Coming Home to Roost
by Shade

Takahashi, Akamatsu and others own the characters
used.

Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Situations and a
Sick Sense of Humor

----------------------------------------
Chapter 2: Kiss Your Fucking Ass Goodbye
----------------------------------------

There was a long moment of dead silence.

Nabiki caught herself in the middle of a doubletake.

Akane's eye twitched. She'd put up with a lot from her
wayward fiance for the last year or so. 
He'd brought nothing but trouble to her home since his
arrival. He lied, cheated, peeped, 
gobbled up all the sukiyaki meat first, groped other
girls and never took her seriously.
She had tried to be mature and forgive him for his
gross misconduct. But this? This was 
finally going too far. He must be PUNISHED!!

""RANMA, YOU PERVERT!!!"

Having satisfied the need for self-justification, no
matter how flimsy the excuse might be, 
Akane charged ahead with an untroubled conscience
determined to wreck havoc on 
the head of the boy who had betrayed her once again.

There was an uncertain pause as the members of the
unofficial Akane Tendo Fanclub
saw their idol finally take decisive actions. Then
with a muted roar the Horde 
was up in arms and following after the object of their
desires.

"How could you cheat on such a sexy wife with some old
bag, Saotome," yelled one of 
the maddened jocks on the baseball team.

"Get off on wrinkles, do ya!?"

This from a member of the school's Sumo team.

And then all together in one united battecry, "DIE,
ENEMY OF ALL WOMEN!!"

Ranma closed his eyes in resigned expectation. 
He didn't want to watch what was coming next.

He could feel the pressure of Tsuruko's battleaura
pressing 
against his prickling skin like a building
thunderstorm as
he hastily emptied out all thought and emotion, trying
to 
make his own aura as small and unnoticable as
possible.

All of her senses suddenly tingling, Nabiki decided
that 
it would be wise if she got out of the way.

Akane was at the head of the angry pack with a hockey
stick 'borrowed' 
from one of the jocks. She raised it up high in
preparation for a blow 
to the head that would rattle the school windows when
it connected. 

And then a force like a category five hurricane
suddenly smashed head on 
into her. She found herself being tossed backwards
into the air like 
a dry maple leaf. All around her the sky was filled
with a mob of equally 
surprised boys blasted every which way by that
invisible wave of unstoppable force.

The pigtailed boy let out a small sigh of relief as he
slumped slightly 
forward. The Evil Cutting Strike Second Form still
scared the bejeezus out 
of him even when he wasn't the target. He still
remembered seeing his wife 
use it on her own kid sister without hesitation. Poor
Motoko had wet herself 
in fright. Fortunately his bladder was stronger then
hers.

A great many dull thuds of warm bodies falling
painfully onto the ground
followed shortly thereafter.

"Now then, if we may continue without further
interruptions?"

The remainder of the student bodies still standing
started nodding frantically.

"Thank you. Now then, Dearest?"

Cautiously Ranma's eyes peeked open. When they met the
steady gaze of 
the still smiling Tsuruko, it was akin to a mouse
suddenly staring up 
at a hungry waiting lion. Never had he been so tempted
to break 
the first of the three cardinal rules of his marriage
then at that 
precise moment.

Rule 1: Never Lie to Them. Ever.

No matter how scary Tsuruko could be when she was
angry, that paled 
in comparision to what she was capable of when she
found out she
was being lied to. And that was true for the others as
well. 

"I-I thought she was you. By the time I figured it out
it was too late 
and then you walked in and-"

"And you fled."

The young man nodded dejectedly. Being afraid for his
life and manhood 
was still no excuse for running away like a coward.
But his Pop's words 
had made so much sense at the time.

'Son, you fucked up.'

'What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?!'

'Look, calm down. I tell you what we'll do. We'll send
a postcard letting
them know you're going on an extended training trip
but we won't tell them where. 
Give her a couple of years to cool down and she'll
forget all about it.'

'You really think it'll work?'

'Don't worry, it's a tried and true technique of the
Saotome family. Trust me.'

'Okay.'

In retrospect, that had been one of the stupidest
things he'd ever done.

And just as obviously, nobody else was buying it
either. Yuka and Sayuri 
simply butted into the conversation without so much as
a by-your-leave.

"How lame! Couldn't you come up with a better excuse
then that?!"

