Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma/Marvel] Avenging Act III Chapter 3
From: Abdiel
Date: 12/3/2006, 11:02 AM
To: DB Sommer

Here's a little breather for me after C&Cing all those chapters of 'Terra in
Tokyo'... 

Standard Disclaimer: I'd just like to remind you before we begin that I am not
God. At least not the Judeo-Christian God, as conventionally interpreted.
Specifically, I am not omniscient. I may question something that happens in
your story which is, in fact, Actual Series Canon. I have precious little
experience with many 'Actual Series' events, and a lot of my perceptions are an
agglomeration of years of fanfics, numerous anime/cartoons/TV
shows/movies/books of both old and new, and assorted other tidbits.

Further, I am not omnipresent. I will say things shaped by my experiences;
other people more than likely have different experiences. If you've got five
thousand responses saying your story is the greatest thing since sliced bread
and I (pardon the pun) pan it, that's not indicative of any greater knowledge
on my part, merely a different perception/expectation/what have you.
Alternately, if I pan a story, that doesn't preclude the possibility that other
people reading it later will think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread,
so to all you readers reading this: Don't let me stop you.

It also occurs to me that my non-godly lexicon may not be at par with yours, so
any unfamiliar word I ask about isn't necessarily a correction but just general
ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a certain Thomas Michael Edwards). As
such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the patience to clear up some of my
questions on those particular instances. Thanks.

Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave
it.

Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.

Ah, yet another victim that also pastes quite a lot in his intros... ^_^

On 9/29/06, DB Sommer <sommert@connecttime.net> wrote:
Only revised this once so there's bound to be some mistakes. Despite
that please enjoy

(shrugs) please enjoy --> please enjoy. (missing period)

Now that we're up to speed on what sort of obsessive-compulsive C&Cing you'll
be getting...

<<long intro snip>>

Standard disclaimer: I don�t own any of the Marvel characters or other
characters from the numerous animes which are within.

Hmmm. Still opting for 'animes', huh?

Megumi Ayukawa listened carefully to her drunken �boyfriend� Ichiro
Nikaido. 

Oh, I see. This confusion roots from the fact that Ichiro Nikaido, like his
brother Benimaru Nikaido, is very... shall we say, 'androgynous'? :P

Normally he was close-mouthed, but get a few drinks in him and he
started to ramble like no one�s business. And once she had won his
confidence nothing was held back. 

Suggest: And once she had won his confidence, nothing was held back.

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words however should be enclosed in commas.

trials. She shuddered to think of how many animals were being
slaughtered by the hour in the blood soaked labs of the company.

blood soaked labs  --> blood-soaked labs

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.

Man Beast strode through the halls of the ALF�s latest temporary secret
headquarters. The old building was a bit run down with numerous
problems, but it meant nothing to him. 

Actually, that description about the old building is a good checklist for the
'perfect temporary secret headquarters' for the Evil Overlord on the go.

What Man Beast really wanted to further his agenda were super-powered
beings to rally to his cause. They would cause true destruction mere
normal humans could never hope to match. 

(sighs wistfully) This is only really believable in comic books and fanfics; in
real life, you don't need Super Powers to cause true horror and destruction.

But his few his SPB resources
were pitiful, and the capture of the Ouran group, incompetent though

But his few his SPB resources --> But his few SPB resources

I'm guessing that this is one of the obvious brain-fart errors you were talking
about above.

Man Beast was considering the best way to go about it when Shinjiro
approached him. Animal senses far more acute than any human�s, Man Beast
could see the worry in his step, the concern in his scent. It wasn�t
panic, but it was something hat had upset him.

hat --> that

That would be easy enough to deal with. Once Shinjiro arrived at his
side, Man Beast spoke in a soft, yet powerful voice that hinted at

Hmmm. I don't think you need the comma after 'soft'.

Shinjiro shifted nervously from foot to foot. �Yes, well, I think we
underestimated just how unpopular the policy is. I added up the numbers,
and nearly forty percent of the membership has quite outright, while

Has quite outright what? That there seems to be a dangling clause, it is.

�Bah,� Man Beast snarled. �Those are the lowest form of human. They talk
a good game, but when push comes to shove, they run off with their tails
between their legs, of they had the decency to have tails. At least our

Hmmm. By 'of they had the decency', did you mean 'if they had the decency' or
am I merely misreading a perfectly good sentence?

