Yes, I realize there are no next episode scenes at the end. I'm working
on the next chapter, so I'll put those in REAL SOON NOW. They highly suck
anyway, so I'm dropping them when I get to season 2. That'll be Real Soon
Now. Two more episodes, and this big space battle story arc will conclude
and I can start bringing in other anime series.

---

NARRATOR: IN THE LAST EPISODE, HORRIBLE PLOTS HAVE BEEN REVEALED, MAXIM
COLTRANE HAS MADE FOR SPACE, AND NOW IT IS UP TO BRANCH-X TO SAVE THE
WORLD!

========================================================================

Warnings: Plot, interesting things happening
          Graphic violence, use of firearms, death and dismemberment
          Implied sex between mystical beings/monster/demons and humans
          Casual use of explicit language
          Present-tense descriptions

========================================================================

C&C, Flames, Anything, welcome at: rick_spiff@yahoo.com

Posted at Insanity Production's home page:
        http://www.geocities.com/rick_spiff/





~ Begin fic ~

[Opening Music is Metallica's 'Enter Sandman' played very loudly. A
montage of shots flash by to the bars of the song, mostly of the
Sidestep cast and various Eva characters dressed in kick-ass clothes
and shooting things out of frame. Splattered here and there among the
characters are various explosions for variety.]

[Music cuts out.]




[EXT. COLTRANE INDUSTRIES SECRET LAUNCH PLATFORM - TWO DAYS AGO.]

[Open on a massive gunmetal gray rocket cradled snugly in it's tower, a
silent juggernaut awaiting the moment millions of pounds of thrust can
be directed into staving off the muddy grip of the earth herself, and
shooting for the stars. On the top deck of the launch tower, Miko Mido
waits patiently to board. Twelve other Coltrane Industries employees
wait with her, all dressed identically in gray jumpsuits with silver
piping. Miko looks forlornly at the sky, spares the rocket a derisive
sneer, then returns to scanning the evening sky as it slowly turns from
burning orange to cool blue, then to the sparking black of night.]

Miko: (muttering) Stupid rocket. Stupid mission... I miss him.

[Jack comes up behind her and drops a hand on her shoulder.]

Jack: Nervous?

[Miko glances pointedly at the other employees. Jack continues as if he
doesn't notice.]

Jack: Yeah. I'm scared about the launch too. It's not something you do
every day. (he poses dramatically, the American flag suddenly flapping
majestically in the non-existent wind behind him) But we do this for the
good of the world!

[Miko giggles at his antics.]

Jack: Well, don't worry, we'll be up there soon.

Miko: Thanks, Jack.

[He shares a somber look with her that says 'and the it gets scary.'
Miko nods.]

Miko: (thinking) James... I'm counting on you...


----------

Episode 11: Hope/
            The Most Delicious Poison

----------


[INT. DAVE'S GOD OFFICE - AFTERNOON.]

[Dave sits at his desk when his sometimes-partner in terror and mayhem
enters, singing a Guns & Roses song with great enthusiasm. James is even
playing some air guitar to match the tune, which he's obviously listen
to way too many times.. Dave sits up in his seat and ignores the folder
in his hands for a moment to listen to James make an idiot of himself.]

James: (to the tune of 'Garden of Eden') I ain't superstitious, but I
know when something's wrong. I've been dragging my heels with a bitch
called hope--let the undercurrent drag me along! Lost in the garden of
Eden! Said we're lost in the garden of Eden! And there's no one's gonna
believe this... but we're lost in the garden of Eden!

[James really wails into the guitar solo, trying to scat some guitar
sounds that wind up sounding like a dying cat.]

Dave: James?

James: (halts in the middle of some delicate finger work) Hm?

Dave: (carefully measured smile) I love ruining your good moods.

James: (cautiously) Which means...

Dave: Coltrane's in space.

James: And?

Dave: The weapons platform he has been building is up there with him.

James: Fuck!

Dave: Miko and Jack went up there last night.

James: Double fuck!

Dave: Nice exclamation, but your thoughts?

James: This is too early. (just realizing this) We're screwed.

[Dave takes one last glance at his intelligence report. Words describing
holographic projection equipment are quickly covered up as he closes the
folder.]

Dave: How soon do you think we can be ready to launch?

James: No idea. I'll throw everything we have into making something
usable. I already know where I can get a launch vehicle, and building
the ship shouldn't take long...

Dave: You found one already?

