On May 8, 2007, at 6:40 PM, Bert Miller wrote:
W. Suika Roberts wrote:
On May 6, 2007, at 12:16 PM, W.Suika Roberts wrote:
If you're looking for a plot, you probably won't find one.
Ranma Gets Glasses
A pointless meander through a thought problem
By
Suika Roberts
Well, you're right; this isn't a story. But there is some
remarkably good writing on display in this meander, in certain places.
Thanks ^_^
I found the sheer sweetness of the... "group hug" scenes
(I guess is the best way to put it) very well done.
Thank you.
Nabiki makes a strange, strangled noise, and I say, `Hmm.'
I find it notable how little use you made of Nabiki. Many "all-the-
girls" writers
use Nabiki a lot; others dislike the character, and show it. You
mostly ignore
her.
She's just kinda there, a lot of the time, to me. We don't really
_know_ much about her, so she's very flexible. I like the ways she
can be used for comic relief, myself.
[I wrote this 2002/Feb/4. I've not written any smut since ^^; --S,
2002/Sep/18]
And, frankly, that's just as well. The "smut" scene is remarkably
out of place in this meander, and, IMO, not as well written.
It's not meant to be, really. This is Ranma looking at something
she's never seen before, and reacting to it.
Looking back over the Ranma lemons and limes I read over the years,
clinical descriptions of anatomy often don't bear re-reading well.
Exactly. This is Ranma chasing her thoughts in a circle, rather than
anything _important_ ^_^
They're boring, in the end. But focusing on people's feelings is
seldom boring.
The very best lemon scenes I can remember reading prominently
featured the involved
characters making and keeping contact during the action, for
instance. The best lime scenes prominently feature slow fingers
stroking their way down a spine or thigh. Farther down, you do the
latter admirably. Should you wish to add additional spice, I'd
suggest you stay vague on the clinic action and stick with evidence
of feelings.
Masturbation fantasies are often blunt, and only occasionally make
any sense.
I wake alone in the morning, momentarily confused, then remembering
that Pop is off hiding from Mom, who threatened to skin him over
the curse. I
think she's forgiven him, at least enough that he needn't fear
for his life.
But he's off hiding, she's away so that I can `apply the lessons
of that book
I gave you,' reffering to the human sexuality text she'd passed
to me, back
before she'd figured out that `Saotome Ranma', girl, was her son.
A slightly warped smile forms on my face about that.
Akane got back into her gown, kissed me again, my fingers brush my
lips at the memory, then sent me back to my room.
I roll to my feet, find the studious pair of glasses, and head down,
half dressed.
Third time through, I read the scene above entirely differently
from the way I
read it the first and second; fourth time through, I find that I'm
still confused, and don't know what happened. (This is a strong
pointer that the scene needs work.)
I'd not be surprised -- I was trying for `just woke up' disjointed,
but I could have gone a bit overboard.
Ranma being confused in the morning because his father is gone, as
opposed
to an unfamiliar ceiling or something, makes me think that he opens
the scene
in his own room.
Ranma's pretty near blind without his glasses, and operates primarily
on non-visual methods. She didn't hear the panda breathing/moving
around before she woke, nor does she feel his presence . . .
but if it's been a few years since Nodoka should figured out the
curse, he should be back, or be used to his being absent.
Side effect of writing most of the paper draft during Basic and not
giving it a continuity pass.
The third paragraph suggests he opens it in Akane's bed.
flashback. Maybe I should mark that ^_^
The fourth paragraph again implies he opened it in his own room.
Is the third
paragraph a flashback memory to the evening before, or something
happening
in real time? I don't know if Ranma left Akane right after the
last time we saw
them, or after an interval of experimentation, or not until the
middle of this scene.
There is a similar ambiguity, but less crucial, about Nodoka's
book. The first
couple times I read the "apply the lessons" instruction as
something Nodoka
said to Ranko pre-revelation, possibly implying that it means "use
protection"
or some such. The third and fourth times I read this as something
Nodoka
told Ranma perhaps a few days before, as an instruction to begin
experimentation
with Akane.
with _somebody_, anyway.
