You're lucky. I'm updating early because I'll be nowhere near my computer come Friday.
See the previous part to figure out what's going on now.
----------
[Two days later.]
[One would think that with the nearly no violent crime, that Tokyo-3 is
bound to be a safe place to hit up a convenience store for that much-
needed refreshment. And you'd be right, unless you happened to be in the
same convenience store as the Goons. But usually even this was okay, as
the Goons held their sources of Dew in good respect and were adverse to
destroying them without a very good reason.]
[Then again, chaos follows the Goons like scandals follow a politician.]
Andy: (holding five cans) So this one's lizard gizzards, this one's mango
and axle grease, this one's rose blossom and raw beef, this one's
tangerine and guano, and this one's pig's feet with a fish head twist.
(sighs; as if lamenting an infamous crime) Japanese taste buds.
Pen Pen: Wark.
Andy: When I want your opinion I'll--
[As Andy actually sees who made the "comment," his eyes widen. For a
moment, Pen Pen silently stares down the Goon. Then his beak twitches.
Andy whips open the nearest cooler door and yanks the top shelf loose.
Pen Pen is forced to back-pedal as chilled drinks tumble out and smash
on the floor. As he pulls back, he swats at a can sitting on a nearby
display. Andy deflects the projectile, pocketing one of the drinks.]
[His hand comes out gripping a Glock 23, but the bird is out of view.
Andy fades back into the next isle, drawing a second gun, twin to the
first. Out of the corner of his eye, he notes that the clerk is still
wearing a set of headphones and oblivious to the world around him.
Hearing the tinniest of taps, Andy looks up to see a bottle of cheap
shampoo descending upon him. He fires as if on instinct, causing the
plastic container to explode and belch out its contents onto the goon.
Andy ignores this, and levels his pistols at either end of the isle,
looking frantically back and forth, waiting for the attack.]
[Then a thin stream of urine begins pelting him in the head, care of a
certain penguin standing on the top shelf with one leg raised in the
air.]
[Andy holds perfectly still for a second, one eye twitching dangerously.
Then he explodes into motion, swiping at the Pen Pen-shaped hole in the
air. He follows up by emptying both clips so fast that the resulting
sound is more like a powerful machine gun than a pair of pistols.]
Andy: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!
[The contents of the shelf are instantly shredded. Andy sprints for the
counter, eyes peeled. His senses extend before him, probing every inch
of space, totally missing the webbed foot that trips him and sends him
crashing into the counter. He rights himself, dropping his empty weapons
on the counter top, and spies the penguin standing innocently in the
open.]
Andy: (eyes narrow) So...
Pen Pen: (almost a hiss) waaarrrk...
[Andy attacks, Pen Pen dodges. Andy swipes, Pen Pen ducks. Andy jumps
into the air to swap, chop, or squash the bird in one smooth movement.
Pen Pen simply grabs his airborne foot and gives it a good twist, the
sudden change in momentum flinging Andy over the counter this time,
taking both of his abandoned guns with him and unbalancing the large
metal microwave sitting next to them. He hits the floor with a grunt,
then covers his face as the microwave falls straight at his head.]
Andy: (thinking) What is going on here?! I'm the master of my domain,
damn it! (out loud) I AM THE ONE!
[He brushes the microwave off, reloads his guns, and rolls to his feet,
and begins firing at the penguin. Surprisingly, Pen Pen begins firing
back with a SAW. Andy ducks and fires blindly, blowing bags of fried and
bakes good apart and spewing their contents all over the floor. The
high-velocity rounds from the SAW shatters the display of hard liquor
behind the counter. The clerk doesn't even notice, his nose buried in a
text book, head phones still covering his hears. Andy scoots towards the
end of the counter nearer the entrance, emptying the clips of his guns
as he goes. He runs dry just as he reaches the end, pulls out another
pair of Glocks and resumes the barrage while crouched behind cover.]
[But the SAW has stopped firing. Andy waits for a half-second, then pops
out to fire at the first sign of movement. Immediately, he targets and
fires on a small bottle flying right at his face. The bottle shatters,
spraying glass and a red liquid all over his face, especially around his
eyes.]
[He may have chosen a different course of action had he known that was
Tabasco sauce.]
Andy: (clutching at his eyes) AAAAAAHHH! (Ace Ventura style) It burns!
It buuurns!
