Subject: [FFML] Re: [FanFic][SM] NETTG - Terra in Tokyo Ch.8
From: Abdiel
Date: 12/28/2006, 11:08 AM
To: "Benjamin A. Oliver" <benjamin.a.oliver@gmail.com>

The year 2006 and the month of December are just about to come to an end, so
let's cap it off with a little C&C.

Standard C&C Disclaimer: I'd just like to remind you before we begin that I am
not God. At least not the Judeo-Christian God, as conventionally interpreted.
Specifically, I am not omniscient. I may question something that happens in
your story which is, in fact, Actual Series Canon. I have precious little
experience with many 'Actual Series' events, and a lot of my perceptions are an
agglomeration of years of fanfics, numerous anime/cartoons/TV
shows/movies/books of both old and new, and assorted other tidbits.

Further, I am not omnipresent. I will say things shaped by my experiences;
other people more than likely have different experiences. If you've got five
thousand responses saying your story is the greatest thing since sliced bread
and I (pardon the pun) pan it, that's not indicative of any greater knowledge
on my part, merely a different perception/expectation/what have you.
Alternately, if I pan a story, that doesn't preclude the possibility that other
people reading it later will think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread,
so to all you readers reading this: Don't let me stop you.

Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave
it.

Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.

And my current victim is... ;)

On 4/26/06, Benjamin A. Oliver <boliver@email.arizona.edu> wrote:

What's happened so far?  Well ya see, there's this girl, and she saved her
friends at the risk of her life, and now that she's come back from the dead,
she's got a job interview.

Hey! When did NETTG become the later seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

...Kidding aside, that summary in essence describes the crazy that is NETTG to
a 'double' t.
 
There, with that out of the way, let's get to seeing what the villains think
about all this. ^_^

Cool. Antagonist character development.

Nuke 'Em 'Till They Glow!!
Terra in Tokyo

---Chapter 8:  Plotting, Meditation, Torture, and Knitting?

       It was a typical day in the Dark Kingdom.

       "JADEITE NO BAKA!"

Heh. Nice parody of the typical day in Ranma fic, or, as of late, nice parody
of the parodies of the typical day in Ranma fic.

Queen Beryl sent her loyal First General
flying over the horizon.

       "Aiyah!" cried Zoicite in a cutesy Chinese voice.  "Crazy queen-lady
hurt
Airen!"  He jumped on a slim motorbike and sped off in the direction of
Jadeite's flight, ringing the little bell on it as he went.

Hehehe. Not one member of the FFML will miss this fairly obvious in-joke.

       "Uncute tomboy!" Nephrite berated his leader.  "Yer always hittin' on
us for
things we ain't doin'!"

XD I find this funny for the simple fact that I can find this very 'accent' in
nine out of every ten Ranmafics in the FFML. 

       Behind her throne, the gigantic force known as Metallia flowed around
and
glared at Beryl with a huge demon face.  "BERYL, WHY AREN'T YOU GATHERING
ENERGY FOR ME?!"

Ah, of course. Soun. Almost forgot. Shame on me for not realizing earlier, what
with me reading countless Ranma fics and the entire manga to better clarify
canon problems within those countless fics...
 
       The redhead folded her arms and pouted.  "Well, I would have, if it
wasn't for
those darn kids and their cat!"

       "YOUR FAILURE MEANS NOTHING TO ME," replied the monster, "AND FOR THAT
YOU MUST
DIE!!!"

       Metallia promptly swallowed the queen in one chomp, then licked her
jaws and
said, "TASTES LIKE CHICKEN!"

       Then Queen Beryl, ruler of the Dark Kingdom, woke up.

(sweatdrop) I don't care if the sweatdrop is stock or cliche. This is the best
comment I can come up with after that doozy of a dream sequence. Oh yeah, that
and (facefaults) *WHUMP*

       Beryl opened her eyes.  She was slumped against the arm of her
skeletal throne,
apparently having dozed off after the rough evening she had.  Her faced still

faced --> face

Careful with these types of spelling error that can easily slip past the
spellchecker; I wouldn't want you to tarnish your so-far good record in grammar
and spelling.

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional puns/homonym-type
spilling mistakes because their usually hard to fined using a spellchecker.   

planet.  But unexpected resistance came in the form of their old enemies, the
Sailor Scouts--or Soldiers, as they now called themselves.  Thousands of
years
ago, she had watched them all die at the hands of her demon goddess, but they
had somehow been reborn or reorganized.  This complicated things
tremendously.

Sailor Pluto: Hah. Complicating things? You dare speak to me of complicating
things? Well, I for one can't planet power makeup anymore 'coz I'm apparently
not representing an actual planet! Only when you have felt the full gravity of
meandering idiocy may you dare speak to me about complicating things. 

