Hi Andy,
Here's my comments on Parts 3 and 4. :)
Part 3. Below The Surface
As her memory crystallized and her anger began its effort to take
hold, the front door opened and closed, choking the smoke in her brain that
struggled to become fire. She glanced at her gun sitting on top of her clothes
and cursed under her breath for not grabbing it when she had the chance.
The guitar player stopped in the kitchen, hidden momentarily from her sight.
She waited until he rounded the corner and saw her awake. His face lit up
and he was about to speak when she cut him off.
Can Priss see the front door from her vantage point on the couch? If not,
then how does she know it's the guitar player that's come into the apartment?
I
had to wrap your ribs. If I hadn't you might be in a lot more pain after your
bruises heal.
Actually, she'd be in a lot more pain, period. BTW - what about her back?
Wasn't it giving her so much pain that she couldn't move? And it happened
before she got kicked in the ribs.
The guitar player handed her the red T-shirt and then turned away as she
struggled painfully to put it on. Scanning his apartment for something else to
<snip>
Priss looked up to see the guitar player standing with his hands in
his back pockets and a searching look in his shadowed eyes. She watched
When did he turn around so she could see his eyes?
"I'm Blackie by the way. It's Priss isn't it? I was gonna say
something back behind the bar there, but I didn't recognize you at first.
? When was he (or she) behind a bar? The first time he saw her, he was in
the alley and she was standing in the doorway at Hot Legs. When next they
met, she was flat out in the alley and he was playing hero.
The guitar player handed her the red T-shirt and then turned away as she
struggled painfully to put it on. Scanning his apartment for something else to
<snip>
Priss struggled to sit up and found that it wasn't too painful if she
didn't breathe too deeply. Once upright she reached slowly for her tea and
then lay back on the soft pillow to rest. Blackie clasped both hands around
When did she lay back down?
Part 4. Cold Fire
moment, halting at the cyborgs glowing blue eyes. She was about to answer
PUNCTUATION ALERT! You need to pay attention to your possessives. In the
above it should be "cyborg's", not "cyborgs". There are other examples of
similar things scattered throughtout these chapters. (Just remember tho,
the possessive of "it" is "its", not "it's" <g>)
"What did your father do at Genom?", she said flatly.
Blackie looked up suddenly at Priss and saw a composed
expression on her face that he had not witnessed before. An expression
designed to fool the witless. "I don't know that much about his work really,"
he began, "he'd work in the office doing computer stuff mostly. We'd have
<snip>
"I didn't know my father that well really," Blackie continued abruptly as
if reading her thoughts,"I only spent about a year or two with him at work
and then the explosion happened. I don't remember too much before that."
Priss recalled Sylia's story about the death of her father in an explosion
at the Genom building. The timeframes added up. Blackie's father must have
died in the same incident!
Huh? What timeframes? Has there been only 1 explosion in MegaTokyo in the
previous 16 years (2022-2038)? Maybe I'm blind, but I don't see any
connection at all between Blackie's dad and Sylia's dad.
Blackie inserted the cartridge into a slot on his computer console
and sat back and waited for it to be loaded. After a moment, a line of text
that read, "For Blackie Only", came up on the screen and then vanished as
abruptly as it had appeared. Images began to flash intermittently across the
screen, a computerized slide show of motorcycle designs, weapon designs
and finally blueprints for a graceful, armored suit. The slide show ended
and a man's mustached face appeared. Blackie sighed and stared at the face
that remained on the monitor. On the man's white lab coat was a badge that
read, "Dr. Katsuhito Stingray."
What, is he Sylia's unknown, secret brother or something? (the Black-sheep
of the family? ;-) )
I don't know about some of this storyline. Sure, Priss is having emotional
problems right now (and *that* looks like it's becoming THE current theme in
BGC fan writing -- like trashing Akane Tendo seems to be the fad in Ranma
writing), but I don't buy her falling for this guy this fast (even if he did
rescue her).
Ah well, maybe it'll all be clarified in the next part. (hint hint) ;-)
Jeanne Hedge
jhedge@water.waterw.com
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"Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink..."
--Samuel Taylor Coleridge, 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner'