Having nobody to blame but Ares, the United States Government, and the
entire Bluth family for the delay, I present to you in all its tardy
glory the second chapter of the OAV 42 presentation of "... And Justice
For All?" No animals were harmed in the writing of this MST, and the
author has given his approval, although I don't have a hanko to show for
it.


REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS:
... AND JUSTICE FOR ALL?
THE OAVing part 2

NACHO: How's everybody doing?

ACE: Note from teacher.

SHEILA: Dear Old Uncle Draco?!

JUNK: It's okay, Doughnut. We're going to keep you far away from Mum
from now on.

NACHO: Still thinking about "... And Justice For All?"

SHEILA: You'd better believe it. There was something very wrong in that
story.

NACHO: Well, I'm sure the next chapter will explain some of it.

ACE: And that's probably the most wrong part of all. There's a next
chapter. We could stop now and just completely forget about Duncan's
newly-discovered magic power, and Dear Old Uncle Draco...

NACHO: (raises eyebrow)

ACE: *sigh* You're right. Let's read another chapter.

<BEGIN FANFIC>

Let's try this again.  I should probably also mention at this point
that this fic is not HBP-compliant.

ACE: NOW he tells us!

SHEILA: Frankly, I don't think "Dear Old Uncle Draco" was even
Sorcerer's Stone-compliant.

                      AND JUSTICE FOR ALL?

NACHO: Truth and the American Way were outvoted.

                      by Scott K. Jamison

ACE: It has to be legit... he shares J. K. Rowling's middle initial.

(Harry Potter and its associated characters created by J. K.
Rowling.  No infringement is intended or should be assumed.)

SHEILA: None of the Harry Potter characters chose to be in this fanfic.
They were created that way.

            Chapter Two:  Brokeness Is What I Long For

NACHO: (singing) The best things in life are free...

ACE: (singing) That's all that I will ever see...

BOTH: (singing) Brokeness... that's what I wa-a-a-ant.

SHEILA: Harry and Draco finally realize their love for each other and
have a touching yet tragic relationship that leads to them becoming dear
friends and warping Draco's personality into Dear Old Uncle Draco. See
the tale of two men finding love in the last place they expected...
Brokeness Mountain.

     "Uncle...Draco?"  Duncan was fairly certain he'd never heard
of such a person.

ALL: Neither have we!

Of course, he hadn't heard of any living aunts or
uncles on his father's side.

SHEILA: After the immense failure that was Dudley, Vernon and Petunia
just didn't have it in them to try again.

JUNK: I'm amazed they managed once.

     "Indeed."  The intruder removed his hat, revealing a fall of
white-blond hair to his shoulders, and starlingly pale blue eyes.

ACE: Ack! Draco turned into his father!

"Draco Regnus Malfoy, Professor of Divination at Hogwarts School
for Witches and Wizards, at your service."

NACHO: This sends Harry Potter purists racing to their notes to see
whether that middle name is canon.

SHEILA: And how'd he manage to be professor of Divination? Wasn't that
one of the classes he didn't bother to take?

NACHO: He foresaw where the big Galleons were.

     The voice was tauntingly familiar to Duncan, with a slight
drawl and an almost inhuman smoothness.

SHEILA: <Draco> Y'all come with me now, hun. We'll git y'all fixed up
quicker'n you c'n shake a cow's tail.

But still the man himself
escaped memory.

     "You're not his uncle," said Mum quietly, with a cold tinge of
fear in her voice.

NACHO: Well, that would explain why Duncan can't remember him.

"There aren't any Dracos in the family."

ACE: Just a couple of lesser serpents and some rather fat toads.

NACHO: <Dudley> Ribbit.

     The intruder's smile didn't waver.  "Perhaps not uncle by
blood, but my dear companion Harry was raised as Dudley's brother,

SHEILA: As the Abel to his Cain, maybe.

and as we are so close, his relatives I think of as mine.

NACHO: <Draco> My sentences when necessary I reverse.

Come now,
I even came to the christening."

NACHO: There can be only one Messiah.

     Who was Harry? wondered Duncan, and how come Da never mentioned
him before?

