Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma/Marvel] Avenging Act III Chapter 5
From: DB Sommer
Date: 12/29/2006, 12:03 AM
To: Bert Miller
CC: ffml@anifics.com



Bert Miller wrote:

I think it's been a while since I've commented on a chapter of this 
series,
so it's probably about time.


% Cool. Always look forward. And I live by the credo that you can never 
wait too long to give C+C. Which is why I don't get around to it for 
months sometimes. :)


DB Sommer wrote:

Avenging
Act III, The Animal Farm
Chapter 5

Warning, the action scene has a lot of POV shifts, but breaking them 
up with �xxxx� seemed too bulky. Let me know if there�s some other 
way to do it, or if I should break them up with the x�s
  

I'll try to keep an eye out.

Phantom Cats could have been resolved once and for all. Councilwoman 
Arjuna�s interference had been enough of a pain, but the whole Tigra   

Don't recall any earlier reference to "Councilwoman Arjuna", a name
which attracts
attention.  Presumably a tie-in with the anime series Arjuna?


% Whoops. Yeah. Prologue Councilwoman was Arjuna Ariyoshi (sp?).  She's 
going to be a recurring character and I'm reminding people. She'll pop 
up directly again soon as she is not happy with what the Avengers did 
recently.


Baxter spat his cigarette from his mouth. �Quit your whining, bitch. 
We�ll take care of things for you.�
  

"Bitch" struck me as an odd epithet to use for a man, but maybe that's
just me.  "Wuss", perhaps?


% Yeah, I should change it.


In witnessing the object of his adore violently hurled from the sky, 
the   

Suggest "object of his adoration"


okay


�The tall, darker-skinned one is Rally �Bullseye� Vincent, who�s 
reputed to never miss, no matter what weapons she uses. Her partner, 
the small blonde that looks like a child, is Minnie-May Hopkins, aka 
Nitro, the Exploding Girl.

�Collectively they�re known as the Gunsmith Cats, and they are going 
to assassinate the Avengers.�
  

Heh.  I like it.  Nice use of the Gunsmith Cats; Rally as Bullseye seems
especially good.


% Thanks. I hope they impress.


Looking forward to more.


% Might be a little while as the holidays and working six days a week 
have had be running ragged of late. Christmas felt good just to have 
some time off.


I wasn't bothered by the 'x's as you have them in currently; they seemed
to work as well as any other separators.

I don't think you need separators for POV changes within a scene, like
in the big fight scene.


% That last bit was what I was worried about. Nice to know it worked 
okay. No one has complained about the rapid POV shifting in that scene.

% Thanks for the help.

DB Sommer










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