***********************************************************************

        Everyone in the waiting room could hear the sound of Chouji
hitting something hard, but it still took several moments for the smoke
to fade.  When it did, it revealed the strange sight of Chouji pushing
against a turtle perhaps half as large as his swollen form.  As he
slowly began to gain ground, Tenten flipped away, pulling out a pair of
scrolls.  "Now!" she shouted, as she landed in a crouch, carefully
placing the scrolls on either side of her.

This was utterly brilliant, by the way. A good, unexpected tactic AND a
great visual.

        The massive turtle began to push harder, slipping under the
still-rotating Chouji.  With an almost-human grunt of effort, the animal
somehow hurled the massive ninja high into the air, then dissolved into
smoke. 

There doesn't need to be any "somehow" to this. I can easily see the
turtle simply lowering it's head, allowing Chouji to rocked off of his
shell like a ramp or lifting it to flip him into the air.

        Anko appeared next to Chouji, briefly inspecting him.  Then she
raised her hand.  "The winner of the fifth match, Tenten!"

A good, intense match. Even if it did throw off my bets. This whole
section, from when Sakura leaves the field to the end of the Lee-Ikkei
fight were from a single perspective (peanut gallery) and benefitted a
lot from it. You mentioned that you were having trouble putting in
commentary, but here the fight was described mostly in commentary and it
was much more dramatic for it. I think it was the best written part of
the chapter.

        Shinta's hands locked into a final seal.  "Inuzuka-Style Rare
Beast Transformation:  Hungry Wolf Technique!"  There was a blast of
smoke, and when it faded Shinta was gone.  In his place stood a large
gray wolf, almost as tall as the boy himself had been.
        "A transformation technique?" Sakura muttered in thought.
        "That's it?" Tenten asked.

I have to agree with Tenten. I was expecting more after the
foreshadowing for this. I lost a lot of cash on this fight, damn you!

        "There will be a brief intermission before the quarterfinal
round begins so the fighters can rest," Anko continued after a moment.
"Before that, though, I'd like to let those cheapskates who didn't
purchase a program 

know

just how great a line-up we have waiting for you so

you don't get bored and leave!"  She waited again for the laughter to
die down, then moved next to one end of the line of genin she had
formed.
        "First up," she stated, "we've got someone you haven't seen yet,
who was lucky enough to get a free pass into the quarterfinals.  From
the Leaf's most feared clan, Hyuuga Neji will be facing the Hidden
Mist's Haruno Midori."  Anko grinned nastily, glancing sideways at her
sister's student.  "My sources tell me our guest from the Mist has
promised to rip out Neji-kun's eyes.  We all know the usual Hyuuga
response to that sort of threat, so we can look forward to a quick,
brutal fight."
        Without waiting to see how the two genin took to her comments,
Anko moved on to the next pair.  "For the second fight, we've got
Yamanaka Ino against Haruno Sakura, both from the Leaf."  Anko smiled
slightly at Sakura before continuing.  "These two were teammates in the
first two exams, but don't let you think there'll be a soft fight!  This
is actually a rematch, as these two fighters managed the first double
knockout in a recorded match 

I'd change to "recorded history" or "on record" or even just drop it... 
"first double knockout in over twenty years" works just fine.

in over twenty years in the preliminary

fights for the last exam.  It's pretty rare to have both fighters
wanting to avenge their defeat, so we can look forward to an interesting
match!"
        Moving on, Anko grinned.  Those were both going to be fun fights
to watch.  She was looking forward to seeing the Hyuuga prodigy in
action again, and having her sister's student be the victim was even
better.  She also had every reason to believe that Sakura's fight would
not be nearly so long and dull as her first match against the Yamanaka
girl.  With a slight shake of her head to clear her thoughts, Anko
stopped in front of the next set of fighters.
        "After that, it's another Mist versus Leaf fight as Aoki Saburo
fights Tenten."  She made a show of grimacing.  "Unfortunately, I'm not
aware of any grudges or threats going into this match, so it looks like
we can expect a good, clean, boring fight." 

maybe change "we can expect" to "we might only get" or "might be stuck with"

        As Sakura passed the special jounin she paused briefly,
murmuring softly, "Was all that... show business really necessary?"
        "Nope!" Anko replied quietly but cheerfully.  "It's fun,
though!"

Don't know why she stopped in the semi-finals.

        Sakura just rolled her eyes and continued on her way.

***********************************************************************

        Hyuuga Neji wasn't able to stop himself from smirking as he
studied the girl standing a few paces across from him. 

