In reply to Abdiel's review, crossposted with the Google Groups FFML.
http://groups.google.com/group/ffml?hl=en
Yaaaay review!!! :D
I really appreciate getting these. Thanks!
Let's 'ave a look at the comments, shall we?
On 4/27/07, Abdiel <gabriel_gabdiel@yahoo.com> wrote:
Disclaimer: Brian Randall thinks I do C&C EULAs. He's probably right.
By reading this C&C, you agree to abide by the following:
The below C&C is provided to you AS IS and WITHOUT ANY WARRANTY. You
agree to indemnify and acknowledge that the C&Cer will be held
blameless for any damage resulting to including but not limited to 1)
your mind, 2) the quality of your work, 3) your desire to continue
writing the C&Ced work. You acknowledge that these comments do not
belong to you, but rather that the comments are licensed to you for a
limited one-chapter period. If at any time you disagree with these
comments, this license is revoked and you must permanently delete all
chapters, spamfics, and storylines from which edits based upon this
C&C were made.
[I agree to this License] (Continue Reading)
[I do not agree to this License] (Close and delete email application)
Well........................... with people who you know that are
going to take the C&C well, no need to have a huge disclaimer up
front. With people whom you know have thin skins and can't take a
beating, you might want to try and soothe them and let them know
you're not the definitive last work on these things.
Disclaimer to the disclaimer: Brian Randall was not hurt during the making of
the above disclaimer.
Ah, but did he have to climb to the tallest mountain and cut down the
tallest tree in the forest with a herring in order to read his C&C? :D
Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.
^_^ But when he does, hoo-boy, be ready for some hurtin'!
Once more unto the breach, dear friends...
Abdiel vs. Ben Oliver! Round 13, fight! Who will survive? The
suspense, the chaos, the rampage! Oh, the
inhumanity!111!!!!!!!111oneoneoneone ;)
On 4/14/07, Benjamin A. Oliver <benjamin.a.oliver@gmail.com> wrote:
Where was I? Ah, yes, fanfic.
You also have a tendency to rant, I see. God would be proud. ^_^
I do my best. ^_^
This story is a retelling of my older story, Nuke 'Em 'Till They
Glow!! The point of it was to finish a story, whatever the cost,
whatever it takes. The story has been written to the end, so it has a
So it's Ronin Summer, Convergence applied for the NETTG Universe, eh? Seriously
though, (and this is only my opinion, of course) that NETTG has run its course
and it's about time you gave it a proper ending. Or a cliffhanger, Ranma 1/2
'life goes on' type of ending. Or something. Resolution of plot helps in
ushering in the new and moving on with other projects to also finish,
methinks... but if you believe that NETTG classic still has some life left in
it whenever you decide to get back to it, I'll be looking forward to it. Thing
is, you have so much on your fandom plate that it'd be best if you finish your
beans first before moving on with dessert.
Heh... yeah, I do have a lot on my plate. A quick list...
NETTG Classic
NETTG: TEY (webcomic, bottlenecked at artist)
Going At It Like Rabbits!!!
Heart of Sugar
Codename: Project Sailor Stylin
And three of them are NETTG-related. Perhaps I shall have to make a
big endgame kind of arc and get on with it. ^^
But the main reason why, even now, 10 years after starting, is that
there are a few people who are asking for more. Esa, my Finnish
artist friend is a big factor in that. I want art, he wants story,
and... it's a vicious cycle. It won't be over till it's over.
The thing about TinT was that I didn't feel up to working on any other
projects for the longest time, like after I started my business degree
and didn't have time to do a whole bunch. And now that degree's done
and I'm working. So the time is there; it's all about motivation now.
Besides, I've got about 100k of Chapter 11 text written up. It'd be
an awful shame if I never released it to anybody. ^_^
conclusion. It will be finished because it IS finished. Revisions
will occur, though, based on any comments received. Already from the
prereaders and editors there have been strong suggestions to modify
the ending and some of the pieces that lead up to it.
I have a theory, and it's just a theory, mind you... but your revelation that
this is a finished fic may have ruined it for some readers. Readers who would
rather, say, have you finish NETTG Classic instead. Readers who'd rather read a
story whose plot/backbone can be shaped according to their feedback just short
of writing improfanfic. I understand that you intend feedback to shape this fic
as well, but by how much? It's already finished, you see.
I can understand that sentiment. On the other hand, why provide
commentary to an unfinished story that may or may not ever get done?
What if one's scathing commentary does not inspire an author to
continue, but rather simply kills the author's desire to work on the
story, so they go off and become accountants and used dinnerware
salesmen and stuff instead?
Perhaps it's both the, "Why should I comment if it's already done?"
and "Why should I comment if you're never gonna finish no matter how
much I urge you to?" attitudes that have helped limit the amount of
commentary in the FFML as of late. There's no way even the most
heavy-handed of moderation could kill 98% of comments if there was a
bursting desire of readers to post public comments.
It's not the case for me personally, but I have the feeling that's the general
consensus of you other readers, since I'm so presumptuous and all.
Well... it's a give and take situation. But in all honesty, TinT as a
whole has gotten as much if not more commentary as anything else on
the FFML at this point. So I have no complaints. And those comments
have translated to edits to the story and for ideas on how to change
and adapt the story progression. Besides, being asked to flesh out
certain characters helps direct things and make them better. And the
ending is still in flux because three out of three pre-reviewers
strongly disliked it.
...but it does have an ending and it is "done," from a certain point
of view. :D
Besides, we've got Larry F on some of the final pass editing, and I
tend to listen to what he says, even if I initially disagree with it.
Punctuation discussions and sentence structure.
(nods) You won't go wrong with trusting in Larry F's feedback.
He does a good job.
We've gone through this chapter pretty thoroughly. Spell checked,
proofread, plot checked... but experience has shown we're still human
so we may have missed something. Still, we've made the effort and few
could ask for more. ^_^
We'll see... ;) I have faith in you because of your good GR Batting Rate, and
who knows? Maybe you'll get the typo-rate of one Rebecca Thornton.