James: I just have a good idea of where I can get one. I'll send John
and Sherridan to pick it up. They'll be good at negotiating it out of
the authorities.

Dave: So what did you pick without my knowledge or consent?

James: A Saturn V rocket.

[This is the famed rocket which sent American astronauts to the moon.
Parts of one can be found on display at the Johnson Space Center in
Houston, Texas. Think HUGE.]

Dave: Hold it, hold it! I thought those things were decommissioned
thirty _years_ ago.

James: (shrugs) So we've got some work to do. At least our liquid
hydrogen won't go to waste.

[Dave reaches for his computer, but freezes as the words are processed.]

Dave: Excuse me? (moves only his head so he can glare at James) Where
did we get enough liquid hydrogen to fill a thirty-six story rocket?

James: (shrugs) You probably don't want to know.

Dave: (retrieves his laptop and sits down slowly) James, this mission
needs to be kept low profile. Launching one of the largest and most
recognizable rockets in the history of space exploration IS NOT LOW
PROFILE!

James: Hey, it isn't like we have our fair pick of rockets. There hasn't
been a huge market for the things since Second Impact!

Dave: (muttering) Damn. I was hoping for something smaller and simpler.

James: (proudly) The Saturn V is renown for never exploding during
launch. I thought that would make you happy.

Dave: (gives James a suspicious glare) There is a first time for
everything.

James: If it will make you feel better, you can drive.

Dave: (sighs) You're worried about Miko, aren't you?

James: (smiles) Is it that obvious?

Dave: Completely.

James: Oh. (snaps his fingers) One last thing to show you before I
leave.

[James fast-draws a stupidly long katana and slices Dave's desk clean in
half. This is all the more impressive when one considers that said desk
was carved from a single slab of granite and weighs as much as a small
pickup.]

Dave: (holding onto two halves of a once-working laptop) I'm glad I
backed up. Now, what was that for?

[James reverently lays the sword across Dave's desk. In response, the
desk's halves finally separate and settle onto the ground with an
ear-splitting crack.]

James: Flexible, temperature-stable ceramic alloy.

Dave: And...

James: It'll come in handy for something. I thought you'd like to keep
the sword around. Just in case.

Dave: ... Bring a few of these when you go kill Coltrane.

James: Who said I was going to kill Coltrane?

Dave: I'm not going to dignify that with a response. Satan would weep if
I responded to that.

James: And who said I was going up there?

Dave: (ignores James and keys his intercom) Ed, respond please.

[A second later, the intercom replies with the familiar voice.]

Ed: Ed speaking, what I can blow up for you today?

Dave: James' head.

Ed: I'm still working on it.

Dave: How about some space suits?

Ed: Working on them. You have a date?

Dave: You have three days.

Ed: Oooh... a challenge! I'm on it, boss!

Dave: That's got his motor running. (to James) You get on that launch
vehicle. Tell John and Sherridan not to kill anybody.

James: (already turning to leave) Hai, hai...

[Once James is gone, Dave looks at the remains of his desk and laptop
and shakes his head sadly.]



[INT. COLTRANE'S SPACE STATION - DAY.]

[Maxim Coltrane floats through the access door set in the 'floor' of the
bridge. Two rows of computer terminals command one end of the small
room, while a large table mounted on a thin jointed arm and several
chairs takes up the other. Between them a small open space holds the
main entrance, and a bright orange circle in the center of the 'ceiling'
marks the emergency escape.]

[Officers sitting before the computer terminals are merrily working away
when Coltrane floats up the ladder. Miko and Jack quickly follow,
wearing their gray and silver jumpsuits with Maxim wearing one in black
with red piping.]

Coltrane: This is the command deck. From here we can control the
operation of every part of the station. Most of the computer there are
for communications with earth. (points to the table and chairs) And this
is the meeting and dining area.

Jack: Brilliant. So this is it? Storage, engineering, observation,
command, and the air locks?

Coltrane: Not much to see, I know, but it's a lot more comfortable than
anything sent up here before it.

Jack: No, I don't mean to complain; it's incredible.

Coltrane: (chuckling) You've never been in space before?

Jack: (smirks) Is it that obvious?

[Miko drifts towards the monitors and points at one showing a camera
image of what appears to be a mass of gray metal welded together
haphazardly.]

Miko: What's that?

[Coltrane exchanges a look with Jack.]

Coltrane: That is the reason we're up here, Miko.

