Hi Brett -

Well, it's about TIME part 4 got out! <g>


Here's my comments:

Mackie nodded, "Your called 'Jim'..", he said, "Well
mostly", he added after a moment.

oops!  Here we go again -- watch out for the curse of "your" vs "you're"
(In this case, it should be "you're")  You've done this same thing several
times throughout.

    "Well act or not, we can't just let him wonder around", Sylia

                                              ^^^^^^       wander

said, "*IF* he is telling the truth we can't just let him wonder

                                                           ^^^^^^     wander

out of here, it would be cruel....".

    Sylia shook her head, "No Jim, you didn't", she said, "by the
way, I'm called Sylia".  Jim shook hands with her and smiled, "I
must say it was nice to wake up to your voice", he said.

Sylia doesn't know that Mackie has already told him that his name is Jim.
Shouldn't she be telling him his name is Jim instead of just using it?
(because unless someone had already told him his name, "Jim" would mean as
much to him as "hey you" would)

    Mackie emerged from the kitchen a moment later with a plateful
of sandwiches.  Jim ravenously began eating, wolfing down most of
the plateful by himself.  After his feeding frenzy Jim sat back in
the couch and relaxed slightly, these people seemed to be his
friends, if he could only remember them.

I thought Mackie was in his room.  When did he get to the kitchen?

    Jim stood just out of site of those in the room.  He had been

                            ^^^          sight

    Sylia sighed with relief, that amount of fire-power would have
made mincemeat of her, armour or no armour.  She walked towards the
voice, noting that an exit had been made for her in the ring of
solider.

  ^^^^^^     ?     Is this a typo?  I'm not familiar with this word.

    Robert shook his head, "Sorry, can't tell", he smiled, "Its

                                                              ^^^          It's

good to know our scrambling devices work", he added.

    Sylia shook her head, "They would be nothing left of MegaTokyo

                            ^^^^^       There

if he did", she said.

    The Golden figure shut her off with a sharp gesture, "Loose

                                                            ^^^^^  Lose  (as
in something lost)  What you have here is like baggy clothing (loose)  This
word-swap is repeated a couple times.

it", she said flatly.

    Sylia nodded, her instruments had already confirmed that there
were no listening devices in the room, after the Golden figure
left, she pulled the armour off and set it to charge from the
generator.  Looking at the delicious meal before her she set about
recharging herself.

I'd think she'd be more concerned about cameras than microphones if she's
going to take her armor off




Jeanne Hedge

jhedge@water.waterw.com                
================================================================
"Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink..."
    --Samuel Taylor Coleridge, 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner'