Subject: [FFML] Re: [C&C] Re: [Fanfic][Naruto] Suiren, Chapter 9: Breath...
From: eimii
Date: 12/13/2006, 11:05 AM
To: Aaron Nowack <anowack@mimiru.net>, Eimii <eimii@bresnan.net>
CC: ffml@anifics.com

Huzzah! 
Jumping to the head of my too-large, too-stagnant C&C queue... 

My dusty C&C queue is relatively short, because i don't get a chance to read much >_<;...

Violence Warning: There are fights in this chapter! More importantly,
Anko is in the general vicinity of one of these fights; you should
probably realize what that means, by now. You have been warned!

Glee! 

Someone is always pleased by the violence ^_^;...


Harsh Language Warning: Haha! This is the first new warning i've had to
write since these revisions began, because, for the first time _ever_,
i've uncensored all of the '#$)(&' things that everyone seems to
hate...

Eh, I don't hate them; they're just a good target for gentle mockery.
Honestly, they were part of the charm, and I'm a little sad to see them
go. 
But go with whatever you like! 

Eh; i'm kinda ambivalent. I guess i like it either way, but i'm just not that creative when it comes to profanities...


...So yeah, on that note, i should mention that i've made several other
_major_ changes to this chapter since i posted it on fanfiction.net.
This version combines the last three parts of "Breath" in the original
numbering scheme, parts 3, 4 and 5, and incorporates several
adjustments and revisions. Many of these changes are unexpected
ripple-effects of the changes that were introduced in "Green" (much to
my chagrin -_-;), while others were introduced to ease the transitions
between sections and make the story flow better- and then, of course,
there are a few that i made just because i felt like it. In one case, i
tried to make a certain technique more 'thematically approprate' to its
creator...

Sounds like fun!  Let's get this show on the road! 
Oh, and "appropriate". 

The opening notes are the only part i didn't spellcheck, really! ^_^;...


"You left your forgotten subordinate in quite a bind, you know," he
continued, countering the attacks of the two hostiles with effortless
ease as he lectured the gray-haired shinobi. "They say a maiden's heart
burns like a beacon for the man she loves, but a kunochi is a warrior
as well as a woman. Even if those boys shine brighter, that is no
excuse for letting Sakura-chan's flame go untended."

It is probably worth mentioning that your Gai cracks me up.  :) 

That's good to know. It's a pity i don't get to use him more often; he's fun to write...


"Hah!" Fading into view behind Gai's opponents just as the first one
fell, Anko reached around and grabbed the remaining sound nin under the
chin, spinning him like a top as she ripped out his throat. "I think
I'm more worried about the way the she keeps sticking her hand in the
fire!" she quipped, leering like a maniac and licking the blood from
her fingers.

...I do believe that's the "thematically appropriate" change. 
Fun! 

Naaah; this part i changed because it was just too unclear before... Though i guess i did want to establish how anko fights a bit better. Her character book 'statistics' say she should be a 'genjutsu type,' and she's in the so-called 'assassination squad,' so she should be at least a little sneaky, but we never saw her fight that way in canon- so heres a little glimpse of how my version of Anko fights. If you wanna see more, watch Sakura ^_~...

Also, "remaining Sound nin" 

Ugh...

She was forced to shout her next question over screams of pain, as a
sound ninja with her needles sticking out of his eye sockets stumbled
past them and fell through the hole Gai had punched in the wall.
"Y'mind telling me what the hell you're doing, sending my clone off on
some errand in the middle of a battle?"

Again with the capitalization of Sound nin.  If the lower-case is what you
intend, there's a capitalized "Sound nins" in one of the first paragraphs
that should be changed instead. 
Won't comment on those further if there are any more; I'm sure you can
find and deal with them as you see fit. 

It should be 'Sound' with a capital; i'm just not very good at catching those things -_-;...


*Shit, we've gotta be getting close to Sasuke by now! It's now or
never!* 
Trying not to fall out of the canopy as she split her focus, Sakura
strung together the seals to form a single, slightly unusual bunshin.
Thanks to her genjutsu, she was reasonably sure the team of Hidden
Sound nins she was shadowing hadn't noticed her, but one of them was
bound to sense her hostile intent sooner or later.

Given the situation, it might be good to include some clue as to _which_
Sakura we're dealing with here, the real one or Anko's clone. 

Hmm... well, i'd intended Gai's last question to be sort of an arrow pointing in the right direction...


To keep her mind clear in the moments it took to catch up, Sakura
concentrated on adjusting the weapons she had hidden in her kimono. The
ones she'd be counting on the most were a tad slippery, but she didn't
have time to worry about it now. Clamping down on her pre-fight jitters
until they rattled around like knife-edged dice in her stomach, Sakura
threw herself into the fray.