[Now Pen Pen steps out into the open and rushes Andy. The bird begins
savagely beating the Goon, Andy just defending himself against a barrage
of unfamiliar attacks that blow him about like a leaf in a storm. Pen
Pen follows him around the store, while Andy stumbles into displays of
candy bars and oddly flavored popcorn while trying to dodge punches he
can't even see. Eventually they work their way around the entire store,
and a powerful aerial kick sends Andy over the counter and past the
truly oblivious clerk once more.]
[But even Andy can learn. He's on his feet in an instant, but pauses.
The sound of someone striking a lighter seems to echo through the store
to his ears. And that wetness on the floor. Wasn't that... Andy rubs his
fingers in the substance and brings them to his nose, sniffing and
hoping he still _has_ a sense of smell after that dastardly hot sauce
attack.]
Andy: (brain actually functioning) Booze.
[Pen Pen stands at the door. He raises one flipper in farewell, and
throws a lit Zippo lighter at the pool of flammable liquid. Andy's eyes,
blood shot and wounded as they are, open wide. He grabs the clerk in a
mad dash for the door. Behind him, we see the Zippo descending in
graceful slow-motion until it touches the cocktail on the floor...]
[The Goons sails out of the convenience store and drops into a cover
position on the sidewalk. The clerk stands next to him, still holding
his textbook and wearing those stupid headphones. While Andy puzzles
over why he grabbed the clerk, the expected explosion never comes. Sure,
people on the sidewalk point and stare, but the Maniac hardly notices
that anymore.]
Andy: (drawing another gun, which causes the locals to scatter) Where is
he?
[A black and white blur shoots out of the flaming store, streaks in
front of two cars, and makes the entrance of a small movie theater
across the street. Andy fires wildly, tearing holes the size of oranges
in various cars and walls.]
Andy: (giving chase) YOU'RE MINE!
[Andy skids through the entrance of the theater, ignores the screaming
usher, and spies the women's restroom door banging shut. He's inside in
a flash.]
Various Hot Underwear-Clad Women: EEK! Pervert! Help, police! Get away
from us! Aaaaaah! Oh yes, god, YES! Uhn... uhn... more... (pant pant)
yes! Harder! Harder! Hey, get him out of here! This is the women's
restroom! Don't touch me (gasp) there! (etc.)
[Andy spies a nondescript girl of about fourteen (74-68-81, 154cm tall,
46kg, 92cm bust, black hair, amber eyes, hey! I know the metric
system!), clad in equally nondescript clothing (red--]
----------
Author-John: What... the... _fuck_?
Author-Jared: Do you mind? I've got a fight scene to finish.
Author-John: This isn't a fight scene, this is a peep show!
Author-Jared: I'm just giving the audience what they want.
Author-John: First off, what audience? Second off, if anyone's getting
their measurements plastered all over this fic, it's going to be the
Major's. Thirdly, why am I talking to you about this?
Author-Jared: Why _are_ you talking to me about this? You never have
anything else to say about the story, you ignore my questions, and when
I release an episode that makes no sense because _you've_ been holding
back, you complain!
Author-John: You're trying to make this disaster sound like it's my
fault? I'm the one who wrote episode 8 for crying out loud!
Author-Jared: Jesus--I did half of that fucker!
Author-John: That was just a fight scene!
Author-Jared: I'LL GIVE YOU A FIGHT SCENE! RAAAAARRRRGGHHHH!!!
Author-John: Not the monkey cage!
Monkey: (go to the zoo with a tape recorder, I have better things to do
with my time)
Author-Jared: Get it off! Get it off!
----------
[While they're "discussing" matters, we might as well wrap this up. Any
way, there's this girl, right? And she's hot, right? And dressed to
severely maim, if not kill, and she's holding Pen Pen in a warm
embrace.]
[Get your minds out of the gutter.]
[Andy watches in horror, two sides of his mind warring for control of
his actions. Some people visualize this as an Angel and a Demon, one
perched on each shoulder. As the Goons are hardly people, it should a
little more fucked up.]
[On one of Andy's shoulders a rocket launcher with legs appears.
Improbably, it is smoking a large cigar and speaks in a drill-Sargent
baritone.]
[The other shoulder is graced by a chibi winged flying demon wielding an
ax of fire and a shield of lightning. It has the body of a horse, and
the head of a Sphinx. It speaks in floating stone runes that hover over
Andy's head.]
[Hmm... Make that a LOT more fucked up.]
Rocket Launcher: What are you waiting for, GET THAT PENGUIN!
Demon Thingy: (translated from floating stone runes) They are innocents,
and of the fairer sex. Remove them from this room and then the battle
may recommence.
Andy: (to the Demon) The fuck you say?
