Subject: [FFML] 'My Kid's An Alien!' [MSTing] Pt. 2 of 3 [UY]
From: "Megane 6.7" <megane67@rogers.com>
Date: 11/3/2005, 5:21 PM
To:



-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: Alien267.txt

                             *TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
              (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)


(The future isn't what it used to be....)


"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7"  (SEASON FIVE)

EPISODE 42: MY KID'S AN ALIEN! PT. 2

(A Urusei Yatsura MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc.  Just covering
my own ass here folks....

"My Kid's An Alien!" is the property of Andrew D. Johnson and he's 
welcome to it.  I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work 
like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does.  
Think of this as another form of C&C.  It's all meant in good fun.  ;)


(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob.  Before you can do anything, it's
yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.)

(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator.  Both sets of doors open for you
as you pass through.)

(Door 4: It's made of dominoes.  You tip the lead one over and watch as
the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you step over it.)

(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys.  You cuddle them for awhile
before proceeding.)

(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a
drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground.  You cross it cautiously,
looking for moat monsters.)

(Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex.  Suddenly a large hand reaches out
of its center and pulls you inside.)


     Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.  Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.


MY KID'S AN ALIEN!-Chapter 3 Another "Urusei Yatsura" fanfiction 
story Rumiko Takahashi is the creator of UY, and holds all rights to 
the series and characters. But even after I wrote this nice disclaimer, 
she still turned down this story for a possible manga idea! Can you 
believe that?


Joel: OK, the author's insane.  I can buy that.

Crow: I hear J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. like those submissions...


Barren, sandy wastes stretching as far as the eye could see, only broken 
now and then by a few isolated, craggy mountain peaks. The only 
plants were gray sagebrush and strange-looking Joshua trees. As soon 
as they passed through the bustle of Las Vegas, the land turned starkly 
empty. 


Tom: Undaunted, the fellowship ventured forth... past the bunny ranches 
of Mustang, through the glowing valley of Yucca Flats to the spewing 
volcano of the Mirage.


They only passed a few houses and cars on the road. After spending all 
his life in crowded Japan, Ataru Moroboshi was left dumbfounded by 
the emptiness of Nevada.


Crow: <Ataru> So much space... THIS is where I'll put my future harem!


This would certainly be the right place to put a top- secret military base 
to examine UFOs and alien beings like Lum and her friends and family.


Tom: Yes, but it would ALSO be the right place for a festive centerpiece.
Paranoid much?


The gang was crammed into a Dodge minivan, driven now by Sakura as 
Mendo navigated. They had stopped in the flyspeck California town of 
Baker at a place called Militia Mike's Paramilitary Outfitters, which 
promised, "Everything you need to start your own revolution!"


Joel: Is this still Urusei Yatsura or Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas?


There they had bought Army-style camouflage uniforms, grappling 
hooks, flashlights, soldier boots, tear gas, and guns and ammo galore. 
They weren't going to dissect Ataru's girl, not then, never.


Crow: I should hope not... considering they're supposed to be RESCUING 
her!


"Okay," Mendo instructed. "Make a turn at the next main road. They 
call it the 'Extraterrestrial Highway'. 


Joel: Right next to Trumpy Towers?


About 20 more miles and you'll pass through a little town called Rachel. 
Another 5 miles past that and we'll come to a black mailbox. Then 
you'll wanna turn left there onto a dirt road, which we'll lead up to the 
entrance of the restricted area.


Tom: <Mendo> Or the Valley Lodge, I'm not really sure.


"Thanks. You make a good navigator," Sakura complimented. "We're 
making good time here, people!  Let's not let anything hold us back!"


Joel: <Sakura,  singing> The rain and thunder!  The wind and 
haze!  I'm bound for better days...! 

Crow: <Ataru, singing> It's my life... and my dream...! 

Joel: <Sakura, singing> Nothing's going to stop me now!  Hit it, 
Uncle! 

Tom: <Cherry, playing harmonica> Wah wah wah, wah wah, 
wah wah, wah wah, wahhhhhh....


"I have to go to the bathroom," Cherry spoke up.

"Whaaat? Oh no!" she groaned. "Didn't I tell everyone to go before we 
left the diner after lunch?"

"Yes, but I was too busy eating," he answered. "Please?" he pleaded.

"You know what? You've been nothing but a third wheel on this trip so 
far!" Sakura snapped. "You can just wet your robe for all I care!"

Cherry said nothing in response. He just got up and shoved a CD into 
the player. A familiar song came out: 


Tom: <Creedence Clearwater Revival> There's... a bathroom... on the 
right....

Crow: <Sakura> That's not how the song goes!


"Don't go chasin' waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and the lakes like 
you're used to." When that was done; "Free fall flow, river, flow, on 
and on it goes, breathe underwater till the end." Then, "Here comes 
the rain again, falling on my head like a memory.", then, "I'm siiiiiingin' 
in the rain." By now everyone in the van was sweating and looking fit 
to burst.


Crow: For pity's sake, I really hope the eject button was broken on that 
player.

Joel: Bladder relief takes a back seat to comic relief.

Tom: And said comic relief also belongs in the toilet.


"All right!" Sakura shouted. "I'll stop at this next place!" She pulled 
into a small eatery called the Little Ale'Inn. They were now in the 
almost-forgotten hamlet of Rachel, Nevada, on the fringes of the 
notorious Area 51. 


