Subject: [FFML] [C&C][Ranma][Fanfic] The Adventures of Lost Girl, Darth Mousse, and Some Asshole, Part 7
From: Jared Waddell
Date: 1/20/2006, 9:57 PM
To: George Masologites
CC: "ffml@anifics.com" <ffml@anifics.com>


Late! I'm late! Two weeks late!

--- George Masologites <gth782m@mail.gatech.edu> wrote:


Part 7: "Curses, Kisses, and Sweet, Sweet Revenge"

Ryu sat by himself in the Nerima McDonald's, in a state of
pure and utter self-loathing.

Because he was in a McDonald's? That makes sense... ;P


He had told Ranma that he _loved_ him.  It was not merely
that he had, in a moment of weakness, called off his grudge
against him, or renounced his hate for him -- no, he had

Had he done that?

stood there, gaping like a fool as Ranma received some new
curse that changed him into a bizarrely attractive woman,
and then he had honestly, truly believed, with all his
heart, that he had found love at first sight.  His
desperate longing when he followed the horde of students
into the school and found that Ranma had (of course) eluded
them had very quickly faded into disappointment, then into
a healthy state of denial, and then, as he reflected on
just who Ranma was, into his current self-hatred.

Ranma Saotome.

Must die! Yada, yada

<SNIP>
                            -*-

Ranma, male again, sat on the roof of the high school,
shivering.

Jerks.

Absolute, inconsiderate, insufferable jerks.

Turning in a girl was bad enough.  Turning into a girl was
even worse when the entire school knew about it, and turned
his condition into a punch-line.  (Three or four local
comedians had, in fact, been known to incorporate
'Jusenkyokes' into their routines, giving Ranma a whole lot

LOL, I've got to use that one. 'Jusenkyokes.'

of completely unwanted, and, to his mind, completely
unfunny, publicity.)  Turning into a girl was absolutely
intolerable when the entire school knew about it, and
_tried to hit on him anyway_.

He fumed, his hand resting reassuringly on the kettle
beside him.  What the hell kind of water had Konatsu been
walking around with, anyway?  Spring of Drowned Western
Girl?  Why would blond hair provoke such an insane reaction?
It had to be something else.

He thought, tapping his fingers against the railing.

...Smoke began to issue forth from his ears.

<SNIP>
Ryoga, male again after a quick trip to the hot water
spigot in the first floor boys' room, nodded.  "I heard him
say it!"

"So..." Akane drew it out, her hand on the canal fence as
the two of them walked back to the Tendo home.  "What
happened to Ranma?"

He scowled.  "I guess it's just what Konatsu said.  I mean,
I guess he brought back a bunch of different kinds of
Jusenkyo water."

"Why would he do that?"

"Well...he wants to be a girl, apparently, so why settle
for just being a girl when you can be a really, really,
really, ridiculously good looking blond girl?"

Akane shook her head.  "Ridiculous."  Her eyes had an
intense look as she stared out over the canal.  "Although I
have to say...it would be better than...my current curse."

"Yes," Ryoga agreed, "I think anything would be."  _Well,_
he amended silently, _not _anything_..._

He looked over at her furtively as they walked, and was
surprised to find that he was not as embarrassed as he
expected himself to be.  Sure, his stomach turned to mush
and his knees to jelly whenever she looked at him, but that
was pretty much par for the course for a typical Ryoga
Hibiki-interacts-with-a-girl situation.  He found it very
encouraging the additional Akane-only symptoms (such as

suggest: encouraging that the additional

banging his head repeatedly into telephone posts) seemed to
be dying down somewhat.  He wondered if that was due to his

Could remove 'somewhat,' as it's rather redundant.

<SNIP>

"I don't change back with hot water," she breathed,
suddenly realizing exactly what Zeratul had done to her.
_He must have combined my cursed body with my normal body.
That's what all that crap about not being a true Protoss
was about..._

Hmm...finally, a revelation!

<SNIP>

"My water!" Konatsu said, shocked.

My Mt. Dew!


"So, stooping to new lows, eh, fem-boy?" Tarou sneered,
grinning nastily.  "Robbing restaurants in broad daylight?
Guess I shouldn't be too surprised, given that it's you..."

"Shut up, _Pantyhose_," Ranma growled, staring at him
threateningly.  "Come here to try and con a new name for
yourself again?  What, your plan to take over the world
with magnetic back plasters didn't work out?"