[One of the younger girls comes up and starts petting the Demon.]
Innocent Japanese School Girl: Kawaii!
Andy: (makes a face) You can have it.
[The girl squeals and a stampede is caused when she runs out of the
bathroom, the others following, including the one who was holding Pen
Pen just a moment ago.]
Andy: (trampled to the floor) Green light...
Pen Pen: < 0_0 > Waaark...
Andy: (leaping to his feet and power posing) Your ass is MINE!
[Pen Pen dashes for the cover of the toilet stalls. Andy kicks them
down, using the final rounds from his (hopefully) last gun to blast away
the hinges. As the last wall crashes to the floor, the gun clicks empty.
Pen Pen dashes out from under the pile, but Andy catches him with a
wicked soccer kick, and the bird rebounds around the room while Andy
prepares to end this fight with a powerful ki blast.]
Andy: (glowing) RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
[Pen Pen skids to a halt right in front of Andy and flings something at
his face. Andy lets the object bounce harmlessly off his aura before he
realizes what it is; a model of Pen Pen sculpted in C4, with bright red
numbers on the top reading 04...]
[03...]
[02...]
Andy: < o_o > Shit.
[01.]
[A familiar golden glow begins to settle around the Goon just before we
cut to a serene outside view of the movie theater. Curiously, we're
seeing said theater from the inside of a restaurant. An Okonomiyaki bar,
if anyone is asking. And everything is peaceful and quiet and people go
about eating and all hell breaks loose.]
[The theater rips itself apart. Walls make of concrete fold like paper
before the blast. Flames find an exit through the main entrance, debris
billowing out of the structure like pellets out of a shotgun. The entire
south wall is simply gone, the rushing wave of flame furiously
destroying smaller shops in it's path. It halts suddenly, not fifty feet
from the restaurant's windows, spent. Then something comes out of the
wave of destruction. A projectile crashes through the window and comes
to a halt on a hot griddle.]
Andy: (smoking and sizzling) BOOM... Whee... (passes out)
----------
[The next day, in the Goons' Hidden Fortr--er, apartment, Andy and John
are playing video games. John on a portable unit and Andy using the big
screen TV that dominates their tiny living room. Andy is wearing a bath
robe, while John is clad in a sharp black shirt and black pants.]
Andy: I can't believe Jared's still gone.
John: I can't believe you leveled a movie theater in pursuit of a
seabird.
Andy: Not that I care, but where did he go?
John: He went for ice cream.
Andy: He could be anywhere!
John: Hmm... someone tried to shoot down his car before the whole beam
duel thing. At first I just thought it was the author trying to spice up
an otherwise boring scene, but now I'm wondering...
Andy: What?
John: Well, the "no flying" rule doesn't specificy _how_ we fly, it says
no flying _period_.
Andy: Meaning what?
John: I'm not sure, and why do you care anyway?!
Andy: So how does that work?
John: Are you even listening to me?
Andy: Yes! ... I'm sorry, what was the question?
John: Where Jared went--no, how he got--oh fuck it. We don't even know
where he is.
----------
Author-Jared: Coming Soon from Insanity Productions, the third Three
Goons Omake, "TERROR IN OKINAWA!"
----------
[Later that day, Asuka and Shinji slump into their seats at a table in
the cafeteria. Since their more extensive training with the Arrivals
(Episode 7 anyone?), and the antics of said Arrivals in the cafeteria,
the pilots have pretty much been granted a table to call their own. In
their own wing. Sealed off by blast doors. Okay, I was kidding about
those last two. Each sets a large bowl of ramen down on the table and
dig in with real enthusiasm. After a while, Shinji is able to speak
around the food being hoovered into his mouth.]
Shinji: Lately, synch tests are making me so hungry. Almost as much as
training, even though we're just sitting there.
Asuka: (without missing a beat, or a bite) We're using our ki to enhance
our synchronization ratio now, and that's a greater drain on us.
[It takes Shinji a moment to stop choking on his noodles, gulp down some
water, and get his disrupted breathing under control.]
Asuka: Are you okay?
Shinji: (still coughing slightly) We did what with the who now?
Asuka: < o_0 > You _aren't_ okay, are you?
Shinji: How do you know so much about ki?
Asuka: (affectionately) Dummkopf. I had special training. I learned all
about ki a while ago.
[Toji arrives at the table, drops into a seat with a disgusting amount
of energy, and attacks his food.]
Toji: (around mouthfuls of noodles) Muuhhn, yumph gurlg urglurg aag.