Crow: Little Ale'Inn!  On the list of America's Fifty Sleaziest Tourist 
Traps!

Joel: <Ataru> After this, can we visit the biggest ball of twine in 
Minnesota?


All high-tailed it for the restrooms, except for Ataru. He had been 
listening to music on his headphones (reading in the car had made him 
nauseous all his life) and had actually fallen asleep in the backseat. Since 
everyone thought it would just be a few minutes, and he just looked so 
peaceful back there (in the words of his mother), no one bothered to 
wake him up.


Crow: And of course, those ingrates forgot to crack the windows... the 
pale angry shade of Ataru currently haunts bordellos all through Nevada.


There was only one door in the place marked "RESTROOMS". Sakura 
tried to open it, but to everyone's horror, it seemed to be locked!


Tom: Hello, folks?  You're in Nevada.  "America's Pit Toilet".


The soda jerk, a chubby, wrinkled old man in a starched white uniform, 
standing behind the old-fashioned counter, smiled at her wickedly. 
"Sorry to tell ya, ma'am, but that there bathroom's for payin' customers 
only."


Joel: <soda jerk> And no pee pee dancing, not allowed.


Sakura could speak English fluently, and she replied with terror, 
"You're kidding."

"I never kid anyone, ma'am. Look around, there's plenty o' stuff to buy." 


Crow: <soda jerk> The quality's a bit shoddy, but it's either this or 
dragging the scene out longer.


He gestured to a multitude of stuffed alien dolls (which looked like the 
famous bug-eyed "grays", not like Onis), shirts with silly messages like 
"I Want to Believe", "I Got Probed by the Reptoids and all I got was 
this Lousy T-shirt", "Beam Me Up, Scotty", "E.T. Phone Earth-We 
Miss You!", and "Next time Let the Wookie Win". The latter showed 
C-3PO from "Star Wars" with his arms torn off. 


Tom: What?  No Battlestar Galactica!?  How could you forget to mention 
Battlestar Galactica?!?

Joel: <Sakura> I was more in the market for a Tom Servo plushie.


There were also coffee mugs, posters, bumper stickers, anything to 
satisfy your average UFO enthusiast. "Say! Where're you folks from, 
anyhoo?"


Tom: <Sakura> Death-To-Hicksville.

Crow: <Soda Jerk> See that sign up there?  "Smiles - Free"?  Well, 
I'm gonna have to charge you now.


"We're from Japan, and by the way, we don't wanna buy any of your 
crap so we can use your bathroom!"

"Now looky here, honey. You don't have to get rude. But we can't have 
just anyone who has to pee runnin' in an' out of our facilities without 
buying something. Otherwise we'd never make a profit!"


Joel: Guys... you've got the richest man in Japan with you, just buy 
some jerky and GET ON WITH IT!


Sakura seized him by the collar and pulled him halfway up onto the 
counter. "I don't think it would be wise to carry on like that. Now, 
either you give us the keys to the restroom, or I'm gonna do something 
to you. And I don't know what that something is, because everyone 
always does what I say."


Tom: <soda jerk> Funny thing about Nevada... it tends to make a 
gambling man out of ya.


The soda jerk gulped and handed her the key. Sakura eagerly threw open 
the door, but they all screamed at what was inside. There was only one 
toilet, and it was filthy.


Crow: <Soda Jerk> Whoops, looks like it's time to paint the seat white 
again!


Meanwhile , while Sakura and company had been arguing inside the 
Little A'LeInn, both Ataru and Ten yawned as they finally woke up 
again. 


Joel: <Ten> A-Are we married?

Crow: <Ataru> I don't know!


The sky was opaque blue with high clouds, and a chilly winter wind cut 
across the desert, convincing Ataru to tuck in his jacket further. 


Tom: Geez, Ataru, you can only cram so much of that thing into your 
BVDs.


"Jeez, what a bleak place this is," Ataru said, gazing at the empty spaces 
with awe. "Kinda reminds me of Mars," Ten answered. 


Crow: <Ten> It needs women.


"So Lum-chan, all her friends, and my aunt and uncle are being 
imprisoned somewhere out there. I hope they don't do anything nasty 
to them!" 


Joel: Like... imprison them?

Tom: <Ataru> Don't worry, Barry Manilow's still in Las Vegas.


"Welp," Ataru reassured him, "we're gonna see to it that that doesn't 
happen, starting tomorrow morning.  Heck, I'm not just in it for the 
sex, although I do want some more of that as soon as Lum as her baby. 


Crow: <Ataru> Sore, schmore!  <singing> I want my booty back, booty 
back, booty back...


I.I really do love Lum-chan now. And now that she's about to have my 
child." He sighed. "I honestly don't know for sure if we're gonna 
succeed, I mean, breaking into a top-security American military base, 
getting all those aliens out of there in one piece.it's gonna take a 
guerrilla army like ours." 


Tom: <Ten> Sure thing, Snake.  What can I put you down for, a SOCOM 
or a Nikita?


"B-but, I believe we can succeed, man," Ten answered. "All we can do 
at this point is have faith in ourselves. Hey, why are we talking like an 
after-school special all of a sudden?" "I dunno," Ataru responded, 
"Maybe because we just don't have any important things to say at the 
moment, I guess." He kicked a pebble. 


