Ha. Talk about delayed. As far as I know, there had been more chapter of this
released already (or maybe not... *shrugs*) But since I C&C stuff that's far
more delayed than this one, it's still good.
Homer Simpson: It's just a little bit delayed! It's still good! It's still
good!
Since I'm putting this digressive and off-topic message up with the C&C, I
suppose it's okay and not really spam. (takes a deep breath) I'm looking for a
Ranma/Rurouni Kenshin fic that isn't Rurouni Ranma called "Champion of the
Era." To people who has a copy of this fic, just send it to this address or to
my gmail addy (chester.castaneda@gmail.com)
On 10/21/05, Dev Hunt <numair42@hotmail.com> wrote:
I've been sitting on this story for a few months now and I've been meaning
to post it for a while. I don't know if anyone read this back in the day,
but I hope you like it.
C&C always welcome.
Homer Simpson: Those words don't really mean anything, Lisa! It's like
'ramalamadingdong' or 'give peace a chance'!"
Heh. Oh, don't mind me. Self-referential humor on several fics who don't really
take seriously the 'Comments and criticism welcome' tag.
Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts, and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
OH!!! I also got my web site going at:
http://ajchome.freehosting.net/ (sorry about all the ads)
Huh. It's not any worse than geocities, at least.
Enjoy!!
I'll be the judge of that.
A New Life Chapter 1
-----------------------------------------------------
Fear
Suggest: Fear. (terminate the one word sentence with a period)
Fear is an emotion that all humans feel at one time.
It makes us cautious, careful. Many humans run when
they confront fear. Fear can be a barrier, a
challenge, an obstacle.
(shrugs) I feel as if there's tense confusion here and the paragraph following
it. Please stick to one tense for the entire story for less confusion. Pick:
Past tense, or present tense.
Grammar Rule #55: When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.
Ranma Saotome learned the power of fear the first
time he was thrown into the neko-ken training pit. He
tried to escape, but to no avail. Ranma would learn,
after many attempts, how to escape that fear. He
would escape into a cat persona, a danger to all
around him.
Gee, I dunno. Perhaps HoI Nekoken Ranma is a danger to all (and even that's
debatable), but canon Nekoken Ranma? Please. A ball of yarn, an open can of
sardines, or a splash of water from a water gun is all it takes to tame him...
or maybe Akane or some other old crone (the ever-fictitious KoTF, come at me).
I'm not saying he's not dangerous, I'm just pointing out that he's not as
dangerous as the text of your story suggests. Puh.
Life will be a little different for this Ranma. With
the aid of a wandering stranger, Ranma would be given
the chance for a new life.
(sighs) Why does it always have to be a 'wandering stranger' anyway?
It was a peaceful day in the small Japanese town.
People went about their daily business. Work, school,
home life, whatever they did on a daily basis. In
this average town, an important event was occurring
that would forever change the life of one of the
greatest martial artists ever to walk the earth.
(blinks) So Son Goku's gonna have one of _those_ days again?
Jassa: Oh noes! An important event will be occurring that would forever change
the life of one of the greatest martial artists to ever walk on the earth ever!
BOOBIES!!
(wince) Woooo boy. Where do I start? Oh yeah. Show, not tell. Why? Well,
exaggeration's good and all, but as oft-mentioned grammar rules states:
Grammar Rule #25: Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth
earth-shaking ideas.
Grammar Rule #33: Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
...And so on and so forth.
"Papa," a young boy whined, "don't put me in the pit
again, please." This child, looking about the age of
6,
six,
was covered with half healed
half-healed (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
scratches and a few
bandages.
"Ranma, it is for your own good. Once you learn the
Neko-ken, you'll be unbeatable." Wrapping another
fish sausage around Ranma, was a fat man in a white
gi.
(wince) Boy, do I hate that sentence.
Suggest: Either get rid of the comma altogether... but I still wouldn't suggest
this method 'coz the sentence would still look weird (Wrapping another fish
sausage around Ranma was a fat man in a white gi), don't try anything fancy
with the sentence (A fat man in a white gi wrapped another fish sausage around
Ranma) or simply change the latter half of the sentence into something that
actually flows well with the first half of the sentence when read (Wrapping
another fish sausage around Ranma, the fat man in a white gi grinned).
It's because the first part of the sentence (the one before the comma) is
essentially an aside, so it would make less sense for the second part of the
sentence to be directly connected to the part which is essentially digressive.
Simply put in English, your sentence just sounds wrong and you need to revise
it.
This man was none other than Genma Saotome,
Ranma's father.
Also, I'm imagining lots of people are going to be throwing hissy fits (if they
haven't already) about how _everyone_ already knows who Ranma and co. are and
that giving them ample introduction time seems redundant, considering the type
of audience this fic has. I'm just noting.
The young, battered boy started crying when he
realized his father wouldn't change his mind. "I
don't wanna' go, It's too scary."
Also of note is the slow-as-hell pacing.
"Scary?!" Genma yelled, "A real man would face the
fear and sacrifice his life for the art. Stop being
such a girl Ranma and stop crying. Crying is for
girls."