Asuka: (disgusted) Excuse me?
Toji: (after swallowing) I said, man you guys sure are fast. (beat) That
was kind of a weird synch test. (finally notices the looks on Asuka and
Shinji's faces) Are you guys okay?
Asuka: Don't you feel a little tired?
Toji: Not at all! I feel like a billion yen, in fact! (quickly) Why?
Asuka: Oh, just... no reason.
Toji: (musing) I hope this practice does some us good.
Asuka: Don't want to be caught unprepared like last time?
Shinji: (quickly) I think he did fine. No-one got away from that Angel.
Even the Americans got their Evas smashed up.
Asuka: (hotly) You mean _my_ Eva! And who the hell let that... that
BRUTE take _my_... (expression goes blank)
John: (remembered voice-over) They were there first, Asuka.
Asuka: (thinking) We were tired today.
John: (remembered voice-over) Try "because I'm not cooperating with it."
Asuka: (thinking) We used our ki to boost our synch ratio... (out loud)
Toji, do you... what is it like... when you synchronize with your Eva?
Toji: (obviously confused) What is it like?
Asuka: Yeah. What happens? How do you feel?
Toji: Well...
[Both Shinji and Asuka lean forward to hear his answer.]
[The Author fervently prays he won't wind up copying more dialog from
Song of the Soul.]
Toji: First, there's light. It's really... messy. All colors and shapes,
but nothing that you can see--you can't tell one from the other. Then
things get... sharper, and right then, there's a kind of double-vision.
It's like I'm in two places at once, doing two things at once. Then
everything's normal, and I'm sitting in the Eva. That's it. Why?
[Asuka and Shinji exchange a Meaningful Look(tm).]
Asuka: It's the same for us.
[Shinji gives her a covert "are you INSANE?!" look. She shrugs in
response.]
Asuka: (mouthing silently to Shinji) I'll tell you later.
Toji: Hey, that big guy--Mucha?--he mentioned something about Aida's
"eminent doom." Any idea what he's talking about?
Asuka: Knowing him, probably a large explosion.
Shinji: I wonder where the Americans are. I haven't seen them all day.
Asuka: You can track them on your Mini-MAGI, you know.
Toji: Really? That's pretty sweet. Can it double as a cell-phone?
Asuka: Nope. Only NERV frequencies.
[Asuka taps her Mini-MAGI and begins showing off some programs. We fade
out as the conversation moves into the realm of pointless banter no
longer needed to pad this episode's length.]
----------
[The next day, in the Goons' Flying--uh, their apartment, place...
thingy. The front door slides open, admitting a dozen or so massive bags
with a classic "I <heart> Okinawa" logo boldly printed on them. Jared
follows the bags inside. He's wearing a Osaka Tigers jersey that has his
name on the back, and the number "69" on the front, matched to a pair of
faded Levi jeans. A black cap with the "I <heart> Okinawa" logo matching
the bags, keeps his wild hair under something near control.]
Jared: < ^_^ > Hey guys! I'm back!
Andy: (uncommunicative grunt) ...
John: (without looking up from his lunch) What took you?
Jared: (oblivious) What do you mean? I came back a day early. (drops the
bags and scoops up the others in a hug) I missed you guys!
John & Andy: < -_- > Let. Go.
[He does so, idly dodging the mad swipes Andy makes at him as he backs
away, and starts rummaging through the bags.]
John: (holding Andy by the collar) Where's the ice cream?
Jared: < o_0 > Ice cream? What ice cream?
John: Jared, think carefully. Why did you leave in the first place?
Jared: ...
Jared: ...
Jared: ...
Jared: ... < 0_0 > (claws at the heavens) I KNEW I FORGOT SOMETHING!
Misato: (from next door) Keep it down! I've got a late shift tonight!
Jared: (at the wall separating them from apartment 724) SORRY! (to his
"friends") Anyway, I got you guys stuff!
John & Andy: (completely without enthusiasm of any kind) Yay.
[Over the next twenty seconds, Jared empties two of his twelve bags on
John and Andy. They are coated in a variety of novelty T-shirts, wearing
propeller beanies, holding "I <heart> Okinawa" mugs, ornate miniature
Chinese dragon figurines, decorative shot glasses, and an array of
postcards. Andy gets a miniature pagoda, complete with miniature ninja
figurines and a pop-up missile battery, all 1/12th scale. John receives
a large key with the kanji for "Okinawa" embossed onto the side. Andy
gets a novelty map of ancient Okinawa and a poster of different kinds of
fish that can be caught in off the coast. John is given a piece of wood
with a label identifying it as part of an ancient Karate dojo, a mirror
with an I-Ching design, and a Chinese New Year's dragon costume.