ACE: <Mr. Henderson> We released him back into the wild after he
destroyed our house.

     Mum stiffened.

JUNK: <Duncan> Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! (covers vital parts)

"I remember now. You *were* at the christening.

SHEILA: <Zelda> You were the one turning everyone inside-out and hanging
them from the rafters!

I remember those eyes.  But you were dressed in a proper suit then."

ACE: <Draco> The Ronald McDonald look is coming back. I'm just ahead of
the times.

NACHO: If this turns into a Burlington Coat Factory ad, I'm out of here.

     "D'you think wizards are born in robes?  I can carry off Saville
Row as well as any Muggle.

SHEILA: Granted, when he does it, he lifts the whole street into the air
by magic and floats it away...

And yon hulk," said Draco, pointing to
Da, "would no doubt have forbidden me from entering if he'd known
what I was."

NACHO: So? You're a wizard, not a vampire.

     Duncan mustered his courage.  "Please, sir, what *are* you, and
why did Da say you were a freak?"

SHEILA: <Duncan> And can I have some more?

     "'Freak'?"  The intruder's pale eyebrows shot up.

NACHO: <Draco> You're one of us. One of us! One of us! One of us!

"You and I
are the normal ones, Duncan, my lad.

SHEILA: <Draco> *looks Doughnut up and down* Well, I'm normal, at any
rate.

*They*, the Muggles, are the
freaks, born without the natural ability to use magic."

ACE: Ah, I see. That IS the Draco we know and loathe.

     "But, but I can't use magic!

NACHO: <Duncan> I bought that "Learn to use Magic" kit and couldn't even
figure out how to open the box!

Magic doesn't exist!  Da said
so, it's just a trick to make people think their lives can be
better."

ACE: <Draco> No, you're thinking of religion. Magic makes people's lives
better, which is why they think it's just a trick.

     Draco turned to look down at Da.  "Poor, bitter man.  I really
had no idea.

NACHO: <Draco> I thought you would be rich and sweet. Then I realized I
was thinking of cinnamon rolls.

You saw the golden griffin soar, and made yourself
blind rather than admit it."

ACE: <Dudley> Made myself nothing! That damn griffin scratched my eyes
out!

SHEILA: <Dudley> That's why my son's genetically predisposed to hurl his
at bullies!

There was genuine pity in his voice,
and for the first time Duncan truly believed that the visitor wasn't
harmful.

NACHO: His deception complete, Draco proceeded to disembowel them all.

     Draco looked at Duncan again.  "No, you can't actually *use*
magic yet, not properly, at any rate.

ACE: <Draco> First, you'll need this "magic meter". It stores your MP.
Press the L and R buttons to choose a spell, and X to cast it. Pick up
these blue bottles to restore your MP and continue casting spells.

But I'll wager there have
been incidents when things happened around you, things you could
neither explain nor ignore.  Indeed, I will go so far as to guess
that one happened today."

ACE: <Duncan> Yeah... a black-robed guy showed up on my doorstep and
told me magic was real.

     The note tucked inside Duncan's pocket, long forgotten, suddenly
felt like a ton of lead.

NACHO: <Draco> Whoops... that Plumbium Charm was supposed to be a prank
for your father. I'll just turn that into gold later.

"Yes.  Sorry, Mum.  I was going to tell
you about it later, after the party."

SHEILA: So he planned his schedule around his dad's birthday party, but
didn't remember to get him a present? Pants on fire, Doughnut.

     "It's all right, Duncan, my sweet, my precious, my one and
only son."

NACHO: And she smothers him with kisses. To the death.

ACE: <Zelda> We won't let the nasty wizard have the precious.

She stroked his hair reassuringly, then looked straight
into Draco's eyes.

     "You can't have him.

JUNK: <Draco> Don't worry, Ma'am. You'll still have exclusive rights to
the contents of his trousers.

I didn't really believe before, when
Dudley told me, but I understand now.

NACHO: <Zelda> I couldn't trust my beloved husband, but the stranger on
my doorstep's word is good enough for me!

You want to take my son away,
make him into one of you, lost to me forever.  NO!"

SHEILA: <Zelda> My son will NEVER be a Goth!

