Subject: [FFML] Re: [FanFic][SM] NETTG - Terra in Tokyo Ch.7
From: Abdiel
Date: 12/21/2006, 11:01 AM
To: "Benjamin A. Oliver" <benjamin.a.oliver@gmail.com>
CC: FFML <ffml@anifics.com>

Standard C&C Disclaimer: I'd just like to remind you before we begin that I am
not God. At least not the Judeo-Christian God, as conventionally interpreted.
Specifically, I am not omniscient. I may question something that happens in
your story which is, in fact, Actual Series Canon. I have precious little
experience with many 'Actual Series' events, and a lot of my perceptions are an
agglomeration of years of fanfics, numerous anime/cartoons/TV
shows/movies/books of both old and new, and assorted other tidbits.

Further, I am not omnipresent. I will say things shaped by my experiences;
other people more than likely have different experiences. If you've got five
thousand responses saying your story is the greatest thing since sliced bread
and I (pardon the pun) pan it, that's not indicative of any greater knowledge
on my part, merely a different perception/expectation/what have you.
Alternately, if I pan a story, that doesn't preclude the possibility that other
people reading it later will think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread,
so to all you readers reading this: Don't let me stop you.

Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave
it.

Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.

And my current victim is... ;)

On 4/24/06, Benjamin A. Oliver <boliver@email.arizona.edu> wrote:
What to do with the story next?  Continue along, that's what.  It seems it
got a
bit dark in the last couple chapters.  Well, I said it would, kind of.  The
story thus far can be summarized as... girl joins miniskirted superheroine
group.  Girl loses miniskirted heroine group.  Girl reverses time and saves
miniskirted heroine group.  

(shrugs) Y'know me. Nitpicker till the end. As such, suggest: miniskirted -->
mini-skirted

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.

Girl dies.  Or somesuch.  

somesuch --> some such.

Grammar Rule #24: Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

What happened, in even
shorter terms?

And then they all died...
But it was just a dream...

Nuke 'Em 'Till They Glow!!
Terra in Tokyo

---Chapter 7:  But the Dream Was Real!

O_o;;; I get the feeling that this is a Ping-Pong game, and I'm the ball...

Terra: You and me both, bud.

Oh yeah. Regarding your title...

Revise: But the Dream Was Real! --> But the Dream was Real!

Grammar Rule #72: In 'Title Case', Always Capitalize The First And Last Word In
A Title. Capitalize All The Other Words Except For A, An, The, And Conjunctions
And Prepositions Of Four Letters Or Fewer. 

       "Aahh... ughhhh," Terra groaned as feeling eased back into her
battered body.
"Mom?  What happened?"  Her vision was blurred as she opened her eyes and
tried
to look around.  "Mom?  Are you there?"

       "No," said a woman's voice, "I'm Nurse Joy.  You're in the Intensive
Care Unit.
 Your friends said you took a nasty fall."

Heh. So she's a Pokemon. That actually makes a lot of sense...
 
Though I admit I'm kind of disappointed that you ignored the opportunity for a
Marty McFly, "Mom? Mom, is that you?" running gag. :P

       "Uh, yeah, right," Terra replied blearily.  "A fall."  Well, it was
true that
she did fall a few times, like when she slammed at near supersonic speeds
into

Suggest: near-supersonic

       "Oh, nonsense.  You can't die.  You're a Pokemon."

Oh, that's right. She only 'fainted'.

       But that didn't explain how all her mortal injuries had just up and
vanished.
She'd heard rumors that Japanese doctors weren't that good, due to apathy,
culture, or something like that.  

Azrael (GaijinSmash.net): Rumors my kancho-proofed black ASS!

And while Japan might have a few pretty
awesome doctors, surely they couldn't work miracles like this.  

Black Jack would disagree.

       The ArbyFish hopped up upon her raised knee and bowed slightly. 
"G'day.  'Ello
sez I to You to Me and You back in return!"