Sailor Uranus: (raises an eyebrow) Wow. Did it take you all day to think that
one up?

to confront him.  Even the first foothold they had gained upon the Earth was
obliterated by them with the help of the traitor fleet commander, who must
also
have been reborn in this time.

Domo arigato, Mister Roboto.
 
S.L.K.: Oh hardy-har-har. 

Beryl had
watched it happen through a scrying spell in the crystal ball atop her staff.

The fact that Microsoft Word deems 'scrying' as a non-word is merely evidence
that Bill Gates is not a D&D type of nerd. He's still a nerd, but not just that
kind of nerd.

       There was a deep, dark and melodious masculine chuckle from beyond the
edge of

Suggest: deep, dark, and (when listing three or more items, add commas after
each item before the last item)

Also: Pick from the two options below...

melodious, masculine (if both descriptors are modifying 'chuckle')

melodiously masculine (if 'melodious' is modifying 'masculine')

       The voice chuckled once again.  "I took care of your little 'Sailor V'
problem,
didn't I?"  A broken crescent-shaped compact fell into the light, as well as
a
few shattered scraps of what had been a crystalline sword.  "She and her
ditzy
friend are gone forever."

Tsk. Darn it, and I liked Usagi Tsukino Version 1 too. (wonders idly if this
person is the oft-mentioned, fic-fandom-famous Hermaphrodite Oscar)

       "Oh-ho-ho, yesss."  Out of the shadows, the Advisor hopped forward. 
He was a
small creature, pure white, vaguely cat- and seal-like.  His red irises
glowed
in the darkness and he carried a pair of sharp, thin knitting needles as well
as a scrap of tightly-woven cloth. 

Well, I was close. An evil Arby the Arbyfish is about as Oscarifying as you can
get. And yayness! It looks like the Negamafoozles are exploring the possibility
of recruiting Terra as a new baddy. Not _exactly_ what I suggested before, but
close enough; great minds think alike and all that jazz. :P

       "Thanks," Terra breathed a sigh of relief.  She went over to the
elevator and
got straight in when it opened.  Someone came out past her.  She stopped when
something like a shock jabbed through her mind.  

The visual cue/trite foreshadowing device that no self-respecting otaku
wouldn't know about.

       Terra sighed.  "Arby, what are you doing here?  And why are you
wearing--"
Then she stopped.  She remembered that terrible, terrible things had a nasty
habit of occurring when she asked the creature questions.  "Nevermind!  I
don't

Nevermind! --> Never mind!

Grammar Rule #24: Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

       "Oye's givin' yew a recharge!" Arby announced, squeezed the 'shroom,
and
squirted some mushroom juice 

Ewwww...

Terra: (blinks blissfully) What? Is there something wrong with 'mushroom
juice'?

It's better that you never find out what's wrong with 'mushroom juice'. Or at
least when you're of _international_ legal age (because the legal age of
Japan... the human zygote stage... is just plain wrong)

       The door slid open to a beautiful silken padded paradise.  

Suggest: beautiful, silken-padded paradise. 

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.

       Terra laughed nervously at the joke.  "Umm, yeah."

       The CEO glared at her.  "I SAID I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR SOUL, YOU TWIT!"

Ah yes. Let the silliness commence.

       Then her mind gave her a whap upside the skull and told her, hey, this
woman
here can't be the real CEO of a major modeling company.  I mean, look at her,
turning into a bat-winged grey creature like that.  Do you call that
professional behavior?  Honestly, some people have no manners.

Hehehe. Snarky. About as snarky as an 8-bit Theater comic, which is always
cool.

       In a puff of smoke, a figure appeared where Terra had pointed.  Short,
squat,
pale and with a horrified look on its face, it was a naked anemic midget with
a
broken stick falling out of its hand.

LOL. Speaking of 8-bit Theater...

The mutant chocobo/The WTF: Awk! I'm a sin against nature! Awk! I was never
meant to be! Awk! Every second of existence is like a thousand excruciating
deaths!

It moved so quickly that the girl didn't have time to reflect on the terrible
slimy cold feeling when it climbed into her mouth, burrowed through her soft
palate, wrapped around her spine, and connected itself to her brain.  "Oh
my!"

....

Terra: Mmmph? 

...This is so wrong in so many levels that I can't even begin to describe it.
Oh, here's one way: They just went Urotsukidoji on your mouth. Ah, here's
another: They just put a long, slimy snake into a fourteen-year-old's mouth,
and it just won't stop coming. Hmmm, wait, I got more...

       The message had arrived just a few minutes after the Irish girl left,
wrapped
around a very heavy, slimy mushroom, and thrown through a closed window in
the
shrine.  

Hmmm. I suggest revising the above sentence. When I first read it, it sounded
like the Irish girl got wrapped around a very heavy, slimy mushroom and thrown
through a closed window in the shrine.

