Subject: [FFML] Re: [FanFic][SM] NETTG - Terra in Tokyo Ch.7
From: "Benjamin A. Oliver" <benjamin.a.oliver@gmail.com>
Date: 12/21/2006, 11:06 PM
To: Abdiel , ffml@anifics.com

Choku(in a Santa suit):  Ohohohoho!  Meri Kuhrismasuu!  Da ne? :D

On 12/21/06, Abdiel <gabriel_gabdiel@yahoo.com> wrote:

<Snip Rant>

Yay rantage!  Wouldn't be proper if you didn't 'ave a noice rant.
Gotta rant the year out, y'see!  'Shroom toide rants!

Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave
it.

Well.... if I were writing TinT just for me, then I'd write it, not
run it through prereaders, send it all to the FFML or other sites,
then duck and cover and run away.

But I can't escape that I actually kind of care what people think, and
that's why I make changes based on comments that I receive.  At least,
inasmuch as I'm capable of making changes.  Some things might be so
fundamental that I might as well just write a whole new story... but
typically that isn't necessary.  It's a lot of little things that
determine whether a story is good or not.  The plot is largely
irrelevant as long as one is carried out with the proper descriptions
and flair.

Unless, of course, you're trying to teach a lesson, in which case
that'd be different then, wouldn't it?

Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.

<Insert Rant Example From Random Religion...> ^_^

And my current victim is... ;)

<Witty quip about victimization...> ;)

On 4/24/06, Benjamin A. Oliver <boliver@email.arizona.edu> wrote:
What to do with the story next?  Continue along, that's what.  It seems it
got a
bit dark in the last couple chapters.  Well, I said it would, kind of.  The
story thus far can be summarized as... girl joins miniskirted superheroine
group.  Girl loses miniskirted heroine group.  Girl reverses time and saves
miniskirted heroine group.

(shrugs) Y'know me. Nitpicker till the end. As such, suggest: miniskirted -->
mini-skirted

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.

I'll take that into consideration in future spellings of mini-skirted.
 I mean, I already implemented three- and four-period ellipses when
Brian Randall (or someone like that) told me about that ancient
grammatical secret.

Girl dies.  Or somesuch.

somesuch --> some such.

Grammar Rule #24: Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

Well... usage oftentimes overcomes rules, especially in dialogue
quotes.  Some spelling or phrase may very well be the most perfect way
to do it, but if everyone else does it a different way, can the first
method truly be called correct?

Conventions, y'see.  Traditions!

Who is more right; the one who's strutting about the streets using
Ebonics and gutter border Spanish, or the English teacher at a
prestigious British university?

...er, don't answer that. ^_^;

What happened, in even
shorter terms?

And then they all died...
But it was just a dream...

Nuke 'Em 'Till They Glow!!
Terra in Tokyo

---Chapter 7:  But the Dream Was Real!

O_o;;; I get the feeling that this is a Ping-Pong game, and I'm the ball...

Terra: You and me both, bud.

Gotta mess with your readers' heads.  Otherwise they'll never respect
ya!  Keep em guessing and such.

Besides, this story is mostly about messing with Terra's head.
Conflict = plot = pain = PARTY!!!  Rock on, dudes!

Oh yeah. Regarding your title...

Revise: But the Dream Was Real! --> But the Dream was Real!

Grammar Rule #72: In 'Title Case', Always Capitalize The First And Last Word In
A Title. Capitalize All The Other Words Except For A, An, The, And Conjunctions
And Prepositions Of Four Letters Or Fewer.

*nod*  Gotcha.  Fixed in my copy, and I will remember for future reference.

       "Aahh... ughhhh," Terra groaned as feeling eased back into her
battered body.
"Mom?  What happened?"  Her vision was blurred as she opened her eyes and
tried
to look around.  "Mom?  Are you there?"

       "No," said a woman's voice, "I'm Nurse Joy.  You're in the Intensive
Care Unit.
 Your friends said you took a nasty fall."

Heh. So she's a Pokemon. That actually makes a lot of sense...