Ukyou watched them with growing unease.  She vaguely
remembered Ranma talking about Pantyhose Tarou, something
about him kidnapping Akane and trying to beat everybody up.
She had the distinct feeling this could turn into a
bloodbath at any moment.

Akane, evidently deciding the same thing, hurriedly ran
over to Konatsu's table, retrieved the Spring of Drowned
Girl cask, and emptied its contents on herself.  She smiled
with blessed relief as she felt the cold water hit her, and
her brain was not suddenly consumed by a desire to go
shopping.

Yes, that's a relief, all right.


Tarou chuckled.  "This time, I won't fail."  He removed a
bottle of water from his pack.  "Take a look at this,
crossdresser!  This is water from the Spring of Drowned
Asshole."  He was puzzled at the strange look that entered
Ranma's eyes when he stared at the bottle.  "Once I use
this on the old man, my new name is all but assured!"

Ranma snorted back laughter.  "I'm startin' to think the
back plaster plan was one of your _good_ ideas."

"How is turning Happosai into an even bigger asshole than
he already is going to help you get a new name?" Ryoga
demanded, his stance towards Tarou just as hostile as
Ranma's.

Akane nodded, still smiling beatifically.  "Yeah," she
agreed, "that does sound like a pretty sad plan, Tarou..."

"Well, it's going to-" Tarou broke off, snorting.  "Forget
it, your feeble minds couldn't possibly comprehend my
brilliant plan."

Akane scowled.  "Now look here..."

Ryoga lifted Tarou up by his collar, growling.  "How dare
you talk to Akane that way?"

"No!" Ukyou shouted, jumping over the counter.  "You idiots
are not going to wreck my restaurant again!"

Too late.

Tarou twisted and kicked Ryoga in the face.  Ryoga shrugged
it off, grabbed his outstretched leg, and swung him bodily
into the hard wood of a nearby booth.  It shattered under
the immense force of the impact.

Konatsu, sensing his chance, darted in and snatched his
water back from Ranma's grasping fingers.  Noticing that no
one was paying any attention to him, and also that the room
was in all likelihood about to erupt in a massive brawl, he
made a sudden decision, and poured one of the bottles of
water on himself.

"So, you're pretty strong," Tarou grated, jerking his leg
out of Ryoga's iron grip and popping his knuckles.  "For a
pig."

Ranma moved to kick Tarou from behind, but he sensed it
before he hit, spun, and let Ranma stumbled forward, off-
balance.  He smiled and thrust-kicked Ranma into another
booth.  It also shattered.

"God dammit!" Ukyou growled, her eyes and fists burning
with psi energy.  "YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!!"

Tarou, now sensing something really powerful behind him,
turned around apprehensively at the green-haired, gold-
skinned girl with the glowing hands and eyes.  "Maybe we
should take this outside," he suggested lightly, before
receiving a hard hit in the face from Ranma.  He flipped
backwards, losing his grip on the bottle of Spring of
Drowned Asshole water in his hand.  It flew up into the air,
and somehow the momentum shifting associated with the
sudden movement caused the top to pop open.

It landed on Akane's head.

They all stared, horrified.

"Fucking shit," the now male Akane rumbled, flexing his
massive arms angrily.  He was a good foot-and-a-half taller
than any of them, looked like he weighed about three times
as much, had arms and legs like tree trunks, and looked
really, really silly dressed in a tiny school girl's
uniform, with his hair cut in a girly bob.  He popped his
enormous neck, grinning.  His teeth were very large.  "You
pieces of dog shit just got me all fucking wet, and I'm
gonna take it out of your hides."

The destruction of Ucchan's commenced, with much shouting,
cursing, and breaking of inanimate objects over people's
heads.  Although everyone was really too preoccupied to
care, a heart-shatteringly pretty blond girl dressed like a
ninja jumped into the fray after a moment and started to
break heads with the best of them.

BUWAHAHAHAHA!!!


                            -*-

About twenty minutes later, the six of them were strewn
about the ruins of Ucchan's.  Ryoga  and Akane, both female
again, were completely unconscious underneath a small heap
of rubble that had resulted from the destruction of part of
the wall.  Ranma, soaking wet from multiple encounters with
the ruptured kitchen sink as well as Konatsu's Jusenkyo
water collection, was trying without much success to pull
herself to her feet, wondering fatalistically what sort of
weird girl she had turned into this time.  Ukyou was
sprawled out over the counter in an unnatural position,
trying to claw her way towards Ranma, muttering something
about sweet revenge.  Tarou and Konatsu had collapsed
together in the broken pieces of one of the booths.

