Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Peter Gallagher wrote:
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Akane can cook
By Ellf
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Disclaimer: I don't own any of the series involved in this spamfic.
Akane's cooking had improved lately, ever since she had gone on that little
training trip, and Ranma's stomach thanked the gods for that. Ranma sat
down, happily eating the meal that Akane had prepared for him. It tasted
fine and even looked normal. Too bad the only thing she learned on the
training trip was how to make bread. Damn good bread, but bread nonetheless.
You should probably stick a blank line between your disclaimer and the
start of the story proper. It's also a good idea to name the creators
of the series involved, though if it would spoil the story you can
always move the disclaimer to the end.
>From the emphasis on bread, I suppose this has something to do with
Yakitake Japan, though I've only seen one episode of that series.
Incidentally, even if she's learned how to make bread, it seems a little
out of character for Akane to (apparently) make a meal only out of
bread. It would seem more like her in my mind for the increase in
bread-making skill to increase her confidence in her other cooking also,
however unsupported that was, and force the rest of her culinary
disasters on others with even more force.
This could be part of the (crossover-derived?) change in her character,
though, I suppose.
However, Akane seemed different after coming back from the training trip.
She had let her hair grow out longer. Longer and fuller, so full that the
hair itself seemed to be coming out of her head more than usual. Ranma
couldn't place his finger on it, but there seemed to be an air of... what
was that American word? Ah yes, "Funk" around Akane. She didn't seem to
notice it, but he did. Ranma liked it though.
Funk doesn't need to be capitalized, I don't think.
Would Ranma really know what funk was, much less have it be the first
descriptor that comes to his mind?
She never regretted taking that training trip at that church. The church
with the hedges on it shaped like an afro. The Church of the 'Fro.
...huh.
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Author's Notes: Mmmm... Spammy... Anyways, this little spamfic was just an
idea I had floating around in my head. What if Akane had visited that Church
of the 'Fro that is in Yakitake! Japan? What would be the reactions of
everyone? I tried to make it funny, but I don't think I'm that good at
humor.
Hmm. Well, as I implied above, I'm not entirely familiar with Yakitake,
but from my point of view, while certainly not as bad as certain other
spamfics, this one does seem to be lacking something.
The scenes with Kuno and Ryoga seem redundant, and don't add anything to
the story (Kuno's in particular). They don't really tell us anything
new, and there's no greater plot for them to tie into. This story would
probably work better (with much more potential for humor) if you
actually showed the new Akane interacting with the various Ranma cast,
rather than simply having the cast reflecting on her changes.
Finally, the punchline is pretty weak. (It may have been stronger if I
knew what the "Church of the 'Fro" was, but I suspect the opposite,
since it seems likely to be easily guessable to me.) You have an
acceptable setup, but the payoff doesn't... well, pay off.
Unfortunately, I'm not familiar enough with the subject of the joke to
suggest any alternatives.
I hope some of this was helpful.