O_o Speaking of redundancies... Uh, please do find a way to fix the structure
of that sentence to avoid the repetitive use of 'girl' and 'crying'. You could
have summarized the whole thought of the two sentences in one sentence anyway.
He put the last of the sausages on the now
struggling child and dragged him over to a nearby
pit.
Ranma started kicking and screaming. "NOOOOO!!!
PLEASE DADDY!! DON'T PUT ME BACK!! PLEASE!!" He tried
to break free, but Genma kept his grip strong and
kept Ranma from running.
9_9 Just put him in the damn pit already.
Cats everywhere tensed their muscles, and prepared to
pounce.
You don't need the comma in between 'muscles' and 'and'.
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
---
Nearby
Eminem: It's the return of the 'Oh wait. You're kidding. He didn't just say
what I think he said, did he?'
Suggest: Not putting 'Nearby' here. You don't need 'em, IMO. When writing in
prose, the setting should be established by context, not by spelling it out at
every start of a scene.
Okay, here's the deal. Like... (tries to remember) in the earlier versions of
he earlier chapters of Mr. Adrian Moten's "For Better or For Worst-Case
Scenario", you're making use of a script-like
naming-the-place-and-setting-for-scene-break-purposes thingy (which, I believe,
is essentially a copout). In any case, might I suggest a scene break instead of
a comic bookish "In the Nurse's Office"/"In the Tendo Dojo"/"In whatever
setting and time"/etc.
OTOH, this is in no way a _wrong_ or _ungrammatically_ correct thing to do.
Let's say, for aesthetic/preferential reasons, you want to keep these little
headers about the present setting. Well, you're free to do so... but for my
money, since you don't even use it consistently, I'd suggest dropping it
altogether.
But that's just me.
"Kaia!! Kaia!! Now where did she get to?" Readjusting
his backpack, Ryuu Kakugari continued his search for
his friend.
-_- Oh no, tell it's not a 'Big Brother Sue' fic, please.
Everyone assumes that the brown and black
cat that he traveled with was his pet. It reality,
Kaia was not your usual cat. She was a master of
magic, having trained under some of the greatest
mages in the world.
How... CLAMP-ish. And Mahou-Shojo-ish as well.
eaten in a while and might be low on energy. When
hungry, Kaia was literally weak as a kitten.
And here we see the use of cliche. Again, I'm just noting.
She is
vulnerable then and could easily be beaten by anyone.
Tense confusion again. Please revise the 'is' in between 'she' and
'vulnerable'. Thanks.
Ryuu had looked all over town, but he just couldn't
find her anywhere. Calling out a few more times, Ryuu
hoped he'd run into Kaia, somewhere.
Y'know, because of how you've set things up, I saw the plot point a mile away.
How predictable.
He had heard
news that multiple house cats have gone missing.
There are rumors that it was done by some madman.
City Police have yet to catch the man.
Yet again, there's tense confusion on the second to the last sentence of that
paragraph. Please revise the 'are' in between 'There' and 'rumors' with 'were'.
this. A realistic call for help to try and lure him
into an
ambush.
Formatting error: please put 'ambush' back with 'into an'.
When Ryuu was close he cleared his throat. "Excuse
me, sir?" As the words left his mouth the fat balding
man quickly turned around.
Hmmm. Somehow I get the feeling that you're bashing Genma. Usually, if the
prose is pointing out that he's 'fat' and 'balding', it's a good indicator of a
bash-type fic.
"Let me introduce myself, I am Ryuu Kakugari, master
of the Rising Dragon School of Martial Arts." Ryuu
said,
Martial Arts," Ryuu
Here we go again. (sigh) Also, I'd suggest: "Let me introduce myself; I'm Ryuu
Kakugari,"
Or: "Let me introduce myself... I'm Ryuu Kakugari,"
Also: "Let me introduce myself. I'm Ryuu Kakugari,"
...Just because the comma doesn't lend itself as a natural pause in speech for
me. A bit too quick for my tastes. Either you let me trail off for a bit, make
the next sentence into an independent clause or terminate the sentence starting
at 'myself' altogether.
Ryuu: GAKUUUKEEN! It's like the Hadouken, but spelled different! ^_^
"Well, I'm looking for a cat." Genma's eyes darted
back towards the pit. "She disappeared a few days
ago. I'm worried the cat-napper got her." The more
Ryuu said, the more nervous Genma looked.
Suggest: The more Ryuu talked, the more nervous Genma looked.
They both turned and watched as the hatch exploded
upwards. A red and black blur flew into the air.
>From what I remember, Ranma wasn't wearing the red Chinese shirt by that time,
so he shouldn't be a 'red and black blur'.
Ryuu looked up and instantly recognized a falling
cat. It was a light brown with a white belly, and a
black circle around the right eye. "Kaia!!" Ryuu
leapt past Genma and ran to catch the falling cat.
Genma: (scratching his head) 'Kyaaaa'? What a feminine-sounding scream you have
there, sir!
As soon as he caught Kaia, he established a
telepathic link with the cat. With practiced ease he
asked "Kaia? What's going on?"
asked, "Kaia? What's going on?"
