Subject: [FFML] [C&C] Re: [Bleach]Fuel Injected: 01
From: Aaron Nowack
Date: 12/29/2006, 6:55 PM
To: Troy Thomas
CC: ffml@anifics.com

C&C catchup mode begins... now.

Better late than never, after all.

Troy Thomas wrote:
Fuel Injected

Bleach is the creation and property of Tite Kubo.

Standard C&C Disclaimer:  All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.

----------

01. 'Went from a teen to a young adult/No excuses/It ain't my fault'

...interesting.

They say the outer districts of Soul Society's Rukongai are terrible,
 especially on children. Whoever 'they' are Ichigo Kurosaki couldn't
 figure out, but he supposed 'they' were right, especially if 'they'
had been speaking about Inuzuri's seventy-eighth. It was especially
tough on the feet, and the legs, and the lungs, and even the ears.
"You little rat!" That was the man behind Ichigo, chasing him.

Suggest a paragraph break before "You little rat!"

Maybe even one after it, too.

He had a big stick, which Ichigo felt to be perhaps from the ugly 
tree the man had fallen out of, hitting every branch on the way down.

"felt to be perhaps from" is grammatically correct, I think, but reads
very awkwardly.

Suggest: "which Ichigo thought was probably from"

"Even if you give up now, I'm gonna kill ya'!" Well, felt Ichigo,
that was perhaps the best reason he couldn't stop running now.

Again, I'd suggest some paragraph breaks around here, since having
someone else's dialogue in the middle of Ichigo's internal monologue is
jarring to me.

Why was he running from the man in the first place though? 

Comma after though.

I don't particularly like using a rhetorical question like that in this
type of narration.  If you really want to keep it, I'd suggest moving us
further into Ichigo's head and have have the question be in his "voice."

...I hope that makes sense.

Whatever had happened, it had ended with Ichigo running, and the old
man chasing.

...so, we have Ichigo as a presumably non-powered spirit in Rukongai.
Curious.

Well, it actually wasn't done yet. There was still the escaping, and
not the getting beaten up, hoped Ichigo.

Suggest just: "There was still the escaping, and hopefully not the
getting beaten up."

That was until he saw what a horse had left behind perhaps not just
as a present for all the world but in particular for a
short-for-his-age orange-haired boy. He jumped over it, deciding the
man behind him would appreciate it even more than Ichigo could, which
wouldn't be hard, he decided, never having developed any sort of
feeling towards ripe horse crap other than disgust.

These sentences are a little overlong, I think.  Suggest breaking them
up some.

He did enjoy the sound of a slip and fall from behind him though. 

Comma before though.

And also the sound of the man's now incoherent screams which chased 
after Ichigo in the man's place but had as much chance of catching 
him as an ugly old man hopefully face down in a pile of horse doings 
did.

As written, this should be part of the previous sentence.  Even without
that, its also a bit long and could use some breaking up.


Alley, corner, street, building, and dog.... In losing the old man,
and weaving his way through unfamiliar city to safety, Ichigo hoped
the old man would get as lost as Ichigo did trying to mislead him
were he to try to look for him.

I'd drop "In losing the old man, and" and just start the sentence with
"Weaving"

Also "through the unfamiliar city"

"were he to try to look for him." could probably also be dropped without
losing anything.

Collapsing against alley wall, sliding down onto his butt, Ichigo 
couldn't help but look up to the sky that was in turn peeking down 
between the two buildings at Ichigo. 

"alley wall and sliding"

Sentence is a bit too wordy, I'd suggest just dropping everything after
sky or alternatively changing to "sky that was peeking down between the
two buildings"

Pochi. Ichigo's... friend...? Who the hell knew the kid's real name?
Not even Pochi, that was for sure. But he wasn't a bad kid, except
for the frequent theft of money, food, and anything else that could
fit in his hands from anybody without the wits to keep an eye on
their belongings in the seventy-eighth. He also lied a lot, and when
he did that, you had to go and find him and then kick him awake. And
he also seemed to be allergic to the truth, always sweating when he
had to speak it, which is when Ichigo ever suspected the boy of
something small-time criminal, which tended to be all the time.

Again, these sentences could probably use some breaking up.

The boy was probably hiding, hoping for Ichigo to cool down. 
Unfortunately for Pochi felt Ichigo was how Ichigo had a special kind
of temper where if he didn't blow up when he wanted to, then he'd
wait for an opportunity to present itself.

"felt Ichigo was how" shouldn't be there, I don't think.

Pochi looked at Ichigo, as though thinking, which to Ichigo didn't
seem likely. "You know, Strawberry. I heard those with spirit power
grow old really slowly here. I've grown at least three centimetres
since you got here, and you ain't even grown at all. And you were ten
when you died, huh? You still look ten now even though it's been five
years."

Hmm.  Don't recall if that's the right age for him to have died instead
of his mom.

And ahead, the thirty-third. Probably the only place in the downs
with any amount of sunlight during the day, as once in the past did
it burn, 

"it did burn"

taking many live and buildings, neither of which were ever
replaced, the current residents deciding to build up rather than out.

This sentence is another candidate for breaking up.

Ichigo took two bags of fruit from Bishou, and then bowed, and began
to walk away from Bishou.

"took the two bags"

"Yeah," said Pochi, unenthusiastically. "And then you can become a 
shinigami." That he said with life, but Ichigo ignored Pochi.

"said with life"?  Not sure what you mean there.

Well, felt Ichigo. It was a nice dream anyway. Maybe it'd come true
one day.

-----

End 01.

Definitely an interesting start; I'll be keeping an eye ot for future parts.

-- Aaron Nowack "Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis." http://www.mimiru.net/ .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----. | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com | | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com | | Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject | `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'