I'd drop across.

        She took a deep breath, visibly calming herself.  "That won't
happen today, though.  Today, I'll just beat you and rip out your eyes.
Just like I promised you, no?"

Nice rant. I'd give it a 6.0 (points lost for coherancy, internal logic 
and lack of word invention/redefinition)

        Neji snorted.  "We'll see," he stated, falling into a Gentle
Fist fighting stance.  An instant later, his foe had readied herself as
well.
        "You two done?" Anko asked, sounding bored.  When neither
objected, she stated loudly, "The first quarterfinal match, Hyuuga Neji
against Haruno Midori.  Begin!"
        The instant she uttered the last word, Neji activated his
Byakugan, turning his eyes aside from Midori's.  With his eyes, he
wasn't disadvantaged by avoiding her gaze in the slightest.  Without
waiting, he moved, penetrating Midori's guard in a blur of motion.  His
hand jabbed out, fingers reaching for a tenketsu in his opponent's left
shoulder.
        Midori, moving with surprising speed, slipping away from the
blow, one hand reaching up to grab Neji's wrist.  The other made an
open-handed strike at his stomach.  Neji pulled away, darting around the
attack as his other hand made for the kunoichi's unprotected left side.
Midori released Neji's hand, jumping up and away from his second strike.
        As she landed, she formed a quick sequence of seals, then raised
one hand over her head.  "Mist Concealment Technique," she breathed,
fading away into the clouds of gray mist that rapidly formed.  The
chakra-charged haze was harder to see through than ordinary mist, but it
wasn't enough to cloud Neji's sight.  He easily tracked his foe as she
raced toward the well Hiraki Arata had created and formed another
sequence of seals.
        Neji forced himself to stay still in the center of the unnatural
mist as the numerous water clones Midori had created, slowly moved to
circle him.  No need to let her know that he was watching her every
move, much less that due to the imbalance in chakra levels telling which
was the real one was trivial and that her attempt to use her cloaking
genjutsu only made it more obvious.
        Several long moments passed before Midori made her move, two
clones rushing at Neji from behind.  Without even pretending to be at
all surprised, he twisted between their attacks, then delivered twin
palm strikes to their backs.  The replications stumbled forward before
dissolving back into water.  "You'll have to do better than that," Neji
said as he casually drove his elbow into the gut of the clone that was
sneaking up on him from the side.
        "I will," a Midori - a clone of course - said.  Three clones
moved in from the opposite side, and Neji summarily dispatched them,
moving with a careful economy of motion that still left him several feet
closer to where the real Midori stood.  After a moment's thought, he
also drew a kunai and hurled it at the replication that had spoken,
disrupting it as well.
        "You have eight water replications left," Neji announced,
carefully subtracting one from the number of visible replications.  "If
you send all of them at me at once, there is a slight chance that one
will land a minor blow.  If you continue as you have been, I will
destroy them all within two minutes."
        Even though he was facing directly away from her, he could see
Midori's smirk.  "Good counting, freak," she said.  "Too bad for you
that isn't all the clones I could make."  Her hands flickered, then the
circle of clones doubled and redoubled.  Twenty clones charged Neji from
all directions.

I'm a little surprised. As I understand it, that's a lot of chakra. I'd 
think a water clone costs nearly as much as a Kage-bunshin, and people 
were surprised Naruto can manage even a dozen.

        Midori dissolved into  water.  "You really do have eyes in the
back of your head," her voice came from behind him, near the well, "but
if you don't pay attention it won't do you any good."  She emerged from
a puddle of water far too shallow to hold her.  "Did you know that the
amount of chakra in a water clone can be varied, so long as it doesn't
exceed the maximum?  A little cloaking genjutsu to keep you from looking
too closely, and it was easy to make you think you'd found the real
one."

No, no no no. HIT FIRST, GLOAT LATER! AAARGH. pant pant pant pant huff.

        Neji didn't turn to face her as she slowly walked toward him.
"A clever stratagem," he admitted.  When would he learn to stop
underestimating his opponents' ability for misdirection? 

As soon as they start taking advantage of it to actually accomplish 
something besides TALKING.

  "It does not

change the situation, though.  I know what to look for now, and you
cannot escape my gaze."
        "No," Midori said, "and that's why I'll win."  She smiled.  "So
proud of your freakish eyes, aren't you?  Now that I've confirmed the
field of vision they give you, I can end this fight anytime I want."
Her smile turned vicious.  "That time is now.  Haruno Ninpou: Gaze of
Torment."

