And to show that I am indeed still writing, though the rest of this
might be a little time coming. Anyway, here's the prolgue to the last
chapter to Act 2
And, to make up for certain snarky comments earlier, herewith some
comments... ^_^
Commenting as I read, without having gone through the chapter first.
Prologue
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Jonas Hale, Roxxon�s Oil and Gas operations chief, surveyed the sparse
If Roxxon decided to diversify into the porn industry, would they
name their daughter company Roxxoff?
The local heads of operations in Japan, Yoshihiro Kimura walked over to
Jonas. �It�s secure, Sir,� he said in impeccable English.
heads ==> head
Needs a comma after "Kimura".
Not sure that "Sir" needs a capital letter.
Incidentally I note that you've got smart quotes enabled. They seem to
be coming through okay, but just a heads-up.
�Seal the door and load it on the transport.� Jonas ordered. As the
Comma after "transport".
Jonas looked around to ascertain the two were indeed alone, then began.
�When the Challengers of the Fantastic and Fantastic Four defeated
Prester John, his weapon, the so-called �Evil Eye of Avalon� was
Info dump! Info dump! Seal all airtight doors!
Not a big Marvel reader, sorry, so I don't recognise most of the names.
(Apart from the F4, obviously.)
Needs a comma after "Avalon".
Jonas pointed to the giant container. �That mobile vault is made of
adamantium. Not adamantium steel. Pure adamantium.� He watched as
someone applied a liquid to the seal. Within seconds it hardened. �And
now that the piece of the Eye is inside, the door itself is now sealed
with adamantium we had been keeping in its liquid state. Now that it�s
hardened, even we can�t open it. At least not here. The only way to open
it is with a molecular rearranger, and it�s not like you can pick one up
in your local department store.�
Obviously he does not shop at the right department stores.
�Superheroes.� Jonas pointed at what appeared to be a standard yellow
school bus approaching from the west. The pair watched as it pulled up
to the site, only to be surrounded by a large number of guards with high
tech weaponry. Yoshihiro watched in disbelief as four men dressed in
American Football uniforms exited the bus. They wore red tops, white
pants, and full padding. Each had a black helmet with a vicious-looking
bat etched on the side. The outfits only differed by the numbers on each
man�s jersey. However, despite the identical nature of their outfits,
they were easy to tell apart. One was huge, both in height and girth.
Most sumos would probably fall before someone that big. A second was
small, with oversized hands and huge bare feet, and almost seemed to
move like a monkey. One of the others was short as well, though there
seemed to be something� furtive about him. The final member was tall and
>from his bearing the leader. He had an oversized sports equipment bag,
the barrels of a number of weapons sticking out.
The leader handed a number of documents to the guards that confronted
them, giving a maniacal laugh that chilled Yoshihiro to the bone.
But Jonas simply have a maniacal laugh in return, to be friendly.
The
laugh seemed to unnerve even he man�s teammates. After their identity
even the man's
was verified, the group walked over to where Jonas and his subordinate
stood waiting for them.
The leader smiled, his teeth honed to sharpened points. To Jonas he
said, �Eyeshield 21 at your service.�
While the first part was obvious, given that the all wore eyeshields to
they all
�It�s Gibbon! Not Monkey Boy! Gibbon! Gibbon!� The little man began
dancing, resembling nothing so much as an irate monkey.
He's doing the Funky Gibbon?
Crimson Commando looked at the man in confusion. Then he said, �Oh,
right. That�s Mr. Anonymous. He�s so plain, he tends to blend in to the
background. Don�t feel bad. I forget he�s on the team most of the time,
too.�
�Wait, there�re five of us?� Gibbon asked.
Mr. Anonymous� sigh was so passive, no one knew he had made it.
Heh.
Jonas nodded. �Now that the introductions are out of the way, here�s
your mission.�
�Game plan,� Crimson Commando corrected.
Heh.
�I know who you�re fighting,� Crimson Commando said. He looked to the
two men. �You with the corny snake think on your head. What�s your name?�
think ==> thing
The one with the serpentine lower half spoke. �And I am Bushmaster. My
abilities are� self-explanatory.� His lower half lashed back and forth.