ACE: <Dudley> I knew I shouldn't have let her read that religious
pamphlet.

     A darkness passed over Draco's face.  "Contemptib--"  He coughed
behind a fist.

ACE: <Zelda> Did he just say "bullfinch?"

"My *dear* woman.

NACHO: <Duncan> You turned my mum into a doe!

ACE: <Draco> Rats! I always do that!

SHEILA: <Duncan> Squeak!

JUNK: <Draco> Aw, nuts!

Duncan is already a wizard.

NACHO: <Draco> I'm here to help him choose a subclass to level up.

But
if he is not trained in the use of his powers, if left in the outer
darkness,

SHEILA: He'll sweep out an orbit and become classified as a planet.

the boy's magic will be uncontrolled, growing and attacking
those around him.  There will almost certainly be deaths."

NACHO: <Draco> And cakes.

     Mum shuddered.

     "Mum?"  Duncan wriggled out of her embrace.

JUNK: <Duncan> Can you PLEASE do that on your own time? And with Da?

"I believe Uncle
Draco.  If learning how to use magic will help me not hurt people,
then I have to learn magic."

NACHO: <Duncan> And if learning how to use magic will help me hurt
people... then I REALLY have to learn magic.

     Mum nodded, tears running down her cheeks.  "But your father
will never agree."

SHEILA: <Zelda> He wants you to hurt people.

     "Then, Zelda (may I call you that?),

ALL: <Zelda> No.

you will simply have to
change your husband's mind.

NACHO: <Samuel Johnson> A woman who can change her husband's mind is
like a dog who can cast magic - rare enough to be considered a work of
pure fiction!

After all, his parents were
eventually...persuaded to let Harry attend."

SHEILA: Did he just "dot dot dot" the torture? You can't "dot dot dot"
torture!

JUNK: Sure you can. I invited a girl back to my place, we went to the
bedroom, dot dot dot, and I never saw her again.

     "Who's Harry?" asked Duncan, still confused.

ACE: You mean there's someone in the world who hasn't heard of Harry
Potter? Let me in there! I want to shake his hand and then kill him
while he's still pure!

     Draco acted surprised, but Duncan could tell he really wasn't.

NACHO: The "Gasp! Oh, my goodness! How could you possibly not know?
That's, like, totally astonishing!" would have convinced him had Draco
not added "Psyche!"

"They haven't told you?  Not told you about Harry Potter, the hero?

ACE: <Duncan> Oh, Harry POTTER. The one who killed a bunch of people,
went mad, placed a curse on anyone who would dare to use magic that
would make their nadgers fall off, and then cut his own head off, not
necessarily in that order?

The one who finally defeated Voldemort once and for all?

SHEILA: Do we need a [spoiler] tag here?

My very
best friend in the world?

ALL: (blink)

NACHO: Okay, forget "dear old uncle Draco". THIS is the most
out-of-character line in the history of history.

JUNK: Why do I have the funny feeling he's two seconds from tearing
Duncan's clothes off and raping him to mutual enjoyment?

NACHO: No, Junk... this author's a man.

SHEILA: (smacks Nacho)

No matter, you'll hear all about him at
Hogwarts, and perhaps you'll even get to meet him."

ACE: And this is why he's never learned anything about Harry Potter.
It's the parents' responsibility to teach him, but they always insist on
leaving it to the school system, and then complain about the quality of
his education.

    There was rapping at the window again, and Draco stalked over to
it, opening the pane.

NACHO: 'Twas a raven, coming in from the rain on that misty night of
yore.

ACE: The black befeathered bird would fain from without come indoors.

NACHO: Quoth Professor Draco, "You'll get yours!"

A small gray owl flew in, and dropped a letter
in Duncan's hands.

JUNK: The owl covered his hands with P, leaving him to clean up the
mess.

It was perhaps the first time he'd ever held a
physical letter addressed directly to him.

SHEILA: But he always staggered home under the weight of his CC'ed
E-mails.

    "There," said Draco, smoothing his robes.  "That'll be your
invitation to Hogwarts.

JUNK: <Duncan> In your robes? I've got enough STDs, thanks.

