Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma/Marvel] Avenging Act III Chapter 3
From: DB Sommer
Date: 12/4/2006, 9:46 PM
To: Abdiel , ffml@anifics.com

% Yay! Always look forward to hearing from you:

% BTW, due to underestimating the size of Act 3 and underestimating the 
size of Act 4, things will be changed slightly. Going backward, Act 3 is 
now known as 'The Animal Farm' while Act 4's title will be something 
else, probably using Hate in the title somewhere.

Abdiel wrote:

Here's a little breather for me after C&Cing all those chapters of 'Terra in
Tokyo'... 
 


% Quite the fic, it is.


Ah, yet another victim that also pastes quite a lot in his intros... ^_^
 


% Lot of backstory to this one, though.

On 9/29/06, DB Sommer <sommert@connecttime.net> wrote:
 

Only revised this once so there's bound to be some mistakes. Despite
that please enjoy
   


(shrugs) please enjoy --> please enjoy. (missing period)

Now that we're up to speed on what sort of obsessive-compulsive C&Cing you'll
be getting...
 


% was done solely for the list and added, so it wasn't in the 'saved' 
copy i Had

<<long intro snip>>

 

Standard disclaimer: I don�t own any of the Marvel characters or other
characters from the numerous animes which are within.
   


Hmmm. Still opting for 'animes', huh?
 


% People will get the gist, I think

 

Megumi Ayukawa listened carefully to her drunken �boyfriend� Ichiro
Nikaido. 
   


Oh, I see. This confusion roots from the fact that Ichiro Nikaido, like his
brother Benimaru Nikaido, is very... shall we say, 'androgynous'? :P
 


% Heh

 

Normally he was close-mouthed, but get a few drinks in him and he
started to ramble like no one�s business. And once she had won his
confidence nothing was held back. 
   


Suggest: And once she had won his confidence, nothing was held back.

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words however should be enclosed in commas.
 


% Right. Used most of the grammar recommendations.

 

trials. She shuddered to think of how many animals were being
slaughtered by the hour in the blood soaked labs of the company.
   


blood soaked labs  --> blood-soaked lab
 

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.
 


% And now changed to the more melodramatic 'blood-drenched'

 

Man Beast strode through the halls of the ALF�s latest temporary secret
headquarters. The old building was a bit run down with numerous
problems, but it meant nothing to him. 
   


Actually, that description about the old building is a good checklist for the
'perfect temporary secret headquarters' for the Evil Overlord on the go.
 


% Well, Manny isn't much for the trappings of power, only in that it is 
useful as a tool.

 

What Man Beast really wanted to further his agenda were super-powered
beings to rally to his cause. They would cause true destruction mere
normal humans could never hope to match. 
   


(sighs wistfully) This is only really believable in comic books and fanfics; in
real life, you don't need Super Powers to cause true horror and destruction.
 


% But it helps. Unless it's a sucky superpower, like having four arms, 
controlling squirrels, or having wings sprouting from your back.


But his few his SPB resources
 

were pitiful, and the capture of the Ouran group, incompetent though
   


But his few his SPB resources --> But his few SPB resources

I'm guessing that this is one of the obvious brain-fart errors you were talking
about above.
 


% Yes, and there were many

 

Man Beast was considering the best way to go about it when Shinjiro
approached him. Animal senses far more acute than any human�s, Man Beast
could see the worry in his step, the concern in his scent. It wasn�t
panic, but it was something hat had upset him.
   



 

Shinjiro shifted nervously from foot to foot. �Yes, well, I think we
underestimated just how unpopular the policy is. I added up the numbers,
and nearly forty percent of the membership has quite outright, while
   


Has quite outright what? That there seems to be a dangling clause, it is.
 


should have been 'quit'

 


 

what a real anchorman can do by getting the scoop,� Toji Yamamoto
grumbled to himself as the news van he was in drove at a reckless speed
toward the coastline.
   


Hmmm. And here's that guy again. Perhaps he's _not_ a throwaway,
for-scene-transition-purposes-only character as I first thought!

EDIT: (after reading chapter 4) I was wrong.
 


% Well, yes and know. He'll be a recurring character, but not a major one.

 



That would teach the frigid bitch to mind her place. And to
 

refuse to sleep with him.
   


Heh. This subplot is akin to the movie that an inebriated teenager claimed to
have rented at Blockbuster: Ron Burgundy, Tokyo Drift.
 


