Hello!  I've got some comments about your story.  Excellent reading, so
far!  I like the premise.

Here are some of the critiques you've been dreading.   (Heh heh!) :-)

On Thu, 19 Oct 1995, AlberCrombie wrote:

	"So, Nabiki, how did you get money from Ranma this time? 
	"Hmm?  That's right, you and Mr. Saotome were hiding from Happosai
when it happened."
	Tendo sat up and leared at his daughter.  "We were not hiding!  We
were, um....doing errands."  He finished sheeply.
	She ignored him.  "What ever.  It went like this...."

			<<<<FLASHBACK>>>>

(If I were you, I'd specify that this was earlier the same day, or
something.. I didn't figure this out until later, and it was mildly
confusing.  But maybe I'm just stupider than usual, so don't worry about 
it unless it's not a problem.  :-)

Hmm...it was clear to me - but then I wrote it - anybody else confused?

CHAPTER 5

Kuno and Kodachi go after Ranko and Akane

They see them share a snack or two and they find Nabiki's pictures.

They declare their individual goals :

	Kodachi : to keep the girls together and away from Ranma
	Kuno : to kill Ranma and seperate the girls

At the same time Kuno tries to seperate the girls, he some how lets slip
what he thinks he knows and this starts the rumor mill....

Why are you giving everything away?  Is this leftover from when you were
making the outline?  I don't understand .. 

Yup - I goofed - ignore that.

	When Ranma-chan finished oiling his fiance's back, she turned around
and Akane oiled her back.  When they were both sucessfuly sunblocked, they
got up and went to find the Kasumi and Nabiki.  The whole time the Kunos
just watched silently.

What is Ranma wearing?  Is she topless?!  Usually, when swimming, (s)he
wears shorts and a tank top.  How is his back showing?  Was he wearing a
girls bikini _before_ the wave hit him?  :-) Is there something obvious
that I'm missing?  :-)

It was an assumption - he always wears a tanktop in the anime I've seen
(unless Happosai can snag it).  I'll put that in there somewhere.

Good story so far, though!

Danke!
AlberCrombie
                                                                           
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              AlberCrombie ---- The One And Only Space Gopher              
                                                                           
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                          when the moon does not shine."                   
                                  AlberCrombie.