So that's why he just about dissappears. Sorta flattering, perhaps,
but it makes me really uncomfortable now that I know what's going on.
I push the thought of Soun out of my mind, and throw dirt over the
hole it went into.
And this pair of paragraphs is ambiguous as well. After a few
readings, I think I understand it: Ranma has just realized why
Soun "disappears"; it's the sight of Ranma's bare breasts.
Soun's repeatedly broken at the sight, dropping into gibbering
uselessness . . .
So now Ranma is uncomfortable, and buries the thought of Soun's
reaction. But I find this susceptible to an amazing number of
misreadings, some perhaps sparked by the unusual familiarity of the
"Soun", coming from Ranma; others by the possibility that you meant
"dirt" and "hole" to be literal rather than metaphorical. Suggest
a simpler:
So that's why Mr. Tendo disappears so quickly when I walk
downstairs
topless. Sorta flattering, perhaps, but geez. Don't wanna
think about it.
I banish the thought from my mind.
`Tendo' might work, but Ranma really doesn't respect him, at all,
so . . .
I'll think about it.
Shanpuu's annoyance is now palpable, and I sit stock-still a moment,
impressed by the ammount of warning my glasses provide,
Heh. You know, it's surprising how much sense your premise makes,
in some ways.
It goes so far in explaining Ranma's behavioral quirks, doesn't it?
and amount is spelled wrong ^^;
me. I squirm a moment, then just lay over onto Shanpuu, bringing
Akane and
Utchan with me, a little off sync, and relax by force of will.
Shanpuu
wiggles, then relaxes as well. Akane drapes a possesive arm over
my back,
then goes soft and boneless.
I spare a few moments of worry for my glasses, then fall asleep as
well.
The above scene has a location problem: until the opening of the
next, I thought it
was taking place at school, perhaps in the yard outdoors at lunch.
Probably because I moved them in the middle, now that I look at it
again ^_^
The previous scene is definitely at school, and the next is Ranma's
room, but this one isn't so descernable.
Otherwise, the latter part is pretty nice work. The transition in
the girls' attitude is
abrupt, yes; but it would be hard to wrench Takahashi's
relentlessly hetero
characters into the behavior you want otherwise.
I'd not say relentlessly hetero so much as relentlessly
antagonistic. It's been years since I've seen any of the anime, and
nearly as long since I looked through my copies of the manga (and
I've only the first five volumes (in Japanese, at that) that I bother
moving with me) but they are their own worst enemies whenever there
isn't an external threat.
(Not necessarily as hard to
wrench them into the _scenes_ you want, sans Ranma, though. Just have
them all console each other over various disappointments, by
hugging, etc.
It's very common to have scenes of such consolation between women
which
women viewers or readers interpret as completely non-sexual, while
male
readers are free to interpret them differently.)
Ranma's interpreting this scene differently, at least ^_^
`I was holding your hand before you got splashed,' she reminds
me, her
voice upset.
Heh. Didn't notice this until third time through. Holding hands
in public when they're both girls is the sort of think canonical
Akane is very much against (apparently it's the "public" part), so
this shows that her attitude is changed indeed.
Yep. Japan's more circumspect(?) than Korea -- it's very common for
girls and women to walk around hand-in-hand or arm-in-arm in public
in Korea, and Myoungdong market in Seoul particlularly tickled me
about that. In Japan it is nearly as uncommon as it is in the
States, or at least it seemed that way to me the two weeks I spent
there.
I wonder if it's partly economic -- one can live on one's own,
without a male in the household, both in the US and Japan -- but I
see more men walking hand-in-hand than women in Iraq, even if I see a
lot few of them walking in pairs.
That's something for someone with more time/money/interest to look
into more deeply.
`Ja ne,' she waves.
Extremely minor nit that I just happen to know: Ukyou uses an
Osaka-ben-ism instead
of Tokyo dialect when she says that. She says "Ho na" rather than
"Ja ne".
Thanks! I'll fix that ^_^ I've not seen any of the anime with her
in it since . . . 1995? Damn, that makes me feel old.
`Over here, boya,' I call, then charge him, keeping my ki masked as
low as I can.
It works this time, too, and I clock him before he notices me.