Aw. No more 'Yew to Me and Yew'? I know there are people complaining about
Arby's dialogue (and I myself, more often than not, usually complain about fic
Ranma and his 'New York Accent' in prose), but I got so used to his 'yew' thing
and general silliness that it seems different to see Arby actually use, well,
correctly-spelled words in his dialogue.

Then again, from seeing the later chapters, Arby apparently has the poetic
license to have lapses and variations of his accent and spelling, so... yeah.
He's practically Grammar Rule #0-proofed.
 
       The girl quickly identified it.  "Arby, this is a mushroom."

       "No, no, it's," Arby started to say, then stopped when he got a better
look at
it when Terra held it up.  "Oh, so it is."

Hehe.

       The door fell open and an unconscious, snoring nurse slipped onto the
floor.
She had red hair in large cutesy ringlets as well as a doll-like nurse outfit
like what one might expect in a kids' show targeted mainly at preadolescent
males without totally neglecting females due to the added marketing
possibilities.  Her photo-ID nametag read in kanji, "Joi."

Hey, now. That's just journalizing and making barely-hidden rants disguised as
fic. ^^

       Arby strikes again, it would appear.  Hmm, Veterinarian, Terra
thought.  She
sincerely hoped the woman's real name wasn't "Murray."  

Well, that reference just went over my head. Whu?

       "Interview?" Terra asked.  Then she remembered the call they'd gotten
just
before she'd gone off to whack some Negamafoozles.  "Oh, right, that!  Yes,
yes, I still want to go.  Modeling, pop idol singing and all that stuff.

Suggest: Modeling, pop idol singing, and all that stuff. (when listing three or
more items, add commas after each item before the last item)

       She had some casual outfits, but the only semi-formal things she had
were a
white Halloween princess dress, a green ballgown, and a bunch of sailor
school

Suggest: ball gown
 
       "You come back from the dead and you're worried about a JOB
INTERVIEW?!"

Terra: Well, yeah. There's no time like the present and all that.

       What a bunch of pansies, her mind supplied.  Oh death, where is thy
sting?  Oh,
grave, where is thy victory?

Heh. It sounds like something S.L.K. would say, but it's funnier coming from
Terra('s kooky mind).

       "Glad to have you back, Terra," Makoto said.

       "We've had a lot to think about the last few days," added Ami.

If there was one nitpick I'd have of this fic, it's the fact that the rest of
the senshi, save Usagi and Rei occasionally, has been relegated to chiming in
from time to time (with dialogue in accordance to their personality) just so
the reader won't forget they're there. It's also of note that while all of your
characters are more or less consistently IC, I feel kind of disappointed that
Ami has IMO turned into the intelligent, deadpan princess a la Rei Ayanami.

I mean, I understand that this isn't really a normal SM fic, and scenes like
this:

Rei: Usagi, your room's a pigsty. I don't even know where the floor is.

Usagi: HEY! I'll have you know that I've junk-piled everything in my room in
correct order! The comic books and magazines are on the floor, the towel is on
the magazine rack, the Hello Kitty massager is on the towel rack, my ID is on
the hamper and my clothes are on the bed! See? Perfectly organized!

...would steal 2x2 Chibi-Usa-den, er, Terra's thunder, but at the very least
use Terra as a focal point for each of the girl's personality quirks more. Not
too much, just more than what you've done so far in these previous chapters. 

       Terra nodded.  Proof, yes.  She needed proof that she was who she was.
 But if
it came to that, was she really sure that she was herself and not some sort
of
clone or robot programmed to think she was who she was?  

That's another interesting plot point... but knowing what she really is, it's
just the random thought/gobbledygook of her mind.

up in the hospital, good as new.  Maybe I'm a clone or something.  Maybe
somebody's got a huge fishtank full of me in their basement, ready to come
out
whenever I die.  

Rei Ayanami: (after a long pause) ...I suggest you use 'fish tank' instead of
'fishtank'.