% Heh

 

�It�ll put everyone to sleep! This is a sexy story. �Insect Invasion
Sweeps Japan! Newsman Toji Yamamoto First on the Scene to Break the
Story. Then Wins Pulitzer Prize!� Now that�s a headline!� He thanked god
for the source in the JSDF that had tipped him off to the bizarre
phenomenon and where it was projected to make landfall.
   


United Nations: You know, somebody should really tell the Japan Self Defense
Force just how ungrammatical their group's name is. Either that, or have the
Japanese government establish a Japan 'Defense of Others' Force.
 


% And somewhere, someone suddenly feels inspired by your comment.

 


 

She impacted with the nearly naked skeleton, shattering it into hundreds
of pieces. As the shattered bones fell into the ocean, the miles long
   


Ditto.

Hmmm. I seem to notice that, nowadays, there are more 'temp'
villains-of-the-chapter types of antagonists with nary a back-story or impact
to the heroes popping up everywhere in Avenging


% Actually Swarm was asked to come to Japan by the Man Beast (insect 
villains qualify as animal oriented in Manny's mind), who is 'the one' 
Swarm mentions. I didn't make this clear, so I'll have Manny think about 
Swarm's arrival in the previous scene. So this guy does figure into the 
plot here.



chemicals, even if her degrees were all in mechanical engineering and
its related fields. But she had always a dream she had told no one.
Before she died, she wanted to be known for curing some sort of disease.
   


(eyebrow raised) Riiight. Suddenly, Kodachi Kuno's Florence Nightingale.


% Not really. She's broadenign her desires list. Not that she's giving 
up weapons manufacturing.




 

was a complete loser, low even on Daredevil�s rogue�s gallery of villains.
   


Suggest: rogue's --> rogues
 


rogues' I think. There's more than one in the gallery.


 

The remainder of the group took on a more serious air. �Crap, she�s
still kicking,� Cat Man swore.
   


'Crap', eh? Gee, I didn't realize the CCA Code of censorship was so
far-reaching it even includes fanfic/comic crossovers.

Ryoga: Ranma has driven me to HECK!
 


% Heh. Nah. Some people say crap instead of shit is all

 


 

Iron Rose threw Frog Man like a fastball at Cat Man. 
   


Beavis and Butthead: FROG BASEBALL! (hits the hurtling Frog Man with a baseball
bat)
 


% Ha! Hadn't thought of that one. Good things the villain version of 
Shonen Bat isn't here.

 

�And your name is Wolf Guy? Flea Bag? Doggie Bomb?� Iron Rose asked.

He stared at her emotionlessly. �Man Beast.�

�Well, Man Beast. What is it you can do? Piddle on my leg to make me rust?�

�Oh, I think I can come up with something.�

And Man Beast smiled.
   


Like I said before, I like Man Beast as _the_ current antagonist for the
Avengers. He indeed has style.
 


% Thanks.

EDIT: Too bad he was more of an 'antagonist of the arc' type, but he died a
natural villain death and I was not dissatisfied with the kind of impact he has
presented to the group. More on this on the next C&C.
 


% Now, now. Have you seen a body? And if you do, are you sure it wasn't 
a clone or someone surgically altered to look like the bad guy. For that 
matter, was the bad guy capable of moving his mind into a another person?

% Of course he might be dead as well. Who knows?


 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

A ring of police cars had just started to form outside the building when
Iron Rose�s limp form shot through a wall and outside the building. Her
trajectory continued unimpeded as she struck a building across the
street and shattered a number of walls there before ending up in the
middle of it. She didn�t emerge from the wreckage.

The policemen stared at the holes in the two buildings.

One officer looked at another. �I think we�d better wait for backup.�

His partner nodded his head.
   


Heh.
 


% Good survival instincts, he has.

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

[End Chapter]

Sorry for the short nature of this chapter, but this felt like a good
place to end it, 
   


I like 'em short and sweet.


% I originally wanted them about this size, but things don't always turn 
out the way we want.




As for the story so far: Well now. Things are certainly picking up. I'm usually
much more verbose when it comes to plot point summaries and reviews, but seeing
that this is a cliffhanger type of chapter, I'll just stand back and wait for
more, if you don't mind. Certainly happy that the suave, enigmatic, and savage
Man Beast has come forward to the fray, so... yeah. Keep on writing, dude. 
 


% Well, as you might have guessed from the ending with Overrider, the 
Phantom Cats are about to make the scene, as was foreshadowed as far 
back as the Ryouga chapter in Act 2. Hopefully things will continue 
moving forward at a fast enough clip as the story arcs build on one 
another.

% Thanks again for all the help. it's really appreciated.

DB Sommer




 



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