W. Suika Roberts wrote:
On May 6, 2007, at 12:16 PM, W.Suika Roberts wrote:
If you're looking for a plot, you probably won't find one.
Ranma Gets Glasses
A pointless meander through a thought problem
By
Suika Roberts
Well, you're right; this isn't a story. But there is some remarkably
good writing on display in
this meander, in certain places. I found the sheer sweetness of the...
"group hug" scenes
(I guess is the best way to put it) very well done.
Nabiki makes a strange, strangled noise, and I say, `Hmm.'
I find it notable how little use you made of Nabiki. Many
"all-the-girls" writers
use Nabiki a lot; others dislike the character, and show it. You mostly
ignore
her.
[I wrote this 2002/Feb/4. I've not written any smut since ^^; --S,
2002/Sep/18]
And, frankly, that's just as well. The "smut" scene is remarkably out
of place in this
meander, and, IMO, not as well written. Looking back over the Ranma
lemons and
limes I read over the years, clinical descriptions of anatomy often
don't bear re-reading
well. They're boring, in the end. But focusing on people's feelings is
seldom boring.
The very best lemon scenes I can remember reading prominently featured
the involved
characters making and keeping contact during the action, for instance.
The best lime
scenes prominently feature slow fingers stroking their way down a spine
or thigh. Farther
down, you do the latter admirably. Should you wish to add additional
spice, I'd
suggest you stay vague on the clinic action and stick with evidence of
feelings.
I wake alone in the morning, momentarily confused, then remembering
that Pop is off hiding from Mom, who threatened to skin him over the
curse. I
think she's forgiven him, at least enough that he needn't fear for
his life.
But he's off hiding, she's away so that I can `apply the lessons of
that book
I gave you,' reffering to the human sexuality text she'd passed to
me, back
before she'd figured out that `Saotome Ranma', girl, was her son.
A slightly warped smile forms on my face about that.
Akane got back into her gown, kissed me again, my fingers brush my
lips at the memory, then sent me back to my room.
I roll to my feet, find the studious pair of glasses, and head down,
half dressed.
Third time through, I read the scene above entirely differently from the
way I
read it the first and second; fourth time through, I find that I'm still
confused, and
don't know what happened. (This is a strong pointer that the scene
needs work.)
Ranma being confused in the morning because his father is gone, as opposed
to an unfamiliar ceiling or something, makes me think that he opens the
scene
in his own room. The third paragraph suggests he opens it in Akane's bed.
The fourth paragraph again implies he opened it in his own room. Is the
third
paragraph a flashback memory to the evening before, or something happening
in real time? I don't know if Ranma left Akane right after the last
time we saw
them, or after an interval of experimentation, or not until the middle
of this scene.
There is a similar ambiguity, but less crucial, about Nodoka's book.
The first
couple times I read the "apply the lessons" instruction as something Nodoka
said to Ranko pre-revelation, possibly implying that it means "use
protection"
or some such. The third and fourth times I read this as something Nodoka
told Ranma perhaps a few days before, as an instruction to begin
experimentation
with Akane.
-
So that's why he just about dissappears. Sorta flattering, perhaps,
but it makes me really uncomfortable now that I know what's going on.
I push the thought of Soun out of my mind, and throw dirt over the
hole it went into.
And this pair of paragraphs is ambiguous as well. After a few readings,
I think I understand
it: Ranma has just realized why Soun "disappears"; it's the sight of
Ranma's bare breasts.
So now Ranma is uncomfortable, and buries the thought of Soun's
reaction. But I find
this susceptible to an amazing number of misreadings, some perhaps
sparked by the
unusual familiarity of the "Soun", coming from Ranma; others by the
possibility that you
meant "dirt" and "hole" to be literal rather than metaphorical. Suggest
a simpler:
So that's why Mr. Tendo disappears so quickly when I walk downstairs
topless. Sorta flattering, perhaps, but geez. Don't wanna think
about it.
I banish the thought from my mind.
Shanpuu's annoyance is now palpable, and I sit stock-still a moment,
impressed by the ammount of warning my glasses provide,
Heh. You know, it's surprising how much sense your premise makes, in
some ways.
me. I squirm a moment, then just lay over onto Shanpuu, bringing
Akane and
Utchan with me, a little off sync, and relax by force of will. Shanpuu
wiggles, then relaxes as well. Akane drapes a possesive arm over my
back,
then goes soft and boneless.
I spare a few moments of worry for my glasses, then fall asleep as
well.
The above scene has a location problem: until the opening of the next,
I thought it
was taking place at school, perhaps in the yard outdoors at lunch.
Otherwise, the latter part is pretty nice work. The transition in the
girls' attitude is
abrupt, yes; but it would be hard to wrench Takahashi's relentlessly hetero
characters into the behavior you want otherwise. (Not necessarily as
hard to
wrench them into the _scenes_ you want, sans Ranma, though. Just have
them all console each other over various disappointments, by hugging, etc.
It's very common to have scenes of such consolation between women which
women viewers or readers interpret as completely non-sexual, while male
readers are free to interpret them differently.)
`I was holding your hand before you got splashed,' she reminds me, her
voice upset.
Heh. Didn't notice this until third time through. Holding hands in
public when they're
both girls is the sort of think canonical Akane is very much against
(apparently it's the
"public" part), so this shows that her attitude is changed indeed.
`Ja ne,' she waves.
Extremely minor nit that I just happen to know: Ukyou uses an
Osaka-ben-ism instead
of Tokyo dialect when she says that. She says "Ho na" rather than "Ja ne".