"I think I've heard of it somewhere. Is that the one
where you thrown the young child into the pit of
Ga-h. The tense confusion has somehow spilled into the dialogue as well.
Revise: where you throw the young child into the pit of (change: thrown -->
throw)
"Great." Ryuu started gaining distance on Ranma.
"Wasn't that banned because it turned the person who
learns the technique into an insane, near unstoppable
killing machine?"
Nah. It was banned 'coz it already sounded stupid from the get-go. Killing
machine, huh? Doesn't sound like your average fanon of Ranma becoming an angsty
beast with unstoppable fighting skills, _or_ your average canon of Ranma
becoming a cat _period_. Far as I know, Ranma has never really killed anyone
using the cat fist 'coz, well, it's the cat fist, not the tiger fist. Sounds
extremely fanficcy to me. Are you establishing your own fanon, sir?
OTOH, it sounds peachy, in the whole 'Satsui no Hadou' way. If you can avoid
laughable angst and existentialism, this may actually become quite the
interesting fic. Ah, who am I kidding? Those aren't the only things you'll need
to avoid to keep your fic from falling into the craptacular category...
"Just my luck." Ryuu sighed and started focusing his
energy. "Well... I'll just have to get his attention
before he run's into an innocent."
runs into an innocent."
Grammar Rule #26: Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its
not needed and use it correctly with words� that show possession.
His arm started
glowing and he punched forward and released the
stored energy. "Energy spike!" When Ryuu called out,
a ball of energy shot out towards the retreating
figure.
Yusuke Urameshi: Feh. Been There.
Son Goku: Meh. Done that.
Terry Bogard: (shrugs) Doing it tomorrow. BURN KNUCKLE!
Neko-Ranma sensed the danger and leapt into the air,
dodging the attack. He spun in mid-air
midair (dictionary-verifiable word, hyphen muyo)
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!).
Y'know, 'midair' is one of the most hyphenated words I've ever seen, even
though it doesn't really need hyphenating. Huh.
and landed a
good 50 feet away from Ryuu.
fifty feet away from Ryuu.
Grammar Rule #41: When numbering in a written document, check your numbering
system carefully.
Grammar Rule #fifty-six: Usually, it's better to spell numbers out, but
sometimes that isn't the case.
Ryuu wasted no time. He tossed his backpack out of
the way and settled into a conformable, defensive
stance. His aura was tightly focused around his arms
and were sounded in a golden fire.
I believe the word you're looking for is 'surrounded'. If this is an
alternative and _correct_ way of using 'sounded', then I'm all ears. Otherwise,
replace 'sounded' with 'surrounded' or something similar.
As soon as Neko-Ranma came into range, he started
attacking like a berserker.
...barrage?
Capcom: (contemplates taking legal action, but then realizes that this is a
fanfic, laughs it off)
His arms blurred as he
reached speeds faster than most people can track.
Whaddyaknow. It _is_ a berserker barrage!
Ryuu kept up with the ferocious attack and was able
to dodge or block the berserker attacks.
Third strike, and you're out!
Suggest using words other than berserker, 'coz your paragraph is starting to
get a bit redundant. (words like, oh I dunno, out of control attack, wild and
furious assault, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.)
Grammar Rule #13: Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous and can be excessive.
Grammar Rule #40: Proofread carefully to make sure you don�t repeat repeat any
words.
His entire
body started to blur as he twisted around slash after
slash.
(having flashbacks of Dragon Ball Z) Oh yeah. It'll take a whole month of
episodes before something _actually_ happens. Drag-on Ball indeed.
Ryuu stayed on the defensive until Ranma extended too
far and opened up his torso. With 4 quick strikes to
four quick strikes
The pressure points would only last about a minute,
but that was all Kaia needed to sprint form the
form --> from
Kaia appeared in the great nothingness that was the
subconscious mind. Here, anything could be made,
anything could happen, and everything was real.
Interesting plot point. Too bad I couldn't care less about this new character
Kaia... mostly because, at this point, she's just a name to me, and the fic has
yet to make her into a sympathetic, three-dimensional character. She's rather
flat and uninteresting to me, almost as flat and uninteresting as the
introduction of new characters in a cartoon/television series to revive
interest, often during a show's waning years. Usually _those_ characters are
one-dimensional, unendearing, and Scrappy Doo. That's the same way I feel about
the Shoto-clone Ryuu and his pet Kaia.
Nevertheless, having Kaia dive into Ranma's unconscious mind where 'anything
could be made, anything could happen, and everything was real' is a _really_
interesting plot point. I myself have delved into plot points involving the
mind, dreams, the
subconscious, stream of consciousness, and all that jazz.
In the mind, a person could take any form. Kaia chose
a hybrid between human and cat.
Felicia: This fanfic is a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Fic: (blinks) Um, all fanfics are lawsuits waiting to happen.
Felicia. ...Oh.
Her fur was the same
and she was covered in a skimpy two piece for
modesty's sake.
Felicia: ...Even still!
Fic: (whistles innocently)
In a couple of moments Neko-Ranma materialized before
In a couple of moments, Neko-Ranma (add a comma in between 'moments' and
'Neko-Ranma' to add a natural pause to the sentence and to improve prose flow)
her, one hundred percent cat and madder than hell.