Usagi(wearing jeans and a ballcap):  Terra-chan, I choose you!
(throws a Pokeball)

Though I admit I'm kind of disappointed that you ignored the opportunity for a
Marty McFly, "Mom? Mom, is that you?" running gag. :P

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm....  Implementation, do you have an implementation?

Lepardu(!): Du?  (?)   Mm... Implementing-du?  Need big fishy.  (he
drags a gigantic trout on scene):  Mmmm... DU!


	The girl drifted for a very long time through the dreamlike state of
her own personal paradise.  Everything was so bright and beautiful.
She finally comprehended the universe and was able to explain it with
one simple equation.  Birds were chirping, the sunlight shone
brightly, and everything made her feel all right.

	And then she woke up.

	"Aahh... ughhhh," Terra groaned as feeling eased back into her
battered body.  "Mom?  What happened?"  Her vision was blurred as she
fluttered her eyes and tried to look around.  "Mom?  Are you there?"

	"Hello," replied a woman's voice.

	"Aw, Mom, I had the weirdest dream.  I dreamt that I was fighting the
generals of a transdimensional kingdom of evil, then everyone died,
then I went back in time and saved them.  Then I died and went to
paradise."

	"It's okay now.  You're very much alive and safe, here in the
Intensive Care Unit."

	Terra's eyes snapped fully open.  "Intensive Care Unit!?"  She sat up
with a start and looked at the one she had been speaking to.  "Mom!
You're so, so... pink!"  She paused.  "Oh wait, you're not my mom.
Who are you?"

	"I'm Nurse Joy," replied the woman.  "Your friends said you took a nasty fall."

	"Uh, yeah, right," Terra replied with an uneasy laugh.  "A fall."
Well, it was true that she did fall a lot, like when she slammed at
near-supersonic speeds into a concrete wall.  "I think I bounced a few
times, too."

	Nurse Joy looked at the teen's chart.  "Hmm.  You must have.  The
doctors had to resuscitate you about a dozen times over the past two
days."

	"I really, really thought I was dead."

	"Oh, nonsense.  You can't die.  You're a Pokemon."

	Terra froze, her mouth hanging open at the statement.  "What?!"  Then
she looked in a mirror, saw a big yellow duck, and started screaming,
"PSY!  PSY!  PSY!"

	Then she woke up in a cold sweat, screaming at the top of her lungs.

---

	"GYAAAH!" Terra cried, struggling in her sheets.  "What a nightmare.
Ugh... Mom, are you there?"

	"Wot?"

	"Ugh, yeah, Mom, I dreamt that I was in the ICU with a nurse and had
been turned into a psychic Pokemon."

	The girl felt a weight on her chest.  "Roight, well, ya's quoite safe
now, 'ere wit'cha very own ArbyFish!"

	Terra's eyes shot open.  "ARBYFISH!?!" she shouted and leapt out of
bed and landed in a crouch upon the cold tile floor.
Hyperventilating, she looked around and took stock of her
circumstances.  Arby seemed to have disappeared.  He wasn't around,
much to her relief.  She checked under the bed just to be sure.  He
wasn't there.  With that completed, she turned her mind to other
concerns.

	Am I human?  Check.  Still got bad hair?  Check.

	Then the girl stopped.  As a testament to her lack of experience in
waking up in strange places, there really wasn't anything else on her
personal checklist, though she wondered what her obsession with hair
was all about.  It wasn't like she could do anything with it, anyway.
She looked back and saw that her hospital bed had a mirror behind it,
and discovered that she appeared very much like herself, if a bit more
frazzled than average.  The view, combined with the draft, let her
know that her hospital gown didn't have a back to it, so she climbed
into bed again and covered herself with the sheets.

	Terra found a remote control and switched on the TV.  All that it had
on was a few talk shows, plus old Pokemon and Kamen Rider reruns, so
she switched it off again.  Now, if they had Rayearth or one of those
hyper-painful game shows on, that would have been different.  Not that
she enjoyed pain and suffering as such, but she had lately found such
material rather cathartic.

	Things seemed so normal and natural to her, it took her about fifteen
minutes to realize what was wrong.  First of all, she was alive, but
most disconcerting was that she didn't seem to have any broken limbs.
That shattered arm of hers now seemed to be in perfect working order.
In fact, she felt great, apart from some sore muscles in her arms and
legs.

