Subject: [FFML] Re: [C&C] [Ranma][Love Hina] Diamonds in the Rough ch. 16
From: Glazius Falconar
Date: 6/30/2006, 7:28 PM
To: brian@azurite.org
CC: Innocent Bystanders <ffml@anifics.com>

Brian Randall wrote:
 >     Note: I screwed up and thought that Ranma was introduced to his
 > mother before the Shishi Houkodan arc.  Erm.  Assume that it's an alt,
 > and my thoughts are correct for this story (because they are). -_-

Eh, Ranma's like Superman. Up to a point it doesn't matter what order
the stories happen in because the status quo seeps back in in between them.

(Thankfully Ranma's future kid has not yet punched the universe.)
    

Hah!

  

And the irony is, I _can't_ say the same about everything of Ken 
Akamatsu's. >_>
 >     He considered for a moment, and then grinned.  "When I'm-"
 >
 >     "That was rhetorical, too!"

Ranma: I'm inferring from context that "rhetorical" means "question you
don't want me to answer".

Ryoga: Grr.

Ranma: Are there any questions that doesn't apply to?

Ryoga: Ostension is _also_ depressing.
    

Is that the word you meant to use there?  M-W seems to think it means
something very different.

  

It's the technique of defining something by pointing out what it is.

Ranma is asking what he believes to be a rhetorical question, since 
Ryoga wants him to just shut up and fight.

I think I went about three levels of indirection too far.


 >     "She ... didn't know about the curse," Ranma said quietly, looking
 > away.  "She thought my curse was just some girl.  I ... I used that to
 > ask her if she thought I was good enough, and...."

The Shonen Protagonist Cascade Failure Effect.
    

Good name for it.  Yeah, this is kind of a sorry plot device in
retrospect, but the entire fic would have to be rewritten if I went
with something else at this point.  :\

  

Not really. It's practically tradition. Your standard shonen protagonist 
is either a stranger in a strange land or just kinda half-assing his way 
through life, so any safety net he thinks he has is going to snap when 
the shit really hits the fan. And from everything breaking down at once 
he either hardens himself and goes out to face the world, or claws 
himself back up to a new pattern of half-assing, depending on how the 
series is doing in the weekly polls.

Cynical? Me?

 >     "You sure don't seem much for talkin' me out of it," Ranma muttered,
 > staring at the horizon, where the first bits of fiery gold began to
 > crest.

And after the invasion fleet flew overhead, the sun came up!

Yeah, yeah, I know. But this is a suicide scene. You want STARK.
    

Normally I agree.  Kintaro's presence here is supposed to be tied
(loosely) to the gold light, which has significance in a later scene
this chapter.  It didn't come out as well as I'd hoped, though;
suggestions?

  

"the sun was starting to rise, its fiery gold reflected off the water"?

I have no problem with the color, it's the metaphor. The scene is 
starkly real, so don't romanticize the sun.

 Kintaro is the last person on his family's register at this point.
Nodoka went over to Genma's when she married him.  I imagine
everyone's already figured it out, though it's never been spelled out
in the fic; Seta's sister was Nodoka/Kintaro's mother.  Kintaro is
therefore actually Ranma's uncle.  (Which is why Kintaro is not
oogling Ranma; though ... Ranma does not know this.

    

Man, I had no clue. ^^;

Then again, I've read the thing in fits and starts a month apart and I 
don't remember much except the general plot from one installment to the 
next.

 >     "Yeah that's--"  Ranma suddenly broke off, and edged out of Mutsumi's
 > grip, looking at her strangely.  "No, actually, I didn't mention
 > that."  He swallowed nervously and asked, "How much ... do you
 > remember of ... of my life?"

Was that internal narration above part of his spiel for Mutsumi? If so,
then the mentions of Ryoga always being late and him thinking he's in
Okinawa might hint rather strongly at Ryoga's position being rather
indeterminate.
    

It's part of the spiel, but ... hmm.  How else can I have her phrase
it to make him ask that question?  I'll need to think about this part
a bit.

  

Maybe have her mention one specific incident out of the nine hojillion-

Ryoga: WHERE THE HELL AM I NOW?