There was a danger in the most important of places
and the intruder must die.
Suggest: There was danger in the most (you don't need the article 'a' in
between 'There was' and 'danger')
It didn't give a warning
it just attacked.
Suggest: It didn't give a warning, it just attacked. (add a comma in between
'warning' and 'it' to add a natural pause to the sentence and to improve prose
flow)
Kaia waited for the last possible moment to twist
around the attack. Behind her, she left a green ball
of energy that Neko-Ranma plowed into.
Neko-Ranma: EEEEWWW! Energy my butt! That's a green pile of--
Kaia: Sssshhh... there's a C&C going on!
As soon as
Neko-Ranma touched the ball, his body froze and the
ball expanded to surround him. Neko-Ranma looked
frozen in time.
Neko-Ranma: I am covered in--!
Kaia: (buries Neko-Ranma in a litter box)
"Well that was easy." Kaia said to herself as she
started weaving another spell. One that would prevent
Neko-Ranma from escaping the prison she just created.
She spent a few moments focusing her power as a
yellow net added an extra layer of support to the
seal. "That should keep the neko-ken locked away
until it can be dealt with it."
(sigh) Things really _were_ too easy. Hell, nobody was even there to appreciate
Kaia's little fanservice, but I suppose that's because it was mostly reserved
for the fans. (groan) But were said easy things interesting reading? No. Not at
all. But I'm getting ahead of myself... who knows? Maybe by the time the
Nekoken's unsealed, it'd be a force to be reckoned with unseen since the days
when Hearts of Ice was _the_ Ranma fanfic of choice for many people. I just
hope I'll still be interested enough to read this when that time comes...
Back in the real world, the energy surrounding the
two faded. The whole mental battle took about 5
5 --> five
You might as well be consistent, since you spelled-out 'two'.
seconds but this didn't bother Ryuu. He had seen kaia
Kaia (cap the 'k' in 'kaia' since it's a formal name to address the Miss
Felicia rip-off)
do this a few times before and this was about what
ito expect.
about what 'ito' expect? Sounds Engrish to me. Suggest major revision of that
sentence. I can't suggest anything 'coz I have no idea what that sentence is
saying.
So when, the energy dissipated he pulled
Kaia away from Ranma and went to get his backpack.
Get rid of the comma after 'So when' and before 'the energy'; you don't need
it.
Slipping Kaia into her pouch and situating the pack,
he gathered up the small boy. He waited until Kaia
awoke and re-established
reestablished (dictionary-verifiable word, no need for the hyphen)
"He will live." The cat said tiredly.
"He will live," the cat said tiredly. (speech indicator, since the cat _said_,
"He will live")
"For now he
sleeps and will awaken in time. For now, I am
famished. Be a dear and setup camp, away from the
boys' father,
boy's father (there's only one boy, and his name is Ranma)
Grammar Rule #26: Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its
not needed and use it correctly with words� that show possession. (Same here.)
Poor Genma.
Ryuu shook his head and stared off to find a place to
setup camp. He'd hopefully figure out what to do with
this new bundle of trouble before said bundle woke up
from its forced slumber.
(groan) Yep. This really is a setup for a Big Brother Sue fic.
Little did Ryuu know that the precious cargo in his
arms would effect all around him.
(giggles) Would 'effect' all around him, eh? Repeat after me!
effect: as a verb, means to bring about as a result
affect: always a verb, means to influence
Also, your verb ('effect') is 'effecting' what? I think it should be 'would
affect everything all around him.'
---
Some time later
First of all: it should be 'Sometime'... it _is_ a word, y'know.
Secondly: I've stated my dislike for this amateurish way of segueing one scene
to the next. One can always write a paragraph or use more subtle means to
describe that time had already passed without being too ambiguous. This isn't
comics, this is prose. Please make use of written prose's strong points,
because it certainly does not share a comic's advantages of using visual aids
to tell a story. No need for these heavy-handed writing devices.
It's as
if your mind is slowly turning on, kind of a "boot
up" sequence. Your senses are active but you don't
recognize what is going on.
(ahem) Again...
Grammar Rule #55: When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.
Ranma was in such a
place trying to get a few more seconds of sleep
before his father would always wake him up.
Suggest: before his father woke him up. (adding 'would always wake' sounds
wrong to me)
His mind
was on standby and his body was relaxed, but ready to
move at any moment. Usually he
would wake up being thrown from his bed.
Missing word: 'after' or 'while' in between 'up' and 'being'.
In the air
his body and mind woke up the rest of the way and the
day started for Ranma.
That's a car-wreck sentence if I ever saw one. Please revise the above sentence
by separating its multiple thoughts into standalone sentences, punctuating it
correctly, and/or by simply shearing of the needless fluff.
Suggest: His body and mind would typically wake up just before he began his
descent from his sudden flight... because this was how Ranma Saotome usually
starts his day.
This time, there was no morning flight out of bed.
Instead there was the smell of delicious food.
Instead, there was the smell of delicious food.
Real men awoke with
the sun.
(shrugs) I merely suggest: awoke --> wake up
Same difference? I think not.