Numerous other gifts, ranging from the bizarre to the insulting, finally
litter their forms.]
Jared: (pushing the other ten full bags of "gifts" down the hallway) I
hope you like 'em!
John & Andy: (completely without enthusiasm of any kind) Thanks.
[The... stuff is put away rather quickly, the games turned off, and a
round of regular 'Dew poured.]
Jared: So, what's goin' down?
John: The Twelfth.
Jared: Hm... that's a hard one.
Andy: Simple. Gather all of our existing nine hundred and ninety-two N2
mines and be prepared to detonate them once the Angel has swallowed
them.
Jared: We don't know if the Angel will even be the same thing.
John: I counter that argument. The Angels have been sticking fairly
close to their original forms. I suspect it will have the same
space-warping ability its... predecessor?
Andy: Archetype.
[Weird looks are directed at Andy.]
Jared: We can't rely exclusively on that! We've altered this universe
too much.
Andy: (suspicious look at Jared) Agreed, son of Waddell. We should just
use the mines. (blinks) Why haven't we done that yet?
[John and Jared give Andy the usual look.]
Andy: What?
John: We've wrecked enough of the city, Mucha.
Jared: What about equipping the Evas with a device to counter the
Angel's reality-shifting properties?
Andy: Yes, a device to invert the inversion, make the Angel real, and
allow us to conquer it using conventional weapons! (to Jared) And quit
stealing my ideas!
[Jared shrugs helplessly, which only serves to raise Andy's blood
pressure a few dozen points.]
John: I like that idea, but what will it take to assemble such a
device? You two have already wasted much valuable time. The Evas are all
repaired. It could attack any day now.
Jared: Hold the phone, chicken little. I have an idea. We can affect AT
Fields directly using our ki, Right? And the Angel uses it's AT Field to
warp space-time. I propose that we practice a counter-warp technique
that can work inside the Evas. Then we all stay in different parts of
the city so that the Angel can't swallow all three of us at the same
time. Whoever is left jumps in their Eva, reverses the fold, and we take
it out as Andy suggests.
[Andy glares at Jared for coming up with a good idea.]
John: That's a terrible idea. How could we ever learn how to do that?
You have a handy space-time warping device you haven't told us about?
Jared: No, of course not. I'm saying we can master a technique so we
won't have to build one!
John: ... What's that going to take?
[Jared enters Deep Thought for a moment, then retrieves a single sheet
of paper from the depths of the laboratory and places it on the table.
Then he puts his hand over it, fingers extended and palm down. There is
the sense of _something_ focusing on the paper, then the edges curl up
of their own accord.]
John: Nice trick, how's that going to help us?
Jared: (still thinking) It won't. That's just a demonstration of the
concept. It would take months, if not years, to master a technique to
warp the universe itself. That is, assuming it's even possible.
[Andy puts his hand over the paper.]
John: Until a few months ago, it was impossible for anyone to throw ki
blasts.
Jared: (not listening) Hmm... Andy, are you sure you know what you're
doing?
Andy: Bah! Let me show you how it is done, mortal!
[Andy's eyes focus intently on the dead tree, but the sense of
something... otherworldly focusing on the paper is not nearly as strong.
After several minutes of grunting, the paper refuses to budge.]
John: (takes Andy's position) Step aside.
[John, without putting his hand over the paper, looks at. Andy stares at
his hand for a while, then glares at Jared, who is again lost in
thought.]
[Moments pass in silence.]
John: I can't see how you did it.
Jared: You can't do your copycat thing?
John: (shrugs) Perfectly, but I can't scale up the power, nor apply it
to warping space unless you can first.
Jared: And if I can, there's no need to use it. (gets teary-eyed) Well,
there goes my Great Plan.
John: (pats Jared warmly on the back) That's okay; it never had a chance
away. Stillborn and DOA, from a diseased mind--
Jared: Hey, now.
John: (continuing) Crippled from the womb, misshapen and shunned. Never
had a chance--
Jared: Watch it, buddy.
John: (continuing) Euthanized, put down like the diseased carcass it
is--
Jared: Hey!
Andy: (musing) A Fatal Flash my have the power to--
John: But I _want_ the world to be here when we're done, Mucha!
Andy: (pouting) Spoil sport!
[Jared resumes looking at the paper speculatively.]
John: There's gotta be something we can do about this one.