	How could that be?  An experience like hers should take years to
heal--if, indeed, she managed to recover at all.  She checked her body
to make sure she hadn't grown up any more.  Terra would hate to have
thought she just spent years and years in a coma.  But no, everything
seemed pretty much the same as she remembered it.  Her muscles were a
little firmer than she recalled, but apart from that, nothing had
changed.  That meant she'd only been out of it for a little while.
Days, probably.  At most, a month or two had gone by, but not very
likely, since her ability to walk and move around hadn't atrophied
any, near as she could tell.

	But that didn't explain how all her mortal injuries had just up and
vanished.  She'd heard rumors that Japanese doctors weren't that good,
due to apathy, culture, or something like that.  And while Japan might
have a few pretty awesome doctors, surely they couldn't work miracles
like this.  Perhaps one of her friends had some sort of mystic healing
power they hadn't previously disclosed.  It was possible, after all.
She'd barely known Ami, Makoto, and Rei for a couple of days before
the fight with Jadeite.

	While she considered the possibilities, she sat up and scratched the
mushroom-shaped mark on her neck.  It was itching.  Using the mirrors
behind her to examine it better, she thought it looked slightly bigger
than before.  "What in the world is this thing?"

	"Oh, it's a Mystical Maligned Mutatin' Monosyllabalistic Myxocytic
Cursed Mushroom Mark.  It's Infectious!"

	When she heard the voice, Terra realized that this was going to turn
into a very, very long and agonizing day.  "Arby...."

	The ArbyFish hopped up upon her raised knee and bowed slightly.
"G'day.  'Ello sez Oye to Yew ta Me and Yew back in return!"

	"Ah, hello."


And so on and so forth. ^_^

       "Uh, yeah, right," Terra replied blearily.  "A fall."  Well, it was
true that
she did fall a few times, like when she slammed at near supersonic speeds
into

Suggest: near-supersonic

Fixed in my copy.

       "Oh, nonsense.  You can't die.  You're a Pokemon."

Oh, that's right. She only 'fainted'.

That's right!  A pokemon just faints if beaten to within an inch of
its life, whether Pikachu took a final blow from an Evee or whether he
got impaled on a spear in the middle of an altar atop a dark horned
king's circle of sacrifice, sending his soul to be devoured by a
Cthulhian nightmare...

He just fainted!  Yeah, that's the ticket!

Put 'em in a Pokeball and recharge 'em in a Poke-charger-machine-thing
and he's good as new!

       But that didn't explain how all her mortal injuries had just up and
vanished.
She'd heard rumors that Japanese doctors weren't that good, due to apathy,
culture, or something like that.

Azrael (GaijinSmash.net): Rumors my kancho-proofed black ASS!

:D  Mwahahahah.

And while Japan might have a few pretty
awesome doctors, surely they couldn't work miracles like this.

Black Jack would disagree.

(Researches Black Jack, the miracle anime/manga surgeon)  Oh, cool,
didn't know about 'em.  ^_^

       The ArbyFish hopped up upon her raised knee and bowed slightly.
"G'day.  'Ello
sez I to You to Me and You back in return!"

Aw. No more 'Yew to Me and Yew'? I know there are people complaining about
Arby's dialogue (and I myself, more often than not, usually complain about fic
Ranma and his 'New York Accent' in prose), but I got so used to his 'yew' thing
and general silliness that it seems different to see Arby actually use, well,
correctly-spelled words in his dialogue.

Well, okay, now that I've gotten a request to tone up Arby's language,
I did that a bit, and will do so in the future when you note it could
be fixed some.

Whoever gives me the C&C determines what the story looks like.  Don't
give detailed helpful C&C?  Well, the story may not be to your liking,
then. ^^

Oh, you may THINK it's the other way around, but that's the way I tend
to operate. ^^

Then again, from seeing the later chapters, Arby apparently has the poetic
license to have lapses and variations of his accent and spelling, so... yeah.
He's practically Grammar Rule #0-proofed.

Arby(^_^):  'Course!

       The girl quickly identified it.  "Arby, this is a mushroom."