I'll drop by again in a few weeks to help
you get your school things.

ACE: Because every young wizard needs someone to make fun of how poor he
is while he shops at the Knut-n-Sickle.

I really must be going now."  And with
that, the wizard plopped his hat on his head and vanished.

ACE: <Draco> Knew I should have paid to have the brim tightened...
anyone want to help me out of this thing?

NACHO: Looks like he swapped hats with Simon the Sorcerer.

    Da stirred and groaned.  Mum rushed over and began fussing over
him.

JUNK: <Duncan> For reality's sake, Mum, he's injured! Can't you at least
wait until I'm gone?

    After a moment, Da pulled himself to a leaning position on Mum's
shoulder.  His eyes narrowed as he looked at the letter.

ACE: <Dudley> Hello Kitty stationery? Someone's in denial.

"I heard
every thing that was said, boy.

NACHO: Yet I chose to read the letter just to make sure I understood it
all.

If you go to this school for
freaks, you needn't come back."

SHEILA: <Duncan> Is that a promise?

    "Now, Dudley,--"

    "Don't 'now' me, Zelda!

NACHO: I'll defeat Ganon when I'm good and ready! I need to complete
this sidequest and get the Deku Stick upgrade first!

You have no idea of the hell we were put
through with the last freak--"

ACE: <Dudley> The pile of headless chickens was taller than our house.

    "This is our *son*!

SHEILA: <Zelda> This is our son with magical powers. (smashes egg with
frying pan) Any questions?

And don't you go accusing me again, I've
never even met your damned cousin!"

JUNK: <Dudley> Obviously! If you had, you never would have had that
affair with our son!

NACHO: What, exactly, is he accusing her of?

ACE: (shrugs) Eating his birthday cake herself, probably. Notice it
never showed up?

     This was obviously going to be going on for a while, so Duncan
made up a small plate and went to his room.

SHEILA: He'd locked the door before he realized he'd forgotten to put
food on the plate.

He kind of wished he
believed in a god, so he could pray for advice.

NACHO: Oh, the god can be anything. A rock, or a tree.

But no, he was going
to have to figure this one out on his own.

ACE: He's doomed.

     TO BE CONTINUED

SHEILA: Looks like he's got plenty of time to think about it.

SKJAM!
"We like to keep all our baddies in one place, for easier
management."--Sluggy Freelance

NACHO: Which is why the government remains in Washington, D.C.

ACE: Ooh, careful... too many jokes like that, and they'll shut us down.

NACHO: It's a bit late for that. The chapter's over.

<END FANFIC>

NACHO: So, ladies and gentlemen, what have we learned today?

JUNK: Never get between a mother and her love child.

SHEILA: A character is never so far out of character that they can't get
more so.

ACE: Dudley can deliver riffs even when he's unconscious through most of
the chapter.

NACHO: Well, it looks like we're no closer to an explanation of exactly
what transpired between Draco and Harry, or how Duncan came to have
magical powers.

ACE: I'd settle for an explanation of what "brokeness" had to do with
that chapter at all.

SHEILA: Or when "justice" is going to be putting in an appearance.

JUNK: And when "chlamydia" finally becomes part of Duncan's life.

NACHO: Well, given that this IS a Harry Potter fanfic, I'm sure he'll
get to "Hogwarts" eventually... and there will have to be some answers
there.

ACE: Not if Dumbledore's still in charge. I take it this story is at
least compatible with Order of the "Oh, I'm an idiot, that's why I never
told you who was a bad guy and what you should REALLY have been doing to
protect yourself."

NACHO: Now THAT'S a [spoiler].

ACE: Speaking of spoiling, this review's going to pass its expiration
date if we don't get it posted soon. One of our jokes already went
obsolete and had to be changed.

NACHO: Right you are. Stay tuned for the next chapter, everyone!

REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS IS:
NIDOKING

... AND JUSTICE FOR ALL? is by Scott K. "SKJAM" Jamison

-

"... But I'll wager there have
been incidents when things happened around you, things you could
neither explain nor ignore.  Indeed, I will go so far as to guess
that one happened today."


Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do
it himself.

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