"Say...Ucchan..." Ranma grunted, panting.  "Do
I...huff...look any different to you?"

Ukyou growled and kept inching her way towards him.  She
had a lump on her forehead the size of an apple.  "Shut
up...and take your punishment...like a man...Ranma..."

Ranma ventured a look up at her hair, and noticed, with a
sigh, that it still looked blonde.  It was hard to tell,
though, because it was soaking wet...

Tarou coughed.  His lungs felt like they were composed
entirely of wood chips and concrete dust.
"Get...off...me..." he snarled, half-heartedly, giving the
masked figure sprawled out on top of him a light shove.

Konatsu, half-unconscious, tore off her mask and joined in
the coughing, reflexively punching Tarou in the face.

Tarou stared.

Konatsu stared back, dizzy.

Tarou kept staring.

Konatsu's eyes narrowed.  "What?" she growled, reaching for
her sword, which she belatedly realized was buried up to
its hilt in the side wall of the wrecked restaurant.

Tarou drooled a little bit and glomped her.

What an...asshole!


"EEEEEK!" she wailed, prying him off and beating him to a
pulp with a large mallet.

Ukyou continued to crawl towards Ranma relentlessly until
she finally came within grappling distance.  She grabbed
hold of Ranma's shoulders, pulling herself grimly to her
knees.

"Ucchan," Ranma wheezed, "couldn't this...huff...maybe wait
a bit...huff huff...?"

Ukyou locked her hands behind Ranma's head and started
trying to wrestle her way to a better grappling position.
"Huff...huff...die...Saotome..."  Ranma squirmed
fruitlessly, lacking the energy to either wrestle or escape.

Ryoga slowly came to and began to extract herself and Akane
from the rubble.  "Akane," she mumbled, scrambling and
confused.  "Akane, are you okay?  Akane..."

Ukyou twisted and rolled Ranma over onto her back, pinning
the other girl's arms to the ground with her hands.  Ranma
jerked her waist up, then shot her body quickly to the side,
putting Ukyou off balance, then tumbled them both to the
side, so that they were grappling on more-or-less even
ground.

"You...ruined...my...life..." Ukyou was ranting, twisting
around unsuccessfully, trying to gain position.

"Shaddap...Ucchan..." Ranma huffed, having equally little
luck.

Ukyou suddenly gained a little leverage, and used it to
elbow the other girl in the face.  "Take that!" she snarled,
leaning forward to do it again.  Ranma used her momentum
against her, wrapping her arm around Ukyou's other side and
flipping her neatly over onto her back.  Ukyou rolled with
the maneuver, and the two scrambled for position.  Suddenly,
Ranma was on top, her legs locked around Ukyou, and she
wrapped one of her arms around Ukyou's head and started to
apply a submission hold.  Ukyou gasped for air and twisted
violently to one side, and somehow, Ranma lost her balance,
and the two did a complete barrel roll in midair, slamming
noisily into the ruins of the sink, bathing them both in a
shower of steaming hot water, a tangled mess of bruised
limbs with their faces mashed together.

And then, quite unintentionally, they were kissing.

Ryoga stumbled out of the rubble, the still-unconscious
Akane hoisted unceremoniously over her shoulder, and stared.

"Um...hey..." she ventured, watching them with disbelief.

They completely ignored her, rolling around on the kitchen
floor, kissing each other frantically as they tore each
other's clothes off.

"Is this happening?" she muttered, rubbing her eyes.
"Maybe I'm dreaming...  HEY!" she shouted.  "AKANE'S HURT,
I'M TAKING HER TO THE CLINIC, MAYBE YOU JERKS MIGHT CARE."

Ranma and Ukyou looked up, suddenly seemed to come to their
senses, and exchanged horrified glances with each other,
then Ryoga, then the still-thankfully-unconscious Akane.

"Oh shit!  Oh shit!" Ranma jumped off her in a panic,
pulling his shirt back on hastily as he ran towards Ryoga.
"No!  It's not what it looks like!  Let me explain!  Don't
kill me, Ak..."  He paused, as what Ryoga said filtered
through his mind.  He examined Ryoga's clothing carefully.
"Uh...wait.  Ryoga?"  Ryoga stared back at him, puzzled.
Ranma continued, very nervously, "Ryoga...uh, why do you-"

Ukyou's hands began to shimmer, her immense psi energy
healing her before their horrified eyes.  "RANMA
SAOTOME!!!" she roared, her eyes blazing.  "ENEMY OF
WOMEN!!!"