Miko: The weapon, isn't it?

[Jack is making shooing motions to Miko behind Coltrane's back.]

Coltrane: Yes. The scourge of the wicked and the hateful. The spear of
enlightenment that will finally put an end to all needless war.

Miko: You mean a great equalizer.

Coltrane: In a matter of speaking, yes. Finally the wicked can be
trampled, allowing humanity to fulfill its true destiny.

Miko: (nodding) That's a good thing to use it for. What does it do?

Coltrane: (soberly) Terrible things, Miko. Terrible people need to be
taught terrible lessons.

Miko: Yes. We only learn the harsh ones, don't we?

Coltrane: Of course. It's part of the wickedness of humanity.

Miko: Yes, humanity is wicked.

Jack: Well, when the times comes...

Miko: I know. (to Jack) Are you hungry?

Jack: I don't have much of an appetite. Zero G doesn't like my stomach,
I think.

[Coltrane gives Jack a whap on the back, nearly dislodging the younger
man from the wall.]

Coltrane: It'll pass, and so will I. Hit up the common area; I'll be
down in a few hours.

[Jack's smile is forced, but Coltrane doesn't pay close attention to it.
Miko quickly grabs the younger engineer and floats out of the bridge.]



[INT. ED'S WORKSHOP - DAY? NIGHT?]

[In the large workshop we've seen before, Carrie sits on one of the
stools watching James and Ed argue. The men wear their usual trench
coats, which makes them look for all the world like a couple of
assassins planning to kill somebody.]

[In a round about way, that's exactly what they are, and that's exactly
what they're planning to do. But enough with the pointless details.
Carrie, out of her trench coat for a change, is wearing a crimson shirt
with a white bow tie, pin-stripe slacks, and a black suit jacket with
brown elbow patches. The last person to make a crack about her looking
like a reject from a sixteen-bit fighting game is recovering in the
infirmary.]

James: I'm telling you it'll work.

Ed: And I'm telling you I ain't building it like that. If the secondary
leaks, it's going to blow up the tank!

[James begins scribbling an set of equations on the drawings.]

James: No they won't, see?

[Ed waits for James to finish his illustration and looks at the results
in surprise.]

Ed: Really?

James: Yeah. I'm thinking we have room up here (points) for a backup
recirculator and dry-sump setup for recovery if the sucker does freeze.

Ed: It'll require more cleaning, but we can do it.

James: (setting down the pen) Well, that's the last issue I had. Build
it.

Ed: Okay. I'll get these two our crew.

[Ed gathers up the massive stack of drawings and leaves the room.]

Carrie: (to James as he approaches) Got it figured out?

James: Yeah, we won't all die horribly now.

Carrie: How long?

James: Five days until launch. Ed will demo the hard coat this afternoon
and tomorrow John and Sherridan will get the big pieces.

Carrie: (getting down) Good. It's time for your lecture. Let's get Dave.

James: (gesturing to the door) Lead the way.

[James and Carrie exit.]



[INT. NERV HALLWAY - DAY.]

[In contrast to Ed's workshop, most of NERV proper has a special
lighting system which tells the people inside when it's day and when
it's night. A true necessity when you have thousands of people working
underground for eight to twelve hours per day.]

[James walks down the corridor with a hesitation in his step that Carrie
just barely notices.]

Carrie: Nervous?

James: If it's all the same to you, I won't answer that.

Carrie: (clearly smirking inside) Fine, fine. So, where do you put the
tail?

James: (stumbles; catches himself) What do I? Well... I... (shakes his
head) Let me get my foot out of my mouth, please.

Carrie: Okay. What do you think of having a vagina?

James: (glares at Carrie) I think that's uncalled for.

Carrie: (grinning) Of course it was. What do you think of the boobs?
They're pretty large.

[She reaches for James' chest. Despite being fully male, he jerks away,
his arms coming up into a cross-block that puts him in a good position
to break Carrie's arm.]

James: What's with you women! Keep your hands to yourself!

[The instant the words are out of James' mouth, both agents freeze in
their tracks. A Japanese woman in a NERV uniform stands before them,
holding a clipboard before her like a shield.]

James: ...

Carrie: ...

Anonymous NERV Employee: ...

[James, without appearing to move, calmly gooses Carrie. Carrie,
appearing to move with the wrath of a vengeful God, decks James so hard
he bounces off of the wall and lands in her headlock. Carrie pauses to
gently maneuver James out of the woman's way and waves her through.
After a tense moment of staring at the Americans, she goes on her way.]