He got off the sleeping roll he was sleeping on and
(shrugs) To avoid redundancy, please substitute 'sleeping roll' with 'futon' or
substitute the second 'sleeping' into 'slumbering'/'snoozing'/'dozing off'
Ranma's stomach decided then to make itself known and
remind Ranma the it wanted some attention.
Gah. Somebody proofread this fic, quick.
Revise: 'the it' into 'that it'
He looked
around the camp, looking for the source of the
delicious smell that woke him up. Glancing around the
camp, Ranma spotted a fire pit a few feet with two
Suggest: add 'away from him' after 'a few feet'. Also, get rid of second
instance of 'the camp' to avoid redundancy. Needless repetition is a pet peeve
of mine, y'see.
pots keeping warm on the edge.
(wince) Suggest getting rid of the 'keeping warm' thing (it just sounds wrong)
and revise it to 'two warm pots sitting on the edge' or something.
Rubbing his stomach, Ranma walked over to the fire
pit. There was a low wooden table by the fire that
was just big enough to hold a bowl and a pair of
chopsticks on it. Ranma
looked around to see if anyone was around. The camp
Formatting error. Put the line 'looked around...' beside the line
'chopsticks on it. Ranma' and then reformat accordingly.
appeared empty and Ranma rationalized that he should
eat while he can.
Yep. He truly is a son of Genma Saotome.
"Hey, where did you come from little kitty.
Revise: Hey, where did you come from, little kitty?
Are you
hungry?" The cat sat down and meowed.
By Ranma's reaction, obviously the Nekoken has been locked and locked good. I,
for one, am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But judging from the
quality of this fic, it may never will.
"Hello Ranma, how are you feeling today?"
Suggest: Hello, Ranma. How are you feeling today?
Or: Hello, Ranma... How are you feeling today?
Also: Hello, Ranma; how are you feeling today?
Ranma remained silent but slowly continued eating,
keeping his eyes on the stranger in front of him. He
needed to find father, he'd know what to do with this
strange man.
Suggest: find father... he'd know (replace the comma with an ellipsis)
The man paused, waiting for Ranma to say something.
Since the young boy didn't seem to want to be so
talkative,
(double wince) That's a big pile of infinitives there. I'd suggest: didn't seem
too talkative (it cuts down on the redundancy thing I was telling you about)
he went on. "You had us worried Ranma. We
You had us worried, Ranma. (add a comma after 'worried' and before 'Ranma')
see that you are still alive. You've been through
quite an ordeal my young friend."
You've been through quite an ordeal, my young friend."
"Neko-ken training?" Ranma asked quietly, "Papa said
yesterday that he had found the ultimate technique
that we were to start called that."
Suggest: getting rid of 'that we were to start'; sounds a bit too extraneous
and gratuitous for my tastes.
"You mean to say that you don't remember anything?"
Ryuu looked at Ranma with concern. "I know that it
was a traumatic experience for both of you, but
you've been learning the neko-ken for at least quite
some time now.
Suggest: sometime now.
Ryuu sighed and looked down sadly. "Ranma, I'm sorry
but your father is most likely dead." He watched as
the small bowl slipped from Ranma's hands and fell to
the earth.
(thundershock!) I didn't see that one coming.
He felt something deep inside start to tremble, call
out to him. Something terrible and deadly. Something
that delighted in the sight of a Genma soaking the
ground with his blood.
Hmmm. Now this is becoming quite the darkfic.
Who craved the madness to
descend upon Ranma again.
Suggest: Who craved for the madness (add 'for' in between 'Who craved' and 'the
madness')
It felt as if he had a
monster trapped within him, screaming to be let out.
Ranma felt himself begging to sink into this new
terror. His mind slowly being filled with a red haze.
Suggest: terror; his mind (replace period with semicolon and combine 'terror'
sentence with 'His mind' fragment)
"Ranma" It called again, pulling Ranma away the bad
feelings while filling him with a warmth that he had
never felt before. It was as if the gentle voice was
pushing away the madness and Ranma clung to it like a
drowning boy clings to anything afloat.
Suggest: like how a drowning boy (add 'how' in between 'like' and 'a drowning
boy')
"Ranma, you'll be okay" the voice continued. "There's
nothing you can do to change what happened here
today. You'll be save here.
Gah.
save --> safe
Ranma slowly peaked over
peaked over --> peeked into
"Yes Ranma," He heard as the cat tilted its head.
Uh, 'heard' isn't a speech indicator, so you should replace the comma after
'Ranma' into a period. Yeah.
Again Ranma looked to the man. He smiled and dried
Ranma's face with a handkerchief. "Keep your chin up
Ranma, I can't have my new apprentice be all tears
and sadness."
"You're... what?"
"Apprentice.
Ranma: I thought _I_ was going to be your new apprentice. So you're saying that
you're an apprentice?
Hmmm. Apprentice. Sounds wizard-y to me. That, or Trump-y.
Before Ranma could give a word
of protest, Ryuu lifted the young boy back to his
feet and pulled him to the fire.
(chuckles)
Ryuu: (puts Ranma to the fire) Be my apprentice, or DIE!
