On Mon, 4 Sep 1995, Bruce Brunk wrote:

This is not all that much, yet just the prologe.  I'm just looking for
mechanical/stylisitic advice at this point.  As comedies are harder to
write than dramas, and the subject matter isn't all that funny to begin
with, don't expect multiple, intentional chuckles. (Laughing at my writing
is a whole other subject.)

IMHO, you might want to reconsider this.  Good comedy is harder to write 
than decent drama, but _good_ drama is hardest of all.  Moreover, there 
tends to be a marked difference between the occasional well-placed joke 
within the context of a greater plot and slapstick.  Needless to say, 
both have there places ... my input would be (and this _is_ a compliment) 
that you should consider pursuing something tending toward the dramatic 
side of the continuum.

Ranma   Well, I was wondering, concidering I'm likely gonna get stuck

concidering = considering

        married to your sister, with her cooking ability and all.  If
        you teach me a couple different types of recipes.  I'm afraid
        that my skills stop at salads and vegatible stri-fry, Pop never

vegatible = vegetable

BTW: How is it that Ranma ends up _admitting_freely_ that he's going to end
up being married to Akane.  Even this sort of resignation implies the 
pre-existence of a _major_ plot movement.  Ranma could piss off Akane 
easily enough without such a potentially powerful/subtle quip.

Moreover, if you plan to pursue the development of the Akane/Ranma 
relationship, it might be more accurate (AND more coherent) to proceed 
from muted, if obvious, feelings rather than resigned acceptance.   Then 
again, you might be pursuing a dead Ranma line.  That would tend to rule 
out all bets (yikes!).

Kasumi is looking worried and lets out a little squeak

Kasumi almost never gets alarmed!

For some reason today, instead of an overhead smash Akane swings the head
of the hammer up and away from Ranma and in her best Peter Jacobsen
impersonation swings the hammer down, around and up, make clean contact
with Ranma's chin as he turned around.  This, of course, sends him through
the roof.  However, instead of going cleanly through it, his left shoulder
hits a crossbeam spining him around so that he flies out feet first.

I like this a lot.

As he enters the waiting room he sees Ranma.  Nothing unsual there.
Landed on his face, again normal.  However what was not normal was that
while Ranma's right hand was in the proper "Please spirts, this is gonna
hurt" position.  His left arm was hanging limp.  Not good.  Moving closer
Tofu could see that Ranma was pale, _very_ pale. Then he saw the blood.

Very good!!  I think you've got a great premise here.  I do strongly urge 
you to consider whether or not you really want to play the comedy card.  
There is a lot of potential in any situation which threatens Akane and 
Ranma.  Additionally, it's always a _really_ good move to try something 
other than the traditional Akane kidnapped/in trouble line.  The 
possibility of a weak/maimed/vulnerable Ranma also offers amazing 
possibilities.  

Good luck, and keep up the good work!

CHL