James: If I had known you were into S&M...

Carrie: (applies enough pressure to get James to shut up) I'll take what
I can get.

[She lets go of James just before he passes out.]

Carrie: (casually) We're almost there.

James: (stops theatrically gasping and wheezing) Lucky!

Carrie: So, what do you do with the tail?

James: ... You're evil.

[James gets up, makes a show of dusting off his immaculate coat, and
continues walking with Carrie.]

Carrie: So give. What's it like?

James: All right. First off, when I change, I can't tell it happens. I
literally don't feel different until I specifically choose to notice
things. It's like there's magic or some thing that makes it so suddenly
being female is just... normal.

Carrie: Well put.

James: (frowns) Yeah. Anyway, other than that, there's two big tip-offs.

Carrie: Your height?

James: Yeah, my perspective is totally off. And then there's the
emotion.

Carrie: Hmm?

James: It's like there's no brakes on her feelings. If something's
irritating, I'm ready to start killing people. If I'm sad, I'm a wreck.
If I'm depressed, I just want to die. Everything's so extreme, it's like
I'm losing my mind.

Carrie: (throws a friendly arm around James' shoulders) Welcome to
womanhood. (slyly) So, about that tail?

James: (angry) What? You want to know where I stick it?! I--

[He stops as Dave steps out of a door labeled 'Custodian Only.']

Dave: I don't want to know who. I don't want to know where. I don't want
to know what. I don't want to know when. Just get inside.

[James closes his mouth a minute later and gives Carrie the glare of
death. Carrie merely laughs evilly and slips through the door after
Dave.]



[INT. NERV BRIEFING ROOM - DAY.]

[Inside, Dave hands Carrie a black trench coat, which she takes and
immediately puts on. James and Dave take their seats, and a projector is
fired up.]

Carrie: Gentlemen, let's talk space--

James: The final frontier!

Carrie: ... Otherwise known as that stuff between your ears.

[James pouts.]

Carrie: I won't waste your time with the science here. Consider this a
crash course. Further reading is advised. There is no diffuse light in
space--you look near the sun and you get horrible glare. The face shield
on your suit will compensate by darkening your visor, but that limits
the light depth of your vision, so keep it in mind. There is no air in
space, so sound won't travel through it. If your radio goes out, or we
leave them turned off for some reason, we can still talk by placing the
face shields of suits together and yelling. Conversely, feel free to
scream battle cries as much as you want--with your radio off, no one can
hear you. There is no gravity in space. If you throw something, push
someone, fire a projectile, you will have to compensate for the
counter-momentum.

Dave: What about decompression?

Carrie: Okay, a pinhole won't suck you into space, but it will try. If
something develops a leak, don't bother grandstanding--get the hell out
of there, leave sealing it up to the experts. If you go out of an
airlock without a pressure suit, you die.

Dave: I don't mean to pry, but we've read a lot about everything but
actually going out of an airlock without a suit.

Carrie: You die.

James: We've done all sorts of things that should have killed us
already. If you know, please share.

Carrie: Tell me about your tail.

[Dave shakes his head sadly, but James merely sighs.]

James: It has a mind of its own if I'm concentrating on it carefully.
It... kind of has my personality, if you will. That's all there really
is to say about it now. I can let you know if I find out anything new.

Carrie: That's okay, I was only curious.

[James gives her a slack-jawed 'what the FUCK?!!' stare.]

Carrie: Okay. So, you decided you just couldn't take it anymore, and you
jumped into space. You now have ten seconds to get back inside. That's
about all the time you have left before you loose consciousness. Then
you die.

James: Uh... how?

Carrie: The liquids in your body begin to boil. You swell up. Your skin
is either frozen or cooked within thirty seconds. Within two minutes,
all of your internal organs including your brain, die from lack of
oxygen and gross trauma. That answer your question?

James: (grimacing) Yes...

Carrie: Good. Now, we'll start on suit procedure, then work on hand
signals for working under radio blackout. You've already read the
emergency procedure manuals and we're survival and fighting experts, so
this will be the shortest astronaut training anyone has ever been given.

James: Woo-hoo!

Carrie: ...

Dave: (head in hands) ...



[EXT. BRANCH-X JAPAN TESTING RANGE - DAY.]