       "No, no, it's," Arby started to say, then stopped when he got a better
look at
it when Terra held it up.  "Oh, so it is."

Hehe.

Old gag, new twist.

       The door fell open and an unconscious, snoring nurse slipped onto the
floor.
She had red hair in large cutesy ringlets as well as a doll-like nurse outfit
like what one might expect in a kids' show targeted mainly at preadolescent
males without totally neglecting females due to the added marketing
possibilities.  Her photo-ID nametag read in kanji, "Joi."

Hey, now. That's just journalizing and making barely-hidden rants disguised as
fic. ^^

I was flailing for descriptive terms and it seemed the quickest way to
describe the nurse. ^_^

       Arby strikes again, it would appear.  Hmm, Veterinarian, Terra
thought.  She
sincerely hoped the woman's real name wasn't "Murray."

Well, that reference just went over my head. Whu?

Do a search in previous chapters for "murray."  Chapter 5 may have it.

       "Interview?" Terra asked.  Then she remembered the call they'd gotten
just
before she'd gone off to whack some Negamafoozles.  "Oh, right, that!  Yes,
yes, I still want to go.  Modeling, pop idol singing and all that stuff.

Suggest: Modeling, pop idol singing, and all that stuff. (when listing three or
more items, add commas after each item before the last item)

Okay, added in the comma.

       She had some casual outfits, but the only semi-formal things she had
were a
white Halloween princess dress, a green ballgown, and a bunch of sailor
school

Suggest: ball gown

I did some quick research on that and I agree.  Changed in my copy.

       "You come back from the dead and you're worried about a JOB
INTERVIEW?!"

Terra: Well, yeah. There's no time like the present and all that.

It fit, so I tacked it on.

	"Well, of course," Terra said.  "There's no time like the present and
all that.  I mean, you've got to have job interviews when you come
back from the dead.  How else would you pay for living costs if you
didn't?"  She shook her head at herself.  That sort of logic she'd
expect from Arby, not from her own mind.  Perhaps on some level the
creature was psychologically affecting her.  "So, can I come over to
see if you've got some sort of formal wear I can use for it?"

       What a bunch of pansies, her mind supplied.  Oh death, where is thy
sting?  Oh,
grave, where is thy victory?

Heh. It sounds like something S.L.K. would say, but it's funnier coming from
Terra('s kooky mind).

Perhaps there's a little more mental bleed-over at this point than before. :D

       "Glad to have you back, Terra," Makoto said.

       "We've had a lot to think about the last few days," added Ami.

If there was one nitpick I'd have of this fic, it's the fact that the rest of
the senshi, save Usagi and Rei occasionally, has been relegated to chiming in
from time to time (with dialogue in accordance to their personality) just so
the reader won't forget they're there. It's also of note that while all of your
characters are more or less consistently IC, I feel kind of disappointed that
Ami has IMO turned into the intelligent, deadpan princess a la Rei Ayanami.

Yeah, others have noted the flatness of the canon characters.  It's
either one of three things...

a) I was too lazy to put more Senshi characterization in.
b) I was strapped for space but still wanted to have everyone
participate in dialogue now and again.
c) I wanted to keep it simple and not have to worry about Usagi
gushing all the time about her precious "Mamo-chan" and forget about
random junk going on at the temple or Ami's grades and studying focus.

Nevertheless, if you have a line I can dump in, that would help,
especially if it's targetted. :D

I mean, I understand that this isn't really a normal SM fic, and scenes like
this:

Rei: Usagi, your room's a pigsty. I don't even know where the floor is.

Usagi: HEY! I'll have you know that I've junk-piled everything in my room in
correct order! The comic books and magazines are on the floor, the towel is on
the magazine rack, the Hello Kitty massager is on the towel rack, my ID is on
the hamper and my clothes are on the bed! See? Perfectly organized!

For example, I would paste this baby right in if the action were
taking place at Usagi's house. ^_^

...would steal 2x2 Chibi-Usa-den,

Now THERE's a funky mental image somebody should draw someday. ;)

er, Terra's thunder, but at the very least
use Terra as a focal point for each of the girl's personality quirks more. Not
too much, just more than what you've done so far in these previous chapters.