`Over here, boya,' I call, then charge him, keeping my ki masked as
low as I can.
It works this time, too, and I clock him before he notices me.
FYI, it struck me as out-of-character for Ranma to attack Mousse in this
situation,
when it's easy enough for him to just leave without Mousse being able to
follow.
The ride sucked, hitching on the landing gear of a seven four seven,
all eight of the rescue party crammed into the left main compartment,
short of
breath, and cold.
Heh. A 747 flying from Tokyo to anywhere in South America? I'd say so;
long flight.
`Girls give up easily, too, some of them,' I say, touching Kodachi's
hand.
`Not the ones worth keeping,' Akane says, rather softly.
Everyone looks at her. I blink.
`I did say that aloud, didn't I?' her expression is a bit quizzical.
`Yes, you did, Akane,' Utchan says. Everyone notes the lack of
honorific, but no one says anything.
This bit is obviously meant to be very significant somehow, but exactly how
escaped me the first few read-throughs. Finally I settled on: Akane is
1) allowing for a plural at all, and 2) stating that Ranma _should_ keep all
girls present, since they haven't given up. But, since the sentiment is
unexceptional if followed by "as friends", it strikes me as a stretch that
everyone reacts.
And as for the lack of honorific: I understand, I think, what you mean to
suggest: that Ukyou dropping her accustomed "chan" for Akane implies
additional intimacy. But your last sentence above implies that Ranma thinks
everyone present notices the significance immediately, which is a
stretch if true:
Shampoo doesn't use them, so why should she know the nuances? And
Kodachi presumably doesn't know Ukyou well, just that she's from Kansai,
and less formal than a Tokyoite. If Ranma wasn't your narrator, I'd have
said it was a stretch for him to read anything into it either; his own
use of
honorifics is pretty crude and unnuanced, in the manga.
Kodachi draws my hand to her lips, and kisses my knuckles.
I smile at her, and carress her cheek. A massively happy look spreads
across her face.
Akane's hande joins mine on Kodachi's face.
Her mouth drops open, then she turns her head and takes Akane's
finger between her lips, and sucks gently on it.
Utchan's hand drops to Kodachi's hip, tracing little circles, and
Kodachi trembles.
Shanpuu's hand traces up Kodachi's thigh, under her skirts. Kodachi
gasps, releasing Akane's finger, moaning as Shanpuu draws back down
her leg.
`Really?' she manages after a few moments.
`Really,' Akane's answer is soft.
`Really,' Utchan answers.
`Truely,' Shanpuu traces little circles just above Kodachi's knee.
`Promise,' Kodachi gasps, her voice ragged, maybe despirate, her face
longing.
`Promise what?'
`That you love me, that you won't leave me, that you will keep loving
me,' her voice is soft, barely a whisper.
A song drops into my head, `"I don't forget my promises/ I don't break
my vows/ So now I'm praying for the end of time/ to hurry up and
arrive/ yeah,
I'm praying for the end of time/ so I can end my time with you."'
`Too true,' Kodachi says firmly, breaking the mood, `Just for a while.
If it works, new promises can be made, if it doesn't, we can end it,'
she
looks a little scared.
`Love, togetherness, and clean breaks, if they come,' and I hold out
my pinkie, a little crooked.
Four others link through it.
`Promise.' And we shake on it.
`What was that song? What did it say?' Akane, who's English is the
worst of all of ours, asks.
`Something about "end of time",' Shanpuu says.
`It's a song called "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights",' Kodachi
starts.
The above sequence I found quite remarkably sweet and erotic. The song
bit was a
trifle distracting, but mainly, perhaps, because I don't know it. And
it seems OOC for
your Ranma to interrupt the moment with something obscure.
Alternatively, you might
make up, or research, some J-Pop that Ranma would KNOW that all the
others are familiar
with the same sentiments.
Promises and bindings. It was so easy to tie myself to a single spot.
Just a few thoughtless words to a friend.
I shrug. I can stress over it later.
This struck me as a very odd thought for Ranma to have at this point.
And, if it occurred to him
at all, to dismiss it so easily.
weeks earlier. The three of us walking in arm-in-arm, me on one
side, Utchan
in the middle, and Akane on her other arm, seems to have fried a few
of them.
Heh. Yes, I can see that. I certainly wasn't expecting it.
`Sometimes it seems they are the same person,' Kodachi says,
radiating amusement.
Very nice line for Kodachi.
Utchan and Shanpuu arrive at about the same time, nearly noon thirty,
and join the pile on the floor.
I'm reading a manga, Kodachi something for school, and Akane has a
novel of some kind. Utchan and Shanpuu cuddle with us for a little
while,
then Utchan pulls out something to read and Shanpuu starts reading my
manga
over my shoulder. It feels so . . . nice.
And this scene... the five just lying in a pile, reading. How sweet.
Good work.
-
No one seems to be going home, or back to their rooms.
This sentence, as phrased, with the Kasumi interlude intervening, could
be taken
to mean that Kasumi has again joined the group. Was that your intent?
I drop back, running next to Megumi, on the opposite side of her bike
from Kasumi, `Having fun?'
So Kasumi is keeping up too at this "G pace"? I guess breeding shows
(or something). I know
eleven (approximately) miles in almost an hour isn't _that_ fast; just
three times a good brisk
walking pace. But it's one thing to do it for a race and quite another
as a "stroll" heading into
a movie, i.e. no shower immediately afterwards, possibly dinner
afterwards, definitely on a date.
Anyway, again, some good writing in here. You could mine this meander
for story parts
very easily.
Thanks for writing and sharing!
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