Subject: [FFML] Re: [CCS] Sakura's Christmas Surprise Chap 5 - Sakura's Return to a Normal Life
From: "Henry J. Cobb" <>
Date: 12/23/2006, 11:56 AM

"David Barry" <> wrote:
Sakura's Christmas Surprise

Chapter 5: Sakura's Return to a Normal Life
Tomoyo paused in thought. "Actually, no you haven't."

The readers should know that Tomoyo is a thoughtful girl, but what is she
actually doing at this point that can be seen?

The increasingly upset Chinese girl folded her arms. "You're always

Ly, ly, ly.  Be on the lookout for ly.  Also you've just renamed Meilin to
"the Chinese girl" without telling the reader.

"Tomoyo-chan! Meilin-chan!" they heard Sakura cry out. Turning, they saw
the girl running straight toward them, waving her free left arm as her
right was burdened with luggage. She then called out their names again.

Now you're being a little too specific with the action.  It would be best
to focus on either the two girls or Sakura.  Since Sakura is being the
most active at this point it would be best to just show what she's doing
unless one of the others is going to react strangely.

Meilin blinked as Tomoyo shot off towards the incoming girl.

And here you've switched from Sakura to Meilin and then back again.

I'd pick an external or internal point of view and stick with it.  Is this
being presented as a TV show?  If so you could hint at the camera motions
with the girls reacting to Sakura and then focusing on her for a bit.

If this is an internal story, then pick one character and point out what
she feels to be notable.  Tomoyo might be the best one for this scene as
she first studies Meilin then focuses on Sakura.

"Yes. And you can tell me how you lost your tooth there." Tomoyo began to
laugh her strange laugh, while Sakura whined pitifully.

Who is it who finds the laugh to be strange and the whining to be pitiful?

Sakura jumped as the front door opened, signaling the return of her father
from his excavation. She quickly made sure everything was properly placed
and cooking appropriately, before rushing to greet her father.

So Sakura checks all the dishes in mid-jump?  I'd write this with Sakura
going through the details for one dish, hearing the door, then going back
and picking up where she was interrupted before rushing to the door.

Fujitaka shook his head. "Not while I was there, but I got to look at a
few artifacts that few have seen in thousands of years."

Using few twice is jarring here.

"Now, now. There's no need to go into that. Sakura is old enough to make
her own decisions, just as you did at her age." Fujitaka waved his hands
in downward fashion motioning for them to calm down.

If you show an action then explain its meaning you weaken the impact.

"I'm back!" Meilin announced strutting into Syaoran's family house as if
she owned it. She soon found Fanren and Syaoran sitting in the main room.

Shouldn't that be the Li family house?  And isn't that in Hong Kong?  So
I'm uncertain at this point as to which country she's in.  What do you
call their estate in Japan?

-- Henry J. Cobb .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----. | Administrators - | | Unsubscribing - | | Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject | `---- -----'