Now that I have that monster of a chapter out of the way, time to start
catching up on the C&C.
wakoid2@aol.com wrote:
Henceforth, this section of the fanfic shall be hereby known as The
Disclaimer. Those characters that exist within the confines of the
series Naruto do not belong to myself. This work of writing is merely a
creation of a deluded and somewhat disturbed mind operating on a minor
to intermediate lack of slumber.
I consider it good form to credit the original author by name. Not that
it really matters all that much, of course.
Oh yes...
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
I like her.
I don’t love her. I’m setting that straight right now. I don’t
really know her well enough to love her. But I do like her.
I'm getting garbage characters here instead of apostrophes. (I'm using
Mozilla Thunderbird as my e-mail reader.) I suggest running your
stories through 3ft ( http://www.mono211.com/4ca/code.html ) or another
formatting tool before posting to help avoid this issue. It will also
wordwrap your story, which will make it much more convenient to read.
I hid in a bush for what at the time seemed like forever, eating a
couple bags of chips that I had brought with me. At some point I
started hearing someone crying, and went to go see who was doing it.
The comma after crying is unnecessary.
I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but eventually came across a girl
about my age curled up with her back to a tree, crying like anything.
Likewise with the one after expect.
(though I seriously doubt it was anger. She was and still is someone
who never really got angry).
Though should be capitalized.
We talked for a little (during the course of which I noticed she
didn’t stutter nearly as much as she used to), she told me how Kiba,
Naruto, and Neji were doing.
The comma after a parentheses should be a semi-colon.
And every now and then, we go to the ice cream parlor and each get a
scoop (or four, in my case) of vanilla.
Aw. Sweet.
Not too much to say beyond those minor corrections; it's a nice little
story and you did a good job of making a non-canon relationship seem
believable.