^_^
Well, I've accepted the fact that I'll never have a perfect fanfic,
for the simple thing that English oftentimes has conflicting grammar
rules; obey one, you're disobeying another. But I can drive down the
grammar errors as well as typos. Takes time and multiple proofreading
passes, though.
Rei greeted Jupiter and Chibimoon at the front door to the Hikawa
Shrine. The first words out of the frantic shrine maiden's mouth
were, "You're alive! Good! They came at us so fast. We couldn't
hardly do anything! Did you get a crystal?!"
Hmmm... 'We couldn't hardly do anything!' sounds like a double negative to my
ears. Let's check...
could not hardly (could is negated by 'not' and 'hardly' also negates 'could',
but 'hardly' kind of negates 'not', thusly creating the double negative, i.e.
affirmative saying)
But since a character that's not Ami said it, I'll let it slide. Still, I took
note of it for, well, notary purposes... >_>
Quite the notary purposes! ^_^
Sometimes, what may on the surface appears to be double negatives is
in fact being used to emphasize the negativity of the situation. "We
couldn't hardly do anything at all!" means that very little action was
possible. In usage, it is overall correct in dialogue. I would not
use such terminology in narration, however.
Rei, Makoto, or Usagi saying it would not have caused problems. Ami,
though.... For the bookish types who even use contractions sparingly,
it would be inappropriate.
When the Irish girl finally woke up, she found herself lying on a
futon in a nondescript room. It took her a minute to recognize it as
part of the Hikawa Shrine. She had on a set of light-red pajamas that
Nitpick: If it's light-red, then shouldn't it simply be referred to as 'pink'?
"Yew have been charged with committing Pink! How do you plead?"
"Um, not guilty?"
"Wrong! On ya knees!"
*BZZZRRTT!*
Light red isn't exactly pink.
Note the hues on this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red
Red comes in many hues, and yet it is never pink. Pink, on the other hand...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pink
It has some additional color to it, tending more towards a light
purple or magenta rather than towards red.
But then, who am I to speak? I am a mere man. My spectrum is limited
to, like, 6 identifiable colors. I have NO idea what Muave is, for
example.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mauve
Oh, interesting. So it's a kind of really light purple.
up. He still didn't appear. "Why won't you come when I call, Arby?
You always did before to bother me, so why not when I actually need
you?!"
Heh. If Arby won't show up in this chapter, I bet that'll cut the number of
Broken Grammar Rules in half. ;)
It will at least decrease the frequency of such illicit behavior! ;)
It wasn't supposed to be like this, being a world-saving heroine.
She was supposed to appear in a brilliant show of light, destroy the
demonic villain-things, then wave a fond farewell to the grateful,
adoring masses she just saved, and have the rest of the day off to get
perfect grades in school or go out with a cute boyfriend.
Somehow, I'm imagining an ending similar to Brad Bird's "Iron Giant".
^_^
A nice ending, isn't it? Though it only works with non-humanlike
objects such as animals or robots. Or midgets and hunchbacks. See,
you have to be subhuman, like a bumbling nerdy scientist, to merit an
ending such as that.
What shall Terra get?
Commander Worf: Hah! If you are lucky... I WILL GIVE YOU AN HONORABLE DEATH!!!
Why did she have to be so self-sacrificing all the time?
Why did she have to half-kill herself to do anything meaningful for
whatever cause she fought for? Her friends didn't seem to have any
trouble using their powers. What made her so different? Wasn't she a
proper Sailor Soldier?
Why is she using a Mary Sue's typical pity-party speech? :P
To emphasize how much she truly sucks!!! :D
"The molecular structure on this crystal defies all currently known
scientific principles!" Ami proclaimed.
"Yeah, well, so does Luna," Usagi retorted.
Heh. Though that kind of sarcastic remark is something I'd peg the three other
girls would say, with Rei leading the pack.
Usagi's known for a good quip now and again. Mostly, it happens when
she's trying to meddle in someone else's relationships, but it's not
unheard of.
"Hey, we took down one of their generals," Makoto said. "At least
our team's still complete."
Suggest: Makoto said --> Makoto pointed out (just to vary the 'said' speech
indicator a bit)
Good idea. Looks nicer like that.
"Hey, we took down one of their generals," Makoto pointed out. "At
least our team's still complete."
"Yesh'm! I'm finejushtgottashlmmmhphh...." Dripping with syrup,
Terra sprang back up like a powerful geyser, alert and at attention,
before wavering and beginning to fall again. Usagi and Makoto caught
her.
Come to think of it, this 'powerful when it counts, a goof when it doesn't
count' shtick of hers has made her an Usagi/protagonist replacement, almost.
The same way Usagi acted as a Minako replacement all those years ago... Ah,
memories. :P
Hee. ^_^
I like Minako. She's crazy. Needed her own series, really...
Well, we briefly tried "not powerful enough when it really counts,"
but then everyone died and we got a sad, depressing ending. Then it
was all a dream. But the dream was real. And then... yeah.
We can make a 'fic's title character absolutely useless, but that's a
rough route too. So, you have to balance it. And that balancing act
is usually a matter of opinion. I mean, we even got a few comments on
the fukufics forum to the effect that they thought Terra was having
too rough a time, and them wanting to spay Arby with fungicide for all
the mean things he did to her.
So... to some, a new overwhelming main character isn't necessarily a
bad thing. A lot of people really love certain kinds of SIs as well.
For TinT? I'm trying to balance it, with erring on the side of
detrimental and damaging flaws on Terra's part. But I can't smash her
around forever. Sooner or later, she's going to have to pick herself
up and play the heroine the story needs her to be. Otherwise, why are
you reading about her? Can just watch the old Sailor Moon subs if one
wants the story to remain the same... and even then, Usagi's the Mary
Sue of that story. Title Character-itis indeed! ^^
"Sorry, Rei," Terra muttered. "I'm just a little tired this morning."
"Gee, you think?" the shrine maiden deadpanned.
See? Rei has the natural snark to pull off the 'Yeah, well, so does Luna,"
punch line.
She does. But Usagi is also playful enough to carry out the remark.