Crow: <Ten> Wow, I never knew you were so existential!

Joel: <Ataru, singing> We are... we are all innocent...


"Say, that's a pretty big truck coming our way on the highway," he 
muttered, talking about a metallic humming sound that seemed to be 
growing louder. 


Crow: <Ataru> Run for your lives!  The cacti here are BIONIC!!

Joel: <Ataru> Ten, did you whistle up the Gundam?


"Ahh.Ataru-chan, look behind you," Ten spurted, pointing skyward and 
behind Ataru. He glanced behind, and his eyes bugged out. 


Joel: The 50 foot woman picked a bad time to attack Nevada.

Tom: <Ataru, megaphone> Y'KNOW, WITH A LITTLE RED 
HAIR DYE, I THINK YOU COULD HELP ME PUT MY GIGANTA 
FETISH BEHIND ME, ONCE AND FOR ALL!


Heading towards them was a large Oni ship! Both started screaming 
when the tiger-striped metal behemoth hovered just about a hundred 
feet above the ground, casting two bright lights on them. Both felt 
strangely frozen in place, and the entire world turned white and 
invisible around them.


Crow: My god, they shaved the Earth!  It's... It's nothing more than a 
cue-ball now!

Tom: Victor Kiam would be proud.


When the light dimmed, three burly Oni guards in full uniform stood 
before them both, weapons drawn. "So, Earthling," one of them 
growled. "Evidently your little plot to capture Urusian citizens and 
hold them for ransom is working somewhat well."

"Urusians? Ransom? What are you talking about?" Ataru gasped, 
pleading his case.


Joel: <Oni> That's it, we just wanted to pay you a compliment.  You 
can go now.

Crow: <Ataru> I didn't get to that mission yet, I'm still having too 
much fun running over pedestrians!


"Don't play the fool with us, Earthling.


Tom: OK, I'll play the wandering minstrel.

Crow: <Ataru, nerdy> If by "fool" you mean "super-awesome halfling 
level 45 rogue", guilty as charged!


We should have seen this all along-you propose to and seduce the 
daughter of one of our most powerful warlord families, then 
impregnate her with your child so as to claim that you are related to an 
Oni, if only by marriage. 


Joel: Yeah, the Invaders are right up there with the Baldwins.

Tom: <Ataru> Dude, lay off the Jeremy Spangler.


Then on you wedding day, you and the main governments of Earth 
kidnap several Urusians, including the aforementioned Invader family, 
and will only return them on condition of a ransom! Perhaps all our 
planet's money or natural resources, or ownership of Planet Uru itself! 
Well, 'tis quite a pity that your little scheme failed!"


Crow: Oni Guard by Dinner Theater Reject.


"No, no, no. I did impregnate and marry Lum, but because I love her! 
And I'm trying to rescue her and her friends and family from the 
American government, which is holding them prisoner!"


Joel: <Ataru> Tell them, Foam!  Tell them what you told me!


"We'll see what the Uru Parliament has to say about that!" barked 
another guard. "Take him to his cell, men! And as for you, Ten, for 
your allegiance with the Earthling enemies, you are to be punished as 
well!" Ten screamed and tried to escape, but the guards soon captured 
him, and sent him and Ataru to a cell deep within the ship.


Joel: <Oni, singing> We'll send 'em cheesy movies!  The worst... ever 
made!

Tom: <Ataru> Push the button, Ten.

Crow: <Ten> You do it, I'm bitter.


"Well, I guess that's that," Ataru sighed as he watched the ship lift off 
through the cell window. Below he could see the mountains and 
desert vanish below him, and the landscape spread out like a gigantic 
model railroad set.  The air started to turn thin blue, with the 
blackness of space above, and he could also now see the Earth's curve.


Crow: <Ataru> Mmm, nice.

Tom: <Richard Mulligan> The view is magnificent, isn't it?  The only 
good thing about alien abduction!


But Ataru didn't feel enthralled, not only since he had already been into 
space before and seen this view, but also because this time he was on 
his way to being tried on Lum's planet for a crime he didn't commit. 


Tom: Fortunately the Oni locked them in a cell filled with spare 
parts, shop machines and several boxes of dynamite.

Joel: <Ataru> We've got an hour till Decker gets here, let's get 
to work.


"And now." he sobbed, some tears dripping from his eyes, "I'm never 
gonna see her again! I'll never see my child being born, or my parents, 
or my friends.or my planet." "Don't worry," Ten encouraged, patting 
his newfound friend on the back. "I helped you get out of the talk-show 
fiasco; I'll help you get out of this one too."


Tom: <Ten> I need a hair-dryer, three safety pins, the elastic from a 
pair of safety goggles and a jug of apple vinegar....

Joel: <Ataru> Oh, so THAT'S what MacGyver would do.


As soon as he said that, the ship lurched suddenly and unnervingly. 
They felt the pilot try to steer back on course briefly, but something 
was pulling at the ship. "Gaaaa!" Ataru screamed. "What's happening?"


Crow: <Ten, sighing> Let's just say Earthlings aren't the only ones that 
can't drive a stick shift.


"Wait a second," Ten thought. "I could see out the window. Now, if I 
remember my preschool universe geography class, the quickest way 
to reach Planet Uru from that point of Earth is by taking off at a 
40-degree angle bearing southeast relative to the Earth's equator.
Ohmigod! That trajectory would take us right over.the Atlantic 
Wormhole!"