Nine hojillion and _one_ times Ryoga got lost.

 >     Ranma blinked and scratched his head.  When he was a handful of steps
 > away from Shinobu, Mutsumi standing beside him still, he shrugged.  "I
 > guess everything's gonna work out after all," he decided.

Setting up the two-page splash doesn't work that well in text.
    

"Look at this splash panel full of implied action!  I could read
another fifty pages of this...."

Oh, right.  Ah....  I'll omit that second line.

  

HUGE HUGE HUGE!

Dude, can you even reach down here?

 >     "When we go to see Father tonight ... and I'm sorry I must ask you
 > for this ... but could you keep Saotome-san occupied?" she asked.

Kasumi: I realize he does so badly at shogi that you actually fell
asleep last time and still beat him, but it's his last joy in life.

If you want to put single quotes around 'occupied' that'd indicate that
this is not likely to be a _peaceful_ occupation.
    

Would Kasumi use that emphasis? :p

Though, really, she just wants Tofu to distract him.  Should I revise?

  

"Could you... distract... Saotome-san?"

That works better. She's Kasumi, so of course she's going to be very 
hesitant about potential negative action against anyone.

 >     Shinobu's eyes widened; the chef looked a mess.  Her eyes were red
 > and her hair was mussed.  Her clothing was disheveled, as though she'd
 > been running for a long time.

How is that different from having been in, say, a knock-down-drag-out
fight with a takoyaki chef in an octopus mask?
    

Well, one would probably leave tears in her clothes, and she wouldn't
(probably) be bruised from running.  I'll say, "as though she had
slept in it, or hadn't slept all night".

Mm....  That still needs to be reworked.  I'll figure something out.

  

"as though she had slept in it. Or maybe _hadn't_ slept, thought 
Shinobu, noticing the bags under her eyes"

Works?

 >     "Ranma-kun," Mutsumi murmured quietly.  Haruka doubted anyone but she
 > and Ranma could hear it, especially as they were distracted by the
 > pyrotechnics.  The black receded to a tiny pinprick, and then Mitsune
 > was wreathed in a halo of white fire.  It faded, leaving her looking
 > clean, comfortable ... and still unconscious.  The light vanished from
 > around Ranma and he sat back on his heels heavily.

Okay. _Something_ went on there, but I have no idea what it was, what it
meant, why the colors were important, what happened to the gold, and why
the black existed or why Mitsune only flamed out when it was gone.

I realize only Ranma actually knows what's going on and you've got
someone else's viewpoint, but you need to do more there than just
provide an account of events.
    

Would it be acceptable to say it's explained in the next chapter?  Or
should I put that in right here?  There are hints, if you read the
entire story; the gold has to do with Kintaro, and Ranma's first
conversation on the rooftop in private with Motoko can give hints to
much of the rest (chapter ... 2 or three, IIRC).  But the explanation
comes later, as currently planned.

  

I think the only word I actually had trouble with in the pyrotechnics 
was "dangerously close", describing the black flame. Haruka's looking at 
it for a flickering instant and she doesn't know what it is or why it 
might be dangerous.

I mean, okay, here's the mental image I've got of the scene as 
described, being as detailed as I can.

The bracers explode in a swirling flash of colored flames. Two green 
streaks of flame skitter down Ranma's arms like spent shell casings, 
trick off his shoulder blades, and wink out in mid-air. The bracers are 
burning like a ki-blowtorch , white flame peeking through the joints and 
gathering at Ranma's hands.

Ranma himself is sheathed in dull gold fire, rather subtle compared to 
the white blaze, and there's the occasional dark spark, maybe skipping 
along a seam in his clothing, half moving, half being drawn toward the 
bracers. Ranma inhales, exhales, and the gold flames on his arm surge 
up, crowding into the black ones which vanish underneath the scrum. 
Inhales, exhales, and a little wave of golden flamelets crests in from 
his extremities, carrying the little bits of blackness toward his heart 
and burying them in a crush of gold. Inhales, exhales...

Then he taps Mitsune and she goes up like flash paper.

