Subject: [FFML] Re: [AMG] Oh my...keichi??? (Prologue) A slip of the tongue? (Second draft)
From: "Shadow Dancer" <liath.shadow@gmail.com>
Date: 1/4/2006, 5:31 PM
To: Ben Jernigan
CC: ffml@anifics.com


On 1 Jan 2006 at 20:06, Ben Jernigan wrote:


Here goes Exar's C&C on the fly!

Seriously, hope the feedback helps. :)

On 12/18/05, Shadow Dancer <liath@softhome.net> wrote:

Here's the second draft of this monster. Errors corrected where I found them,
and a couple extra pre-scenes to clarify situations.

Disclaimer:  None of these characters belong to me; I wish they did (but we
all know wishes like that can't come true, ne?)


Oh my...keichi???
An Ah! Megami-Sama fanfiction story
Prologue (second draft)
A slip of the tongue?



"So, who's the runt, Verna?" An older man calls to two females, one about
twenty years old, the other one looking to be about ten.


"two females" seems a bit clinical. women, ladies, skirts. there is a
wide range of synonyms open to you.

this is just the second draft of the story, not the final version :) thanks for 
the ideas though

"Just a trainee," smirks the older of the two females. Her outfit doesn't fit
with the current definition of nice, far from it, actually. The sleek black
leather catsuit covers her from toe-tip to her neck, and the coiled whip at
her waist only adds to the dangerous look. Five sharp hash lines mark her
face, doing nothing to detract from her deadly beauty, and serve to highlight
her deep red hair and grey eyes.

dominatrixes, madames, working girls... synonyms everywhere!

I'm not assuming the people reading the story know all of english culture or 
words :) And I never did describe the second one.

"Just a trainee, huh? Does she have a name yet?" The man's tone matches
Verna's outfit. Sleek, smooth, dangerous. His obsidian eyes and black hair
mesh with his grey outfit to make him almost disappear in the darkening
twilight. Four hash-lines mark his forehead, thinner and more widely placed
than Verna's, but even then, they serve only to enhance his own dark beauty.

"Mara," Verna smirks, and the younger girl snarls, "For a rather interesting
comment in records. She's already starting off with a marred record,
apparently."

"Oh, I see. THAT one. Well, having a half-goddess for a sister is bound to mar
anyone's record. Do you think she'll survive the training?" A sinister leer
crosses the man's face as he looks at the younger girl.

"Claws off. I was told to give her the grand tour of humanity's dark side, to
give her a proper view on things. If she survives, she survives. If
not...well, there's more where she came from."

"True, true. Is she going to get a day free, or will she not even receive
that?"

not 100% certain about this, but i think you can cut the "not" there.
what you have is correct english, but in one of those wonderful quirks
of our language, removing it doesn't change the meaning. also gives
the speaker a bit more cynical air.

This is true, but I tend to write a touch formally during my drafts. it's 
always easier to drop initial formality than to add it after the fact. Well, 
for me it is.

"She's due for a half day, no more. She can sow mischief for a while, but
she's not being given much leeway."

"You know, Verna..."

"What is it?"

"You really should keep an eye on your charge, even with someone like me
hanging around. Why, I might not even tell you that she's run off while you
were distracted." The man's smirk has an oily sheen to it, as though he's
enjoying Verna's misfortune.

A snarl rips from Verna's throat, "Well then, her time starts now, and
finishes when I catch her!" A puff of sulfurous smoke wafts up around her, and
she then disappears.

"Always a pleasure taunting you, Verna." The man whispers, as he, too,
vanishes.


this one is purely opinion, but "Verna" fails to strike a demonic cord
in me. rather, I think of a waitress at a waffle house. but that's
just me.

has to do with pronunciation.
ver (as in version) Na is a passive/passifist name in my opinion
but V - Air (rolled R) na is a different situation altogether. Try the two 
pronunciations yourself, and you'll see :)

***^_^***

"Well well well, what have we here?" whispers the adolescent demoness from her
hiding spot in a tree.

Ahead of her there are two other children, maybe eight years old. One of them,
the male, looks smaller than normal, and he can See the other one. The second
child is a female, and it is she, which captures the demoness' attention. On
the girl's face there are three diamond shaped marks, one on her forehead, one
on either cheek.


he can See her? unless this is some mystical Sight, you might wanna
drop the capital.

