Subject: [FFML] [C&C] Re: [Fanfic] [Naruto] [AU] The Pride of Suna, Prologue
From: Aaron Nowack
Date: 10/15/2006, 4:38 PM
To: Legendary Legacy
CC: ffml@anifics.com

Legendary Legacy wrote:
I'm a bit new to this FFML thing, so if something goes wrong with my message 
or anything, I apologize.

Noted.  Looks like you've pretty much figured it out already, though.  :)

Anyway, I've been posting this story to fanfiction.net for a few months now, 
and even though I've recieved many positive reviews for it, it's next to 
impossible to get any real indepth critiquing about it.  So I was hoping I 
might get a bit more help with that from here.  

Definitely.  Ff.net reviews are better than nothing, of course, but
in-depth they are not.  The format doesn't lend itself to that, even
when the reviewer is capable and willing.

Typical Disclaimer:  (Insert stupid comment about what I'd change if I owned 
Naruto.)

Real Disclaimer:  Naruto and all the characters and settings therein are the 
creative and legal property of Masashi Kishimoto.  This story is being 
written without permission and without intent of profit.  The plot is, to 
the best of my knowledge, my own.

Fake C&C Disclaimer:  Failure to immediately comply with the orders
below demonstrates failure as not only a writer, but as a human being.

Mostly Standard C&C Disclaimer:  All the below (and above, this time) is
my only occasionally useful humble opinion, my only occasionally correct
grammatical and spelling corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny
humor.

----------

Prologue


"Give the scroll to me, Naruto!"

"Naruto, you can't let him have it!"

Uzumaki Naruto's mind felt like a torrent as he turned back and forth 
between the two speakers.  

Hmm.  I think I noticed someone comment on this earlier, and I have to
agree that I'm not certain "torrent" is quite correctly used here,
though I could always be wrong.

Perhaps something like "Uzumaki Naruto's mind was consumed by a torrent
of conflicting thoughts and emotions as..." would work better?

The whole day had seemingly gone from bad to worse.  

Seemingly really doesn't belong in that sentence, I think.  It kind of
implies that Naruto isn't certain that the day has gone from bad to
worse, or that it seems that it has but actually hasn't.  Perhaps use
"suddenly" instead?

Naruto could feel chills' running up and down his body from the way the 
conversation was going.  

Unnecessary apostrophe after chills.

Opening his eyes, Naruto took in his strange new surroundings.  If he wasn't 
mistaken, he appeared to be in a sewer of some kind.  Did Konoha even have 
sewers?  

Probably, since it has running water and modern toilet facilities and
the like.

I hope you enjoyed it, but don't hesitate to say if you didn't.  

It's a good prologue.  I have to admit that the title and the summary on
ff.net kind of make me somewhat dubious, but thus far I have no
complaints, and my wariness is more a matter of my particular taste in
fanfiction than any doubts as to the quality.  From the evidence of the
prologue, I'd be surprised if the story devolved into the pointless
character bashing that so many "main character runs away" stories wallow
in - a large part of why I've developed a distaste for the genre.

Please do continue to post the story here!

-- Aaron Nowack "Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis." http://www.mimiru.net/ .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----. | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com | | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com | | Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject | `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'