Andy: (jerking a thumb in the Jared's direction) Why don't we just throw
him in?
[John glares at Andy, who glared at Jared before throwing his hands in
the air and stalking to his room.]
John: That's the best you can come up with?
Jared: (shrugs) That's about all there is to do. The Twelfth doesn't
have much in the way of weaknesses.
John: Subject change, what's up with Andy and you?
Jared: You mean him choking on the fetid waters of his own despair under
the humiliating bridge of his crushing defeat?
John: ... What does that even mean?
Jared: No idea. I think Andy wants to resume... The Duel.
[Thunder crashes across a cloudless sky. The creepy old man in 622
hammers some ominous notes out of his pipe organ.]
John: ... If this ends up anything like that mess in the park back home,
I am going to break every bone in your body, and then hand you over to
the Major for a proper ass-kicking. Consider that a Promise.
Jared: Consider it Considered. This will be nothing like the Park
Incident.
John: I... won't take your word for it.
[Andy leaves via the window.]
John: (musing aloud) Psycho Sensei?
[Jared shrugs.]
Jared: It'll re-grow.
John: Life-less! Rocky! Plain!
Jared: (weak smile) It'll eventually re-grow?
[John snorts in disgust, then stands.]
John: I'm going to finish my game.
[Jared sighs and takes to the skies via the balcony.]
----------
[A short while later, in the Eva Graveyard. Andy Mucha enters through
one of the access doors, cursing the lack of a proper ventilation duct.
His ramblings die out once he turns on a few lights. For the next
fifteen minutes, he stands on one of the catwalks and contemplates the
many not-dead, not-alive things laid out on the floor of the immense
room.]
----------
[That evening, Jared is working his way out of the lower levels of
NERV.]
Jared: (mumbling to himself) Well, now I know the research department
doesn't have anything... (words drown out by the air conditioning)
[He pauses before yet another nondescript elevator, his "uniform" of
black-on-black ruffling slightly in the breeze. While Jared looks for
the ventilation duct blowing on him, the doors open. He steps inside,
completely oblivious to the fact that the elevator is occupied.]
Rei: excuse me, wa--
Jared: (pressed up against the wall opposite the elevator, pointing two
Desert Eagle Action Express .50 pistols at the girl standing in the
supposed-to-be-empty elevator) Don't DO that!
Rei: (in the elevator) why not?
Jared: (reluctantly putting his away his firearms) Because at this rate,
you'll likely end up in the hospital with a pound of AP ammo replacing
some internal organs.
[So....]
Jared: ... Eheheheheheheheh...
Rei: ...
Rei: ...
Jared: Little joke there.
Rei: ...
Rei: ...
Rei: ...
Jared: Did you want something?
Rei: (steps off the elevator a half-second before the doors close) who
are you?
Jared: I am the Second Goon, chosen by the Winds of Fate, the Power of
Dew, and perhaps, just perhaps, a man named Hideaki Anno. I am here to
kick ass and look cool. Any questions?
Rei: you didn't answer my first one.
Jared: I'm sorry, dear. You need to go deeper than just that if you want
more than the back-of-the-video-box explanation.
Rei: (blinks) ...
Jared: (sighs the Sigh of the Doomed) Let's start from the beginning:
What did I do?
Rei: ...
Jared: ...
Rei: you didn't answer my question.
Jared: Who am I?
Rei: ...
Jared: (sighs) I appreciate the attention, I really do. But... this is
not a subject I feel comfortable discussing with you.
Rei: ...
Jared: You're not gonna cry now, are you?
Rei: ...
Jared: (punches the elevator button) Well, I guess that's that.
[The elevator doors open a second later, admitting the Goon. He turns
to face the first child, who still stands in the hall, watching him.]
Jared: (looks around the empty elevator; sighs; holds out a piece of
candy) C'mere, little girl...
[That is SO wrong, even though it's not meant to be.]
----------
[A dozen levels up, and a few minutes later, Jared and Rei enter a NERV
cafeteria. Extras run for cover. Goon and clone casually make their
selections and sit down with food, and no-one is dead yet.]
Jared: What's up, Rei? I mean, seriously.
Rei: (English) nothing.
Jared: (polite golf-clap) Impressive. Ready to try it out on John?
Rei: ... maybe.
Jared: So, what's up?
Rei: who are you?
Jared: Is that it? I thought you were going to mess with my head.
Rei: i just want to know who you are.
Jared: You can probably get access to my file easily enough. Is there...
something else you'd like to know? Something... private?
Rei: i just want to know who you are.