FYI, it struck me as out-of-character for Ranma to attack Mousse in
this situation,
when it's easy enough for him to just leave without Mousse being
able to follow.
But this way he's not sulking, or whining, or destroying property and
hassling customers ^_^
The ride sucked, hitching on the landing gear of a seven four seven,
all eight of the rescue party crammed into the left main
compartment, short of
breath, and cold.
Heh. A 747 flying from Tokyo to anywhere in South America? I'd
say so; long flight.
Yep. Cramped, too, I'm sure. Someone survived that to escape Cuba,
which is where I got the idea ^_^ Shorter flight, but he wasn't a
martial artist . . .
`Girls give up easily, too, some of them,' I say, touching Kodachi's
hand.
`Not the ones worth keeping,' Akane says, rather softly.
Everyone looks at her. I blink.
`I did say that aloud, didn't I?' her expression is a bit quizzical.
`Yes, you did, Akane,' Utchan says. Everyone notes the lack of
honorific, but no one says anything.
This bit is obviously meant to be very significant somehow, but
exactly how
escaped me the first few read-throughs. Finally I settled on:
Akane is
1) allowing for a plural at all, and 2) stating that Ranma _should_
keep all
girls present, since they haven't given up. But, since the
sentiment is
unexceptional if followed by "as friends", it strikes me as a
stretch that
everyone reacts.
And as for the lack of honorific: I understand, I think, what you
mean to
suggest: that Ukyou dropping her accustomed "chan" for Akane implies
additional intimacy.
Ukyou's venturing a little more intimacy, and Akane's accepting it.
Just a cautious move torwards closeness, nothing too big.
But your last sentence above implies that Ranma thinks
everyone present notices the significance immediately, which is a
stretch if true:
Shampoo doesn't use them, so why should she know the nuances?
Any change in politeness level in Japanese is important, even, or
perhaps especially, among friends. You don't have to know the
details to realize it's something to pay attention to -- I certainly
don't know all, or perhaps even most, of the rules.
And
Kodachi presumably doesn't know Ukyou well, just that she's from
Kansai,
and less formal than a Tokyoite.
They've been working together a lot over the last while, so . . .
If Ranma wasn't your narrator, I'd have
said it was a stretch for him to read anything into it either; his
own use of
honorifics is pretty crude and unnuanced, in the manga.
Yeah, but Ranma's a guy, and can get away with a lot of rudeness on
his own ability to beat anyone who complains up ^_^
Kodachi draws my hand to her lips, and kisses my knuckles.
I smile at her, and carress her cheek. A massively happy look
spreads
across her face.
Akane's hande joins mine on Kodachi's face.
Her mouth drops open, then she turns her head and takes Akane's
finger between her lips, and sucks gently on it.
Utchan's hand drops to Kodachi's hip, tracing little circles, and
Kodachi trembles.
Shanpuu's hand traces up Kodachi's thigh, under her skirts. Kodachi
gasps, releasing Akane's finger, moaning as Shanpuu draws back
down her leg.
`Really?' she manages after a few moments.
`Really,' Akane's answer is soft.
`Really,' Utchan answers.
`Truely,' Shanpuu traces little circles just above Kodachi's knee.
`Promise,' Kodachi gasps, her voice ragged, maybe despirate, her
face
longing.
`Promise what?'
`That you love me, that you won't leave me, that you will keep
loving
me,' her voice is soft, barely a whisper.
A song drops into my head, `"I don't forget my promises/ I don't
break
my vows/ So now I'm praying for the end of time/ to hurry up and
arrive/ yeah,
I'm praying for the end of time/ so I can end my time with you."'
`Too true,' Kodachi says firmly, breaking the mood, `Just for a
while.
If it works, new promises can be made, if it doesn't, we can end
it,' she
looks a little scared.
`Love, togetherness, and clean breaks, if they come,' and I hold out
my pinkie, a little crooked.
Four others link through it.
`Promise.' And we shake on it.
`What was that song? What did it say?' Akane, who's English is the
worst of all of ours, asks.
`Something about "end of time",' Shanpuu says.
`It's a song called "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights",' Kodachi
starts.
The above sequence I found quite remarkably sweet and erotic.