Man Beast opened the folder up and read the contents. A smile crossed
his snout, a toothy thing that disrupted even Shinjiro�s delight. Man
Beast took no note he read the words and the implications they presented.

Man Beast took no note he read --> Man Beast took no note as he read (add 'as')

Even though you've already proofread superbly in the past, I can't help but
note...

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

�Damned bitch, always one upping me. Well, not this time. I�ll show her

Suggest: one-upping

what a real anchorman can do by getting the scoop,� Toji Yamamoto
grumbled to himself as the news van he was in drove at a reckless speed
toward the coastline.

Hmmm. And here's that guy again. Perhaps he's _not_ a throwaway,
for-scene-transition-purposes-only character as I first thought!

EDIT: (after reading chapter 4) I was wrong.

Toji turned on him in fury. �That bitch Akemi is always getting the
scoop with her �super hero exclusives.� Well, I�m getting one up on her.

(shrugs) Suggest: 'superhero exclusives.'

You watch, not only will I prove I�m the number one newsman in all of

Suggest: Just you watch, not only will I prove that I'm the number one (add
'that')

Japan, but that she�s so inferior, she�ll be busted back down to cub
reporter.�

Hmmm. IMO, awkward phrasing on the latter half of the sentence; it's like two
different thoughts colliding together. I'm guessing it's the awful segue from
'not only will I prove this, but (I'll prove) that she's so inferior' to the
hastily pasted consequence of 'busted back down to cub reporter' without so
much as a transition marker or verbal to make the main idea of the sentence
coherent and unified. 

Suggest: but I'll also prove to everyone that she's so inferior that she'll be
busted back to cub reporter.'  

That would teach the frigid bitch to mind her place. And to
refuse to sleep with him.

Heh. This subplot is akin to the movie that an inebriated teenager claimed to
have rented at Blockbuster: Ron Burgundy, Tokyo Drift.

�It�ll put everyone to sleep! This is a sexy story. �Insect Invasion
Sweeps Japan! Newsman Toji Yamamoto First on the Scene to Break the
Story. Then Wins Pulitzer Prize!� Now that�s a headline!� He thanked god
for the source in the JSDF that had tipped him off to the bizarre
phenomenon and where it was projected to make landfall.

United Nations: You know, somebody should really tell the Japan Self Defense
Force just how ungrammatical their group's name is. Either that, or have the
Japanese government establish a Japan 'Defense of Others' Force.

became obvious that the number of bees was steadily increasing. The air
became thick with the flying insects as the swarm drew closer to shore,
revealing a miles long cloud of the insects.

Suggest: a miles long --> a miles-long

She impacted with the nearly naked skeleton, shattering it into hundreds
of pieces. As the shattered bones fell into the ocean, the miles long

Ditto.

Hmmm. I seem to notice that, nowadays, there are more 'temp'
villains-of-the-chapter types of antagonists with nary a back-story or impact
to the heroes popping up everywhere in Avenging. I... guess it can't be avoided
having incidental, throwaway antagonists, but from my end, I am getting a bit
itchy on reading about more, erhm, _significant_ villains.

chemicals, even if her degrees were all in mechanical engineering and
its related fields. But she had always a dream she had told no one.
Before she died, she wanted to be known for curing some sort of disease.

(eyebrow raised) Riiight. Suddenly, Kodachi Kuno's Florence Nightingale. Boy,
that Tony Stark sure had a lot of righteous goodness in his alter ego Iron Man
to make that turn-around of the fusion character 'Iron Rose' possible.

petty power games. Unless they got on her bad side, of course. Then all
bet were off. They could ask Asuka Saginomiya if they wanted proof.

Hem, hem.

Revise: Then all bet were off --> Then all bets were off

current form, which is why we buried it in our most secure labs, but
we�re certain that given enough time we can produce a weapon viable strain.�

weapon-viable strain."

Man Beast allowed himself to be surrounded by his Ani Men and Overrrider
as a sort of honor guard as he walked through the headquarters of
Kobiyashi 

Kobiyashi --> Kobayashi

Man Beast said to Overrider. �Go to the computers and complete your

(shrugs) Unless I'm mistaken, suggest: Man Beast said to Overrider. --> Man
Beast said to Overrider,

If I am mistaken, I'm all ears as to why.

mission.� To the rest of his Ani Men he bellowed, �Kill her!�

Suggest: Ani Men, he bellowed, 

Behind her faceplate, Iron Rose rolled her eyes. A Leap Frog wannabe?
What is it about that villain that made other want to emulate him? He

made other --> made others

was a complete loser, low even on Daredevil�s rogue�s gallery of villains.