"Like anyone would believe you could confuse your wife
with her mother!
Do you think we're all idiots that we'd fall for such
a crazy story like that?"

Both girls glared at him, suddenly united in their
belief that Akane 
was right after all. Ranma really was nothing more
then a sick pervert.

"Excuse me?"

Ranma glared right back at the two girls and their
self-righteous stance wilted
slightly under the intensity of his outrage at having
his honesty questioned.
He wasn't married to either one, which meant that he
didn't have to put
up with that kind of shit from them.

With an almost audible growl, Ranma reached inside his
shirt and pulled out a small round 
metal picture frame. He thrust it out towards the two
suddenly uncertain schoolgirls like 
a cross being brandished towards a vampire.

"Here! Take a look for yourselves."

Yuka and Sayuri blinked in surprise and then came
closer, not noticing that 
Tsuruko had lifted one hand to her mouth to hide a
small laugh.

The duo carefully studied the picture before turning
back towards Ranma 
with matching frowns on their features.

"Really, Ranma. A cheesecake picture of your wife
posing in a string bikini 
doesn't explain anything at all."

"That's *not* my wife."

He reached into his shirt again with his free hand and
withdrew a second picture frame
of the same shape and size as the first.

"This one's my wife."

An equally curious Nabiki joined the other girls in
looking over the new picture.
In it Tsuruko wore a daring metallic V-cut one-piece
that strained to contain her 
sensual figure as she posed teasingly towards the
viewer. 

For the first time ever Nabiki finally understood just
how Ranma could keep calling 
her younger sister an uncute tomboy who lacked any sex
appeal whatsoever and actually 
mean it. It was like comparing shit to cream. She
herself was straight and even she 
could tell that the picture was made of pure win.

At first glance the two photos appeared to feature the
same person. It was only upon
closer examination that the three girls finally
noticed some small differences that
distinguished one from the other. The two could have
been sisters, so uncanny was
the resemblence. Suddenly the pigtailed boy's
explanation didn't sound so flimsy 
after all.

"Okay, say that I believe you. Now why are you
carrying that picture around,"
Nabiki said, deciding to humor his pathetic little
charade for the moment.

Wordlessly Ranma turned the picture around so that
they could read the inscription 
on the back. It read 'Keep me close. If you misplace
this, you'll be sorry. -XXX Y.A.'

Nabiki's eyebrows rose involuntarily.

"I like being able to pee standing up, that's why."

Tsuruko finally interrupted with a polite cough.

"It has occurred to me, Dearest, that perhaps I was a
touch...hasty at that time."

The elegant swordswoman slowly laced her fingers
together with a slightly nervous 
air as she picked her next words carefully. Ranma's
breath caught as a faint light
of hope rekindled in his breast.

"Having had some time to reflect on the matter, I have
come to the conclusion 
that you were not to blame for that unfortunate
incident."

You could have knocked the young martial artist over
with a feather at that moment.
Genma had been right? His father's advice had turned
out to be good for something 
after all?! Had Hell finally frozen over?!

"However...." 

Her hands suddenly clamped down on his shoulders as
she drew his face closer to hers 
until their noses were almost touching. The young
man's heart lurched as his vision 
was pulled into the glowing pools of her eyes. Somehow
she seemed to be looming over 
him as if she had grown to giant size or he had shrunk
in stature. 

"That still does not excuse your extended leave of
absence from your marital duties, my husband."

Her smiling features seemed to radiate an almost
palpable sense of danger coupled 
with a hint of barely restrained hunger that sent cold
shivers running up and down his spine.

"You must reimburse this lack to the *fullest* extent
possible. And with all the applicable
I-N-T-E-R-E-S-T."

The brave martial artist fought back a terrified
whimper as he silently prayed for a stay of execution.

"HOLD, VARLET!!"

-----------------------

Today was the day.

He was invincible!

For had the secret to ultimate victory not been
revealed unto him 
through the great saga of the legendary Nobunaga?
Today he would
claim what was his just due from the lovely pigtailed
girl and 
his long suffering destined to be, Akane Tendo! 

Yes, through long trials and torment (of Sasuke) the
key to destroying 
the Foul Letcherous Sorcerer had been discovered. Why
had he not realized
it sooner? It was so obvious! He did not need to get
his own noble hands
dirty with the blood of such a low class dog, rather
he needed only to
hire a most skilled mercenary in the trade of removing
such obstinate 
obstacles from his glorious path of true manliness.