Tom: We're just flying by the seat of our pants at this point, huh?

Crow: The backstory was so seamless, it was almost like witnessing 
the bathroom argument.


"Wh-what's that?" Ataru gasped.

"Well, you may have heard from Lum that there are numerous holes in 
the space-time continuum, as well as between dimensions. Oyuki uses 
those to travel back and forth through the universe."

"Uh-huh."


Joel:  <Ataru> Yeah yeah, I've seen Sliders.  Great show till the 
Professor died.  Your point?


"All wormholes are basically hazards in space travel. Some have actually 
been closed or shrunk over the years, but some, such as the Great 
Florida Wormhole, remain treacherous and are to be avoided, sort of 
like riptides at the beach. This wormhole is actually what caused all the 
Bermuda Triangle disappearances over the years."


Tom: Or so the Caponians at the Phone Company would have you believe.

Crow: <Ataru> I have it on good authority that it was all mermaid-related!


Ataru's eyes widened. "Y-you m-m-mean."

"Yep," Ten breathed, with a nonetheless petrified expression on his face. 
"Brace yourself. We're about to be taken who knows where.or when."


Tom: No shit, Vera Lynn.


With nothing else to do, both held onto each other and screamed all the 
way down as the ship swirled downward into the small, invisible hole.


Joel: In space, no one cares if you flush.


Fortunately, when the ship made its passage, the two opened their eyes 
to find they were still alive. Best of all, out the window they could see 
planet Earth. But was it the same planet Earth they had come to know? 
What was down there? 


Crow: <Oni Guard as Data> Sensors detect nine billion life forms... all 
humpback whales? 


That question momentarily left their minds as they started to reenter 
Earth's atmosphere. The window glowed reddish-orange, the entire 
craft rattled and roared, and Ataru could feel the pressure building to 
the breaking point in his ears. 


Crow: I'd kill for a Metaluna tube about now.


Although he had never been very religious, he actually started praying 
that the ship would not break up. 


Tom: Ataru felt better though seeing the whale and bowl of petunias 
out of the window.


Eventually the strange colors faded away, and far below they could make 
out the blackness of night. In just a few minutes, as the ship neared the 
Earth's surface, night gave way to day again.  Now they seemed to be 
over some water, like an ocean. Fortunately this was soon passed, and 
now they seemed to be coming in over land. 


Joel: <Oni> I thought the brown spots were soft and the blue spots were 
hard?!?


But which continent was it? It seemed rather arid, like they were back 
in the Nevada desert again. But how could they be over America again 
after flying in the same direction. Then Ataru remembered that since the 
Earth is a sphere, flying constantly without any directional change would 
eventually bring them back to the same spot. 


Crow: So THAT'S the theory behind this narration.


Seeing the towns and features below growing larger, Ataru and Ten both 
braced themselves for impact.  Even sturdy Urusian fibers couldn't handle 
the ship's tremendous impact. On touchdown, it broke into two pieces, 
which flew in separate directions. 


Tom: <Ataru> THIS ISN'T HOW I WANTED TO PAINT THE TOWN 
REDDDDDDDD...!!!


One landed in a nearby field. The rear section, in which Ataru and Ten 
were seated, landed in a lake, and was cushioned by cutting a path on 
its muddy bank. As it had been a prisoner-cargo ship, the cell in which 
the two had been imprisoned was built to withstand the toughest abuse. 
Also, any airline pilot will tell you that the safest seats are in back. 


Crow: And THAT'S why you see the pilots run to the rear of the plane 
before they crash.

Joel: Yeah, and the screaming makes them run faster.


The two struggled out, then dove away when they realized the soft mud 
they had landed in was actually quicksand.

"Whoa!" Ataru gasped, still not quite believing in what had just happened. 
"At least we're back on Earth, but where on Earth?" 


Tom: Obviously the soggy and swampy part of Nevada...

Crow: <Ten> Thank heaven!  There's a sign... "Plot - 3 Miles".


The landscape was that of a desert, with craggy mountains in the 
distance, and rolling, barren hills making up the scenery. The small lake 
in which the ship had crashed was surrounded by shady tamarisk and 
cottonwood trees. 


Joel: If my mom were here, she'd be snapping pictures by now.


Not far away stood a barn, a worn-looking farmhouse, and an 
old-fashioned windmill.   The two were still trying to take it all in when 
they heard a voice.


Crow: <Mary Ingalls> I may be blind but I can still tell when someone's 
staring at my chest. 


"Hey, git off my property! Don't make me break out my gun!" The two 
screamed and quickly dashed away. Fortunately, they found a dirt path 
which led out of the farmer's property. This was a relief; at least they 
seemed to be back in modern times now.


Joel: Actually, I'm fairly sure that farmers have acted like that for decades 
now... and when was time-travel even hinted at?

Tom: <Author> Oh, did I forget to mention the time travel?  That 
must mean I didn't bring up the whole "America is dystopia" subplot 
either... whoops!


A main highway lay beyond the gate, but it seemed to be out in the 
middle of nowhere. Ataru thought of hitching a ride to the next town, 
but Ten reminded him, "This is America. No one stops for hitchhikers 
here." 


Crow: Tell that to Page Fletcher.