Hmm....................
I've evaluated the two options, and to me, leaving it as Usagi's
remark seems appropriate for having active participation from all
members of the group. She does have the character traits capable of
carrying it out. She ain't Princess Serenity yet. ^^
It's either cycle through the dialogue participants, or send them off
in the corner to play poker with Habberjug and Willywug!
"Blackjack!"
"Gin!"
"Royal Crumbcake!"
"--fellow adolescent human beings of the female persuasion," the
redhead compromised in an eloquent manner totally unbefitting her
pale, tired, beaten countenance, "how I managed to save you all from
the Four Generals that one night?"
"Yeah, you have," Rei replied. "Some days we practically can't get
you to shut up about it."
Heh. Of course she'd brag. Never mind Mary Sue hypocrisy, go the Carrot route
and simply brag about your accomplishments.
Oh, believe me, if she were humble about it, she'd be ten times worse
from a Mary Sue perspective. Better that she brags and pays for it
later. ^^
She has to take her lumps like everyone else in the series! Doubly
so, since she's the new girl.
On that note, Usagi is really a piece of work to not brag about her
accomplishments as the saintly Princess Serenity.
I get the idea that she doesn't see herself as Princess Serenity that
often, like it's not on her mind that much.
Usagi: (shrugs) Me as Princess Serenity is a whole other me altogether, so I'd
feel guilty bragging about accomplishments which, I feel, wasn't of _my_ own
doing.
Something like that. ^_^
Besides, if she started pulling the P.Serenity card, people would
start expecting more of her, and make her actually do her homework and
stuff.
"Yes," Rei said. "And now's about when you talk about how you
Hmmm. "And now's about when you talk" looks awkward. I think you meant "And
now's about the time when you talk" or "And how's about the time when you (sans
'talk about how you')", correct me if I'm wrong. It's just that, as is, that
sentence seems very awkward. Did you intend 'now's' to be 'how's' or just
'now's'?
It's another way of saying, "Now is approximately the time when you
speak of this matter."
Perhaps rephrasing it would work.
"Really?" Terra thoughtfully thrust her tongue into her cheek and
winced as she probed a particularly tender patch of pummeled flesh.
"Ouchie." She attempted to remember the date and time when she'd last
bragged about the heroic event, but failed to remember when it had
occurred. "I hadn't noticed. Hmm. Did I tell you about the big
apocalyptic thing that happened?"
"Yes," Rei said. "And a dozen times after you asked that, you
started talking about how you manipulated time, traveled back, and
beat the four generals up with your bare hands, then saved us from
certain death. Thank you. We're very grateful! Can we please get on
with our lives now?"
Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional puns/homonym-type
spilling mistakes because their usually hard to fined using a spellchecker.
Or...
Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Or...
Grammar Rule#X-TREEM: Read your dialogue aloud. If your tongue trips
over it, expect people to ask, "Wha?"
"I don't think anybody here would say you're not useful," Luna said.
"You've proven yourself on multiple occasions."
Matee: (Captain Planet) I always get this speech when we're on the plane. But I
still feel so hollow... for someone who has the heart ring, I sure need some
love.
Matee(holds out a severed heart): HEART!
http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=164
He can't shoot laser beams with his ring, so he thinks he's useless.
...
And yet, he is useless, because he's just the glue that sticks Captain
Planet together. Short end of the stick indeed! :D
He needs laser beams.
"Now if you could do that kind of stuff ALL the time," Makoto mused,
"then we might actually have a shot at winning against the Dark
Kingdom.
Usagi: Personally, I get freaked out whenever I go 'Princess Serenity' on our
enemies; it's as if I turn into a different person altogether. It's still me,
but it isn't somehow. It's cool that I save everybody and stuff, but I
certainly won't wish for me to always be like that.
And yet she becomes Neo-Queen Serenity after that, never again to take
off the dress and those funny wing-things! Mwahahaha! You cannot
escape your destiny!
"Yeah, that's nice and all," Terra admitted, "but I'd rather be
the... perfect-gets-all-the-glory-princess-warrior-whatchamacallit."
Aw. You can't. Or else I certainly won't be reading this. ^_^
If I did that, this story would have been over ages ago. :D
It's the easy way to run something into the ground. Unfortunately,
humans define stories by conflicts and resolutions. Plus it has to be
believable in some fashion or another.
"The Mary Sue of whatever story they're going to write about us in a
dozen years when this is all over?" Ami inquired.
Terra looked confused. "The who in the what now?"
Fourth Wall? What Fourth Wall? You mean these pieces of rubble and debris over
here?
Okay, so it doesn't have to be believable. ^_^
This conversation was in the story way before you labeled Terra
Incognita as a Mary Sue. It seemed appropriate to leave in. And to
be honest, we were curious about what you'd say. ;)
Hey, fanfic characters can know about fanfic conventions, can't they?
...can't they?
Ami cleared her voice box and explained, "Some hack fiction writers
tend to make a few 'all-knowing, all-loved, and all-powerful'
characters. The writer crafts her story so that things always go this
character's way, and as such the story tends to end up a bit bland
because of the lack of true worry or conflict. These story-destroying
characters have tended to become known as 'Mary Sues' because one of
the first recorded characters of these types was, in fact, named 'Mary
Sue'."
Ami: 'And Gary Kleppe can suck my--' Oh, my. Somebody vandalized the Wiki page
again.
XD I want to include that.
"Mary Sue, huh?" the Irish girl slurred as she wiped the syrup off
her face with a sleeve, raising Rei's hackles a little bit. "You
Japanese people sure have strange names."
Hmmm? Hackles? Nani desu ka?
Hackles desu! Oishii desu yo! Tabeteiruu! *Munch*Munch*Munch*
To "raise one's hackles" is a figure of speech which means to incite
someone to anger, usually unintentionally.
Ami coughed and shook her head at the statement. "I believe the
term's origin came from an English-speaking country. I wouldn't
discount Ireland as a possibility."
On that note, has there any been any self-insert/Mary Sue dojins in Japan? And
who reads those things?