Well, I guess the "kimono" does it, but it _is_ a little subtle. 

Hmm... i shall think on it.


This frank observation gave team seven's kunoichi a moment of pause.
"And if I am?" she ventured warily.

Capitalize "team seven"? 

...O_o;. I'm sure i had capitalized that at some point...

Moving away from the group, Sakura changed directions as soon as she was
out of sight; she wasn't getting any closer to that monster than she
had to. *What he hell is with that, anyway?* She'd have to review her
clone's memories carefully once they returned to her.

One has to wonder whether Anko gets the memories too... 

That's an interesting question; it might also have an interesting answer...


At first nothing seemed to happen, but then she felt a presence nearby.
Looking up, she saw her doppelganger land on a branch a few yards away.
Crumbling where she fell, the pink-haired girl clutched the tree
beneath her and started trembling like a leaf. 
"Hey!" Sakura called softly, waving to the clone. "Are you okay? What's
wr-"

So I guess the clone didn't get caught by Gaara this time... 

After some consideration, i decided that this version of Sakura might actually be able to avoid the canon Sakura's fate- so yes, she didn't get caught, but given that she doesn't have many attacks that are effective through the Armor of Sand, she wasn't able to do a lot to help, either...


"...uuuuaaaAAAAGGH!" Emitting a barely human scream of agony, the
bunshin tensed up like she was having a seizure and then suddenly
_exploded_ into a fountain of steaming red blood and black serpentine
forms.

....ah.  So _that's_ the "thematically appropriate" change.  Nasty. 

Ayup. That's the one ^_^;...


She nearly wet herself as the pain came- agony beyond imagining, like
her insides were tearing themselves apart and trying to escape.
Reaching a terrible crescendo with her 'death,' the torture only
intensified as her perception then seemed to shatter into a million
pieces like a broken funhouse mirror. 
The pain and confusion multiplied horribly as she realized she was
seeing through the eyes of the snakes. Hunger and bloodlust filled her,
driving her to kill and be killed over and over again, consuming her
own flesh in a mad, suicidal frenzy.

It's kind of a shame that we don't get to see what would happen if Gaara
ran into the snakes.  Could be interesting. 

I'd considered that path; given Naruto's state when the real Sakura found him, the clone Sakura was probably sneaking up on the ever-so-exposed Gaara right at that moment. When she noticed that Naruto had vanished, she abandoned her assassination attempt to investigate, which led to her finding the real Sakura. 

If Sakura had 'activated' the clone when she was still near Gaara, the possibility of at least a few snakes managing to bite him before they were destroyed was rather O_o;... unless, of course, he still had the Armor of Sand on. That point is a little unclear. I'm not sure what would've happened to the story if Sakura accidentally managed to kill or incapacitate Gaara. Given what happened to this chapter just because Sakura is now wearing a _mask_, the reactive revision potential is chilling to contemplate...

Also, sheesh.  Like your Sakura didn't have enough psychological troubles
already.  Even setting aside the obvious issues with getting those
memories, she's going to have a hell of a guilt trip... 

Hmm... yes and no, i guess. Sakura is in a strange situation, because she treats her clones and copies like real people, unlike everyone else who uses similar techniques, but those replicas still become part of her when the techniques end- and in a demonstrably visceral fashion. What would you even call it of she were having a guilt trip about hurting _herself_ O_o;?

(There are also some really _nasty_ explanations one could use for why the
clone came up to Sakura before its destruction, if one was going to go
that way...) 

Ouch! I'm not sure how Sakura would deal with something like _that_; talk about being messed up... 


Quickly slipping beneath this unrelenting stream of torment, Sakura
barely noticed when deep shadow fell upon her, but in the moments
before the unconsciousness finally claimed her, she looked up to see a
great, sandy claw descending, and then she saw no more... 

-     S     U     I     R     E     N     - 



To be continued...?

This would be a much nastier cliff-hanger if I didn't already know that
the story wasn't over.  :) 

Indeed; this would be a terrible place to end the story, anyway >_<;...

Overall, I liked the changes.  Anko's clone technique now has _no_
problems with feeling like a forbidden technique. 

With the new effects, i tried to give it several different possible uses, if one were 'creative' enough, and few of them are even remotely pleasant...

No complaints; exhortation to keep up the good work and
"zomgudpateplzkthxbye" goes HERE. 

Thanks! Next comes 'Release,' which hopefully won't take as long; fewer things to break in that chapter...

~Eimii

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