Yet another person who could have benefited from reading the evil 
overlord's list. I mean, three violations in one paragraph? (6, 24 and 
40, btw, a common combination)

        Neji stiffened, and then he screamed.  He stumbled forward,
every slight motion sending waves of pain that blurred even his vision
through him.  Unable to stand, he toppled over, the ground producing
more agony than a thousand full-strength blows from Lee.  Even the act
of screaming was causing him terrible anguish.  In some almost-unclouded
corner of his mind, he noted how apt Sakura's description of this
technique as simply "pain" was.
        Midori continued her slow advance.  "Never thought about that,
did you?  Your inescapable gaze just means that your whole body might as
well be your eyes."  When she was within a handful of steps of Neji, she
glanced sideways at Anko, who stood watching the battle.  "Not going to
end this?" she asked.
        "Not yet," the examiner said after a moment.
        "Can't until I make a killing strike, right?  Good," Midori
said, drawing a kunai.  "There's still a promise I need to keep."  She
took another step forward.
        Neji sprung into motion.  Devoid of all his usual grace, he
leapt upward, his fist striking Midori's jaw in a powerful uppercut.
The green-eyed kunoichi went flying, landing with a heavy thud beside
Anko.  She struggled to rise, and Neji forced himself to take a step
forward.  "How?" Midori managed to ask after a moment.
        It took Neji several moments to catch his breath, fighting
against the pain that still swam around the edges of his consciousness.
"Like all genjutsu," he said, "your technique works by affecting the
victim's chakra."  He had to pause to catch his breath again.  "I just
had to observe my own chakra flow and close enough of the right tenketsu
to dull the effect."
        Midori weakly muttered a curse, then fell back to the ground,
letting unconsciousness claim her. 

Surprisingly sensible of her.

        Sakura nodded politely at him.  "How did you?" she asked
curiously, and after a moment the slightly older ninja curtly explained
his method.  Sakura grimaced to herself.  It was just like what her
research on the counter to those chakra threads that Fuuma ninja in Rice
Field Country had used had turned up.  Was every counter-technique she
wanted to learn going to require the Byakugan?

Good thing this isn't Suiren, or somebody would be "donating" an eye soon.

        Sakura nodded, and she moved.  The last thing Ino should be
expecting was a headlong, Naruto-like charge, right?  

Well, yeah. 'Cause it's stupid. Unless you happen to be a lot faster 
than your opponent, of course...

The blonde

kunoichi still reacted quickly, flinging her hands up and releasing
several smoke bombs.  Sakura darted through the pillars of thick black
smoke, hardly slowed, but Ino used the seconds this bought her to fill

I'd change seconds to moments. Seconds is actually a really long time in 
a fight.

        "Could Shikamaru capture me with a replication's shadow?" Sakura
asked.  Part of the reason for her question was simple curiosity.  The
other was to keep Ino talking while she thought of a way out of this.

Heh, that's gotta be a violation of the ninja code of conduct. Dialogue 
is supposed to happen in the timeless void between blows.

The beginnings of a plan began to come together, and she slowly moved
her free hand behind her back, reaching for her pouch.  Carefully, she
slipped her hand inside, feeling for what she was going to need.
***********************************************************************

Very nice conversation between Sakura and Ino, and unlike some others it 
doesn't stretch belief at all that they'd take the time out for it. Even 
if Sakura was breaking genre conventions to take advantage of it.

  It

still would have been wisest to avoid the confrontation at all, but no
matter. 

Yeah, Sakura is developing a definate bloodlust issue. She makes the 
same mistake again against Neji, something I hope gets pointed out to 
her later.

For the irony value, have Anko say it first.

        Surprisingly, Utatane Koharu spoke up.  "You might not know,
Mitarashi-san, that the only person to be promoted in the last exams
conceded his only fight."  Tsunade almost smirked.  Kimi must have
managed to really irritate Koharu.  Still, she would probably recommend
against giving Arata a promotion.  Lee couldn't have kept that speed up
for too long, not without removing his weights.  Even then, there were
ways that Lee could have beaten.

missing been

I enjoyed these short fights a lot. As I read through them again, I'm 
finding that the one's I find most interesting and fun to read have been 
those written from Sakura's and Tsunade's perspective.

        As Lee and Arata left the field, Tsunade smiled to herself.  She
really was looking forward to this next fight.

***********************************************************************

        Sakura was really not looking forward to this fight. 

Nice juxtaposition.

  If Hyuuga

Hinata had been terrible opponent for her, it didn't leave words in her
rather broad vocabulary to describe just how awful a match-up her cousin
was. 