[John, Trey, Ed, Carrie, and two of Ed's assistants are standing in a
wide open space of land with nothing at all interesting nearby. This is
a good thing because this area is Ed's unofficial testing grounds for
new weapons. The only thing here of note, besides the people, is a dummy
wearing a black trench coat.]

[A crash test dummy, not James.]

Ed: Well, here she is. The Hard Coat. Doubles as a pressure suit, but
with a little work I can add some general environmental resistance.

Carrie: Whatever. Let me see the requirements sheet.

[Ed hands her a piece of paper.]

Carrie: (suspicious) The _original_, if you please.

[Ed sighs and hands her a large shirt with writing all over it.]

John: (to Ed) Dude, is that your shirt?

Ed: (to John) We were doing inspections on the H2 staging mock-up and
didn't have any paper with us. She just said she had to write it all
down before she forgot some of it again.

Trey: Dude, why didn't you suggest she use her underwear, then you
could--

Carrie: (suddenly standing one inch from Trey) Cremation or burial?

Trey: Cremation-- (doubles over Carrie's fist) OOMPH!

Carrie: (pulling her hand back) Wise decision.

[She turns to find that the other men have magically appeared several
feet further away from her. Carrie sighs and begins inspecting the Coat,
consulting the shirt in her hands. After several minutes, she hands the
shirt back to Ed.]

Carrie: Well, most everything looks in order. We'll do a full walking
test in a minute, but first... I have two questions.

Ed: (snapping to attention) Ma'am!

Carrie: First, I don't see any weapons on the suit itself. Where are
they? Second, why are we outside? There's no pressure chamber to test
the suit's mobility under vacuum.

Ed: Let me answer the first question, ma'am.

John: (to Ed's assistants) Run. Run now.

Ed: (with the flourish of a ringmaster) Behold!

[Ed pulls out an odd hand gun. The barrel, a thick pipe lacking even the
most basic set of sights, is on the bottom of his hand with an unguarded
trigger under his index finger. Also notable is the clear lack of an
action to cycle through ammunition, or any place to store ammunition in
the weapon. This doesn't disturb the massive builder, though, as he
takes aim at one of the wooden targets down the range. He pulls the
trigger, and with a brief sputter and hiss, something flies out of the
gun and attaches itself to the wood. For a second it looks for all the
world like a paintball round. Then the assembled crowd notices the heat
waves rising from the 'paint,' and hears the crackling sound of rapidly
burning wood. Smoke and fire are seconds behind the crackling. In only
ten seconds, the thick wooden post features a deep indentation where the
projectile hit.]

Carrie: Phosphorus?

Ed: Solid fuel suspended in a gelatinous matrix that will remain stable
in space. She burns oxygen and acetylene.

Trey: Damn, that'll hurt like hell. It'll cauterize the wound, though.

Carrie: It's not for people, it's for burning through space suits. (to
Ed) We'll be bringing conventional demolitions equipment for the
station, I take it?

Ed: Yeah, standard C4 duffel with your choice of detonators.

Carrie: Good. Where's the pressure chamber?

[Ed pulls out a small remote and pushes a button. Part of the concrete
strip before them opens up and a large elevator comes out. The concrete
around the Coat's stand folds up and makes an elevator all by itself. As
the ground gets into the larger elevator, the Hard Coat begins to
descend.]



[EXT. KENNEDY SPACE CENTER - DAY.]

[A host of massive buildings marks the center of America's space
program--or what remains of it. The perimeters now sports a twelve foot
high reinforced wall which invites no trespassers permits view visitors.
John and Sherridan, dressed in their finest trench coats and absurdly
cheap suits, stand before the armored bunkers that serve as the
entrance.]

Voice: (from speaker) Step into the security building for scanning.

[John and Sherridan do as ordered, waiting patiently as they give up
retinal scans, face scans, and are run through a beefed-up metal
detector.]

Sherridan: Nice setup they got here

John: (sarcastic) It's great. What's next? Skin samples? Blood letting?
Contracts inscribed on human flesh promising our first born?

Voice: (from speaker) Please state your name and business.

John: John Bakker, picking up that big rocket on the front lawn.

Sherridan: Sherridan Jones, ditto.

[There is a long pause, then an armored panel opens up, revealing a
young Army officer sitting at a desk, behind a thick armored window. He
speaks into a microphone.]

Army Guy: (over speaker) Please show your identification.

[The two Branch-X agents pull out their NERV badges and face the
window.]