I've got some odds and ends in the future, but I felt I had to scrimp
on content in order to keep chapters small and keeping from diverting
the focus.  This chapter could easily be 200k of plain text long if I
let it.

Nevertheless, target a portion where a few words could be added, and
your wish is my command! ;)

       Terra nodded.  Proof, yes.  She needed proof that she was who she was.
 But if
it came to that, was she really sure that she was herself and not some sort
of
clone or robot programmed to think she was who she was?

That's another interesting plot point... but knowing what she really is, it's
just the random thought/gobbledygook of her mind.

Yup.  Still, it does make one think.  And think.  And go crazy...

http://despair.com/pressure.html

^_^

up in the hospital, good as new.  Maybe I'm a clone or something.  Maybe
somebody's got a huge fishtank full of me in their basement, ready to come
out
whenever I die.

Rei Ayanami: (after a long pause) ...I suggest you use 'fish tank' instead of
'fishtank'.

Rei Ayanami II(...):  ... I agree.

Changed in my copy.

       "That DOES sound a lot like me, doesn't it?" Terra said.  "But how do
I know if
I can trust myself?  If I'm some kind of secret robot assassin disguised as
me,
I'd really want to know."

Heh. What a secret. It's so well-hidden, even the person hiding it doesn't know
about it.

It's the best kind!

...well, it does get kind of annoying, like the new Boomer in
Battlestar Galactica.

       "Have I?" inquired Terra.  "Have I really?  Maybe I'm just programmed
to THINK
I've lost it and without my knowledge am really plotting to destroy the
world.
Figure THAT one out, will you?"

Apparently, dying does quite a lot of things to people, even those who survive
it.

It'd at least make ya crazy for a li'l bit. ^_^

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: (nods sagely)

Good example!

 The reason she had such an ample supply was that Rei's father was one of
those
stuck-up businesspeople.

(ding) Congratulations. For knowing that little manga trivia, you get the Manga
Geek prize of a solar-powered flashlight.

Whee!  (turns it on and bonks himself on the head)

       "Nah," replied Rei.  "You're the comic relief.  We're just glad you're
not our
dead comic relief.

Recently resurrected Robin No. 2/Jason Todd/Red Hood: Damn you, fans! And damn
you, Superboy Prime/Canon Sue of comics!

Mwahahahah. ^_^

       "Yeah, well," Terra fidgeted while attempting to come up with an
appropriate
reply.  "Don't eat any plastic yen!"

       As the Irish girl walked out, the others looked at Ami, who had yet to
deliver
a proper fencing phrase.  She shrugged.  "I have no response to that."

Yeah, well, who does?

Maybe the ArbyFish, but that's a bit different... :)

...BTW, this is a good example of the thing I was talking about, i.e. scenes
that feature senshi quirks more using Terra as a focal point. So... good, you
already have an idea.

I have an idea, though it can always be refined.

Sailor Nuke:  Hey!  Violence gets you to where you can make demands.  Sailor
Nuke sez.  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Sailor Kawaii:  Looking cute gets you more willing friends.  Sailor Kawaii
says.
 Tee-hee!

And we're now back to the silliness. Whoever said we ever left it in the first
place? ^.^

It's how I advance the plot, or something. ^^  Writing pure serious
for me leads to writer's block and depression.  And bad poetry and
hours of wallowing in darkness.

Maybe that's why it seems to help Esa when I write stuff.  Drags 'em
out of the darkness, kicking and screaming, into a laugh!

There's a lot more snippage and less comments and critiques in this C&C this
time around (which kinda defeats the purpose of sending C&C, but meh). I guess
lots of snippage and less critiques is the sign of good writing... or lazy
C&Cing. :P

I like to look on the bright side.  No news is good news.  It means
the rest was perfectly good! ;)

If anything, I might as well have sent you a 'funi stori, rite
more!' email, but then again I don't work that way.

I like detailed commentary.  It's just so rare nowadays since
everybody got highspeed Internet.  Don't have time to spend a couple
hours doing a line-by-liner on a 'fic anymore. ^^

If I have one
disappointment over the story, then it's the fact that it got cut off before
the interview itself. Oh well, there's always next chapter...