I wouldn't doubt it that there are. There's ten kinds of doujinshi
for every other subject and theme.
Rei: Mary Sue dojins? Well, does "Candy Candy" count? *da-dum-twish!*
^_^ I am thankfully, blissfully ignorant of this.
Ami smiled slightly. "Why, yes, I have dabbled a little." She
pushed her computer over so the others could view the screen and
brought up a page of text. "Would you like to see?"
If it's yaoi... then Ami's more fangirlish than I previously thought.
Oh, she's probably dabbled. But that's in a protected folder.
Always the quiet ones... O_o
"Wow! Ami-chan really is a great writer!" Usagi squealed as she
paged through the document. "This is neat!"
Usagi: I haven't read any of it yet, but since it's so long and detailed, it
must be good!
Arby(grabs your comment): It's MOINE now! (flutters off)
"Wow! Ami-chan really is a great writer!" Usagi squealed as she
paged through the document. "This is neat!"
"You think so?" Rei asked as the laptop passed her eyes.
"Um, I haven't read any of it yet, but since it's so long and
detailed, it must be good!"
"I will be studying to be a doctor, though," Ami said modestly.
"However, one day, I imagine perhaps gaining more fame though the
works I write."
Terra took the computer as it went by and skimmed through it. "Oh,
cool. It's about a socially inept android girl named Vicki. Grammar
looks good, spelling's perfect..." She trailed off when a memory
stirred from her childhood. "Wait a second. This is Small Wonder fan
fiction!"
(wince) I don't think even Ami is good enough to make fanfiction based on that
series work. -_- Heck, this little skit is already stretching my patience, 'coz
my suspension of disbelief already walked out on me.
Well, the scene would stretch anyone's patience, since it kind of
attacks fan fiction at its base. I mean, at least Star Wars and Star
Trek fan fiction has the potential to be licensed and sold into books,
but Sailor Moon and Small Wonder 'fics?
As we all know, all writing is of no worth unless money can be
extracted from it somehow, right?
...
No, there are some of us who, at the very least, enjoy the practice
and the thought exercises and potentials explored. But be warned. To
an outsider, any one of our works can be viewed as potentially silly
and pointless as Ami's Small Wonder 'fics.
Oh, and the other line you suggested...
"I will be studying to be a doctor, though," Ami said modestly.
"However, one day, I imagine perhaps gaining more fame though the
works I write."
"Do people, like, say good things about it?"
"My reviews have been overwhelmingly positive so far," Ami replied
proudly. Then she frowned and added out of the corner of her mouth,
"That Kleppe fellow, though. For all I care, he can just--" She
looked at her computer. "Oh my! Someone's vandalized the wiki page
again." She hit a few keys and made a few clicks with the mouse
before returning the computer for her friends' perusal. "There, that
has it."
Terra took the computer as it went by and skimmed through Ami's
writings. "Oh, cool. It's about a socially inept android girl named
Vicki. Grammar looks good, spelling's perfect..." She trailed off
when a memory stirred from her childhood. "Wait a second. This is
Small Wonder fan fiction!"
"Is there something wrong with that?"
"Yes! Don't you see?! It's... Small Wonder fan fiction! You're
making a novel from a barely mediocre eighties American sitcom. Ew!"
Methinks you're belaboring the joke at this point. Poor Ami, with her getting
the short end of the stick in regards to her characterization.
We'd all like to brush this one under the rug... but Terra's being a
jerk and belaboring the point. She's somewhat insensitive and
callous, really.
Still, it kind of puts things in perspective, ne? How deluded fanfic writers
are. :P
We live in a dream world... but it would be too painful to wake up...
Not without an international bestseller waiting to go to the publisher!! :D
Oh dear, what might Japanese people think of Gaijin fans making stories out of
their stories? Well, if Azhrael from Gaijinsmash.com could be believed, I don't
think they care very much about other cultures, western ones in particular,
very much.
They do assimilate bits and pieces of American and other culture as
they come their way. Like Baseball--now a true blessed Japanese
sport! :D
Ami took her computer back, shut it loudly, and glared at her in a
manner that virtually screamed, "We are no longer friends."
Heh. But this part, at least, I like.
Have to show that the other characters have feelings that can be hurt.
Can't be a rude gaijin without a proper target to offend!
"So," Usagi interjected, desperate to stop the almost inevitable
violence. "Um, by the way, what are we going to do to... get
Ami? Violence? Puh-lease. The Cold Shoulder Treatment would be more like her.
Good plan.
"Cold Shoulder Treatment" didn't seem to work into the narration, but this did:
Ami took her computer back, shut it loudly, and glared at her in a
manner that virtually screamed, "We are no longer friends." Cold
sparks seemed to flare between them as Terra returned her gaze,
despite any fatigue. Neither party seemed willing to back down.
"So," Usagi interjected, hoping to break up what seemed certain to
become an unhealthy rivalry. "Um, by the way, what are we going to do
to... get Rei-chan's grandpa back from the Dark Kingdom?"
"We would have to be very cautious if we did that," Luna said. "They
likely have hundreds of youma roaming around."
...Which they will never send en masse to the girls. That'd make too much
sense, y'see.
Yeah, then they'd lose. I mean, in the movies, they did successfully
fend off hundreds of flower creatures and ice demon things, but the
Dark Kingdom seemed to be running on limited resources. Needing lots
of energy and such.
"But you just ate a huge stack of pancakes!" protested Rei.
"Well yeah," said Usagi, "but just a second ago, I got really hungry
again."
Heh. Good work in _finally_ fleshing out the girls, especially Ami, in this
part of TIT, erm, TinT. With a little more spit and polish, you too can make
in-character quips and one-liners ala Morgan Hudson. :P
^_^ I hope to one day aspire to have properly fleshed-out characterizations.
I seem to do better when I'm not dealing with half a dozen people.
Three at once is doable, though.
"Y'know, it's too bad we can't get some real military help with these
youma," Makoto said.
That's because the Japanese 'Self-Defense' force has a height limit before
they're deployed. You have to as tall as a building before they consider you a
serious threat (waxing nostalgic of 'Youma attacks the United States of
America' spamfic from awhile back).