So Ataru decided to foot it, and Ten decided to fly it. Some cars did 
pass them, but they all looked rather old, like from the 1940's. Strange. 
There must have been a classic car convention somewhere around. 
Eventually they reached the outskirts of a small American town, with 
low-slung houses and small shops. But something was very strange 
there. Not just a few, but all of the cars were, large, chromed monsters 
>from the '40s. 


Joel: <Ataru> Wow, my neighborhood could live in that car.


A boutique they passed had male mannequins clad in fedora hats and 
zoot suits, and the female ones in frilly dresses and poodle skirts. 


Crow: And in the next storefront over, the people were doing the 
jitterbug and complaining about Calvin Coolidge... err, no, Dwight 
Eisenhower?


An electronics store sold mostly ancient-looking radios with elaborately 
designed speakers and dial tuners. Everyone was gazing at a primitive 
television set that basically looked like a radio with a tiny screen only 
about five inches across.


Crow: OKAY, author, we get it.  It's the 1940's.

Joel: Or Gotham City.


Also, all the mostly white people were giving Ataru dirty looks, probably 
because he was Japanese. Ten was by now toddling along the sidewalk 
instead of flying, so as not to avert attention. 


Tom: Let's see... Green hair.  Horn on head.  Bumblebee outfit.  Best 
of luck!


The radios in the electronics store were blaring out something by Benny 
Goodman. "Aghh!" Ataru gasped. 


Crow: <Ataru as Mort Goldman> Oh god, the jazz!  My ears are 
bleeding again!  I can feel the flow!


"Where are we? When are we?" He ducked into a chrome-lined soda 
fountain, 


Joel: Great, we're in Willy Wonka's factory now.

Tom: <Ataru> Somehow I just can't feel the fizz.


which again looked like something out of "Back to the Future".


Crow: <author> Hint, damn you!  HINT!!


"Uhh, hello sir," Ataru babbled in his rusty English to the starched- white 
soda jerk. "Where am I?"  

"I'll tell you where you shouldn't be, boy," the jerk answered. "In here. 
This establishment is whites-only." 

"Uhh, what did you say?"


Tom: <Ten> No wonder they're called jerks.

Joel: <jerk> And if you want more epithets, you have to buy something 
first!


"I said we don't serve your kind here. Please leave." Ataru only picked 
up bits and pieces of what he was saying, but he got the message, and 
left. But first he asked one more question.


Crow: <Ataru> Uhh, Mister.... Pedro... why do you care about my skin 
color?

Tom: <Ataru> Are bigots better grilled or baked?  Ten, your thoughts?


"Look, could you just tell me what town this is? We are going on a long 
trip now."  

The man rolled his eyes. "This is Roswell, New Mexico. Now leave 
before I call the police."


Joel: <policeman> Forget it, Clem, I'm NOT coming over there 
anymore.  Yesterday, you thought that the cacti were naked...

Tom: <Clem> They STILL ARE!


Roswell! Was that true? It couldn't be. But it all seemed to add up, what 
with the antique cars and clothes all around him. As he walked out the 
door, Ataru glanced at a newspaper kept on a rack by the door. 

The date was July 9, 1947.


Crow: Those sad Roswellians have been reprinting that newspaper for 
the gullible rubes for fifty-five years now.


Ataru's eyes rolled back in his head, and he sank to the ground. So it was 
true. The Oni spacecraft they had been on had actually been the famous 
UFO that had crashed at Roswell and set off the modern UFO craze. It 
was the last thought passing through Ataru's mind as he sank into 
unconciousness yet again.


Joel: Well that and "Ooh, what pretty headlights!"


"Ataru! Hey Ataru, wake up!" Ten called, patting his cheeks as people 
stopped to take a look.


Tom: Does anyone have the mental image of a little Oni boy mooning 
a comatose Japanese teenager here?


So! What will become of Ataru? Will he ever see his pals, or his alien 
wife, again? If so, how will they find him again? The answer is up to 
you! Send me a review and an idea of how the next chapter in this story 
should go! I'll base the next chapter of "My Kid's an Alien!" on your 
idea, maybe even on a combination of two or three! So don't delay, 
kiddies! Ataru's fate is up to you! 


Crow: One vote for "Ataru will be Sailor Roswell!"

Joel: One vote for "Ataru discovers the true meaning of Christmas!

Tom: One vote for "Ataru becomes the next American Idol!"


MY KID'S AN ALIEN!- Chapter 4, or "The Invasion of the Oni 
Snatchers" Another "Urusei Yatsura" fanfiction story The characters 
of "UY" were created by Rumiko Takahashi. Everything else is mine, 
sort of.


Joel: <Author> Except for the goofballs, that's, uh, my roomate's.


Ataru awoke from his swoon in a bed in a darkened room. "Mom?" he 
called out, noticing someone. "Mom, is that you?"


Crow: OK, see, this is more about Ataru's sex life than I EVER 
wanted to know.

Joel: <shudders> No wonder he was a guest on Spangler.


"There, there now," answered a feminine voice, coming from a lady 
moving in front of an open window, which provided the only light in 
the room. "You've been asleep for about two hours now."


Tom: <Ataru> You wore my ass out, Mrs. McFly.


"Oh man," he groaned.


Joel: <Ataru> If I'm playing some 18th century hick with a nasty 
bowler hat... just throw me to the cows.