Jared: This is getting old.
Rei: you almost never talk to me.
Jared: You almost never put out.
Rei: ... who are you?
Jared: What?! What is with that! I'm Jared! If that's not enough, be
more specific!
Rei: i want to get to know you. genoni-oniisan gave me a list of
questions i should ask you if i do not make progress on my own.
Jared: I'm hearing warning bells, girl.
Rei: will you answer a few questions?
Jared: WARNING BELLS!
Rei: ...
Jared: With the ringing!
Rei: ...
Jared: Fine! But don't blame me if someone gets killed!
Rei: ...
Jared: ...
Rei: ...
Jared: ...
Rei: ...
Jared: What?
Rei: is that a yes?
Jared: Yes!
Rei: (pumps a fist in the air) alright. (pulls out her notebook and
begins reading questions from it, making notes as Jared answers) what do
you fear?
Jared: Waking up one day and finding that humanity has been reduced to
thin orange goo.
Rei: who do you love?
Jared: (big grin) I have enough love for everyone.
Rei: what was her name?
Jared: ... You're a prying, devious little sneak. (points at a cinnamon
roll on Rei's plate) You gonna finish that?
[Rei imitates a growling dog. Granted, her form of a growl would turn a
pitbull on amphetamines into a narcoleptic sloth, but Jared withdraws
his hand anyway.]
Rei: are you happy?
Jared: In the immediate gratification sense, no. I'm quite tired and
you're holding a cinnamon roll that poets write about hostage. In the
long-term, satisfied with my life sense, sort-of.
Rei: where do you see yourself in five years?
Jared: Probably in pose #317. Gotta dislocate a few back vertebrae
first, but once you get moving, your partner's breasts... you know what,
I don't care if you're a clone of Shinji's mom with phenomenal God-like
powers, you're too young to hear about position 317. Umm... I see myself
poised to drag my friends back to reality yet again and defeat an
ultimate evil born of our carelessness years ago, and yadda yadda yadda,
or something along those lines.
Rei: why are you fighting mucha?
Jared: Who says I'm fighting him? < ^_^ > I maintain that people keep
attacking me for no good reason and I'm just defending myself in the
most peaceful way possible.
Rei: if you were a plant, what kind of plant would you be?
Jared: A cactu--a very pretty flower.
Rei: why a cactus?
Jared: Grr... (to himself) I must be more exhausted than I thought.
Fucking jet-lag. (to Rei) Look, I said flower, so--
Rei: you were about to say cactus.
Jared: ... Let's call it a flowering cactus.
Rei: ...
Jared: (sighs) Okay, I'd want to be a flowering cactus so women can fawn
over me all day... and they don't have to worry about watering me too
much. I don't want to be a burden.
Rei: ...
Jared: Next. Question.
Rei: why have you not tried to sleep with me?
Jared: < o_0 > I... I... (leans in and whispers to Rei conspiratorially)
Because I kind of think of you like a little sister, and I'm just not
wired to fuck family, ok? I think we all--Andy and John and myself, of
course--think of you as a kind of little sister. I protect you, Andy is
bugged by you, and John is teaching you about the big bad world. Or
something. Gee, where did that needless exposition come from?
[*cough*]
Rei: (flips to the next page in her notebook) what is your favorite
color?
Jared: Blue.
Rei: how many pairs of socks do you own?
Jared: Several.
Rei: would you kill a man over cheese?
Jared: Depends on the man.
Rei: how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck
wood?
Jared: A wood chuck would chuck as much wood as a wood chuck could
chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood.
Rei: what is a rough approximation of pi?
Jared: Twenty-two over seven.
Rei: did you love her?
Jared: Of course I loved her! I threw away an entire life for her! I
lived for her! I'm here in her memory! (pauses) Sorry, that was uncalled
for.
Rei: it's okay.
Jared: (weird look at the girl) ...
Rei: what do you think of Asuka?
Jared: (melancholy sigh) ...
Rei: what is the secret to cold fusion?
Jared: (this-is-obvious-to-any-idiot) Getting rid of the scientists.
(irritated) Is there a _point_ to this?!
Rei: if you could change one thing in the past, any one thing at all,
what would it be?
Jared: I accept the past. I wouldn't change anything.
Rei: if you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?
Jared: Spend it.
Rei: on what?
Jared: Something that costs a million dollars.
Rei: ... like what?
Jared: Fuck, I don't know.
Rei: ...
Jared: ...
Rei: ... (looks at the questions, sighs) i still don't know who you are.