Ah, there was the misbegotten demon spawn now!

"HOLD, VARLET!!"

But wait, who was this goddess of authentic Japanese
beauty standing
next to-AH HAH!! The scoundrel was at it again! No
doubt he had used trickery
and black magic to ensnare this pure angel with skin
the color of soft moonlight
and long glorious raven dark tresses and her face,
surely it had been kissed by
the glorious mother of heaven...Kuno used the back of
his hand to wipe the drool
dripping from his open mouth.

"Do not fear, my fair maiden! Come, leap into my
bountiful arms!!"

He charged forward, blind to everything but the
heavenly vision before him.

----------------------

For the first time in his life, Ranma Saotome was
almost grateful 
that Tatewaki Kuno was a suicidal idiot.

"Do not fear, my fair maiden! Come, leap into my
bountiful arms!!"

"..."

At least until he realized that the arrogant
upperclassman was trying to hit on his wife.

"Kuno...."

Major Testerone rallied. 

"Oh," Tsuruko blinked as she suddenly found herself
holding only Ranma's empty shirt in her hands.

"...You..."

Corporal Punishment commenced.

"...ASSHOLE!!!"

*BOOT TO DA NADS*

"Ooo....that...did not...hurt...you know."

Tatewaki's words would have carried more weight had he
not been down on his knees 
clutching himself with both hands. His face had gone
chalky white from the 
no-holds-barred impact.

The shadowed face of the pigtailed martial artist was
lit only by an eerie red gleam 
from where his eyes were normally visible. The Demonic
Avatar of Husbandly Wrath seized 
the target of his ire by the collar and lifted him up
so that they were face to face.

"You want to hit on Akane, fine. She's old enough to
make her 
own mistakes. BUT THOU SHALT NOT COVET MY WIFE!!!"

This was accompanied by a through shaking of the kendo
boy's neck.

A part of Ranma's mind wondered just what the hell he
was doing. Another part really
didn't care, since when did he need a reason to hurt
Kuno? But the part that was in
charge at the moment was mainly concerned with trying
to wring the kendoist's scrawny 
neck, literally.


"Don't worry Master Kuno! I, your faithful servant
Sasuke, shall save you!"

Ranma grunted and lifted Kuno's body up to block the
incoming swarm of shuriken.
Tatewaki bucked and groaned as dozens of needle-sharp
points lodged firmly into 
his back.

"That-did-not-hurt...."

"Master Kuno!!"

The mousy ninja clapped both hands to the sides of his
face, his expression expressing 
horror at what he'd inadvertently done.

Ranma grunted again and hoisted up the upperclassman
again to intercept 
the barbell rocketing towards his head. Akane swore in
an unladylike manner
at seeing her missile deflect off of Kuno's head. 

'You JERK!!"

"That...did..n-not..."

"RANMA!! HOW DARE YOU INSULT AKANE LIKE THAT?! PREPARE
TO DIE!!!"

The pigtailed boy swung his improvised human shield
about to absorb the array 
of spinning bandanas coming in from his flank. 

"...mommy!!"

The watching students all winced in unwilling
sympathy.

"So you want some too, Pig-boy? Take a number and get
in line!"

"WHY YOU-"

*SPLAT*

Ranma withdrew his foot from the Hibiki boy's
flattened face.

"Grrrr!!"

When Ryoga swung his weighted umbrella in retaliation,
the much
abused body of Tatewaki Kuno was there to stop the
blow. The Lost
Boy paid no attention to him, his enraged focus
completely on 
the object of his ire. He attacked again and again,
while Ranma
kept blocking with the increasingly battered
upperclassman.

Tsuruko laughed softly as she watched, amused by her
husband's antics.

"Aren't you going to help him," Nabiki asked her
quizzically.

"Now why would I do that? He looks like he's enjoying
himself."

--------------------------------

Kuno's head rattled as yet another blow from Ryoga
impacted it.

Ranma noticed that he was mumbling something but
didn't pay any 
attention to it as he had more important things to
worry about
at the moment and the bokken boy's words kept getting
interrupted
by Ryoga's punches and kicks.

At least until he heard him mutter,
"...eyes...Demon..."

That got his attention really fast.

"SAOTOME YOU COWA-"

*BOOT TO DA HEAD*

"Ow! You booted me in the head!!"