"I had the weirdest dream. I dreamed an alien girl fell in love with me. 
She was carrying my child.and we got married. And then I traveled 
back in time!"


Joel: <lady> Oh, that's just the jello.  It's been known to possess 
hallucinogenic properties. 


"Well, you're safe and sound now," she consoled him. ".back here in 
good old 1947."  

"1947!" he gasped, sitting up and turning on a bedside light. "Hey, 
you're not my mom!"


Crow: <Ataru> My mom could never afford those gazongas.


"Well, no," answered the pleasant blonde nurse in front of him.  "Lou 
Statler of Lou's Caf� said you passed out in front of his place, perhaps 
due to heat stroke. It does get pretty hot here in New Mexico in the 
summer."


Tom: <nurse> Yep, mighty sunny today... perfect weather for enjoying 
one of Lou Statler's world famous ice cream sundaes, wouldn't you say?  

Crow: <Ataru> Uh, miss?

Tom: <nurse> That's Lou Statler of Lou's Caf� on First and State Street!  
Try their scrumptious cherry pie too!


"Y-you can speak Japanese?"

"Hai. My dad actually used to work for the Japanese Embassy, so I 
learned the language in high school. I'm actually a trainee now." She 
smiled and sat down in a chair next to the hospital bed. "So, what are 
you doing here?"


Joel: <nurse> Oops, almost forgot to turn on my wire.

Tom: <Ataru> It's a massive coincidence to find a medical professional 
in a one-stop-sign town who speaks Japanese well enough to communicate 
with me entirely... so I shall happily unburden my soul to you!


"Uhh," Ataru realized he had to make up an alibi quick. "My.parents in 
Japan were killed during the bombing of Tokyo. I've been living in an 
orphanage since the end of the war, and now I'm here to.see if I can 
move in with my aunt."


Crow: <Ataru> I mourn my fireflies.


"Oh my! That's so sad," she emphatically responded, rubbing a wet 
washcloth on his forehead. Clad in her white '40s-vintage hospital 
uniform, and with the lamplight coming in from the side, she looked 
like one of those American pinup girls from World War II. 


Joel: <Ataru> This must be one of those blond bombshells I've 
heard so much about!


Ataru's heart sped up a little as he pictured the two together on a 
tropical beach, where no one could see them, both wearing very little.  

No. He had to get those thoughts out of his head now.


Tom: <nurse> Well, I see ONE part of you is well on the road to 
recovery.


He was married to the infinitely more gorgeous Lum, who was now 
pregnant with his child. He wanted a happy, stable family, with as little 
electric shocks from Lum as possible. But then another question came 
to mind. 


Crow: <Ataru> Got a defibrillator?  I'm feeling a bit nostalgic for home.


He had traveled 55 years back in time through a wormhole by a spaceship 
which was now destroyed; its occupants dead. Sakura, Mendo, and all 
the rest had no idea what had happened to him and Jariten. So the 
question was now, would he ever see Lum again? She wouldn't even be 
born for about 40 years.


Tom: <Ataru> This had better not be one of those "I'm my own father" 
fanfics, author...


"Uhh, heh heh," he began, his dirty grin on his face. "If you're not doing 
anything tonight."

"I'm sorry," she answered. "I already have a boyfriend. He's a soldier at 
the nearby army base."


Crow: <nurse> Look out the window, the twelfth bush on the left... he's 
right there, sighting you in.


Ataru's heart momentarily sank. But there were still plenty of fish in the 
sea! "Uhh, I think I'm better now, ma'am," he told the nurse. "Can I go 
now?"

"Well, your tests don't seem to show any real health problems or signs 
of heat stroke. So I guess you're free to go. Now about your bill."

A lightning flash struck Ataru's brain. 


Joel: <nurse as Dr. Hibbert> ...I'm afraid it's now $40,000.

Crow: <Ataru> L-Lum! *cough*  You found me!


His bank account obviously didn't exist yet, plus credit cards did not yet 
exist in the 1940s.


Crow: Indentured servitude, on the other hand...


"Er, I don't have much money on me now."

"Well then, since this didn't take much effort or time, we can bill your 
aunt later."

"Oh, well thanks then. Okay!" Ataru got out of the bed and waved 
goodbye to the nurse.


Joel: <Nurse> OK, let's see, service of payment to... "Aunt."  There!

Tom: I bet that's the most eager he's ever been to leave a bed with a 
woman beside it.


Ten had been hiding in a closet once again, and followed Ataru out of 
the hospital. "I can't believe you!" he snapped. "Why are you not only 
making promises you don't intend to keep, and making passes at other 
girls again?"


Crow: Because Ten's voyeurism and unwillingness to help is certainly 
more noble.

Tom: <Ten> You know, the world back in that wardrobe is a heckuva 
lot more interesting than the drivel you're dealing with.


"Think about it, buddy boy," Ataru explained. "We're basically stuck here 
in the '40s now. I'm probably never gonna see Lum again, so I might as 
well look for more girls."


Joel: So it took going back fifty-five years for Ataru to be... Ataru?

Tom: <Temple Fugate> Really, it was only a matter of time.


"Then don't you think you should worry about getting a job and finding 
a house and improving your English first, or maybe finding a way back 
to Japan, instead of going right back to girl hunting?"