XD It takes a fifty-foot monster to get 'em to get back to work from
their all-day lunch breaks!
"Milk sounds good," Ami agreed, then stopped. "Wait. No, it
doesn't. I'm lactose intolerant!"
She is? What, are you establishing a new fanfic meme?
It's not said anywhere, and I may be wrong, but...
http://anthro.palomar.edu/adapt/adapt_5.htm
I have a 90% chance of being right. :D
Rei looked back and forth between everyone, and noted that for some
reason, they had adopted some of Terra's mannerisms. Usagi, who sat
closest to Terra, had hunched over the table in a similar manner to
the redhead's eating posture. "Ahh, Terra-chan, are you influencing
people on a subconscious level?"
Usagi, eating like a pig? No way, Usagi would never do that! (blinks) Wait...
Only in her wildest dreams. But I'd bet on a good day she could
compete with Miaka...
That'd be ArbyFish who's doing the influencing, and his influence extends even
to the fourth wall.
Or it could be... ALIEN MIND-CONTROL WAVES!!! Wooo~oooo! ^_^
"Thanks, now let's move along."
"Yeah, move along, move a--Hey!" Rei finally caught herself, snapped
out of it, and pointed an accusing finger at whom she perceived as the
culprit. "Stop that! You're doing it again!"
Heh. Though I'm not quite sure if I should laugh at Terra's antics or get
irritated by them... I did mention many a C&C back that I am Mary Sue
intolerant, right? Same thing happened to me when, many years ago, when I got
to the Insertion chapter where Ranma-Carrot-Dan were developing Kaio-Ken powers
after just watching the anime 'Dragonball Z'.
Perhaps your experiences have colored your opinion so much that you
can't actually read what the story contains? :D
If it's funny, laugh. If it's bad, criticize. Poke me, do I not
squelch? Prick me, do I not sue for monetary damages...?
Gotta mix ya metaphors, y'see. Make metaphor stew and serve it for
C$2.40 a bowl!
"Oh no, you don't!" Rei half-yelled. "Terra-chan, make Usagi say
she'll stop being such a ditzy odango-for-brains!"
"Reeei-chaaan!" Usagi cried.
Even Terra couldn't stop that. On the other hand...
At least it was an appropriate remark. ;)
Terra: (does what Rei says)
Usagi: (acts Princess Serenity-ish from now on)
And that wouldn't make anybody happy. ^_^
After the two broke off from their wrestling match, they started
chasing each other around the room, taunting each other.
Sounds _exactly_ like a typical WWE match. ^_^
Heh!
"Heh," laughed Makoto. "I don't know, being able to influence people
might be a fun thing to have."
Dale Carnegie: (nods sagely)
^_^
Luna nodded. "Or after you and Sailor Jupiter had a fight."
The girl's eyes widened when realization hit.
Great. She's half-super-saiyan. All she needs now is a thousand-pound fuku and
a gravity-manipulation room, and she'd be all set.
Mwahahaha. Wouldn't THAT be a sight?
It's getting a bit cliche for me to note that I keep getting flashbacks of
Insertion (sounds perverted...), and a bit silly too, seeing Insertion's
history, but... guess what?
Well, some people get traumatized by war situations, shell shocked
whenever they hear the sound of helicopters. Perhaps you get
flashbacks of fanfics you consider bad? Oscar's stuff was kind of
like being in a war zone, wasn't it?
It's all good. Experience helps us progress on to bigger and better things.
"My goodness, I must be blind," Ami commented with respect the sudden
obviousness of the mystery behind her friend's powers. "Of course,
with respect the sudden --> with respect for the sudden (missing word 'for')
Grammar Rule #38 all over again, dear sir.
...oh, so it is. ^^
But it's a missing "to" that we're talking about.
"My goodness, I must be blind," Ami commented with respect to the
sudden obviousness of the mystery behind her friend's powers.
"That's enough! That's enough!" Terra coughed, blood dripping from
her mouth.
Heh. Well, with great otaku-ken powers comes great fanservice Mary Sue
beat-downs a la Self-Extraction. ^_^ Heck, I'm even getting flashbacks of 'Kung
Fu Hustle' with the mental image of Terra spitting out blood.
As bad as it is to have her seriously damaged at this point, to not do
so would be much worse. :D
On the other hand, Terra thought, Mom doesn't yell; she just looks at
people in a very concerned manner with her head tilted and her hand on
her cheek. Still, she'd probably get upset in that very special way
she always does.
Suggest: always does --> always did (tense confusion)
Grammar Rule #55: When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.
Good point. The thing is, I'm shifting tenses to present because
these are supposed to be internal thoughts. Oh, certainly, I don't
have the clear and definite <> brackets that ASK's inner conversations
always had... but just as sure, this is her inner present-tense
dialogue.
I checked it over and decided to leave it.
"And besides, it was rather obvious. So, tell me why."
"I thought it'd give me magical powers."
Sadly, I'd bet there might be a real life internet news article describing that
very same scene. Maddox the Pirate would contend that these sorts of girls
would deserve the beating.
XD I wouldn't doubt that such an occurrence exists. Kids believe the
strangest things sometimes.
Over the course of ten minutes, Terra explained the circumstances
behind the pain-equals-gain extrapolation. Since her mother already
Son Goku: (nods sagely) What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Triumph the Insult-Comic Dog: Tell that to Christopher Reeve.
Conservative Groups: (boos at Triumph)
Maddox: (makes fun of said Conservative Groups)
:D
In anime, Goku's usually right. On the other hand, some experiences
just drive one crazy, such as Guu's treatment and toying with Hale. :D
focused at the mark on her neck. The black felt like something very
close to the girl's darker emotions: sadness, frustration, agony, and
even anger, but there was something beyond that which she couldn't
quite place.
Something growled inside the pits of Terra Incognita's stomach; an unreachable,
visceral chaos. It did not see. It did not hear. The six blazing orbs which
adorned its warped reptilian head were not eyes, not primitive organic lumps of
gristle with nerves that reacted to light. It had no need to gather information
in the crude and limited fashion of a living being--what it needed to know, it
simply knew.