Suggest: The message had arrived just a few minutes after the Irish girl left;
it was wrapped

Or: The message had arrived just a few minutes after the Irish girl left. It
was wrapped

       "Anyway, we're just about there," said Mars when they reached the door
to the
penthouse level.  Jupiter kicked it hard sending the reinforced steel door

Revise: Jupiter kicked it hard, sending the reinforced steel door

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

       The four miniskirted warriors for love and justice struck a great, big

Suggest: miniskirted --> mini-skirted

Grammar Rule #73 all over again.

photogenic group pose that would have won them dozens of awards and marriage
proposals at sentai series cosplay conventions.

Come to think of it, Naoko Takeuchi-Togashi got all of that. That is, she got a
marriage proposal, a sentai series for Sailor Moon, and regular use of her
characters at cosplay conventions. Not exactly in that order, though.  

       "Ew," she whispered.  "Luna was right.  This place IS messed up.  And
it's so
blurry, too."  She turned to a passing memory troglodyte.

Wow, you're not making up words. There really is such a thing as a troglodyte.

What the hell is a troglodyte?

       Terra covered her mouth in shock.  "NAKED BEEFCAKE PICTURES OF TUXEDO
KAMEN?!!?"

       "Wow, it sure didn't take long for you to figure out what you wanted,
did you?
I got 'em here!  In focus and everything."

       Terra instantly reached for her purse, but then remembered she was in
some sort
of mental dreamscape.  

Heh.

       A tingling at the base of her skull stung Terra, but it didn't force
her into
action.  Zoicite believed her to now be suceptible to suggestion, her mind
told

suceptible --> susceptible

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

To gasps of shock from her friends, she widened the
incision, grabbed the yellow alien serpent, tore it out of her body, and
flung
it at Zoicite.

Nice thinking, but I have to admit that this Sailor Chibimoon is simply the
most hardcore Chibimoon I've ever seen. She even has shades of S.L.K. in her,
even. 

(shakes head) Only in NETTG can I type in 'hardcore' and 'Sailor Chibimoon' in
the same sentence. 

       A flurry of attacks were then let fly by the group of enraged Sailor
Soldiers.

Revise: A flurry of attacks were --> A flurry of attacks was

Grammar Rule #1: Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

As I mentioned before, one thing I find unfortunate (but ultimately
unavoidable, given that Terra is undoubtedly the star of this fic) is how the
girls have now been relegated to becoming a 'Sailor Soldier Collective' such
that there are times when one girl is indistinguishable from the other. Case in
point...

       "FIRE SOUL!"
       "MOON TIARA ACTION!"
       "SUPREME THUNDER!"
       "SHABON SPRAY!"

Yet another nitpick: Isn't it anticlimactic for Ami to blind the enemy with
soap and fog after all those attacks? Wouldn't it make more sense if she was
the one who initialized the attack, blinding the opponent enough to get hit by
the rest of the far-more offensive maneuvers? 

       "So, she wasn't really brainwashed," Sailor Mars whispered, looking at
her
fallen comrade.

       "Not all the soap in the world could wash THAT brain," Luna commented.

Hehehe.
 
       "DIE!!!" the voice screamed, and a something white with a blade
flashed past

Revise: and a something white --> and something white

Because-a we're-a not-a Mario or-a stereotypical-a Italiano. 

       Mercury desperately switched on her computer and tried to get a scan. 
"It's
a... rare breed... elite class... White ArbyFish?  This one's fifty thousand
years old.  And its power readings are off the scale!"

It figures that those Loki-like creatures would have DBZ-like power readings.

       "One question, though," Mercury began.  "If this was the second most
horrible
experience of your life, what was the first?"

       "Running naked through the city for hours with a crazy ArbyFish taking
pictures
of me and selling them to the highest bidder," Terra explained.

Figures that dying excruciatingly while fighting the Shitennou doesn't even
faze her compared to that, but what about watching her friends die? Wasn't that
horrifying to her as well?

Terra: And make this fic sound needlessly sappy and dark? I don't think so.

       "Indeed," Chibimoon added while leaning against one of the heavily
padded

Suggest: heavily-padded

       The woman chewed on her lip, deep in thought for a minute, and then
sighed.
"No, not really.  You're rather pretty, and I'm sure we could fit you in
somewhere, but you're a foreigner."

       Terra nodded.  "Nationalism and racism?  I can understand that."

Figures.

       "And we'd like someone with a tight, lithe, slim figure.  You're too
short,
slightly too bulky and you're one cup size too large."

       Terra stood up and put her hands on her hips.  "HEY NOW!"

Heh. Well, of course she'd draw the line _there_.