"So, I'll just pick up someone at a bar and move in with her."


Tom: <Norm Peterson> Hey Carla, that weird Japanese kid is back.

Crow: <Ataru> You're spending the night with Ataru Garvin, Male 
Prostitute!


"God," Ten muttered. "This is why you need Lum-chan! She kept you in 
line at least! And by the way, we're in the 1940s! People had stronger 
morals and values back then.I mean now!"


Crow: Yeah, like racism... sexism... anti-Semitism... bigotry....


"Oh really?" Ataru asked, pointing to a GI driving by in an early Jeep 
filled with laughing girls, and to a burlesque hall at the other end of 
the block. Ten sighed. There just wasn't any stopping this beast.


Joel: Ataru's going to trigger the Sexual Revolution?  I always 
wondered if aliens had something to do with the 60s.


Ataru used about half of his cash (he had exchanged his yen for dollars 
before the time warp) to rent a swanky white zoot suit, a felt fedora hat, 
and a pair of shiny leather boots. "Heh heh," he said, admiring himself 
in a mirror, "I don't know what your plans are for tonight, Ten-chan, 
but as for me, I'm going a-girl hunting!"


Tom: <Ataru> If you need me, I'll be at Jay Gatsby's place.

Crow: Most people, when going bowling, only bother renting the shoes.


Some 55 years later and 700 miles away, the Tomobiki Six was in a panic. 
"Ataaaaaaaaaaru!!!" called Sakura. "Ten-chaaaaaannnnnnnnn!!! Where 
could they have gone?"


Joel: <Cherry> Mustang Ranch?


"I-I don't know what to say," Shinobu gasped. "They're both nowhere to 
be found."

"Rghh! That damned Moroboshi!" Mendo muttered, kicking some dirt. 
"I should've known he would go off girl hunting and ruin this mission! 
Why did we bother bringing him along?"

"Uh, remember he was kidnapped by that talk-show host? And besides, 
he is married to Lum now!" Shinobu argued. 


Tom: <Mendo> You've been able to follow this plot?  You're our new 
navigator!


"Also, what girls is he going to hunt out here?" She gestured to the 
barren Nevada wastelands stretching around them in all directions. As 
if to drive her point home, the only sounds to be heard after her 
comment were those of the wind and a hawk screaming in the distance.


Crow: <Shayera Hol> GET OFF ME, YOU LECH!  Dammit, Vixen, 
stop laughing!


"You know what Moroboshi is capable of. He's probably having a 
mirage and making out with a Joshua tree right now."


Tom: <Mendo> I wonder how long it'd take for him to realize his 
"girlfriend" has more wood than he does.


"Shutaro!" snapped Mrs. Moroboshi, obviously a bit edgy due to her son 
going missing. "Ataru has changed now. I don't know about you, but I 
see something different and more wholesome in him. So I don't 
appreciate your deprecating comments."


Joel: This has to be the longest bathroom break in road trip history.

Crow: Clark Griswold would have packed all the dead bodies and tied 
them up to the car by now.


"Besides," Shinobu added, "why would he bring Ten along if he were 
going girl-hunting?"


Tom: <Mendo> Because women respond better to pets.


"Hey, I don't plan to do this search all by myself!" Sakura called. "Quit 
cackling like hens and let's look around. You too, Mr. Moroboshi!" But 
Ataru's dad was sitting in the dining room, gazing at the TV. CNN was 
on, playing something that sounded important.


Crow: Yeah, that's how "Crossfire" ends up duping everybody.

Joel: <Larry King> We're here tonight with Kermit the Frog, Kermit... are 
the rumors of divorce true, is the honeymoon over?

Tom: <Kermit The Frog> The pork gave me the clap!  It's not easy 
peeing green!


"Hey, Sakura!" he called out to the priestess. "There's a news story on 
TV that I think you should check out! Especially since you and Mendo 
are the only ones here who are any good at English, and I'd like to 
know what the hell's going on there!"


Joel: It's only CNN's 532nd update on the love life of Brad Pitt, nothing 
serious...


Onscreen, the President of the United States finished his speech. 


Tom: Rarely is the question asked, is our politicians learning?


Then the camera shifted to a large Oni! A caption below read: U.S. 
GOVERNMENT DENIES ANY ROLE IN KIDNAPPING OF SPACE 
ALIENS. When the large alien began speaking, another caption read, 
"Zordak G'duunxi- Prime Minister of Planet Uru". The Oni leader 
cleared his throat and began speaking: 


Joel: <Zordak> Meesa demand you release 'em them prisoners!


"People of Earth: What the President of the United States of America 
tells you I have no comprehension of. 


Crow: You and everyone else on the planet, pal.


You probably know by now that six extraterrestrials, four from my planet 
Uru, one from Neptune in your solar system, and another from the 
goddess world of Fukinokami, have been captured by the American 
government. They all had Urusian visas, by the way. 


Tom: <Zordak> Senor Ugarte was very courteous to us and answered 
all our questions.... 


Just earlier today an Urusian reconnaissance ship disappeared from radar 
screens over your planet. We Urusians have never been people to jump 
to conclusions, but the situation makes us quite impatient. Once again 
let me tell you; if America does not hand over these six aliens who were 
on Earth for purely peaceful purposes, then Planet Uru will be forced 
declare war on your country."