Suggest: rogue's --> rogues

The iron-clad Avenger was content to allow him to bounce off her,
probably hurting himself in the process. Then she would launch her
counterattack.

But Iron Rose discovered that the best laid of plans did not always work
out the way one counted, especially when one thought her foes were
simply costumed individuals rather than genuine animal men.

Hmmm. I get the feeling that at this point you're already, shall we say,
belaboring the point. Suggest: cutting down on the meandering thoughts and cut
to the chase on what happened to Iron Rose after she underestimated the Frog
Man.

Her flight was abruptly stopped as Cat Man snagged her out of mid-air

mid-air --> midair (dictionary-verifiable word, no need for the hyphen)

She wasn�t given a chance as she found herself grabbed under the arms
and lifted up into the air before she could fire. She looked and saw two
people with wings, one similar to a bird while the other resembled an
insect woman, were carrying her in mid-air. 

Ditto.

Before she had a chance to
shrug them off they made sudden twists in flight that could only be

Suggest: shrug them off they --> shrug them off, they
 
�I�ll take care of her,� Dragonfly�s pale, pupiless 

Revise: pupiless --> pupil-less (no, not 'pupilless')

The remainder of the group took on a more serious air. �Crap, she�s
still kicking,� Cat Man swore.

'Crap', eh? Gee, I didn't realize the CCA Code of censorship was so
far-reaching it even includes fanfic/comic crossovers.

Ryoga: Ranma has driven me to HECK!

She was prepared this time, side-stepping the mid-air flight and

side-stepping --> sidestepping; mid-air --> midair

Iron Rose threw Frog Man like a fastball at Cat Man. 

Beavis and Butthead: FROG BASEBALL! (hits the hurtling Frog Man with a baseball
bat)

�And your name is Wolf Guy? Flea Bag? Doggie Bomb?� Iron Rose asked.

He stared at her emotionlessly. �Man Beast.�

�Well, Man Beast. What is it you can do? Piddle on my leg to make me rust?�

�Oh, I think I can come up with something.�

And Man Beast smiled.

Like I said before, I like Man Beast as _the_ current antagonist for the
Avengers. He indeed has style.

EDIT: Too bad he was more of an 'antagonist of the arc' type, but he died a
natural villain death and I was not dissatisfied with the kind of impact he has
presented to the group. More on this on the next C&C.
 
Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

A ring of police cars had just started to form outside the building when
Iron Rose�s limp form shot through a wall and outside the building. Her
trajectory continued unimpeded as she struck a building across the
street and shattered a number of walls there before ending up in the
middle of it. She didn�t emerge from the wreckage.

The policemen stared at the holes in the two buildings.

One officer looked at another. �I think we�d better wait for backup.�

His partner nodded his head.

Heh.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

[End Chapter]

Sorry for the short nature of this chapter, but this felt like a good
place to end it, 

I like 'em short and sweet. Shows a bit of good ol' writer discipline, it does.
I have _yet_ to learn this so-called school of thought myself, with my own
chapters growing exponentially as I continue to get into writing fics, but meh.

and something bad happened which brought me down, which
is currently killing my mood to write more until the matter can be taken
care of. Depending on how large the next one is, I might just merge it
with this one. Anyway, thanks for reading.

No prob. Broken Grammar Rules, yo!

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!). 

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.

So that's four grammar rules broken (technically three, since #57 and #73 are
mostly interchangeable and combinable). Not bad. Not bad at all.

As for the story so far: Well now. Things are certainly picking up. I'm usually
much more verbose when it comes to plot point summaries and reviews, but seeing
that this is a cliffhanger type of chapter, I'll just stand back and wait for
more, if you don't mind. Certainly happy that the suave, enigmatic, and savage
Man Beast has come forward to the fray, so... yeah. Keep on writing, dude. 


Maligayang pagbati sa iyong kakayahang sumulat,
Abdiel
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It is by no means possible for me to write down this science precisely as I
understand it in my heart." (Musashi Miyamoto)

Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com 

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'