Having bought himself a little breather, Ranma swung
the now 
semi-conscious human shield around and lifted his
lolling head up.

"What did you say, Kuno?! Spill it!!"

General Alarm sounded in the anxious young man's head.
He must have heard wrong, there was no way that even 
Kuno should have been able to afford-

"eYes...of thE dEmOn!!Ahahahahahaha!!!"

Ranma's heart turned to ice as he hastily dropped the
upperclassman 
as if the diabolically laughing figure had suddenly
turned radioactive. 

"You idiot....what have you done," He whispered in a
tone of pure horror.

No wonder they had been able to find him. 

"Dog of a thousand kitchen slatterns...now you face
the wrath of the Heavens and Hell!!"

Amazed as always by Kuno's unnatural recovery time
from physical damage,
Akane was surprised to see the normally confident
pigtailed boy stumble
back away from Tatewaki with a look of terror on his
face.

It reminded her of something. Now what was it?

"Don't you turn your back on me, Saotome!!"

Sweet Ryoga's battlecry interrupted her chain of
thought. Oh, she wished that 
he hadn't done that. Even if that womanizing jerk did
deserve a beating this time.

But it was almost on the tip of her tongue...

"Oh! I've got it!!"

The pigtailed boy had had that same expression on his
face when he'd first seen Tsuruko-

Three shots rang out.

---------------------

The sound of an M40A1 firing three rounds in quick
succession let
Ranma know the jig was finally up. The young man
reached for the sky 
as Kuno, Sasuke and Ryoga all hit the ground. He
ignored the general panic 
as Akane, Nabiki and the rest of the school rushed to
find cover 
from the shooter. As if that would do any good against
the caliber 
of skill that was here now.

"Don't shoot! I surrender!!"

Frantically he looked around for the petite burka clad
sniper 
he knew must be around somewhere. But despite his best
efforts
he couldn't find any trace of her. He did notice
though, 
that his second wife looked serene and unworried. 

She probably wasn't worried about the competition
after all-!!!

"Well this brings back memories, doesn't
it...Darling."

Ranma stared. He couldn't help himself. Where he had
expected to find 
a homicidal camouflaged lolita with chilling eyes that
froze the blood 
in your veins, he was instead confronted by a tall
panther of a woman
covered by a neutral tan burka perched on the school
wall. Her rifle
was still in hand and those eyes....they were the same
as-

"Cat got your tongue, Sweetie?"

His jaw dropped.

"Ma-Mana?!"

The gunslinging young woman pulled off the concealing
tentlike garment
to reveal her features at last. Ranma's brain went
into a meltdown
as he finally got a good look at his third wife for
the first time
in three years.

Long sleek legs that seemed to go on forever, her
tight dark camo body suit
leaving little doubt that the thin little girl he'd
remembered had definitely 
grown up and out. And she had-

"Duh-big-boob-but-breasts-how?! Buh-big! Breasts!? But
was little-big-small-big-BIG!?"

With a visible effort he wrenched his gaze further up
from the mind destroying sight
of the smirking girl's prominent attributes to focus
on her face. But when his eyes
finally met hers, Ranma realized he probably would
have been much better off simply 
staring dumbfoundedly at her chest. The cuteness of
the wolfish waif had been replaced 
with a sharply exotic face entering the full bloom of
womanhood. A beauty that kings 
and princes in ages past would have gone to war over
and gladly spilled their blood 
for the mere promise of a smile. And she was smiling
at him.

General Major Control attempted to impose emergency
order. But the traitorous 
Private Parts mutineed and stood at attention as it
sensed one of the true mistresses
would soon be in control of the situation. The young
man's mouth went bone dry
as he realized his rising predicament. 

Yeah, he was totally fucked now.

---------------------

Cautiously, Akane peered up from where she'd dived for
cover.
The sight of a tall dark tanned foreign beauty toting
a rifle
and smiling at a flabbergasted Ranma met her eyes. For
once 
in her life, Akane Tendo leaped to the correct logical
conclusion 
about what she was seeing.

"ANOTHER ONE," she shrieked in disbelief.

How did he do it? Every single time she thought he
couldn't get more perverted,
there he was, proving her wrong. It was as if there
was a 24 hour party being 
held in the Saotome boy's pants and she was the only
one not invited.

"You...you MANWHORE!!"