       But it was too late to say anything else.  Due to an incredible lack
of
honorific usage, the one upon whom Terra had placed all of her hopes and
dreams
had gone for her pointy umbrella.  "OUT, OUT, OUT!  AND LEARN TO BE POLITE
BEFORE TALKING TO ANYONE EVER AGAIN!!!"

       "WAAAAAAAAH!!!"

Heh. Nice running gag.

       The bookwormish girl nodded.  "That explains it.  You have to be
careful around
those businessy types, especially the ones with pointy umbrellas."

(raises an eyebrow) For a bookwormish (sic) girl, she sure is informal.
'Businessy' indeed.

       Makoto patted her on the back.  "Hey, it's no problem.  Anything for
our
favorite good luck charm."

Makoto: (kicks prose) Get it right! It's Lita!

Prose: We're not doing that gag anymore. Move along.
 
       There were no disagreements.  There were a few more chuckles, a
playful
argument or two about unimportant things, some plans for a trip to the mall,
and finally some expressed concerns for a huge test going on the next day,
whereupon the group split up and hurried home for a last-ditch cramming
session.

Sailor V: Resurrect me! I want to be a part of your group! I don't want to
die... to be dead... to remain dea--I want to LIIIIVE!

Edward Elric: (shakes head) Believe me, lady; you wouldn't want to wish that. I
say let the dead stay dead.

Terra: (whistles innocently)

Goku: (chimes in) He's right, y'know. It'd be such a waste. The afterlife
provides optimum training facilities. You'll get stronger for the heck of it!
(nods sagely)
 
Sailor Nuke:  And blow up snakes before they get to you.  Sailor Nuke sez.
BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAA!!!

Hmmkay. Borken Grammer Rulz, yo!

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

Grammar Rule #1: Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional puns/homonym-type
spilling mistakes because their usually hard to fined using a spellchecker.   

...And these are the mistakes I got after giving much leeway to intentional
misspellings and humorous coinages of new words. From, at most, four broken
grammar rules, now there are five. Not so bad, though I expected better from
the fic, seeing its track record. Nevertheless...

I have virtually no problems with the plot. It's wonderful, actually... so
wonderful that I thusly dub this chapter the 'Laugh Out Loud' chapter for the
sheer amount of gags and jokes that actually worked and had me in stitches (as
opposed to the other chapters, which gave me light 'Heh' chuckles and 'Oh, I
see; clever, that,' acknowledgments). The jokes are indeed funnier this time
around, giving me the impression that you've finally just hit your stride and
went full-tilt after testing the waters, temporarily killing the senshi, and
unleashing deux ex machina action in the first major arc of the series. I
particularly like the tongue-in-cheek side comments of Terra's mind. It reminds
me so much of 'Hearts of Sugar', in a manner of speaking. Terra's character is
developing quite nicely, though the lack of S.L.K. involvement has me curiously
wondering when he'll pop up. As much as I hate his god-moding antics, he is, at
times, genuinely badass enough to work for the good of the story. At times.

As for the Bruce the white ArbyFish... Interesting. Very interesting. Too bad
the series has lost Usagi-lite because of him--

Minako: HEY! Usagi was the one based after me! She's Minako-lite! 

--but then again, I don't see why she shouldn't be resurrected as their future
enemy just to spice things up.

Minako: ...Hmmm. Good point. (cackles maniacally)

My only real nitpick and suggestion to you (as I've said in previous chapters)
is to make the rest of the Sailor Soldiers' personalities stand out more. Don't
turn them into the (this joke is borrowing heavily from your old sig) 'Bored
Collective'. Yes, I know this fic is all about Terra, and yes, further
character development and subplots involving the 'senshi collective' as
individuals will detract from the main point of the NETTG: TIT (Terra), but
just a little bit focus on the foil wouldn't hurt. I mean, you can spare that
much attention to Usagi (and, in a slightly diminished form, Rei), so why not
Makoto and Ami? I'm not saying that you should go full-tilt and focus whole
chapters on each one of them, I'm just saying that they'll act more effectively
as foil to Terra by becoming more well-rounded individuals with minor subplots
and side-stories that revolve back to your uber-protagonist (like, say, with
Usagi and her constant gibbering for Terra, and the surly dynamic Rei and Terra
are developing... do that with 'Lita' and Ami as well). Just a minor footnote,
is all. 

Schyeah. So do keep on writing. Make use of whatever corrections that suit your
fancy and ignore the rest, these are strictly my opinion after all. I also
apologize for any spelling and grammar mistake my C&C has made. It'd be ironic
for a correction to need a correction, but we're all only human, after all. As
such, can't wait for more.


Nakakamangha ang inyong abilidad sa panunulat,
Abdiel

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"English: A language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages, and
rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary."

"Japanese: Tried to do the same mugging technique that English did, with
disastrous results."

Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com 

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'