Ooh...
It had a wealth of energy, but it was merely an outcrop of a force far greater
than itself, a tiny trickle next to a seething ocean of fire and brimstone. It
longed to unleash more of that endless energy, not in the way that a human
might lust for power but in the inescapable way that an inferno hungers for
more fuel to burn. Yet rules defined it, restricted its power, rules which
allowed it to exist in this ethereal form, rules which gave it a purpose and
the means to fulfill it.
A spiffy description!
Its purpose was to hunt. Its purpose was to destroy. And it wanted to get
out... somehow.
Terra burped, and then balked. "Ew. Heartburn. Yuck, there's aftertaste in my
mouth... EW! EW! EWWW! WATER!"
Hey now... that's not bad!
...but that doesn't fit in this chapter.
It does, however, fit almost in its entirety in chapter 22. I've
already inserted it and adapted it in. Your nifty writing has become
one with our own. ;)
"Wow, I didn't know that; that's a good analysis," Terra whispered to
herself. "If you can do that, mind, how about telling me how I can
get Tuxedo Kamen to go head over heels over me?"
Tie a rope, said her mind, to your and his ankles, and roll down a
hill. Terra frowned at the response her mind supplied. "Hey! That's
Heh. I like her mind's snark. Reminds me of SLK without the irritation and
allergies he usually causes me when he unwittingly shows off his SI ways.
I guess there's just a slant to certain comments that determines
whether they're nifty or if they're too self-aggrandizing to be
helpful.
slow her natural healing process, and could possibly be having more
deleterious effects. No, best not pursue the powers of the cursed
Wow. Deleterious is a word (juts it down).
Mwahahah.
"In that case, could this work?" Her mother pulled out a
foot-and-a-half-long scepter with a pink handle, a red top, a crescent
moon, and some gold wing-things.
Hmmm... ^_^ Cameos galore.
Just a cutey moon rod. :D
Terra felt a burst of warmth flow through her body, her vision cut
out for a second, and then she found herself standing in front of her
mother, completely healed and wearing her Sailor Chibimoon outfit.
Breathing a sigh of relief, she deactivated the sailor suit and ended
up back in Rei's borrowed pajamas. In a moment, she discovered her
clothes were absolutely clean, as was her hair and the rest of her
body.
Hmmm. Presdigitation?
It's maaaagic!
Well, the Omega Sailor Recovery is a real thing, but only S.Saturn was
able to use it. Once.
Ami, also wearing a tinfoil hat, smiled broadly while doing an
analysis on her computer. "It looks like I was right. A small
Faraday cage WILL block the psychic mind-control waves."
"Terra," Kasumi called from the other room, "please stop abusing your
new psychic powers. I mean, what would the neighbors say?"
Terra sighed and her shoulders slumped. "Aw, you guys are no fun."
Heh. I liked this part quite a bit, but it steered quite closely and
dangerously into self-indulgence. Ah well; I always get this way whenever an
overpowered character acts in a self-aggrandizing way, even if it's all meant
for good fun.
And the other characters quickly and easily found a countermeasure. ^_^
"The Star Light Knight!" Usagi squealed, hopping upwards.
"Actually, I think she was referring to Terra-chan," Ami corrected.
Usagi dropped back down. "Oh, right."
(shrugs) Same difference.
Well, yes.
"Correct," Luna said. "Right now, she has the ability to manipulate
others' minds, and I suspect this would work on the Dark Kingdom's
generals as well."
"Ya think?" Terra wondered.
(shrugs) I dunno. Usagi's always been their trump card before, but Luna never
voluntarily said, "Let's somehow get Usagi so depressed that she'll turn Super
Sayaji--er, into Princess Serenity and save us all because the Ginzuishou's
powers trumps all our powers like the sun trumps a candle flame. Any
questions?"
Usagi: (raises hand) But I don't wanna be depressed! Don't I get a say in all
of this?
Luna: Hmmm--No. Okay? Good. Now Rei, start taunting Usagi, while Makoto slaps
her silly, while Minako pulls on her odangos, and Ami, write her some Math
problems.
She should DO do that. It'd make things so much easier. :D
Terra burst into laughter, getting milk up her nose and spewing it
all over the place. "Oh, that's a good one, guys! I can just picture
it! 'Hey, give us our crystals back.'" Her expression turned dour.
"Then I get a big energy beam through my skull when he snaps out of it
a second later. I'm going to die again, guys, I just KNOW I'm going
to die again if we try anything like that."
Heh. At the last second, Terra remembered that she's been hit by a guitar and
is smart now, not 'special'. ^.^
At some point, intelligence has to trickle back in. A reality check,
as it were. ;)
"What?!" Terra nearly shouted. "No, it's a Mystical Magical Cutey
Moon Rod or something." But when she actually looked at it, she
Please tell me her clothes aren't going to rip into pieces in full, lolicon
glory.
Well, she's gotta have that happen. Wouldn't be proper if she didn't!
Luna: (blinks) Her clothes aren't going to rip into pieces in full, lolicon
glory.
Really?
Luna: (cat-shrugs) Sure, I guess... if a loving, caring God actually exists.
But where was this so-called God when Gunslinger Girls and Powerpuff Girls Z
were created, huh?! HUH?!
^_^;
Maybe this one just has different preferences.
"And I did get this at Radio Shack," Ami said, pointing at her
laptop. "Luna only helped me upgrade it."
There's a RadioShack at Japan? I though she upgraded it in a shop in Akibahara
Denki Gai or something.
I'm just referencing a running gag in NETTG Classic. Radio Shack
products are manufactured in Japan, but I haven't seen any reference
to Japanese Radio Shack outlets.
Terra: You're missing the point, Abdiel-san! It's fanservice for the Western
Gaijin Otaku! The Small Wonder fanfiction and references to Toys R Us didn't
clue you in?
About Toys R Us...
http://www.toysrus.co.jp/truj/store/english/stores/index.html
Ohohohohohoho! Da ne? Sou desu!
