Ah, hell. Wait a week for the C&C of Chapter 2, and a looong while for Chapter
3 and above. (shakes head) Man, but I have quite the backlog...

As per usual with your fics nowadays, the plot and content is superb. Now that
I've given you your Novocain, let's talk about formatting. First off, as far as
formatting goes... the smart quotes are back and the special-character ellipses
have never really left. (shakes head) I have three theories concerning this
problem. 

My first theory: Save it as plain text. Or open your document in notepad, copy
it from there then paste it on your mail client.

My second theory: have you _really_ unchecked all the tabs in the Autocorrect
Options? It has about five tabs: Autotext, Autoformat, Smart Tags, Autocorrect,
and Autoformat As You Type. Now, if you're like me, I have a tendency to leave
unchecked either the 'Autoformat' tab and/or the 'Autoformat As You Type' tab
(because of MS Word's annoying tendency to put at the front each tab such that
you can't backtrack what's been checked or unchecked). As such, double check
all tabs until you get it right.

My third theory would be that your mail client itself Autoformats everything
you type, so it's irrelevant whether or not you're using Microsoft Word,
Wordstar, WordPerfect, Notepad, or whatever. I can't offer any unsolicited
advice on matters of the mail client 'coz, hey, it's your mail client. If you
would please, find a way around that.

Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^

It also occurs to me that my lexicon may not be at par with yours, so any
unfamiliar word I ask about isn't necessarily a correction but just general
ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a certain Thomas Michael Edwards). As
such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the patience to clear up some of my
questions on those particular instances. Thanks.

On 7/7/06, DB Sommer <sommert@connecttime.net> wrote:

Avenging
Act III, All You Need is Hate
Chapter 1

Standard disclaimer: I don�t own any of the Marvel characters or other
characters from the numerous animes which are within.

Suggest: numerous anime series/numerous anime (Japanese words, unless adopted
into the English language like 'Samurais', generally do not have plural forms;
series, similarly, does not have an 's' or 'es' form)

Still, few complained about the current leader, founder Itsuki Mikura.
Under his direction the ALF had financial resources like never before.
Some claimed it was their super-powered hacker, Overrider, that had
obtained stolen them, 

Hmmm. Pick: 'obtained' or 'stolen'?

If both, suggest: 'obtained/stolen' or 'obtained and/or stolen'

while others maintained Councilwoman Juna Ariyoshi

herself was secretly funding them while running interference in the
government to keep them ay bay.

keep them ay --> keep them at

Ix-nay?

animals were rescued from what can only be called in execution. And I
mean that in a literal sense,� he said ominously.

Angry mutterings and a few voices rang out in response to that.

The other side of PETA.

A stir of confusion shot through the gathering at the declaration.
Confusion became shock as the crowd saw what was unquestionably an
animal man, wolflike 

Suggest: wolf-like ('wolflike' is not a d-v-w, as opposed to wraithlike or
businesslike, so there's a need for the hyphen)

�I�ll want to know what sort of super powered assets the ALF has.�

Suggest: super-powered (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)

Iron Rose, Daredevil, Wasp, and Giant Man had their attention riveted to

Captain Japan: Ah yes. The B-Team.

the young man in the yellow shirt, purple pants, and striped bandanna
lashed around his forehead. 

I dunno. The halftone pattern Takahashi uses on Ryoga's bandanna is definitely
checkered upon further inspection. You can even check the anime: same thing.
Then again, Ryoga doesn't wear purple pants either. On the other hand, manga
coloring can be relative, as seen with girl Ranma's oft-discussed colored
locks. Long story short, I believe the bandanna is checkered, not striped.

�In this business, nothing really surprises me anymore.� Giant Man
wasn�t as bothered as usual about being in his heroic guise. For a
change he was doing some real good in helping to examine this �Ryouga

Suggest: For a change, he (adds a natural pause, methinks)

Hibiki� person that the Hulk turned into. Or turned back into, if Ryouga
was to be believed. A quick talk with the young man showed Ryouga had no
idea of how or why the transformation occurred, only that his memory
blackouts were a fairly recent occurrence.

Come to think of it, Ryoga shape-shifts into four forms. Day-mn, he's a regular
Freeza/Super Saiyajin.

Also he was eager to return to Tokyo, both to find out why he was
turning into the Hulk, as well as �finishing some unfinished business�

Heh. Lots of things had been put on hold because of everyone's 'superheroing'.
 

Upon returning, Thor, Captain Japan, and Hawkeye said they had to leave

Aw. The A-team's gone. I pity the foo' B-team that was left behind.

unavailable since he was on his honeymoon. Reed Richards was off in some
other dimension with the Challengers of the Fantastic, and Walter
Langkowski�s whereabouts were unknown.

Hmmm. Dunno who the third one is.

Ryouga jumped on her interest like a drowning man would a
life-preserver. �Would you listen to my story? It�s about a great wrong
done to me, one that�s made me hunt down the perpetrator to the ends of
the Earth.�

Hmmm. Maybe it's my different default font for plaintext acting up, but I do
believe the 'Ryoga jumped on her interest like a drowning man would a' line is
too short compared to the other parts of the paragraph. Suggest redistributing
the words to have more equal formatting. 

�In the beginning he seemed okay, but then he showed his true colors

Suggest: In the beginning, he seemed okay

�The next person that calls me obsessive, I punch out. I�m legally
entitled to do it after hearing that story,� Daredevil informed the others.

Heh.
 

�The heck I do!� Ryouga shouted, his skin again taking on a dull green hue.

What's with the sudden shift to the wholesome 'heck'? Ryoga's been known to use
'hell'... albeit from a Viz dub, but still.