---------------------

Ignoring the increasingly obscene hail of insults
going into exquisite detail about
his gender, intelligence and virtue (or lack thereof)
being thrown his way by 
the outraged youngest Tendo, Ranma kept all of his
attention focused on the youngest
and most volatile of his wives as if his life depended
on it. 

It probably did.

He was fairly certain that she, unlike Tsuruko, hadn't
forgiven him yet. 
But fuck, a guy had to have *some* principles if he
wanted to be able 
to look at himself in a mirror. 

"S-So how's business? Still making a killing?"

Ranma winced before the last words escaped his
constricting throat.
Oh that was really smooth, maybe if he shoved his foot
into his mouth 
a little more he could shut himself up before he could
do anything else
to make things worse.

Mana simply nodded, her smile unchanging.

The young man broke out into a cold sweat, seeing out
of the corner of his eye
that Tsuruko obviously wasn't going to lift a finger
to help him. She had her
own bone she wanted to pick out and grind down from
him. Why, oh why, had his 
stupid little soldier picked *now* of all times to
present arms? 

"Um, you're not still mad about *that*, are you?"

The young woman whipped out one of the dual matching
Desert Eagles 
in her thigh holsters with her right hand and took
aim.

"Not anymore," Mana said simply.

Then she shot him in the head.

*KER-POW*

---------------------------

Akane shrieked like a little girl as she saw her
fiance gunned down in cold 
blood before her eyes. At least until she realized
that there wasn't any
blood flying, spilling or otherwise making its
presence known anywhere.

"Huh?"

What was going on here? Shouldn't his head have
exploded like in the movies?
And why was that strange psycho walking towards the
body? For that matter,
why did that Tsuruko person look so damn irritatingly
calm about all of this?
Shouldn't she care that her supposed 'husband' had
been shot like that in
front of her? Shouldn't the woman be doing something?
It wasn't like she herself
was going to stick her neck out for that worthless...

Akane ducked her head as the stranger's eerie golden
eyes turned her way.

Martial artist she might be, but crazy enough to get
in the way 
of a probable nutcase packing firearms?

Not a chance.

-------------------------

>From his position stretched out flat on his back,
Ranma just stared up at the open sky.

"You still alive, honey?"

If his vocal cords hadn't been completely paralyzed at
that moment, Ranma
would have groaned in pain. Airgun knockoffs or not,
those oversized pistols 
that his mercenary wife carried packed a mean wallop.

And she'd used the curare tipped bullets again. He
couldn't so much as blink 
an eyelash and the tip of his nose was already
starting to itch. 

"Hmmm."

Oh shit, she was coming right towards him. Oh where
were those violent fiancees when 
he really needed them to serve as a distraction? If
only they-Aiyaaah!!

"Heh."

Ranma's eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets as his
embarrassingly rampant erection 
registered a sudden forceful pressure bearing down on
it. It took him only a few seconds 
to identify the almost but not quite painful sensation
as the toe of Mana's leather boot
pressing against his eagerly straining pole. Whether a
subtle threat of punishment to come
or a silent promise of equally painful pleasure to
follow, only one thing was clear.

He was now at her mercy. And last time he checked, she
didn't have any.

His shallow breathing quickened as Mana deliberately
circled his sensitive crotch 
with the tip of the light brown footwear. He knew that
with only a few more pounds
of pressure she could splatter his testicles like a
couple of raw eggs. Hell, he'd
*seen* her do that before to some unfortunate souls
who no longer walked among the living. 
And the creepiest part about it was that her
expression had never changed, the Soul of Ice
was lukewarm compared to the cool professionalism of
the tanned mercenary on the job.

Tsuruko wouldn't do that to him because she didn't
believe in punishing herself. 
But with Mana, he just couldn't tell. As far as he
knew, she had no compelling reason
to *not* unman him in a horribly gruesome fashion
considering the circumstances of
their seperation and the subsequent sequence of events
that had eventually led to China,
then Jusenkyo and finally his self-imposed exile in
Nerima.

'And where to do think you're going, Boy?'

'Back to China to find a cure for this curse!'

'Go right ahead....'

'You mean you're not going to stop me, Old Man?'

'...Of course that little child wife of yours will
love to get 
her hands on you. She might even be merciful enough to
kill you 
when she's finished.'

'....'

'Where are you going now?'

'Back to bed. We've got a long day of school
tomorrow.'

'Smart boy.'

