Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma]Predator and Prey Prologue
From: wlit0613
Date: 1/20/2006, 9:17 AM
To: arun prabhu <>, ffml <>


Nice job. You can tell english is your second language by how good you are 
with its grammar. Native speakers are sloppier :)

You did a really good job telling us just enough about the victim to let us 
think we know her and care when she is slain, but not make it personal enough 
we feel cheated she's already dead. I was able to imagine both her looks and 
personality clearly without feeling like you were spending too much time on 
exposition. Also, almost never writing her name in the last portion helped in 
identifying her with the archetypal image of the rape victim.

You often use very long sentences in your writing. However, you seem to be 
writing and using them well. Kudos. They flow well and I never had a single 
moment of confusion from them.

Now for the tiny details.

Math Prof. M. Kathirvel, who had as usual leered at

Math does not need to be capitalized.

had interviewed him online and he had come off with
flying colors.

"passed with flying colors" is the common phrase.

As agreed, her date had met her on a red Maruti Esteem

"in a red"

some distance from the campus and he had even gone so
far as to hold open the door for her. After lunch, he
took her to Alagar Malai and the two of them had spent
the time chatting and exchanging stories as if they
had known each other throughout their life. Towards
evening, as the crowd began to abate, he took her on a
little detour from the beaten footpath down to the
temple atop the hill and that was all she remembered.

When she woke up, the moon was out and stars littered
the cloudless night. Her head felt like it had been
through the meat grinder. She found herself on her

"a meat grinder"

back with her legs spread-eagled on an ancient altar.
She groaned aloud and sat up and came face to face
with her date who was now dressed in archaic clothing
and covered in body paint.

For consistency and clarity, I would put a , between date and who.

�What�s going on? Where am I?� she had asked.

With a sunny smile, he had waved grandiosely at the
forest and answered, �This is my playground and you
are my prey. I�ll give you five minutes head start. If
you can stay out of my grasp till morning, you can
walk away. If not�

Missing end "

And even if she were correct, it wasn�t as if she
could do anything about it because by this time she
was so low on energy that her eyesight was starting to

Nitpick: I'd drop the because and make that two sentences. It seems to me to 
be two seperate concepts.

�Got to keep moving. Can�t fall into his hands�� she
thought as she groped her way through the thorny

There was a rustle behind her. It was a miracle that
she heard it at all, but hear it, she did. She tried

No comma between it and she.

�Tsk, tsk, tsk� I thought you�d have more endurance
than the others, you know,� he said from somewhere
close behind her. �I wanted this to last, but it seems
that even an athlete such as you don�t have the
endurance to play my game for long.

missing end quote again.

and experience your terror and pain. But hunt must
have an end too and we don�t want to postpone that
more than we have to now, do we?

Missing an "a" or "every" between But and hunt.

As he spoke, he laid her on her back on the ground,
removed the thorn from her knees, stripped her
undergarments, spread-eagled her and undressed

spread-eagled isn't an action. You mean "opened her legs" or something 

himself. Then he got between her legs. He took great
pains to ensure that his fingers were positioned

suggest pains-> care

strategically over her eyes, her forehead and her
heart before forcing himself into her. She screamed in
pain as her dry innards tore, but he laughed at her
pain and thrust into her harder. He began to glow as
the union continued and she with him until his laugh

she what with him?

and her screams were as one. The forest lit up from
the glow and everything alive within a circle of
fifteen foot radius shriveled and died. By the time he
came and the rite ended, neither was she.

she what?

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