Kuno scowled at the two new arrivals. Accursed minions of
the demon Saotome, no doubt. "And who are you, to treat
with Akane in such a familiar manner?" he demanded, holding
his bokken before him threateningly.
Uh...dude? I know you're trying to write Kuno in (cliche) character here?
But stop and think for a minute.
A person who is, by all appearances, an ORDINARY GIRL just appeared, and
seems familiar with Akane.
Stop and ask yourself:
Is Kuno *really* likely to take *A SEEMINGLY ORDINARY GIRL* to task for
talking to Akane?
Well, he has already pegged them as Ranma's demonic minions (due to
Ukyou's presence), which I think explains (as much as Kuno's actions
are ever explainable...) his strong reaction...
Ryoga reached into her pack, and pulled out the last vial
of Spring of Drowned Zealot water. She faced Ranma, who
was glaring at her angrily.
She smiled at him. "C'mere, asshole."
Uh...Ranma being a nine-foot-tall alien monster is better than him being a
raging asshole *HOW* exactly?
Heh, well, Ranma the Asshole does things like take Akane
hostage. Ranma the nine-foot-tall alien monster probably wouldn't =)
"Okay, okay, jeez," Ranma grumbled. "Well...how about
Spring of Drowned Life-Size Darth Vader Poster?" he asked
hopefully. "Mousse seems to like that pretty well..."
Oh HELL no.
Yeah, pretty much =D
"POISON SNAKE DEEP HOLE BLOW!"
This, incidentally, is why we do *NOT* translate technique names in
I was actually debating whether or not to translate the Yama- and
Umisenken technique names, but I think they're kind of obscure
already; having a long string a nonsensical Japanese syllables (to
people who don't know Japanese, anyway ;p), would, imo, make it
worse. I used 'shishi houkoudan' and 'mouko takabisha,' because
those were in the anime, and in at least one of the video games, so I
think people generally know what they are.
Although, I've seen fanfics where Ryoga shouts 'EXPLODING POINT
TECHNIQUE' instead of 'bakusai tenketsu,' and for my money, it works
just as well =)
But truthfully, I think the joke is already old, the random Starcraft
crossover tacked onto the end of this part is NOT really doing anything for
the fic itself except making it more messed up than it needs to be, and to
be perfectly honest, reading this...makes me feel like your whole entire
purpose for writing this in the first place was to see how much profanity
you could justifiably cram into a Ranma fanfic.
Found out! Blast.
The first part was hilarious. The second part, less so, but still quite
funny. However, I'm thinking you should have quit while you were ahead.
Sadly, when my muse puts her spurs into me, I must write, for better
or for worse ;p
I'm curious what you think of parts 3 and 4. The story remains
silly, of course, but it becomes less of an all-out farce.
Thanks for the C&C! =)
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