Thanks!
The song bit was a trifle distracting, but mainly, perhaps, because
I don't know it. And it seems OOC for your Ranma to interrupt the
moment with something obscure.
It's a Meatloaf song, off _Bat Out of Hell_, and despite the fact
that it's (pause to check iTunes) eight and a half minutes long, I've
heard it on the radio (in Albuquerque, on 94 Rock, which was a much
better radio station before Clearchannel bought it, but I digress)
and some of my teachers did a skit to it for the `no talent show'
my . . . sophmore year, I think, of high school.
The version off the Meatloaf _Storytellers_ album is nine and a half
minutes.
The song has a boy and a girl parking somewhere, things are getting
heavy, and the girl's all `stop right now, I gotta know right now,
before we go any further, do you love me, will you love me forever,'
and boy is all `let me sleep on it, baby baby' and they talk it back
and forth until the boy whips out a promise to `love you til the end
of time' which both of them are lamenting in the last verse which I
quoted ^_^
Alternatively, you might make up, or research, some J-Pop that
Ranma would KNOW that all the others are familiar with the same
sentiments.
But that would be _work_ *pout*
Promises and bindings. It was so easy to tie myself to a single
spot.
Just a few thoughtless words to a friend.
I shrug. I can stress over it later.
This struck me as a very odd thought for Ranma to have at this
point. And, if it occurred to him
at all, to dismiss it so easily.
Ranma's never really been tied anywhere, so having promised to look
after the house and Soun is, on the one hand, sure to feel very
constraining, and on the other not much different than what she's
actually been doing for the last couple years.
weeks earlier. The three of us walking in arm-in-arm, me on one
side, Utchan
in the middle, and Akane on her other arm, seems to have fried a
few of them.
Heh. Yes, I can see that. I certainly wasn't expecting it.
^_^
`Sometimes it seems they are the same person,' Kodachi says,
radiating amusement.
Very nice line for Kodachi.
It just screamed to be used.
Utchan and Shanpuu arrive at about the same time, nearly noon
thirty,
and join the pile on the floor.
I'm reading a manga, Kodachi something for school, and Akane has a
novel of some kind. Utchan and Shanpuu cuddle with us for a
little while,
then Utchan pulls out something to read and Shanpuu starts reading
my manga
over my shoulder. It feels so . . . nice.
And this scene... the five just lying in a pile, reading. How
sweet. Good work.
Thanks.
No one seems to be going home, or back to their rooms.
This sentence, as phrased, with the Kasumi interlude intervening,
could be taken
to mean that Kasumi has again joined the group. Was that your intent?
If someone was drawing it, it'd be important, but the only difference
it makes here is that if Kasumi's there she can slip out of the
group without waking any of the others . . . or at least annoying
them enough to get them up ^_^
I drop back, running next to Megumi, on the opposite side of her
bike
from Kasumi, `Having fun?'
So Kasumi is keeping up too at this "G pace"? I guess breeding
shows (or something). I know
eleven (approximately) miles in almost an hour isn't _that_ fast;
just three times a good brisk
walking pace.
It's about nine minutes a mile, which is a fairly easy jog for people
in reasonable shape. Bringing it up to seven minutes a mile will
start dropping about half of any Army unit I've run with, and six
minutes a mile will drop me.
If I decided I wanted to, and actually went out and put some effort
into it, I could get past that, but I haven't.
Most people can maintain nine minutes a mile if they put in an hour
or so two or three times a week.
But it's one thing to do it for a race and quite another as a
"stroll" heading into
a movie, i.e. no shower immediately afterwards, possibly dinner
afterwards, definitely on a date.
Yep. This isn't a `date' this is `go watch a movie' and `see if we
can find a fight' all rolled into one ^_^
Which is why the pay-your-own-way crowd likes it, and the local
theaters won't let them in anymore.
Anyway, again, some good writing in here. You could mine this
meander for story parts
very easily.
Thanks!
Thanks for writing and sharing!
You're very welcome,
Suika
--
I hate quotations. -Ralph Waldo
Emerson
<a href="http://homepage.mac.com/ssfr/">Suika no homepage</a>
sfr@genom-research.com
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