I'm a magic user hun. I use see and See in proper context :)

Not only can the boy see the girl, but also he's talking with her, chatting.
The conversation meanders back and forth about nature and trees. Then, to the
demoness' astonishment, a fully-grown Goddess appears behind the girl, and
gently directs her away. Shortly thereafter, both females disappear, and the
boy sits beneath the sakura tree.


sakura= cherry blossoms  the tree is still a cherry.

'beneath the sakura tree' is a phrase I've seen many times. Sakura is both the 
blossoms, as well as the tree itself. says so in my dictionary right here :)

"Well, if he's enough to warrant her attention, then he should warrant some of
mine as well." A cute, if evil, smile lights upon Mara's face as she settles
into the mindset needed to cast spells. The boy beneath her shifts uneasily,
as though he can tell something is happening, but he doesn't understand what.
"Spirits of earth and fire and pain, come to me now and feed...In the name of
all unholy, I set you upon this one to bleed...A curse of pain, a curse of
fright, I bestow upon him the curse of,"

"Mara!" Verna's snarl can be heard from another branch, and Mara looks up in
fright as her mentor appears, whip in hand, "You have not received permission
to leave! It's time to face your punishment, little girl..." Venom and the
promise of pain ooze from the older Demoness' tone.


something off about the last sentance there. ooze into may be better.
not certain.

nope, ooze from. if I referred to the comment itself, then 'ooze into' would be 
correct, but I'm referring to her _tone_, which means that the promise comes 
from the tone, not into it. ^^ Yes I know, it sounds screwy.

"Oops," whispers Mara, vanishing almost instantly after. Verna also vanishes,
apparently in chase of her wayward charge.

Unheeded by the passing of the demons, a curse takes form from one errant
word...and falls upon the boy beneath the sakura.

***O.o***

Keichi Morisato has had a hard life. Ever since he was a child his peers
teased him for his size, and he could never get a girlfriend. Recently,
however, he has been accepted into the Nekomi Technical Institute. And also he
has been accepted into the Motor club, because of his size. Things recently
have been looking up for him...until tonight.


motor club: recruiting people small enough to fit in trunks!
seriously, I can see the sumo club ignoring the shrimps, but i doubt
the chess club would give a rats @ss. still, in canon, his height is
the first reason given for lack of girlfriend.

Canon also has him with a phenominal amount of luck. The chess club would 
accept canon keiichi without a problem. they'd despise this one, pre-wish at 
least.

Tonight the entire motor club is out for a party, and everyone was invited.
Everyone except for Keichi. Oh, they gave him a good reason, supposedly, for
leaving him behind. Someone needed to watch the phone, and look after the
dorm.

Keichi knows that it is for a different reason though. Most girls don't like
boys shorter than themselves. Most girls like boys who had a broader range of
skills than Keichi boasts.

have not had. tenses are tough to keep straight sometimes. that or
swap knows to knew.

Good catch, thanks, I've fixed it for the third draft ^^

Most girls like boys who don't have abysmal luck.

"I'm so hungry," groans Keichi, as he sits beside the phone. He then picks up
the phone book and leafs through to the ramen section. He then picks out a
number, dials it, and tries to place an order...before realizing that he is
talking to an answering machine. Four times he repeats this, then he grumbles,
"Darnit, isn't there any ramen place open at this time?"


This seems a bit off. maybe just too compressed, your narration style
has changed abruptly. just because you are repeating events from
canon, don't think people won't read it. this sequence can be fun.
increasing desperation, stomach grumbles, irritating answering
machines. a little tension breaking comedy can be placed here. course,
you may not want to write funny.

I was in a rush to get this out at all :) I had four people IRL asking for it, 
as well as my regular prereaders. And 'write funny' fits what I'm writing, 
would you say? The entire episode basically begs for hijinks

Keichi grumbles and starts hitting seemingly random numbers on the phone in
rapidfire. He's startled when, after a very long series of numbers, the phone
starts to ring in his hand. He places it to his ear, and hears a female voice
on the other end, "Thank you for calling *ftzzzt*crackle*ftzzzt*. Our
representative will be with you shortly."


this is different...

yup, the curse in action.