[Jared rises up in his seat, surrounded by a glowing red aura. His eyes
burn with hellfire as he fixes his incendiary gaze upon the pale girl on
the other side of the table. The tableau holds for a moment, then the
Goon deflates into his seat.]
Jared: Rei, you can't just ask a bunch of silly questions and "know"
somebody. The answers you write down have nothing to do with the person.
They're just words. If you want to know somebody, pay attention to the
person. Observe, learn... well, okay. That hasn't worked out so well for
you in the past. But this (points at the notebook) this is like a
mind-game that John is playing with you. It pisses me off to see that he
knows so little about human relations and he's still trying to teach
you-- (closes his mouth as his eyes go wide in realization; under his
breath) That sneaky son of a bitch.
Rei: ...
Jared: ...
Rei: ...
Jared: (speculatively) Rei, have you ever grabbed a sturdy wooden stick
and used it to violently hit a small, fast-moving object inside of a
metal cage?
Rei: ... i do not think so.
Jared: Very well! (power pose) To the batting cages, then! For
refreshments! For fun! For _good_ conversation!
[And lo, did Rei learn about handling shafts and balls!]
[Sorry, you didn't deserve that. But seriously, in a scene with Jared?
What did you expect?]
----------
[The next day, a sunny Friday, the Goons arrive in their office one at a
time. Jared shows up first, sporting numerous bandages. Andy comes in
ten minutes later, glares murderously at Jared for five minutes, then
ignores him for another twenty until John arrives and regals the captive
(read: he tied them up so the won't fight with each other or interrupt
his story) pair with tales of daring and enduring that chronicle his
Journey to The Office.]
John: (finishing) ... and that was pretty much that.
Andy: (tossing aside his ropes, chains, and wards) Good thing that pay
phone was nearby.
Jared: (pulling off his Hannibal Lecter getup) So, that's why you were
so long in getting here.
John: (eyes Jared) Yep. So... what's with the bruises?
Jared: It turns out batting cage proprietors swear revenge blood-oaths
on those who harm their livelihood.
[Jared glances at Andy, who turns his nose up and grunts. John shrugs.]
John: Well, anyway, I'd really like to know who keeps playing with the
power system...
[The two younger Goons both stare at Andy.]
Andy: What? Ritsuko set up those fucking booby traps!
Jared: No, they're wired separately. But on a related note, John, I'm
amazed you haven't taken to using one of those things as your chosen
bizarre martial arts weapon.
Andy: What things?
John: (rubbing the bridge of his nose) This ought to be good.
[With a grin, Jared grabs the phone from his desk, pulls out about five
feet of cord, then begins swinging the device around his head like a
sling shot. The other Goons duck on the first pass and remain crouched
on the floor. Andy is taking notes; John is wondering what to have for
dinner. It is Friday, after all.]
Jared: (near Lecture Mode) See, it's all in the wrist!
[At that moment, fate (me) intervenes. Shinji opens the door, marching
straight into the office, his mouth open and about to ask something of
the Goons.]
[THWAK!]
[THUD.]
Andy: (as if finally understanding a great mystery) So _that's_ what
those strange devices are for...
John: (glares at Andy, but talks to Jared) Jared. Please. Do not. Kill.
The Main Character.
Jared: (looking at the dented phone thoughtfully) Hmm... he didn't even
have a chance to whine.
[John looks tempted to agree with Jared, but shakes off the feeling and
gets down to business with the unconscious Shinji propped in the closet
(again).]
John: So, we've got some important matters to attend to here. For
starters, how goes the plans to defeat the Twelfth Angel?
Jared: I've got a new idea.
John: Let's hear it.
Jared: It isn't finished yet.
John: That's okay. Tell us what you have so far.
Jared: We beat it up.
John: ... How?
Jared: I haven't figured that out yet. But we do it without dealing with
its field.
John: (coldly) I can tell.
Jared: Well, the Angel has a physical body. Once we get at it, killing
it shouldn't prove much of a problem.
Andy: Yes, simple plans are the best. The complex a plan, the more...
fragile it becomes.
John: Hm... well, I guess that makes sense. (offers Jared a doggy
biscuit) Good boy.
Jared: Thanks, but I have to be going. Kensuke gets his orientation
today.
John: Oh, that's right. We get to break the news to him. I'll have the
ID camera ready and everything. Andy, you got the informational packet?
[Andy holds up a thick envelope with the kanji "WELCOME TO NERV" stamped
on the side in red ink.]
John: (Mr. Burns style) Excellent.
----------
TbC.
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