He still had the occasional nightmare of being swarmed
by chibi longhaired lolis 
dressed up in slinky belly dancer outfits and wielding
oversized hunting knives.

"Your attention is wandering, sweetheart."

!!!

Her toe forcefully nudged the cluster of nerves
situated at the base of his organ, 
just above his tightening balls. Sweat beaded his brow
as the young man fought to
prevent himself from suddenly creaming in his boxers.
Where the hell had she
learned to do that?!

"That's better."

Her deceptively angelic face hovered on the edge of
his blurring vision
as she deftly ground the flat of her heel down on his
trapped member. 

Tears started to pool in the corners of his eyes as
this exquisite torture
continued. Every time he found himself right on the
edge she stopped him 
with a quick jab at his base that killed the urge but
did nothing for the 
building frustration. He could feel his heart racing,
it seemed that all
the blood was rushing out of his brain and descending
into a bottomless
vortex of furious liquid heat.

The sound of a throat clearing finally broke through
the haze of this 
unbelievably cruel torment.

"That should suffice. I believe that I can take things
in hand from here."

Mana paused in mid-stroke before turning to give
Tsuruko a decidedly chilly look.

"....Excuse me?"

Ranma whined in his throat like a little kicked puppy.
This would not end well.

"There was an interesting theme for that love hotel
not too far from here and 
I would rather like to explore that novelty with my
husband," Tsuruko explained
as if she was talking to someone too slow to keep up
with the flow of the conversation.

"He owes me a wedding night *and* a honeymoon. With
*Penalties*," said Mana 
as she emphasized 'Penalties' with a solid grinding
from her foot that 
threatened to leave Ranma's pants with a big sticky
wet spot on the front.

"That is indeed unfortunate. However...."

The muted clink of a sword hilt being slightly pushed
out from the sheath 
sounded like a gunshot in the sudden quiet stillness.

"...that is a matter to be settled between him and
yourself *after* I have finished."

The metal click of two safeties being taken off made
Ranma fervently wish that he was anywhere
else but here at Ground Zero.

"You can have him back *after* I've collected my due."

>From where he was laid flat on the ground the still
paralyzed young man couldn't see 
the looks being exchanged between the two women, but
he could feel the dangerous sparks
flying.

"Ho ho ho ho, it seems this little impasse must be
rectified."

The cheerful laughter in her voice was not present in
Tsuruko's suddenly glowing eyes.

"Hmph."

Mana's own piercing amber pupils started to gleam like
hard cut gems.

It was a delicate moment where even the least
provocation could ignite the entire conflagration.

"I FIGHT ON!!"

Kuno's timing couldn't possibly have been any worse. 

*KER-POW* *KER-POW*

"AUUGHH!! MY EYES!! THEY BURN!!!"

Ranma mentally nodded in confirmation. Pacification
bullets with twelve alarm chili pepper base.

"Zankuusen!!"

"Aiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-!"

Tatewaki's cry of pain trailed off as he vanished into
the distant blue sky.

There was a hushed pause.

And then all Hell broke loose.


-End Chapter 2


Author's notes: Lots of thanks to Dracos for pointing
out areas for improvement. Also thank you to all
of the people on Hawk's forum who have made the
process as much fun as the final product.


-------------------------
-Fear the Women Omake

"But what about that poor woman's husband? How could
you force her to cheat on him like that?"

Ranma blinked, nonplussed by this bizzare conclusion
that Sayuri had somehow reached. 
Had all of Akane's friends been this retarded and he'd
just never noticed it before?
With an effort he swallowed the first dozen or so
choice retorts that immediately sprang 
to mind which would have curled the hairs on her empty
little head.

"Actually, Mother is a widow."

Tsuruko finally broke in with a polite cough.

"Oh, we're sorry."

Yuka and Sayuri stared down at the ground as they
quickly apologized, cheeks pink with shame.

It has occurred to me, Dearest, that perhaps I was a
touch...hasty at that time."

The elegant swordswoman slowly laced her fingers
together with a slightly nervous 
air as she picked her next words carefully. Ranma's
breath caught as a faint light
of hope rekindled in his breast. That didn't sound
like the beginning of an execution
speech to him.

"Having had some time to reflect on the matter, I have
come to the conclusion 
that you were not to blame for that unfortunate
incident."