Ami: Besides, name computer brands have been on the decline since late 2000.
Now, if this fic were set during canon Sailor Moon's original timeline...
Terra: Wakarimasen, Ami-chan. Wakarimasen. @_@
People have cellphones and things in this story. In the early 90s,
they weren't nearly so prevalent. TinT is kind of set in an
indeterminate... "now."
"Why not tell them the whole truth?" Terra asked.
"It would cause too many problems," Makoto replied.
"So says the girl who doesn't HAVE any parents."
"THANK YOU FOR BRINGING UP SUCH A PAINFUL SUBJECT!" Makoto growled
while glaring at the redhead. "Rub it in anymore and you're going
back to the hospital... IN A BAG THIS TIME!"
(wince) That _was_ a rather insensitive thing to say. I wonder what the fic's
purpose was in even bringing it up?
To show how rude and thoughtless Terra can be. She ain't little miss
perfect that everyone loves. She's a kind of semi-outsider that is
tolerated, somewhat accepted, but often does things the others
dislike, with detrimental effects to herself.
Fic: (snorts) Here I am, doing what you've suggested and showing people the
past histories of the senshi in a non-tell-y-but-showy sort of way, and you
have the gall to complain? Puh-lease, enough with the Catch-22s, nitpicker!
A good question. If you got everything you asked for in terms of
characterization, would that make you happy?
"No, not compared to you, I wouldn't say."
(nods) Yep. Ami's getting her characterization rounded out in these parts of
the fic.
Yay! We like characterization. ^_^
Ami wasn't the pouting sort, but she nonetheless managed to do so
now.
Ami, like many anime characters like her, become 'Moe'-archetypes of pouting by
the time they're written in Mary Sue/Sailor Moon Crossover Fanfiction. ^_^
Larry, Moe, and Curly!
Yes, the shy bookish types are oftentimes made big targets by such works.
"And they don't think the rest of us are a threat," Makoto noted, and
punched Terra playfully in the arm. "Way to go, Terra!"
Terra's mouth fell open. "Oh, how... lovely."
The one time she doesn't suck, a whole race of demons lead by a powerful force
not unlike the powerful force inside of her declares war on her. Hers should be
a Mary Sue cautionary tale.
With great power comes great responsibility! Now go whack 'em Negamafoozles. ;)
looked like he was listening to someone. "Oh, right. And all
ArbyFish are expressly not invited. Again, at the top of Starlight
Shouldn't that be 'ArbyFishes'?
Fish is plural as well as singular, so I'm adapting that to ArbyFish as well.
"Mom, please, can I?" pleaded Terra. "I mean, when else am I going
to get as good a chance to save the world?"
"Have you done all your homework?" her mother asked.
"Um, no," Terra mumbled.
"Well, I can't very well let you go off saving the world if you
haven't finished your homework," Kasumi said, with some firmness.
Hehehe. How Kim Possible-ish. Or Powerpuff Girls-ish, in particular the episode
where they literally had to save the world before their bedtimes.
:D Gotta take care of the big things before you take care of the
small things like saving the world. ^_^
mechanical hand, in the middle of which was imbedded a glowing
multifaceted white crystal.
Revise: in the middle of which was imbedded a glowing multifaceted white
crystal --> a glowing, multifaceted white crystal imbedded in the middle of it.
(awkward phrasing, passive voice)
Grammar Rule #20: The passive voice is to be ignored.
That is to be a good suggestion.
Or something. ^_^
Seriously, it gets rough when I'm reading engineering specs all day
written in the imperative tense. "Shall be..." and so on. Goes
against everything I believe in, really. But oh well, it's a living.
;)
Changed the phrase.
"Not now that I have my very own Phantom
Silver Ginzuishou Crystal of the Imperium to fight with. Its power
now energizes my entire body, and then some."
Sounds like the fake Shinkon no Tama in one of those filler eps in Inuyasha.
The copy's not usually as good as the original, it's true. ^^
Collect the seven...billion dragon-mushroom-marble balls!
"In any case," he whispered, "what comes next'll be an awesome
battle. Perhaps... perhaps even when I can reunite with her."
Usagi: (hearts in her eyes) Sounds romantic!
Rei: (raises an eyebrow) Sounds perverted.
Makoto: Sounds Dragonball-ish. Like Fusion Dragonballish.
All of the above, and yet none. :D
"Da--" she began to whisper, then stopped and shook her head. "No,
no longer. My destiny is a different one." The young woman
Minako got reincarnated or something?
Or something, perhaps.
"Yes," the girl said. A breeze parted the shade enough for S.L.K. to
see her hip-length blonde hair, accented with stylish bangs and orange
highlights. "I regret to say it, but I must inform you. Your
daughter is dead."
Orange Highlights, huh? So Minako reincarnated into Ran Kotobuki's body? I
guess her turning into a 'kogal' isn't too much of a stretch, knowing her... :P
(Looks it up...)
Hmm. An interesting idea, but didn't quite do that this time. :D
"Hey, hold up!" S.L.K. called after her, and attempted pursuit, but
she was gone. He eventually gave up. "Aw, forget this. I've got a
core being to protect!"
The Star Light Knight headed off towards the tower.
Hmmm. Though this scene is not as dark as Brian Randall's 'Descent', it remains
inapt to the whole silliness of the fic in general. Methinks you've already
covered the back story of this little side-plot by now (since you've finished
this fic already), ne?
It's explained later on, certainly. But the size of the story
precludes following the entire arc. But it is explained. And the
backstory of what occurred is there.
---End of Chapter 13
And now it's time for... MIND YOUR MANNERS!!! with Sailor Nuke.
These 'MIND YOUR MANNERS!!! with Sailor Nuke' segments kind of reminds me of
Foghorn Leghorn in a way; even though the joke is a bit outdated (Foghorn was
emulating one of Fred Allen's radio skit characters which many people at the
time could relate to), what with the SM dub being a distant memory by now, this
classic skit has outgrown its satirical roots and stands up on its own, in a
way. Anyway, Grammar Rules, yo!