Army Guy: (over speaker) Closer, please.

[With evil little smirks, John and Sherridan step closer together so
that they're shoulder-to-shoulder. The guard blinks.]

Army Guy: (over speaker, terse) Closer.

[Pouting, the two men hold their ID's closer to the window.]

Army Guy: (after a second) Okay. What was that you said about the
rocket?

[John smiles evilly. Sherridan smiles mischievously and whips out a
thick stack of papers. John gestures to them like a game show model
showing off a prize.]

John: These are authorization documents classified under order G-17.
They allow us to do pretty much anything if a state of war or
substantial loss of life is considered eminent by your government.

Sherridan: (flatly) We're taking the rocket.

Army Guy: (over speaker) So I've heard. You guys mind telling me why I'm
picking up twelve pounds of metal on each of you and traces of blowfish
toxin?

Sherridan: (shrugs) Basic side arms. We don't go anywhere without
carrying a few small backups.

John: (also shrugs) Lunch.

[Sherridan and the Army officer stare at John.]

Sherridan: Oh, right. (to the guard) He has a taste for exotic foods.

[The Army officer mutters something to himself that's impossible for the
Branch-X agents to make out. Then the speaker comes on again.]

Army Guy: (over speaker) Hold up the G-17 order, please.



[TWO HOURS LATER.]

[John and Sherridan come out of the guard's box, scowling and covered in
tuna salad.]

John: That is the _last fucking time_ I listen to James give advice on
how to deal with the US Army.

Sherridan: Look on the bright side, we did get the rocket, and we didn't
have to kill anybody!

John: Yet. Do you have any idea how hard it will be to get this out of
my hair?!

Sherridan: It was worth it. Especially when you grabbed that sausage,
screamed 'for the king!' and jumped on that one guy. (starts laughing)
You almost stabbed him in the face!

John: (smirking despite himself) Yeah... So, where did we park?

[He stops. The pair have reached the entrance to the parking lot, which
looks a lot smaller thanks to a four-hundred-ton haul truck taking up
thirty spaces.]

Sherridan: (shields his eyes from the Florida sun) I dunno. Man, I hate
these places. You can never find your car...

[John pulls out a set of car keys and presses the alarm button. The
headlights on the haul truck flash.]

John: There it is. Let's load up this rocket.



[INT. BRANCH-X CUBICLE FARM - SOME TIME OR OTHER.]

[Kat walks up to James' cubicle and leans against one of the walls.
Inside, Godai and Yuki are holding piles of paperwork while James
finishes a short lecture. Once he's done, he shoos the detectives out
and gestures for Kat to enter.]

Kat: So, how are the preparations going?

James: Fantastically. Once I get my last will and testament in order,
I'll be about ready to leave.

Kat: Do I get your stereo?

James: That depends on whether you want the cat.

Kat: The what?

James: Cat. Furry animal. Feline. Thinks its superior to everything
else.

Kat: You have a cat?

James: Yep.

Kat: Okay. Actually, I was curious how Miko feel about this whole thing?

James: You don't know I have a cat but you're asking about my
girlfriend's feelings in the matter at hand?

Kat: (scowling) Well, no thanks to some complete moron, I just spent the
last two weeks fighting vampires, not checking up on your daily to-do
list!

James: But you had enough time to meet Miko for lunch? Oh, that would
explain why you weren't at the meeting.

Kat: (clenching her hands and breathing deeply) Count to ten, then skin
him with a spoon. Ten... nine... eight...

James: But enough of that, did you have fun fighting the forces of evil?

Kat: (excessively cheerful) Oh, it was just fantastic! It was great! It
was like... (evil smile) Hell. Yes, a special circle of Hell were your
enemies eat you if they win, (grabs James by the collar) NO ONE fucking
DIES when they're supposed to, and you can't get decent... fucking...
BACKUP!

James: (calmly) Speaking of backup, how did William work out?

Kat: (sets James down) Never met him. Had to go to Scotland.

James: What about Marcus?

Kat: Ran into some guy... Burnsasomething was his last name I think.
They wound up smuggling people out of France. I was busy taking care of
a werewolf case in the middle of nowhere.

James: You didn't ask this Bernsides guy for help?

Kat: He had other obligations.

James: Bummer. Well, no one's sent me an e-mail complaining about the
end of the world, so I'm going to cross my fingers and say we're okay.
No more Europe for a while.

Kat: (sighs) Thanks. Look, let's get back to your girlfriend's feelings.