Taking the hint from Ryuu, Ranma began to eat his
food and sat down, overwhelmed. His father never gave
him choices, it was always orders with papa. Ranma
didn't know what to do, with papa gone, there was no
one to take care of him. Sure the training was tough,
but papa always knew what to do. It was comforting,
and without it, Ranma felt lost. Without direction or
hope of finding his way.
Aw. Genma-haters should read this. Well, 'Genma-haters' can actually include a
grownup Ranma, really...
Over the next two day, Ranma took Ryuu's advice and
Okay, so now the Jusenkyo Guide's narrating this fic?
Revise: Over the next two days ('day' should be plural)
relaxed. His body had been pushed to the limits and
needed time to recover. He had chatted with both Ryuu
and Kaia about random things to pass the time, and
Ranma got to know a little more about this mysterious
duo.
Fic: Show, not tell? Too long. Let's cut to the chase!
"Alright,
All right,
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
Grammar Rule #24: Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
let's go then. You and I are going to have
quite the adventure, I'm sure of it. Welcome to your
new life Ranma, I hope you enjoy it."
Suggest: new life, Ranma;
Or: new life, Ranma...
Also: new life, Ranma.
With that, he turned and started walking, with his
new apprentice in tow.
---
End of chapter 1
::Author's notes::
Wow... finally got this revised... It's been forever
since I've had a chance to write. Hopefully, since I
now have a laptop, I'll be able to spend more time
writing. I have chapter 2 almost done and I'm going
to revise it a bit to make sure that everything fits.
Three years, huh? Nowadays, the trend is to hit the ten year mark. You can't
blame people for having a life, after all.
First off, there were formatting problems here and there, so go at it and fix
'em for the sake of easier reading. Also, you had several punctuation problems
concerning commas, ellipsis, and periods as well. Thirdly, your sentence
structure seems off at times. A good proofread should fix all that (more on
that below).
Grammar Lesson No. 1: When a speaker identifies who is spoken to, the
identification must be separated from anything else by a comma.
These commas may seem like a little thing, but they are vitally important,
because leaving them out can completely change the meaning of your sentence.
"I volunteer, Ranma!" is something Genma is very unlikely to say.
"I volunteer Ranma!" is something Genma is very likely to say.
"I wanna eat, Akane!" is business as usual for Ranma. "I wanna eat Akane!" is
grounds for a pounding.
Grammar Lesson No. 2: When there's a speech indicator (said, asked, replied,
pondered, elaborated) indicating that the dialogue (anything the character says
inside the quotation marks) is being said by the 'speaker' (hence 'speech
indicator'), and you're ending the speaker's dialogue with a period instead of
an exclamation point or a question mark, please replace the period with a
comma. If there's no speech indicator in the following statement after the
dialogue, then the following sentence is a separate sentence that has nothing
to do with the dialogue.
i.e. "I'll say something," Kaia said. "Now see me say lots of things, but this
time my name 'Kaia' will be in pronoun form to show that my dialogue and 'she
added' are not two separate sentences but one continuous sentence," she added.
"Oops, I think I made a run-on sentence!" She giggled.
Also, here are some several grammar rules which I'd like to go through:
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes. (Something that need
not be stated, but since everyone's ignoring this very basic rule, what the
hell. Spellcheck, then spellcheck your spellcheck. If this fic was merely sent
to the list hastily, then proofread it. Please, don't make the FFML into your
personal spellchecker. Get prereaders/proofreaders if you haven't. I think the
main problem with this fic is that you sent this off without so much as a
reread as if it's a first or second draft; even though this has already been
revised, this the impression I had.)
Grammar Rule #13: Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous and can be excessive. (Heh. Maybe I should use my own
advice, but then again what I'm doing here is C&C and not fanfic. Well, authors
can get real touchy about the subject of rendundancy. Some authors debate that
redundancy and repeated words can be a good thing, since substituting them with
more esoteric terms can make the story redundant in a whole different way.
Still, there are other authors who avoid reusing the same word in the same
sentence/paragraph as much as possible. It's your call.)
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas. (This one's quite self
explanatory.)
Grammar Rule #24: Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
(Ditto with this one.)
Grammar Rule #26: Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its
not needed and use it correctly with words' that show possession. (Same here.)
Grammar Rule #25: Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth
earth-shaking ideas; Grammar Rule #33: Exaggeration is a billion times worse
than understatement. (I'll hit two birds with one stone on this time; in
writing, one should be subtle. Heavy-handed and ham-fisted sentences can ruin
prose, and nothing says 'newbie' like exaggerating each and every instance as
if its an end-of-the-world scenario. Insinuate more, suggest more, and less
stating of the painfully obvious. Brevity is wit and cleverness isn't mutually
exclusive to subtlety.)
Grammar Rule #40: Proofread carefully to make sure you don�t repeat repeat any
words. (Speaking of proofreading, do just that. Proofread, I mean. It takes
care of those avoidable, brain fart mistakes like shifting tenses and repeating
words. Though you probably already know this, it needs to be said: read your
dialogue out loud. This is the best indication you'll ever have of if it sounds
right, makes sense, and flows properly. If it feels weird to say it, chances
are that it'll feel very weird to read it. Also, let it percolate. If you have
time, let it sit for a few weeks, then read it over. Without what you think you
wrote in fresh in your mind, you'll have a much better chance of catching
strange misspellings, nonsensical sentences, and other problems. If you've just
written the story, it's very difficult to edit it yourself because you know
exactly what it should say; so you read what you think you wrote, rather than
what you actually wrote.)