Be fair. Except for his out of place sense of Chivalry, Lee would have 
been just as bad. Sure, he could be fooled by Genjutsu, but Sakura 
wouldn't ever had a prayer of getting off most of her techniques.

  Even Lee himself had never bested Neji in a straight taijutsu

match, 

Uhm, is this true? I suppose it depends if you consider the more 
advanced uses of the Byakugan pure taijutsu. In any case, it works fine 
even if it's just Sakura being pessimistic.

        Once more she charged, but this time she stopped before Neji
struck, darting to his side and almost managed to land a blow before he
sent her flying with two Gentle Fist strikes.  This time, though, she'd
managed to shield her tenketsu, and she smiled as she landed near where
she'd been standing when the match had begun.  All the pieces were in
place.

I swear she's a masochist. There had to be a less damaging way to drop 
those tags, and I have no idea why Neji didn't see her doing it.

        "Why do you smile?" Neji asked as he relaxed his Byakugan while
Sakura slowly stood.
        "Because I have you just where I want you," she replied, forcing
arrogance into her voice.
        Frowning, Neji activated his Byakugan briefly.  "Ah," he said as
he relaxed it once more, perhaps to conserve chakra.  "Explosive tags,
all around me.  Clever, but not clever enough.  Now I know where they
are."

Move, THEN brag, you fool!

        The handful of shuriken blurred, doubling and doubling in number
every heartbeat as they flew at Neji.  He had barely a moment to decide
which evil to choose, then he began to spin.  The first whirls of chakra
he expelled were enough to fling Sakura's real shuriken away, but the
explosive tags all around him began to detonate as they were caught in
his defense.  Battered by the blasts, he stumbled, his spin halting, and
just for that moment, he was vulnerable.

This part, however, was very nice tactics.
I like how you've stuck to Sakura's characterization of being good at 
executing premade plans, while not doing much improvisation.

        Neji flew away from her but Sakura only snarled, "I'm not done
yet," thrusting one arm toward him.  Repressing a shudder at the
crawling sensation under her arm, she shouted, "Hidden Snake Hands!"

This really should have been the first thing she did after exploding the 
tags. Strike two of closing prematurely.

burnt log Neji had used a moment before.  "Too slow," he declared as he
pivoted in place to meet Sakura's counter-attack from above and below.
"Four strikes!"

Strike three. Sakura had no reason not to force Neji to play tag across 
the arena. Her situation could only improve with some time.

        Again, Sakura used the Replacement Technique with the log, and
again she was unable to gain any advantage.  "Eight strikes!"  One
strike landed, closing another tenketsu, before she managed to get the
log into position.  "Sixteen strikes!"  Half landed, and the log
shattered under the other half.  Sakura struggled to raised leadened
arms to defend herself as Neji paused for just an instant.  "Thirty-two
strikes!"  Again and again he hit her, striking so frequently that she
wasn't even able to fall.  Sakura could barely even think past the
clouds of pain and unnatural exhaustion as he declared, "Sixty-four -"
        Anko grabbed his hand.  "That's enough," she said.  Neji nodded,
and as though that was a sign, Sakura finally collapsed.  It took her
several long moments to catch her breath, and longer to rise to her
knees.  Anko raised her hand.  "The winner, Hyuuga Neji," she declared,
and the crowd began to cheer.

Intervening a little quicker than before are we, Anko?

I'm going to break here, but first Sakura's Chuunin exam score card.

First, positives:

- Two victories and one effective draw against a superior opponent.
- Ruthlessness.
- Planning and execution.
- Strong mix of taijutsu, ninjutsu, and genjutsu
- Use and resistance to psychological manipulation.

Negatives:

- Wearing the weights.
- Excessive, repetative agression. In both the Ino and Neji fights, she 
closed to close combat when she would have been better off wearing an 
opponent down. She'll need to be broken of the habit, especially if she 
is going to become a medinin (just look at the post-timeskip manga to 
see similar behavior getting her into major trouble).

Also, some political negatives.

- Known to have been favored by the Hokage and examiner.
- Is wanted by the Hokage for training, which will be less conveniant 
for a Chuunin with Chuunin duties.

In the analysis, she earned the Chuunin promotion, but may not (and I'd 
personally prefer not) get it. Apprenticeship under the Hokage is 
promotion enough.

I see Neji, Lee, and the Mist genin being promoted, with Tenten as a 
longshot. Only one of the two girls will be promoted, to allow for an 
intact team with Ino and Choji in the next Chuunin exams.

William



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