Subject: [FFML] Re: [C&C] Re: [fanfic] [Naruto] Pride of Suna, Chapters 2-3
From: "Legendary Legacy" <legendary_legacy20@hotmail.com>
Date: 12/13/2006, 4:35 AM
To: anowack@mimiru.net
CC: ffml@anifics.com


Legendary Legacy wrote:
It took a little longer than I wanted to get this sent out, but here's
chapters 2 and 3.

Or 1 and 2, as the case may be.  (Actually had me checking whether I had
missed a posting for a moment.)

You might have seen from my reply to Eternal Lost Lurker, but I mistook my 
prologue for chapter 1 when I sent it out, hence the numbers error.


Also, I'm not sure what people on the FFML normally do when conveying
character thoughts since bold and italics don't seem to work, so I hope
there isn't any confusion with that.

There're two main schools of thought on that.  I try to write so that
it's abundantly clear whether a line is spoken aloud or merely thought
without any special notation.  The other way is to use something like
/.../, _..._, or *...* to denote special kinds of speech.  Either way is
perfectly acceptable.

Right, I'll keep those in mind for my next part.


"Team Seven," Iruka continued. "Uchiha Sasuke...Haruno Sakura-"

"YATTA!" Sakura cried victoriously while several other girls groaned in
despair.

Iruka frowned at the sudden outbursts and continued. "And Nara 
Shikamaru."

Well, I suppose Shikamaru would be last in the class with Naruto gone.
Though, I always figured that the old InoShikaChou played politics to
get their kids together rather than them just happening to have exactly
the right scores to wind up that way.

Having Shikarmaru being the lowest paired with the highest (Sasuke) was my 
reasoning, as well.  The OC that I put with Ino and Chouji probably could 
have been put on Team 7 instead, but I'd rather keep more focus on the main 
characters instead.


Actually, I'm kind of surprised the Hokage (or Iruka) didn't insist on
assigning the teams with a spot for Naruto.

You mean like making one team with only two genins on the chance that Naruto 
came back later?  If so, I guess I hadn't even considered that.


He felt like such an idiot. It had been four and a half days since he'd 
fled
from Konoha. Since then, he'd traveled aimlessly, not sleeping, not 
eating,
not even paying attention to where he was going.
He never stopped to think about it, but now that he was stranded deep in 
the
heart of this desert, he couldn't understand just how he had managed to
travel so far and so fast without much of a problem. There was a couple
times where he'd felt himself blacking out, but when he came back around 
to
consciousness he'd notice that he was still running, like he'd been on
auto-pilot.

Looks like a missing blank line between to paragraphs here.

For this and all the other spacing errors you pointed out...when I 
copy/pasted the text from my word document to the email it messed up my 
formatting for some reason.  I thought I had them all fixed, but apparently 
there were quite a few that I missed.  Thanks for finding them.


Also, I believe it should be "There were a couple..."

Also also, "He had never stopped to think about it," at the start of the
paragraph.

I'll fix those as well.  Thanks again.


Since that night, the Kyubi hadn't spoken to him again, though it was 
sure
that Naruto still had it on his mind. Several times the Kyubi could feel 
the
boy reaching his limits, and would pump a little more of its own chakra 
into
his body and allow him to keep going. It felt odd to be constantly 
helping
the boy like that, but if it got him further away from Konoha and the
Hokage, he could spare it.

The comma after limits isn't needed.  Probably should be "Several times
the Kyubi had felt the boy...and had pumped a little...to allow him..."

Thanks, that is better.

Then the boy's eyes opened, and Temari got a good look at just how deep 
and
blue they were. The boy had nice eyes, she decided.

"I see...an angel," he whispered faintly, a small goofy grin appearing 
on
his face.

Gah.  Star Wars prequel flashbacks.

Strangely enough, I've never seen a single Star Wars movie from beginning to 
end before.


The woman glanced around the room as though she were afraid to continue,
then spoke in a lowered voice. "While cooling the boy's body, we 
discovered
unusual markings on his stomach. It's not like anything that any one of 
us
had ever seen, so there's no telling what it really is."

Ordinarily in canon, the seal is only visible when Naruto is molding
chakra, IIRC.  Intentional that it's permanently visible?

Nope, I just forgot about that being the case. ^_^;  I'll have to look back 
through my books and see if that's really the way it works.


"And since you're still a ninja-in-training, perhaps we can work things 
out
with the Kazekage to let you take our genin tests once you recover. 
We've
been running a little low-"

...that's a little surprising, to bring that up so quickly even if their
numbers are low.  They don't really know anything about Naruto at this
point.

There is a bit more explaination for this in the next chapter, but I'll 
think over a few ways of making it more believable.


Hmm.  Overall, not bad.  My one complaint would be that it just seems
like Naruto is being set up to become a Suna ninja because it needs to
happen for the story to happen, rather than because it makes sense for
it to happen.  Even if Suna assumes Naruto's telling the truth, then
he's an exile from an allied village - hardly a trustworthy resume, and
at this point they have no real reason to take a risk on him.  (Unless
and until they find out about the Kyubi, anyway...)

Well like I said, there's a bit more explaination coming up in future 
chapters.  Of course, for the readers who have no idea what those 
explainations are yet, I could see it not making much sense.  Hopefully when 
I release the next part, the reasons behind it will make things a bit more 
acceptable.  And if not, then I'll just have to go back and make some 
adjustments.

I'd suggest not bringing it up at all at this stage, but perhaps have
Naruto naively ask about it once he's more comfortable in Suna.  That
seems a much more natural way to raise the subject than just having Baki
bring it up out of the blue.  It'll still be tough to make it plausible
for Suna to accept Naruto without them discovering the Kyubi, but that's
another issue.

I'll keep this in mind for those possible adjustments that might have to be 
made.


*shrug* Just my thoughts; use or ignore as you see fit.  Hopefully I
said something useful.

Thank you again for the review.  It was, indeed, quite helpful.  I 
appreciate it.

LL

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