Grammar Rule #41: When numbering in a written document, check your numbering
system carefully; Grammar Rule #fifty-six: Usually, it's better to spell
numbers out, but sometimes that isn't the case. In general, I've seen
professional authors opt for spelling numbers out instead of writing their
numerical forms. The obvious exceptions to the rule (usually) are actual dates
(October 28, 2005), exact numbers which are large in amount (1,234,567,890) or
writing the numerical year instead of the spelled-out version (1983, as opposed
to nineteen eighty-three... though the latter is also good, IMO). In any case,
a good rule of thumb is this: if a number won't look awkward or needlessly long
when written as words, then go use its worded version... otherwise, go with its
numerical form.
Grammar Rule #55: When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!).
As for the story itself...
First, here's your Novocain: I loved how Ranma and Genma were, more or less,
kept IC throughout the run of the fic. The way the cat person got into Ranma's
psyche and the way you described how the subconscious works was also very cool.
The fact that there's a ticking, mass-murdering time bomb inside Ranma is also
a compelling plot point that's just begging to be fleshed out. And, even though
the whole 'Nekoken' thing has been explored way before in fanfics numerous
times (the best treatment of which is in Hearts of Ice, where Ms Perry... now a
Mrs... set the standard in Nekoken fanfic lore), I'm sure there are still lots
of fascinating ways to retell the story. (/Novocain dose)
And now, here are some concerns I have over the story:
(ahem) I'm sure you've noticed how I kept going on and on about your fic being
yet another 'Big Brother Sue/Stu' fic. Now, what's a 'Big Brother Sue/Stu' fic,
you might ask? Well, it's a term I've coined to describe the cliche fanfic
premise of introducing yet another annoying new character but the twist is that
they act as a parent surrogate/master/mentor/big brother to the canon main
character after some tragic happening that leaves the character
orphaned/master-less. Your fic fits this description to a T. Though it is of
note that there wasn't all that much Genma-bashing in this fic (as there is a
tendency to bash Genma in this sort of fic), it's also of note how easily Ryuu
and Kaia overcame the Nekoken technique, how willing they are to help Ranma
with little to no reward 'out of the goodness of their heart', and how noble
they are for keeping an eye out of a kid that's essentially a, well, killing
spree waiting to happen. It's... sickening, to say the least.
To elaborate, Ryuu is indeed Mary Sue's big brother Stu. And it's not because
he's perfect or anything. There are more kinds of Stus than the usual
God-modding Stu.
It's because Gary Stu's such as him are 'more'. Big Brother Gary Stu is often
easy to spot because he's impossible to miss. Put simply, though the Gary Stu
in this fic isn't all that powerful and some such, he is still singular; he is
hard to ignore. He certainly more in comparison to Genma... has more hair, (:P)
is more belligerent, and definitely a more charming surrogate than Genma would
ever hope to be (though I am glad that Ranma continued to look up to his old
man after whole debacle). He's also more powerful, as evidenced by the way he
staved off Neko-Ranma while Genma was, well, killed by the very same
hell-beast. He's also a rip-off in regards to special techniques, making him
more of a, well, 'yawn'. He provides Ranma with food while Ranma's reactions to
them would indicate a poor parental figure that he still looked up to (again,
the 'still looked up to' part is a good call on the part of the fic). That is,
he's not really that horrible, cloyingly perfect, or some such... he's just a
flat, uninteresting, charitable plot point that's more of an event to move the
story along than an actual, honest-to-goodness character.
If anything, other than functioning as plot points to keep Ranma company and to
keep him from reverting to your deadlier version of the Nekoken technique,
there's not much of anything interesting about these two... people. They seem
too nice and too willing to help Ranma the charity case, as if they were
specifically created to be there when Ranma's time of need came. I know,
there's a lot to be said about fate, serendipity and destiny, but
fic-writing-wise, this whole plot point all comes out as a bit contrived. The
way Kaia instantly staved off Ranma's demonic feline self by using her magical
cat powers reads to me as deux ex machina considering the inner workings of
established anime and manga canon.
To expound further, Kaia is a deux ex machina simply because she _is_ the
resolution to Ranma's Nekoken woes (however temporary it is would be
irrelevant) such that she's unexpectably powerful, can manipulate minds, her
characterization is artificial and forced, and she's mainly there to untangle
the plot point of Ranma acquiring something that's more akin to the Tiger's
Claw than the Cat Fist (seeing how he easily he had dispatched Genma with the
deadly technique). She just screams ripoff, and yet again her characterization
is as thin as onion paper.
The saddest part of the fic is that even _Ranma_ was characterized as flat. The
dramatic parts where the reader should feel for him has left me feeling 'Meh.'
It's like you can replace Ranma at this point with any other boy who had lost
their parent... if this sounds profound to you, then that's really not the
case.
