I'm reposting this because I don't remember if I posted it before (today was
REALLL LONG - too much #%#&^@$% homework) What's really bad is I can't
remember the name of the bloody thing. (I apologize profusely to the
author). Anyway - my comments.
AlberCrombie.
Well she did say something about taking a few days off - I think it was
supposed to be doctors orders or something.
Cologne and Shampoo (still in her teens) were discussing in the kitchen.
either 'talking' or 'discussing things'
That same afternoon Shampoo lures Ranma with free food to the
Nekohanten
After all the times she tried to snag him with poisions/potions - he's not a
little concerned? Especially if this is (more or less) their last meal?!
"Then you no longer want to marry me?"
"Yes, but Great grandmother has and Shampoo can't disobey her
orders."
'g.g. has' what? I'm confused.
Shampoo places her arms around Ranma and with a swift movement of
her right hand touches Ranma's neck. Ranma's loses control over his
body from the neck down. Shampoo grabs Ranma before he falls to the
floor and lifts him in her arms.
So there was nothing in the food? Just muscle control? How come she hasn't
tried to paralyze him before (if she has - I don't remember it)?
(Now Isabel be a good girl and skip this part, OK :)
Don't you feel picked on? ;)
that it could melt a mans heart at a hundred yards. Ranmas brain short
^^^^ ^^^^
I don't know if anybody else got 'em - but I got weird characters instead of
apostrophies.
each time. Slowly she felt her vagina lubrication adding to Ranma's.
maybe 'vaginal lubrication'
Shampoo suddenly stopped pulling Ranma deeper but continued trusting
trusting? no - try 'thrusting'.
*** Modified files in JOE when it aborted on Thu Nov 9 10:35:18 1995
*** JOE was aborted by signal 1
*** File '/tmp/snd.29977'
Unsuspecting Cultural Advisor: Hitomi "Ranma-chan" Ichinohei
^^^^^^^^^^
Well she did say something about taking a few days off - I think it was
supposed to be doctors orders or something.
Cologne and Shampoo (still in her teens) were discussing in the kitchen.
either 'talking' or 'discussing things'
That same afternoon Shampoo lures Ranma with free food to the
Nekohanten
After all the times she tried to snag him with poisions/potions - he's not a
little concerned? Especially if this is (more or less) their last meal?!
"Then you no longer want to marry me?"
"Yes, but Great grandmother has and Shampoo can't disobey her
orders."
'g.g. has' what? I'm confused.
Shampoo places her arms around Ranma and with a swift movement of
her right hand touches Ranma's neck. Ranma's loses control over his
body from the neck down. Shampoo grabs Ranma before he falls to the
floor and lifts him in her arms.
So there was nothing in the food? Just muscle control? How come she hasn't
tried to paralyze him before (if she has - I don't remember it)?
(Now Isabel be a good girl and skip this part, OK :)
Don't you feel picked on? ;)
that it could melt a mans heart at a hundred yards. Ranmas brain short
^^^^ ^^^^
I don't know if anybody else got 'em - but I got weird characters instead of
apostrophies.
each time. Slowly she felt her vagina lubrication adding to Ranma's.
maybe 'vaginal lubrication'
Shampoo suddenly stopped pulling Ranma deeper but continued trusting
trusting? no - try 'thrusting'.
trusted Ranma inside her
here again.
Shampoo did felt a bit of pain, but it was quickly substituted by waves
I think you're starting to flip flop between past and present tenses here.
I believe you want 'Shampoo felt' or maybe 'Shampoo did feel'
ear "Now you are Shampoos man" and jumped out of sight. ]
She is nasty, isn't she?
Ranma is at the dojo teaching a group of about two dozen teenagers.
"...first made themselves unconquerable in order to await the moment
when the enemy could be conquered. Being unconquerable lies with
yourself; being conquerable lies with the enemy. Thus one who excels is
able to make himself unconquerable..." Said Ranma as he quoted a
passage from one of his favorite books. He was teaching them the
importance of not lowering their guard one second. He remembered clear
as the sunlight what can happen if you leave your guard down.
Is this a flashforward? It's a little akward in the story.
"What is it you are here to tell us?" Asked Soun.
"I will go to the point. My Great-granddaughter is going to have a baby
and Ranma is the father"
It took a few seconds for everyone to recover from the shock.
Oh come on - something like that deserves a good discription of everybody
doing facefaults and giving looks to Ranma and Shampoo! Please?
"My poor Ranma honey, raped by that savage, it must have been
horrible."
"I wouldn't put it that way" thought Ranma.
cute - yup, he's male.
"You should go to the authorities." Said Ukyo. An image forms in
Ranma's head.
We see an scene from a TV newscast. There is a photo of Ranma with
his name below, but they misspelled Ranma so instead of saying "wild
horse" it says "wild demon".
"We have just received this, Ranma Saotome of the Saotome school of
martial arts pressed charges against ..."
Meanwhile we see still pictures of Ranma beating the tar out of Kuno,
Ryoga, Mousse, etc. provided by an undisclosed amateur photograph.
"... an immigrant from China called Shampoo."
We see an Shampoo in over-cute mode saying "Shampoo doesnt care
what Ranma did, Shampoo still loves Ranma".
"Authorities are right know searching for Ranma Saotome on charges of
^^^^
now
rape, if you have any information leading to the arrest of this perpetrator
please call to the number on your screen"
Took me a second to realize that this was a dream. Maybe change margin
size stick a note saying 'dream' or something to help people (ok, me) see
this is not part of the main story.
"No, no, calm down. You are going to marry the three of them"
Wait, Woah, hold it! How did Ukyo get mixed up in this? They never saw
her with a binding engagement before, why now? Akane I understand, Shampoo
I understand - but Ukyou hasn't done anything to get involved with this.
"Not if I marry me as a woman" Added Ukyo. Since she was in the eyes
'he marries me'
Therefore the moment Ranma said it couldn't done it Ukyo instantly
'it couldn't be done'
everything set to recover his beloved Ranma. This time she had outdone
recover her
change cloths for their wedding. Ukyo was very excited about her
changed clothes
change their cloths. From the Tendo's house left Ranko and Ukyo
hmm...starting to see a trend here with the 'cloths'
downstairs to do a pair of phone calls. Then she walked towards the
'to do a pair of phone calls' ? I don't get it.
carried anymore her katana around. That was a sign that she thought
'carry her katana around anymore'
was around. Thanks goodness Aneko and Pan tell Akane mommy.
A. and P. call Akane mommy.
Real cool - you've got a good story going here. One last question, maybe I
just missed it, but could you explain just what happened to everybody at
Jusenkyo? (how the curses work now?).
thanx
hope the editing helps
AlberCrombie
--==-=-=-=-=-====-==-----===-=-====-----=-==-=-=-=-=-===-=-====-=----===-===
Ranmamaniac: SOS, CON, COR, LOR, OCS, OAA
cesnyd01@starbase.spd.louisville.edu
URL: http://www.spd.louisville.edu/~cesnyd01/
AlberCrombie ---- The One And Only Space Gopher
"The boy couldn't kill *TIME* if he had to."
-Ghim
--==-=-=-=-=-====-==-----===-=-====-----=-==-=-=-=-=-===-=-====-=----===-===
Ranmamaniac: SOS, CON, COR, LOR, OCS, OAA
cesnyd01@starbase.spd.louisville.edu
URL: http://www.spd.louisville.edu/~cesnyd01/
AlberCrombie ---- The One And Only Space Gopher
"I never made a mistake, I just found 10,000 ways it wouldn't work"
- Thomas Edison