You could have knocked the young martial artist over
with a feather at that moment.
Genma had been right? His father's advice had turned
out to be good for something 
after all?! Had Hell finally frozen over?!

"Uh-I-um-well-ah-okay-"

This had never happened to him before and Ranma wasn't
quite sure what to do.

"I should have warned you earlier about that
unfortunate part of the Aoyama Clan's history. 
I'm sure it must have been quite a shock."

Tsuruko blushed slightly.

"Oh yeah."

Ranma swallowed audibly. He remembered *that* all too
well. That had been
the *other* reason why he'd been so quick to flee from
the Aoyama family compound.

"Unfortunate part?"

Nabiki eyed the pigtailed boy skeptically. 

"The guys they marry tend not to live very long after
the wedding. Oldest one
I managed to find in the records only made it to
twenty nine before he kicked 
the bucket."

"And just how far back do these records go?"

"Back to the early fourteen hundreds I'd guess. At
least that's all I managed to look at."

Ranma shrugged as the girls stared at him with widened
eyes.

"Wait, so you're saying that all of their husbands
died before reaching 
the age of thirty for the last six hundred YEARS?!"

"I'm afraid so," Tsuruko said as she gently petted
Shipuu's crest.

"What, their wives kill them all for cheating on them
or something, " Akane snorted rudely
as she limped over to the group. She was already
developing a strong dislike for this 
teeth-gnashingly beautif-slutty 'wife' that had
obviously been brainwashed by her pervert
of a fiance.

"Of course not, don't be silly," Ranma replied in a
contemptuous tone of voice usually 
reserved for that special breed of idiot that likes to
ask stupid questions they should
already know the answers to.

"Then what has been the traditional cause of death for
men marrying into the Aoyama family,"
Nabiki, Yuka, Sayuri, Akane, the other girls and what
few boys had managed to stay conscious
all asked simultaneously.

The young married couple replied in eerie unison.

"Exhaustion."

-------------------------
-Oops Omake


"Um, you're not still mad about *that*, are you?"

The young woman whipped out one of the dual matching
Desert Eagles 
in her thigh holsters with her right hand and took
aim.

"Not anymore," Mana said simply.

Then she shot him in the head.

*KER-POW*

Blood and brains erupted everywhere.

Mana blinked, then took a second look at her gun.

"Oops. Used the real one by mistake."

She sighed.

"Guess there's no helping it then."

She shot a hard glare at the whitefaced boys and girls
staring at her.

"If any of you laugh at what I do next, you die."

Holstering her weapon, the tanned young woman knelt
down to open the 
black guitar case she had by her feet. Flipping it
open she pulled
out a gigantic nightmarish spiked club with the name
'Excalipur' 
emblazoned in flaming red letters on the side. She
gestured at 
the still bleeding corpse now flopping around on the
ground
like a fish out of water.

"Pipiru piru piru pipiru pi!"

Bits of bloody brain and skull started flying back to
their original 
resting place until Ranma's head finally reformed back
to what it
was before his gruesome death. He blinked.

"Killed me again?"

"Yeah, sorry-" 

Mana's apology was interrupted by a rude snicker.
Whirling around she
saw Nabiki and Akane holding their hands over their
mouths in a vain 
attempt to muffle their laughter.

"Mmphh-ahahaha, did you hear that?!"

Mana's cheeks reddened.

"Pipiru piru, she sounds like a little girl playing
magical princess! Bwhahahaha-"

*KER-POW*

AKane's head exploded.

*KER-POW*

Nabiki's head followed suit.

And so the Great Furinkan High School Bloodbath began.


-------------------
-Hey, It Could Have Been Worse Omake


"He owes me a wedding night *and* a honeymoon. With
*Penalties*," said Mana 
as she emphasized 'Penalties' with a solid grinding
from her foot that 
threatened to leave Ranma's pants with a big sticky
wet spot on the front.

"That is indeed unfortunate...but perhaps we could
reach an acceptable compromise?"

Ranma didn't like the sound of that. Esepcially once
he noticed that Mana looked interested. 

"Go on."

"Our husband has more then one method available for
satisfying a woman. And I am not adverse
to having him work off his punishment...orally."

Tsuruko smiled like a cat in the cream.

Mana's features slowly shifted until her own evil grin
matched the one
facing her.


"Done."

Ranma whimpered helplessly as each woman took hold 
of one arm and dragged him off to his doom.




 
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