[Soapbox: So these two new characters are nothing more than Big Brother Gary
Stu and his pet plot device, Deux ex Machina. Contrived much? (sigh) Honestly,
there's not much of anything interesting here that'll compel me to read more of
this fic. In my experience, there are very few Suethor fics I've read that I've
actually enjoyed, and most of them are parodies and/or have underlying plots
that distract me from the stink that is the Mary Sue/Gary Stu. (shrugs) Take
that opinion of mine as you will, but I still believe that despite my dislike
of this particular genre, it's not an excuse to disregard all of my comments
altogether like a whiny little child who has been 'insulted' or some such. I'd
like to clarify that this isn't a simple "bash the fic" thing I'm doing here.
This is a critique. Please don't go mentally simplifying my comments
(incorrectly) as "He just didn't like my fic so anything he says can't be taken
seriously." It's your jurisdiction to ignore the comments, yes, and to take
them with a grain of salt, yes, but please do at least consider that this isn't
just bias talking when I say, "This fanfic is as hackneyed and cliche as Akane
punting Ranma into the crystal clear skies of infinite blue."]
My unsolicited advice to you? To avoid treading the path of cliche, Gary Stu
and gratuitous Deux ex Machina usage, remember this: if a powerful character
like Cologne was defeated by the
canon-and-harmless-in-comparison-to-your-version Nekoken, (a Joketsuzoku
matriarch with years and years of experience in the martial arts) then what
more this shoto-clone Ryuu? At the very least, he'd lose an arm against such a
powerful foe... so don't make it so easy for him to stave Ranma off. Make Ranma
look more dangerous (a plus for your plot) by limiting Ryuu's abilities for a
bit against the face of the Nekoken. Furthermore, I still think that Ryuu could
be improved as a new character by means of getting into his head. We've barely
seen any of his background, which is bad. What's missing is his own feelings
about the whole situation. We don't get into his head to see what drives him.
His motivations for helping Ranma overcome his Nekoken and taking him in as his
apprentice come off as paper-thin, because we really don't know what motivates
him in general.
People don't exist for the sake of a plot point (most existentialists would
disagree). Add reality to your characters by giving them objectives and
super-objectives. The Super-objective is what they want out of the situation,
and the objectives are minor steps to getting the super-objective, each one
pertaining to a new situation within the super-objective. If your character�s
super-objective is to win the love of Person X, or to charitably and
conveniently lead Person X to a 'new life' without so much as payback or hidden
agenda, then there's not much depth in that character. Depth is reality,
reality is originality.
Also, cut the crap about making Kaia a rip-off of Felicia; she doesn't need to
'turn humanoid' in Ranma's subconscious, 'coz it's pointless and doesn't add
anything to the fic. And if you really want her to have such powerful psychic
powers, then don't make her out into a Professor Xavier or even _the_ walking
Deux ex Machina herself, Lifeguard of X-men fame. Sure, Kaia's no Superman, but
to make sure she doesn't come out that way, limit her powers. Have her
acknowledge the fact that her quick-fix sealing of the Nekoken isn't quite
enough to free Ranma and that, more often than not, Ranma will continue to
relapse to his Nekoken state as time passes by; he would have to learn to
control the Nekoken through constant training or, if you must, through an
overly dramatic time of great need (tm).
Make sure she has a reason for being there. If she's just there to move the
plot, to give Ryuu a way to seal Ranma's Nekoken, that's okay, but it's much
better if she reveals something about Ryuu's character, either through their
interactions or just by contrast.
People just like you used their imaginations to come up with the storyline for
something that there was very little information on. You have a story to work
with. Use your imagination and make the story your own. Do research. If you
don�t know a lot about the time period or location of the story, look it up.
Making up things that "sound good" often aren't as good as one would think...
i.e., Ryuu's and Kaia's respective powers, their lack of clear-cut motivations
aside from being 'random super-powered good Samaritans', and their lack of an
origin story or even a hint of who they are or where they came from.
As such, it's now standard ending disclaimer time.
Kudos to you for making a fic which you and your fans would fully enjoy. As
such, I wish you luck on your future ficcing endeavors and I do hope you keep
on entertaining your ficcy fans with the (strictly IMO) Sue-ish slants of your
fic. Who cares if I didn't like your fic? Just because I hated it doesn't mean
it's the worst fic in all of fandom. I'm sure you'll find your niche, if ever.
And if not, well, there's always room for improvement.
In any case, ignore my vinegar-laced comments if you'd like. I'm only "keeping
it real" and telling you straight out what I found wrong in the fic. If you
want to keep your fic as is, good. Let's agree to disagree. If you found my
comments helpful in some level, even better. The best advice I could give you
that you needn't take with a grain of salt is to keep on writing... It's the
best solution to a flat Gary Stu character, a plot device familiar that's a
ripoff of catgirls everywhere, and an even flatter Ranma. I would also suggest
to you to read less fics and more actual books and literature; it really helps.
In short, keep on writing. That's my buck and a half. Abdiel out.
------------------
"Engrish: A language that hide in black place, fight up other speaking, and for
extra word inside the pockets he look."
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