Run, you fools!


Ranma and Ryoga began to tear off towards the clinic, with
the infuriated Ukyou hot on their heels.

                            -*-

Ryu looked down the street and saw a short-haired,
athletic-looking girl, carrying another girl over her
shoulder, being chased by an attractive green-haired girl
who looked sort of like a psycho, and running beside the
first girl was...

"Ranma Saotome," he rumbled, grinning.  Time to take out
his frustrations on the person who deserved it most!
Revenge was going to be sweet, sweet, sweet...  He jumped
towards the rapidly approaching trio.  "PREPARE YOURSELF,
SAOTOME!"

Ranma and the short-haired girl twisted neatly in mid-air,
completely avoiding him.  He turned his head around as he
sailed in the wrong direction, shocked.  Ranma...fleeing
from a battle?  What was-?

His thoughts were interrupted when he careened into the
attractive psychotic girl, sending them both sprawling to
the ground.

"Who are..." he trailed off, staring at the girl in horror.
_It's her!  Goddammit, why do I keep running into this
crazy-_

His thoughts were again interrupted, this time by the
girl's brightly glowing fist connecting with his face.

"You let him get away," she snarled, her very strange
silver-gold eyes burning.  Then she stared at him for a
moment, recognition dawning on her.  "Hey...it's you...you
wrecked my restaurant about a week ago..."

Ryu swallowed, remembering how well their impromptu duel
hadn't gone the last time they'd met.  "Uh...yeah, look,
I'm just-"

"...and then you attacked me, during our battle with the
Zerg," she continued, her eyes glowing hotter and hotter.
"Said something about how I ought to expect no mercy, and
you wouldn't go easy on me just because I'm a girl..."

Ryu slid into a fighting stance, his anger overwhelming his
sense of self-preservation.  "You want some, girl?" he
growled, tensing.  "I think it's about time we had a
rematch..."  He stared at her, letting his anger build.  _I
can take her.  I can take her.  She's human right now, I
can take her..._

She smiled.  "Think so?"

Then she attacked, showing him just how sweet revenge
really was.

Mmm-mmm. Revenge.


                            -*-

"So...uh, how's there two of you?" Ranma asked lightly, as
they ran.

Ryoga looked over at him, baffled.  "Two of what?"

Ranma grinned insolently at her.  "Man, you're uncute, Lost
Girl."

She had no idea what was going on.  "Shut up and keep
running, Ranma."

                            -*-

"Hello, Akane, Ranma!" Dr. Tofu said, giving them a
welcoming smile.  He peered quizzically at the girl slung
over Ryoga's shoulder.  Her head was pointed away from him,
so he couldn't see her face.  "Is your friend hurt, Akane?"

Ryoga wondered if this was her day to be confused, and
nodded.  "Um...yeah, she got hit in the head or something
during a brawl we were having..."

Yeah, that sounded real good.

Tofu grinned.  "I guess brawling's sort of a way of life
for you, huh, Akane?" he said lightly, rummaging through
some paperwork on the front desk.

Ryoga continued to look confused.

Ranma smirked and poked Ryoga in the ribs.  "I think he's
talkin' to you, there, tomboy."

Ryoga put her fist in Ranma's face.

"I see you've cut your hair even shorter," Tofu was saying,
conversationally.  "It looks good!  Anyway, I can take a
look at your friend right now, if you like, just set her
down in room number three over there..."

                            -*-

Ranma stood in the bathroom of Dr. Tofu's clinic, staring
at himself apprehensively in the mirror, trying very hard
not to think about what had happened with Ukyou.

"Well," he mumbled, turning on the faucet.  "Here goes
nothin'..."  He dunked his head underneath the stream of
water, and felt the familiar awkward twinge course through
his, now her, body.

She looked at herself in the mirror.

Yep, still really, really, really, ridiculously good
looking.  She sighed despondently.

Should have used the 'damn I'm good looking' line here too.


                            -*-

Ryoga walked into the women's bathroom of the clinic, took
one look in the mirror, and fell away in a dead faint.

Hee-hee! This has to be one of the better (i.e. more funny situations)
curses Ryouga has been stuck with. Now to make it last a while.

Later,
Rick "Epic lateness, whatever that means." Spiff

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