Yup!  And it came quickly afterward.

I'll skip the grammar rules thing this time around, because the prose was
virtually error-free save a few nitpicks of mine (e.g., the Title Case of the,
erhm, Title). Instead, let's get down to business and discuss the story itself.

Roight.

I liked it.

Already the story has achieved more than I felt it might, so I'm ahead. ^^

The reactions the senshi and the doctors had over Terra's rebirth
(care of Arby and Terra's own untapped potential, I reckon) was priceless, and
Kasumi's reserved, understated, but nonetheless powerful reaction was also of
humorous note as well.

Terra(death, angst, angsty scene)

Senshi(mourn, sad, reflect)

Terra(gets back up and brushes herself off):  Okay, I'm done.  Where
were we again?

Everyone(boggle)

Well, she sure ain't getting any more sympathy for dying ever again! ^_^

The jokes this time around were superb, and they did
indeed get quite the chuckle out of me. I hate to be cliche, but like fine
wine, your writing skills and your story output improve over time.

Everyone should get better with practice.  It's only natural that it
should be so.  The only reason why George Lucas has been faltering
lately is that he hasn't been practicing with bucketloads of films.

But by that token, Woody Allen should be an AWESOME director by now,
and he still seems to be pretty hit and miss.

So I guess there's no rhyme and reason to it.  I could be a great
writer one day, and be a total screw-up the next.  My girlfriend says
I have multiple personalities.  Ah well. ^_^;;

So do keep on writing.

Thanks a bunch!

Make use of whatever corrections (more like
'correction') that suit your fancy and ignore the rest, these are strictly my
opinion after all.

Your opinion is generally relevant technology.  You will be
assimila--I mean, heeded. ^^;

I also apologize for any spelling and grammar mistake my C&C
has made. It'd be ironic for a correction to need a correction, but we're all
only human, after all.

We're all only human.  Except for DB Sommer, who I think may be a
robot.  DB must really stand for Dynamic 'Bot!  Dynamic Bot Sommer and
his partner, Durandal "Brian" Randall the arms and technology expert.
They're an awesome team that fights against the hideous evil codenamed
"Writer's Block," a fiendish trio of mad scientists out to beat up
fanfic authors and steal their funk!

What was I talking about again?  Oh, right, corrections.  Well, if I
don't catch it and you don't catch it, somebody else will.  If nobody
catches it, then it won't matter at all! ;)

Instead of a bastard of a nitpicking editor, you've instead lured the reader in
me outside, letting him laugh out loud at every joke your fic spews out.

And isn't that what every story should aspire to?  If you like reading
it, what else matters?

Simply
put, I'm now just a mark waiting for the next installments of this fic. Very
good story, and very good presentation of your story.

Thanks a bunch!

Though this isn't one of
the best stories in the FFML at present, this is certainly one of the better
ones that shouldn't be overlooked by those (none-too-rabid) NETTG fans in
general and also those who want to try something new and different for once.

It is what it is.  I guess the Kung Pow reference still applies: it's
not everyone's thing.  But... it IS just the thing for a select group
of people.  I hope the 'fic finds that specific group of people. ^^

I'll just end this C&C by saying that I skipped quite a lot of the story
because I have not much to say on the plot department. It's fine, and it did
what it was supposed to do in regards to forwarding the plot and churning out
hilarious gags. Can't wait for more.

Right-o!  Thanks for reviewing!  I look forward to getting them.  By
the time you get to the last chapter reviewed, I may just proofread it
really well myself and release the next one if I can't get any proper
prereading done beforehand.  C&C reminds me that people are waiting
for more, and I have more, up till the end of the story.  Later bits
just need to be fixed up, really.


Nakakamangha ang inyong abilidad sa panunulat,
Abdiel

Melee Kaleeki Maka!  Y un nuevo a�o felicidad!

Thanks again!

-- Benjamin A Oliver benjamin.a.oliver@gmail.com Master of Science in Management Information Systems Eller College of Management University of Arizona Writings: Fan Fiction http://boliver.florestica.com/ Webcomic: Nuke 'Em 'Till They Glow!! The Early Years http://nettg.com .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----. | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com | | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com | | Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject | `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'