Actually, I was thinking of Mind Your Manners, with Billy Quan.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=m-EAfZSQcog
Probably a very obscure reference, from an international perspective. ^^;
Grammar Rule #20: The passive voice is to be ignored.
Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Grammar Rule #55: When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.
Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional puns/homonym-type
spilling mistakes because their usually hard to fined using a spellchecker.
And imagine how bad it would have been if Larry and I hadn't gone over
it a couple times. But at least it's comparatively clean. Only like
one incident of each rule, so that's good.
Don't worry... despite the slight increase of BGRs, these are isolated
incidents that didn't really _litter_ the whole fic. It's still all good.
Yay! A comparatively clean bill of health for the 'fic when it comes
to grammar and such.
Now you can focus instead on plot and preferences! The plot holes are
exposed for all to see under a clear glass of intact text!
As for the story itself: Okay chapter, lots of foreshadowing, it's nice that
Terra gets to use some of her powers now, the funny is still there, it's unfair
of me but I still wish that the SM Girls get to play a more vital role than set
pieces/curtain jerkers for the _real_ protagonists of the story,
Yeah, that's probably the trickiest part. Since the story by design
focuses around Terra, she tends to drive the action, and the villains
have been balanced to account for her Sue-ish overpoweredness.
There are some segments later on where each one plays a key role, but
we're talking in the final battle chapters. However, in the next few
chapters I can look to see where the original protagonists can play a
more major role.
please
downplay ArbyFish's facet of being a force of nature,
But if I did that, he'd be OOC. Ah well. The best I can do is make
him a hindrance rather than a benefit. But what do we do with a
tyrant king progenitor of a species of mutant talking cat seal things?
The other alternative is to make sure he doesn't show up that often.
He could explode, NETTG Classic style, but there's no level 10 super
saiyajins to blow up.
Tricky, tricky bunny...
and I like the intrigue
behind 'Mysterious Girl A' and SLA. As for the other stuff....
All will be revealed. And I know it will because it's written down.
You can rest assured that five years from now, you won't still be
waiting for it to happen. The chapter will get released before then.
[Soapbox derby: I realize that you're doing your part to flesh out the SM
girls. Still, I can't help but feel that they should somehow gain a much more
significant role in this fic. ^^; Is that so wrong for me to hope? Yes, I
appreciated what you've done for Ami, and her nerdy fangirl obsession in what
is deemed to be one of the most retrospectively unpopular shows of all time
goes well with the many counterculture gags in the fic, but... oh, I dunno.
I'm glad a few things have worked out here. Your suggestions on a
more major role for the SM girls are actually very good and have
gotten me thinking of how to redo the ending. Reminds me, for
example, of how Usagi was eventually able to beat a few season-ender
bad guys with pure love and naivete.
There are times when I wish Terra would absorb the four remaining Sailor Senshi
into her so they'd become the new multiple personalities in her head _just_ so
that they'd have a more significant role in the fic and their characterizations
are _literally_ developed care of Terra.
That'd be handy. ^^ But then we'd be back to flashbacks of Carrot's
Insertion again, wouldn't we?
On the other hand, Carrot did use NETTG Classic as an inspiration. I
think he mentioned that once or twice So... while you think you may
be getting Insertion flashbacks, you may really be getting flashbacks
of NETTG Classic, from 10 years ago, before I discovered what
character balance meant. ^^
Still, my wish that the inserted
protagonist makes way for the former protagonists sounds a lot like a C&Cer
saying "I like your lemon fic, except all the lemon parts." I dunno; maybe I'm
just idly wishing for a reverse Star Light Knight or a reverse "Insertion" fic,
where anime characters get to go inside an otaku's mind and drive him crazy.
Hmmm... That sounds like fairly disturbing fic.]
It just wouldn't make a very fun story, the way I picture it. Real
humans' lives tend to be boring, monotonous things without magic and
without big shiny mecha and stuff. It's a big reason why we seek
after such things, really. Anime characters infesting a fanboy's mind
would just result in embarrassing personal situations. The Revengefic
Wars show how dark and pointless it can all get. Still, a lot of
authors had fun with it.
[Yet another soapbox: But I'm getting off track. ^^;; What can I say? I believe
the best stories mostly come from fantastic characters in everyday situations
(The Incredibles, The Powerpuff Girls, and Kim Possible) or normal characters
put in extraordinary situations (Rocky, Harry Potter, Fushigi Yuugi, Sailor
Moon in a way, and good ol' Tenchi Muyo); a theme of contrasts and whatnot. To
make the girls worthy foil for Terra, they'd have to be as involved with Terra
as Tenchi's harem was with Tenchi,
As millions of Yuri fans squeal in delight. o_O
or Miaka's harem was with Miaka.
And that number doubles.
But yeah, I get the idea. Have them do their own thing, participate,
fight, develop their characters and such. Have the title character
beat the end boss if she must, but the others do all kinds of things
that lead up to that. Makes sense.
Or focus
with the Negamafoozles so that they'd act as better antagonists to Terra, such
that they'd become a better rogue gallery and foil for her a la with the
Powerpuff Girls (Z?). Because right now, for good or for ill, "Here comes Terra
to save the day" plot point only worked when she sucked then suddenly didn't
suck anymore for the sake of friends, love, and family. Now that she's coming
on her own and growing up, other avenues of interest must be explored so that
more opportunities for plot development/humor become readily available for the
story to move on. Just... make Terra make use of the series she's in, have her
interact with her environs more, don't just focus the story around her, make
her part of it.]
Good advice... And by advising me thus, you've already managed to
improve future chapters. Chapter 22 has a segment you wrote--it fit
in perfectly and expands the scene where I used it perfectly. And
ideas for how to change the ending are brewing. Lovely stuff!
Anyway, aside from all that, great fic. Who knows? Maybe you've already
addressed these contentions in future chapters. We'll see, so see ya. ;)
Thanks a bunch! I really appreciate the time and effort it took to
put this together! Chapters take hours to properly review on this
level. Doubly appreciated. The least I can do is take a couple hours
to respond and apply the changes.