"Wait!" Keichi cries, "I haven't given you my order yet!" But to no avail, a
dial tone is his only response. Keichi sighs and hangs up the phone again,
then is startled as light permeates the dorm room. He looks around in surprise
until he sees the most beautiful woman he's ever laid eyes on stepping out
of...his mirror?

"What?" gasps Keichi, "How are you doing that?" His eyes track the girl's blue
eyes and long, soft, brown hair as she turns to him.

The girl's smile seems to light up the room as she replies, "Hello! I am the
Goddess Belldandy, and I'm here to grant you a wish." She slowly (!) falls
from the mirror to the floor, landing lightly on her feet.

"A wish huh? Did my dorm-mates set you up to this?" He asks as he searches the
mirror to see how she came through it.

"No, Keichi, I'm here from the Goddess Relief Office. You have been selected
to receive a wish." Belldandy beams at Keichi, her clothes settlling around
her, "Here's my card." She says as she hands a card with elaborate script to
Keichi.

Belldandy continues, "However I must warn you that you only get one wish. You
could wish to be a millionaire, and we could do that. You could also wish to
destroy the world, and we could do that too. Of course, we prefer to not do
business with that sort of customer." She ends with a smile.

*No, this can't be real. This girl was probably sent here by Tamiya to make
fun of me. Me getting a wish is too good to be true.* Keichi thinks to himself
as he looks at the Goddess.


i would trim this to "Keichi thought."

present tense, not past. :P I've already had one person scream about that, but 
he's just narrow minded in thought patterns. Sure it's jarring at first, but 
ALL of my writing is jarring, ever since my very first posted story eight or so 
years ago.

"No, Keichi, I wasn't sent here by your friends. And yes this is real."

"What? I didn't say anything!" Keichi exclaims, startled again.

"I told you, Keichi, I am a Goddess. And why would your friend make fun of
you?" Belldandy.

Keichi sighs, "Because a girl as beautiful as you wouldn't give me the time of
day. I'm too short, and I have no luck what so ever."


Urd: well, yeah. if a girl won't look at you, no way you're getting lucky!

<snickers> nice one. but not _quite_ the way it was meant. I'm referring to 
luck as in good luck bad luck abysmal luck kinda thing. good luck = 7's in 
craps constantly. bad luck = losing most of the time, abysmal (keiichi's 
current) = losing ALL the time when luck is involved.

"Oh, is that a problem?" she asks curiously.

Keichi groans, "Of course it's a problem. I'm shorter than all the girls I
know including...I know!" He grins, "I wish for...no, wait, that can be taken
the wrong way.  Oh, yes, that's it! I wish to be with you forever!"


wow, that's a dangerously worded wish. there's no mention of what
relationship this "being with" involves...

Bell: Yay! screw this flying crap! Now I can just be carried everywhere!
- Show quoted text -

A smirk covers Keichi's face for a second, then he gasps in surprise as
Belldandy floats serenely off of the floor, and gazes upwards. The diamond
shape in the center of her forehead seems to expand, and then a great flash of
light shoots from her forehead, straight through the ceiling, into the sky
above.  She hangs there in the light for several seconds, and then lands
again, little chunks of plaster and wood falling beside her from the ceiling.

Belldandy beams, "Your wish has been...approved?" her face fades from her
beaming smile to something more akin to shock.

Keichi is so startled from Belldandy's stare that he stutters, "Wh, what? Is
something wrong?" Keichi's eyes open wide in surprise as he hears his own
voice. His hand flies up to grasp at his throat as he realizes his voice
sounds significantly different from what he is used to. "What happened to me?"
he whispers in shock.

Belldandy shakes her head, staring at Keichi, "No, no, no, nonononononono,"
she mumbles, her hand slipping up to cover her mouth, "You were supposed to
wish for me to be your girlfriend! Not...not this! Skuld even told me so!" The
Goddess searches around frantically, and then spies the phone beside Keichi,
nearly lunging for it in her haste.

Keichi apparently hasn't noticed Belldandy's comment yet, as his hands slide
all over his body, cupping his (oh my) breasts in shock..and then both hands
dive down to grasp at something between his legs...that just isn't there
anymore.