He ... masters bushes?
�They aren�t too tight, are they?� Super Sabre asked, concern in his voice.
Her writhing increased . �No, but I can�t move a muscle, and it�s really
turning me on.�
Heh.
�What?� Super Sabre asked, his jaw dropping.
Coachwhip began breathing hard, as though she had just raced in a
marathon. �Bondage is so erotic. Why don�t you put me over your knee and
spank me for being a bad girl?�
Super Sabre began to back away in fear. �No way!�
�Do a good enough job and I might reform,� Coachwhip offered.
�I�m not that sort of guy.�
Coachwhip tried wiggling toward him. �Whip my ass! You know you want to!�
Super Sabre ran away from her in terror.
Hm. Which of them does that count as a win for? ^_^
Rock Python went from the dart. His fingers had just brushed against it
from ==> for
�Maybe superheroeing won�t get us killed after all,� Super Sabre said in
relief.
Not sure the third "e" belongs there in "superheroeing".
The villain clapped. �Bravo. Nice work. I sincerely thought those four
would do better with their audition.�
�Audition? What is this? Tryouts for �Super-villain Idol�?� Crimson
Commando snapped.
Well, dang. I'd watch that program.
Super Sabre�s unconscious body skidded across the ground at a speed in
excess of one hundred kilometer an hour. He kicked up a dust cloud that
stretched for a full kilometer before friction and inertia forced him to
stop.
Aye, there's the rub ...
While Stonewall fell to Asp, Crimson Commando was in motion. To Gibbon
he yelled, �Run interference!� While he aimed a gun at the still casual
Sidewinder.
Should be a lower-case "w" in "while", I think.
Gibbon looked at the half dozen super villains heading toward him and
Crimson Commando. �Oh what the hell?� He gave a war cry and leapt for
Should perhaps be: "Oh, what the hell." (With comma and period.)
Crimson Commando knew it was over,
He's forgotten his last member, obviously. Mr ... Mr ... ooh, it's right
on the tip of my tongue ... ^_^
refused to move. Crimson Commando smiled. He had worked with Super Sabre
before. No matter how quick Black Racer was, she wasn�t fast enough to
prevent Crimson Commandos reflexes from firing first.
Commando's
A lead pipe to the back of the head sent her to the ground.
Ayup.
Mr. Anonymous found himself set upon by over a dozen super villains, and
learned the hard way that sometimes anonymity was a blessing.
Uh-huh.
After beating the hero within an inch of his life, the serpents backed
away, though they double-checked the area to make sure no one else was
lurking in the background.
Like, for example, Jonas and Yoshihiro, last seen taking cover with their
guards?
Now certain the area was secure, Sidewinder walked over to the vault. A
beautiful woman in a skimpy skin tight black outfit, and adorned with a
trio of lifelike small snakes wrapped around her body, examined the vault.
Is there some kind of natural law (other than male hormones) that says
all female heroes or villains wear skin-tight outfits?
What do they do about chafing?
�Teleportation. Not much of an offensive power, but unparalleled in
obtaining hard to get merchandise.� Sidewinder held a peculiar device in
his hand. It almost appeared to be a holder for a torch, in approval.
"in approval" doesn't seem to go with the rest of the sentence.
Cottonmouth then showed his superhuman ability as his jaw literally
dropped a foot and a half, showing off a set of razor sharp teeth. He
lunged forward, his mouth widening to inhuman dimensions as he engulfed
Fer De Lance�s entire head. His jaws shut with an audible snap. There
was the sound of bone breaking as he drew his head back.
Fer De Lance�s headless corpse sprayed blood everywhere as the body fell
backward, spasming reflexively.
... Okay, that I didn't see coming ...
this cozy little hideaway in Hawaii for our base of operations. No dark
dank fortresses in the middle of nowhere for us. It�ll be fun in the sun
and ocean waves lapping at our feet��
Goldfish shoals nibbling at their toes?
Okay, as a teaser this is ... teasing. I don't recognise any of the
characters, so it'll be interesting to see where hey fit in. Will look
forward to the complete chapter.
Cheers,
Angus