James: She's relieved that I'm coming to get her.

Kat: You got a dinner date?

James: ... You did miss that meeting.

Kat: Yes! I did! What am I missing?!

James: Miko went up with Jack and that Coltrane guy.

Kat: Up?

James: They're in orbit with an orbital weapons platform.

Kat: ... I'm sorry James.

James: (waves off the apology) Hey, you didn't know.

Kat: How are you doing?

James: No worse than normal.

[From the look on Kat's face, it's easy to see that 'normal' for James
is a state of torture for other people.]

Kat: Ouch. Anything I can do...

James: Yeah, you can get out of the way.

[Kat smacks James in the head, only to sheepishly realize that she's
preventing him from leaving his cubicle.]

Kat: (stepping out) Sorry.

James: All's forgiven, but when we land, you bring the champagne. (as an
afterthought) And you have to watch my cat.

Kat: What's this what the cat again?

[James hands her Muffin. Kat stares dumbstruck at the feline for a
moment.]

Kat: You have a cat.

James: Either that or an alarmingly cute bomb left for me by one of my
many enemies.

Kat: (in sudden realization) Wait a minute, you're going into space!

James: You're a quick one, I'll give ya that.

Kat: That means I have to take care of your stupid cases while you're
gone, doesn't it?

James: Nope. Been giving Godai and Yuki a crash-course in myth busting.
You... well, I'm sure Dave has something lined up for you. (turns to
leave) And next time we're in the old continent, I'll introduce you to
William, I promise. He's got this typewriter... any way, I have to get
going.

[Kat watches James leave, her mind filing things away.]

Muffin: Meow.

Kat: I know, I know.

[She beings petting the amazingly cute kitten.]



[EXT. BRANCH-X JAPAN SECRET LAUNCHING AREA - EARLY MORNING.]

[We enter on Carrie, James, and Dave wearing the Hard Coats and strapped
into a claustrophobic capsule atop a Saturn V rocket prepared by hurried
hands.]

James: Let's light this baby up.

Dave: (closes eyes) I really don't wanna do this.

Carrie: (stoic face) We'll be just fine.

James: (shrugs as best he can) Worse case scenario, we'll be dead before
we realize what happened.

Dave: Great, you just made my day.

Voice: Countdown commencing. Ten. Nine.

James: Time to kick ass and take names.

Voice: Eight. Seven.

Carrie: Got that right.

Voice: Six. Five.

Carrie: Got the music?

Voice: Four. Three.

James: Oh, shit!

[James grabs at something on his Hard Coat. With the push of a button,
some classic Steppenwolf starts playing over the radios.]

Voice: Four. Three.

Dave: I hate you.

Voice: Two.

Carrie: (exasperated, warning tone) Boys.

Voice: One.

James: LET'S ROCK `N ROLL!

[The engines fire, obliterating any possibility of hearing anything...
for the moment. Then there's a sickening jerk as the final clamps are
released and the rocket begins its long journey. Sadly, it is at this
point that the three people inside can hear, and James' singing becomes
audible.]

James: (signing along to the chorus) On a magic carpet ride!

Dave: (screaming) JAAAMMMEEESSS!!!!!!

[Fade out.]



[Cue Metallica's "Better Than You" faintly in the background as the
narrator's deep, booming voice speaks over the scenes.]

Narrator: NEXT TIME, ON SIDESTEP:EVANGELION!

[]

Narrator: 

[]

Narrator: 

[]

Narrator: 

[]

Narrator: ALL IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF SIDESTEP:EVANGELION!



                           [Ending credits:]

Ranting, Sidestep, lots of other stuff:
      Jared Waddell, HQ

Consulting:
      Insanity Productions Staff
      FFML

Remarks:
      John Genoni, Wayward Gamer

Absolutely Nothing:
      Andy Mucha, Lost Soul

Miko Mido, the Shikima, and those with tentacles (usually) are from 'La
Blue Girl.'

Tokyo-3 and all things and characters present regarding Eva are from
Neon Genesis: Evangelion.

No copyright infringement is intended. This work is copyrighted but
non-profit. Perhaps in the vein of a bizarre parody, but I'm guessing
not.

All other characters, unless noted, are copyright Insanity Productions.

Original characters created by Insanity Productions may be used in freely
in other non-profit works, without the author's prior assent (you can
get it, but you don't have to).

And thank you, the reader, for reading.

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