�Someone stole my set of mechanical arms. A nutcase that named himself,
�Dr. Octopus�. I believe he was Japanese, actually. 

Ah, aren't they all. I'm surprised there isn't an anti-Japanese sentiment in
this universe. Then again, that's a double standard, seeing that in the Marvel
Universe, most of the villains came from America... Or did they? I do remember
a lot of foreigner villains. Ah, but I yet again digress.

Octavius shook his head. �Not really. I saw him run off in them and,
frankly, he looked quiet silly. I had no idea how ridiculous I looked in

quiet --> quite

Easy with those homonyms, fic. They pass through those spellcheckers quite
easily. Keep a careful eye on them in the next proofread.
 

He began speaking in a voice practiced for his seminar. �Understand this
is a preliminary investigation and dos not have any solid conclusions.

dos --> does

However I am confident in my findings. There is no doubt that at some

Suggest: However, I am confident

He pushed the button and said to the speaker, �Activate and kill
everyone in the building above you.�

Whatever that 'sleeper' thing is, I'm about to find out.

It discovered that the triggering mechanism

and internal generator had both corroded due to age and weak materials.

Tsk.

�I�m not an inroad. I�m just a normal� why is there a weird
robot-looking thing floating up through the floor?� Ryouga didn�t like

Suggest: normal... Why is there (the next part of the clause after the ellipsis
is an independent one, so capitalize it accordingly)

As Octavius darted out an exit, Daredevil pulled a billy club out
extended the cable, wrapping it around the Sleeper�s legs. He tried to
trip it up by pulling, but its mass was far too large and strength too
great. Instead it kicked out with a leg, whipping Daredevil around and
into a wall. He rolled with the blow as much as he could, but
misestimated its distance, and ended up striking chest first, stunning him.

First off... Wow. Misestimated is an actual d-v-w. Secondly... Hmmm. I think
there's some funky formatting in the 'into a wall. He rolled with the blow as
much as he could, but' line (it's too short), but I could be wrong. Thing is,
the 'misestimated its distance, and ended up striking chest first, stunning
him.' line is a bit too long, and redistributing it with the 'into a wall' line
would, shall we say, 'split the difference'.

�Not if I get it first!� Iron Rose promised as she raised her hands and
unleashed a pair of full intensity repuslor rays at the robot.

Suggest: full-intensity (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)

Also: repuslor --> repulsor (even though 'repulsor' isn't really a word in the
real world, it pays to spell this fictional word properly)

�It was an acc--� She stopped, realizing that the truth might not work
on her companion. Best to make the explanation simple and something he
could appreciate. �I mean, the No-Neck Robot tricked me.�

Heh. Will you look at that? By this time they already know each other's quirks
enough to work as a cohesive unit. Somewhat. :P Considering their newbie status
during the Herb/Mandarin arc, it's nice to see them develop their respective
characteristics further. Kudos.

The Fourth Sleeper ran full tilt into the Hulk, driving him, backward.

Suggest: driving him backward. (I understand your intent with the sentence, but
I still believe that, though it may carry a different meaning, the comma-less
version I'm suggesting flows better that the more complicated parenthetical
clause)
 

Before the robot could press its advantage it was struck in the face

Suggest: advantage, it (comma needed, IMO)

Just as the Fourth Sleeper began to move Giant Man shouted, �Over here!�

Suggest: move, Giant man

Testing the theory, Wasp shrunk and blasted the robot in the same place
again, slowly wearing away the armor. Then grew and did the same. Giant
Man repeated the gesture as well.

Huh. The two members of the Avenger's 'B-team' were actually able to wear down
the sleeper, as opposed to the more popular members, 'Iron Rose (Man)' and 'The
Hulk'. Interesting.

The Doctor Octopus reference is from Avenging�s sister series,
Defending. Hayato Myojin followed up on his thoughts.


DB Sommer: Member of the Fanfiction Mailing List since �97. Come on and
join the fun for some good C+C and stories. Just send an email to
ffml-request@anifics.com
with �subscribe ffml� in subject line and you�re in.

Wow. Now _there's_ one way of joining in with the fun of advertising for the
FFML: putting it in your sig. Oh yeah, formatting error: combine
"ffml-request@anifics.com" with "with 'subscribe ffml' in the subject line and
you're in'."

Hmmm. I might as well copy-paste-edit my reply here. As usual, great
introductory chapter. Can't wait for more. Hope you can fix the formatting,
looks like a bit of trouble has popped up in the word-wrapping department as
well. Prose flowed reasonably well, seeing that you're using a simpler, more
modern and less archaic and flowery style. Also, most of the grammar mistakes
are avoidable. Indeed, it's nice to see a fic that's well-proofread. :) The
content leaves me more than a little curious to what will happen next. The last
thing was an understatement, of course. Even a basic 'setup' chapter for
greater plot points such as this is just as enjoyable as a 'confrontation and
plot resolution' chapter. It's indeed time to milk the moment before the great
shebang.

The grammar and spelling's great. It's not perfect by any stretch of the
imagination, but it's definitely not horrible either. No purple/needlessly
dragging prose. No thesaurus words. Quite a bit of formatting problems but
hopefully everything will be fixed by the next chapter. The level of research
you've put into this series astounds me, and the inclusion of both old and
latest anime in the previous and present chapters (even anime that has yet to
be released internationally save fansubs) keeps everything fresh and
not-so-dated. Furthermore, the potential plot points look like, for lack of a
better term, loads of fun. As such, the Zeigarnik effect is in full swing. Keep
on writing.


Maligayang pagbati sa iyong kakayahang sumulat,
Abdiel

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It is by no means possible for me to write down this science precisely as I
understand it in my heart." (Musashi Miyamoto)

Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com 

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'