       "That DOES sound a lot like me, doesn't it?" Terra said.  "But how do
I know if
I can trust myself?  If I'm some kind of secret robot assassin disguised as
me,
I'd really want to know."

Heh. What a secret. It's so well-hidden, even the person hiding it doesn't know
about it.

       "Have I?" inquired Terra.  "Have I really?  Maybe I'm just programmed
to THINK
I've lost it and without my knowledge am really plotting to destroy the
world.
Figure THAT one out, will you?"

Apparently, dying does quite a lot of things to people, even those who survive
it.
 
Buffy the Vampire Slayer: (nods sagely)

 The reason she had such an ample supply was that Rei's father was one of
those
stuck-up businesspeople.  

(ding) Congratulations. For knowing that little manga trivia, you get the Manga
Geek prize of a solar-powered flashlight.

       "Nah," replied Rei.  "You're the comic relief.  We're just glad you're
not our
dead comic relief.  

Recently resurrected Robin No. 2/Jason Todd/Red Hood: Damn you, fans! And damn
you, Superboy Prime/Canon Sue of comics!

       "Yeah, well," Terra fidgeted while attempting to come up with an
appropriate
reply.  "Don't eat any plastic yen!"

       As the Irish girl walked out, the others looked at Ami, who had yet to
deliver
a proper fencing phrase.  She shrugged.  "I have no response to that."

Yeah, well, who does?

...BTW, this is a good example of the thing I was talking about, i.e. scenes
that feature senshi quirks more using Terra as a focal point. So... good, you
already have an idea.

Sailor Nuke:  Hey!  Violence gets you to where you can make demands.  Sailor
Nuke sez.  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Sailor Kawaii:  Looking cute gets you more willing friends.  Sailor Kawaii
says.
 Tee-hee!

And we're now back to the silliness. Whoever said we ever left it in the first
place? ^.^

There's a lot more snippage and less comments and critiques in this C&C this
time around (which kinda defeats the purpose of sending C&C, but meh). I guess
lots of snippage and less critiques is the sign of good writing... or lazy
C&Cing. :P If anything, I might as well have sent you a 'funi stori, rite
more!' email, but then again I don't work that way. If I have one
disappointment over the story, then it's the fact that it got cut off before
the interview itself. Oh well, there's always next chapter...

I'll skip the grammar rules thing this time around, because the prose was
virtually error-free save a few nitpicks of mine (e.g., the Title Case of the,
erhm, Title). Instead, let's get down to business and discuss the story itself.
I liked it. The reactions the senshi and the doctors had over Terra's rebirth
(care of Arby and Terra's own untapped potential, I reckon) was priceless, and
Kasumi's reserved, understated, but nonetheless powerful reaction was also of
humorous note as well. The jokes this time around were superb, and they did
indeed get quite the chuckle out of me. I hate to be cliche, but like fine
wine, your writing skills and your story output improve over time. 

So do keep on writing. Make use of whatever corrections (more like
'correction') that suit your fancy and ignore the rest, these are strictly my
opinion after all. I also apologize for any spelling and grammar mistake my C&C
has made. It'd be ironic for a correction to need a correction, but we're all
only human, after all. 

Instead of a bastard of a nitpicking editor, you've instead lured the reader in
me outside, letting him laugh out loud at every joke your fic spews out. Simply
put, I'm now just a mark waiting for the next installments of this fic. Very
good story, and very good presentation of your story. Though this isn't one of
the best stories in the FFML at present, this is certainly one of the better
ones that shouldn't be overlooked by those (none-too-rabid) NETTG fans in
general and also those who want to try something new and different for once.

I'll just end this C&C by saying that I skipped quite a lot of the story
because I have not much to say on the plot department. It's fine, and it did
what it was supposed to do in regards to forwarding the plot and churning out
hilarious gags. Can't wait for more.


Nakakamangha ang inyong abilidad sa panunulat,
Abdiel

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"English: A language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages, and
rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary."

"Japanese: Tried to do the same mugging technique that English did, with
disastrous results."

Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com 

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'