**O.O**

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" A feminine shriek can be
heard all the way across the city of Tokyo.

***@_@***

"Skuld, can you do me a favour?" Belldandy utters into the phone in a rush as
she stares at the neo-girl beside her. "You remember that wish I was sent to
grant? Yeah, that one. Well, can you check the record again? You told me he
was supposed to wish for...yeah, that's it. Well, he said it differently from
what you told me. No, not like THAT. No...the words were just changed a
little. Yeah. Can you check his file again, please? Yes this is an emergency.
Yes, it has something to do with the other girl here. No, he isn't being
perverted. SKULD!" Belldandy glares at the phone for a second, then looks up
at Keichi, who just stopped screaming.


hehehehe. I can just imagine what skuld might be thinking....

You, me, and everyone else. All hail the cute goddess of the future!

<skuld> Hentai! *WHAM*

itte

"You...you...What did you do to me?" Keichi whispers, her hand clutching at
her throat, as tears fall from her eyes.

"I'm trying to figure that out," Belldandy replies with a strained smile,
"Please just calm down for a minute?" A voice from the phone grabs at her
attention again, "What did you find? What? A curse? But Goddess wishes are
supposed to be immune from curses?" Her eyes go wide in shock, "What do you
mean, not this one? What kind of curse is it?" Belldandy's voice starts edging
upwards, "A curse of _oops_?? What in heaven's name is that? A bug? ...oh...so
the wish happened...oh. Oh dear. So what you're telling me, is that the wish
translated his desire of being with me forever, into being able to be with me
wherever I am? What aren't you telling me, sister? What?  What do you mean
'fifth class'? The only ones who get that ranking are...oh. Well that's just
peachy."

"What does fifth class mean?" Keichi asks, concerned, "Am I going to die?"

Belldandy looks up from the phone and shakes her head, "No, you aren't going
to die. Not for a very, very long time." She grimaces, "At least that's what
it sounds like from what my sister is telling me."

"Can you turn me back into a guy?" Keichi's voice climbs up the register in
her panic.

Belldandy smiles sadly, "Very probably. I just don't know when we can, yet.
Skuld, can you tell me...? Oh, it is? Well thank Him for small favours. Well,
actually big favours in this case. Do we have a time? No? Well, we'll just try
when we can then. Thanks!" She hangs up the phone and sighs, "Well, Keichi, I
guess you will need some training soon."

"Training? Training for what?" Keichi's panic has lessened at the idea of
being able to change back, but this new twist is starting to worry her again.

"Why, training to use your new powers!" Belldandy exclaims brightly.

"What kind of new powers?" Keichi asks suspiciously

"Why, your new powers as a demi-goddess, of course!"

"..." Keichi falls over in a dead faint.


he's already getting the hang of being a goddess. i swear bell spends
as much time passed out as she does standing up

At least, if not more.

*~*~*^_^*~*~*
- Show quoted text -

Wella, something old, something new, something borrowed...

Oh, wait, wrong story.

Yes, I know, significantly more than last run. And, as I wrote at the top of
this, this is the second draft, which means it isn't good enough in my opinion
to qualify as finished product yet. <sticks tongue out at persons who were
complaining about her grammar before>

Again, and as always, Comments are welcome, and constructive criticisms are,
as well ^^

I await the flames!


Liath Corrine Hidson
Shadow Dancer
<What happens when an angel falls in love?>

Wings of Hope:
God gave you wings,
And a voice to sing,
Although you don't know why;
Powers so fair,
Suddenly not there,
Find your own reason to fly...
(c) October 22, 1998, Liath Hidson

cool story, looks fun, hope the C&C helps!

This is supposed to be a fun story, down side is I don't write fun very often, 
so it'll be a long while between updates for this one.

-exar out!

Liath Corrine Hidson
Shadow Dancer
(AKA Liath MoonShadow)
<There comes a time when the world needs a hero>

Wings of Hope:
God gave you wings,
And a voice to sing,
Although you don't know why;
Powers so fair,
Suddenly not there,
Find your own reason to fly...
(c) October 22, 1998, Liath Hidson


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