 >     Motoko frowned slightly, but shrugged.  "Follow me," she said, while
 > Shinobu rushed to the kitchen for some water.  Sara and Suu both
 > melted into the ether after Shinobu, leaving Haruka alone with
 > Mutsumi, Keitaro, and Naru.  And Mitsune, but she didn't think the
 > newly healed young woman was cognizant enough to matter at the moment.

"detoxed", maybe. Unless Ranma made her liver bright and shiny or something.
    

'restored'?  Detoxed could work, but somehow doesn't scan as well as I'd like.

  

"Restored" works. "Detox" is accurate but too clinical.

K. One final qualm. A problem I have, addressing which might end up
negating a lot of the good stuff you've put into this, but still a problem.

It might just be the little fanboy inside of me, but hurting Kasumi
seems pretty off-flavor. Ranma's entire history and the resulting
complications do, now that it's out in the open.

People don't generally get hurt in Ranma. If they do it's comedy pain,
which lasts just long enough for an embarrassing photograph. People
don't generally get hurt in Love Hina. If they do it's primarily for
irony purposes, like the broken leg that keeps Keitaro out of Todai
(when the man has survived being hucked into the path of a firework).
And when Keitaro gets kidnapped it's so Suu can marry him and live
happily ever after, which will only be a disaster for a few people.

I'm not sure whether Shonen Protagonist Cascade Failure could get Ranma
out of Nerima _without_ something that drastic, and obviously you want
to deal with Nerima wanting him back.

But that doesn't change the little voice in the back of my head going
"don't hurt Kasumi! T_T"
    

Fair enough.  It wasn't easy, but it was also the most reasonable
motivator I could find at the time that didn't needlessly villify
anyone, and more-or-less let me use the cast as they were.  I didn't
want a vengeful, left-at-the-altar Akane, or an
Akane-died-at-Mt.-Phoenix-and-I-can't-like-girls-from-my-own-cast-anymore
Ranma.  It's difficult for me to imagine what else I could do at this
point that wouldn't require a total rewrite, though.  And while I do
want to make this story as good as I can, I'm not sure I want to
rewrite it from the ground up.  <_<;;

Still, thank you very much for your commentary; it was quite helpful,
and I'm glad you liked some parts of the fic, at least.  :D
  

The thing is that _I buy it_. I can see it, potentially, happening. And 
I also buy them not really talking about the incident for two years, at 
least not deep enough to piece together what else might have gone on, 
since the two guys who know what really happened aren't in a position to 
tell anybody. It's like an old wound that you don't want to get close to 
for fear it'll reopen.

You're not under any obligation to put the little flag-waving 
Hayashibara fanboy in my heart at ease, so don't worry about him.

. . .

Okay, I just had a really weird idea. I mean, REALLY weird.

Uncle Kentaro shows up and helps out onna-Ranma, and maybe actually 
reveals some of his history. And onna-Ranma's just happy to have some 
member of his/her family around who isn't trying to kick his/her ass. 
Then through an increasingly unlikely series of misunderstandings 
Ranma's entire fiancee squad comes to believe that Ranma's gone gay for 
Kentaro. (The rumor is started and eagerly spread by Kodachi, who has 
the largest doujin collection in Tokyo.) I mean, it makes sense, right, 
with how nervous he always is around girls, nudge nudge, wink wink? 
Akane doesn't believe it until she finds them naked in a compromising 
position, and then he gets knocked through the dojo.

And then Nodoka on learning of the curse believes her no-good pervert of 
a brother planned the whole thing and begins making slicing motions.

The whole thing comes to a head when somebody finds an old family album, 
and doesn't this guy look just like the one who - aw crap.

Nabiki, meanwhile, catches wind of Kentaro at Todai and looks to get the 
band back together so her sister can stop being so full of regrets all 
the damn time, and gets severely pissed because it looks like Ukyo's 
found him first.

. . .

But all that is just kinda sketchy back-of-the-napkin shit, you know? If 
nothing in that particularly calls to you, just keep on doing what 
you're doing and I'll be happy to keep reading.

--GF

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