Joel: <Zordak> And by war, we mean a two-second discharge of our 
Death Star.


A man captioned as one of the top brass in the Department of Defense 
stood up and angrily responded, 


Tom: <man> Wah wah waaah wa wa wahhhhh!

Joel: Somebody clean out his spit valve!


"Once again, Mr. Prime Minister, we have done nothing of the sort! Our 
records show that we have not captured any alien beings in the past 
week as you assert. 


Crow: <man> We did bag us a big giant head about a month ago though....


Furthermore, our records also show that we were not even in Japanese 
territory in the past week! I have no idea where your allegations come 
from, but I believe you are mistaken."


Tom: <Zordak> My allegations come from my mouth, yours come from 
a place we've become well-acquainted with over the years.


"One again, I am baffled by your explanations," rebutted the Oni leader. 
"What we know, and what several members of the press and onlookers 
>from Japan have testified, is that several extraterrestrial beings were 
kidnapped and detained by the U.S. Department of State, who even 
showed their identification. 


Joel: <Zordak> Make no mistake, we will soon find this 'Dick Tracy' 
and his 'Junior Detective Squad'....

Crow: You know, if I had high-level debates, I'd use them to figure out 
exactly what alternatives there were to Ataru's zoot suit.


Rumors have circulated throughout the American government that they 
are being detained at your country's military base called Area 51, in the 
state of Nevada."


Joel: <Zordak> Don't bother denying it!  Your 'Weekly World News' 
has already broken the story!


"But we are telling the truth! I know for a fact that no extraterrestrials 
are currently detained at Nellis Air Force Base, and I am willing to 
look Americans, and people the Earth and universe over in the eyes, 
and say that your allegations are not true." He glared directly in the 
camera as he said this.


Crow: <Lloyd Bridges> Took a depth charge off the coast of Malaysia 
and they made me two working eyes out of latex.  They need constant 
Armor-All treatment...


The manager of the diner turned off the TV on this news. "There go 
that damned liberal media again," he muttered, "always trying to 
blame America for everything."


Crow: <manager> These Peter Jennings memorial plushies are going 
right back in the cellar!


"What the-" gasped Sakura, upon hearing this message. She told the gist 
of it to the rest of the crowd. "Is what the American government saying 
true? Could Lum and the rest have been captured by someone else and 
the U.S. have been framed? Could someone have just thrown us a red 
herring?"


Tom: How 'bout a great white?  Let Jaws sort 'em out.

Joel: This thing is just crying out for Detective Adam West.


They had no idea that as she said this, they were being watched.by a 
curious jackrabbit which bounded away when it saw a hawk swooping 
down.


Crow: <manager> Little symbolism with your coffee, ma'am?


"But that still doesn't answer the question of what happened to my son," 
wondered aloud Ataru's mom. "Let's just keep looking for him and Ten." 
As she said this, a huge, Hummer drew up alongside the road. The doors 
opened, and out stepped some strange men, all clad in black and wearing 
dark sunglasses. Before they could do anything, all four that were 
present stepped up to them.


Tom: Boy, those Blues Brothers just keep finding all sorts of relatives 
everywhere...


"U.S. State Department," explained one with dark hair who seemed to 
be their leader. "I'm afraid you people are trespassing on government 
property. 


Joel: <manager> Oh, I've finally been bought out!  Thank god!


You'll have to come with me now." Before they could do anything, they 
had seized the group and were dragging them to their car. 


Crow: <man in sunglasses> Relax, we're just going to visit my aunt and 
uncle in Bel Air!


All tried to escape, but the agents seemed to have an almost superhuman 
grip with hands and fingers of iron. 


Joel: And gloves of velvet.

Crow and Tom: <agents> No, there's no such thing as Skynet.  Why 
would you think such a thing?


They then crammed all six into the Hummer's vast backseat, jumped in 
front, and took off like a bullet. The car must have hit about 80 mph 
in just two seconds.


Crow: Completely squishing Brendan Fraser, Jenna Elfman, and Bugs 
Bunny.  Sadly, only one of the above could reinflate.


"Hey, wait!" Mendo shouted. "What the hell's going on here? Where are 
you taking us?"

"Don't worry, Earthling," answered one in a strange tone. "You'll soon 
find out." To everyone's horror, he reached to the bottom of his neck, 
and started peeling off his face! Of course it wasn't really his face, but an 
elaborate mask.  Beneath that was.an alien face! But he wasn't an Oni.


Tom: <Mendo> You!  You're not a G-Man, you're one of the KUNG-FU 
CREATURES ON THE RAMPAGE!  TWO!


Instead he looked more like the aliens most people claim to see when 
they get abducted. He(she?) had a head shaped like a light bulb, with 
bulging, teardrop shaped eyes. They were somewhat like those of an 
insect, and totally black, with no pupils inside. They didn't even seem to 
reflect any light. Its nostrils and mouth were basically slits in the skin, 
which was lead gray. 


Joel: <Sakura> Friend of yours, Uncle?

Tom: Another Madden refugee finally comes out after two solid 
months of seclusion.


It also didn't seem to have any ears. The creature seemed to be part of 
the famous alien race colloquially known as the "grays". All screamed 
on seeing it.

"You!" Sakura screeched. 


Crow: <Sakura> Dammit, I got a restraining order with that divorce!  
500 feet, you bastard!


"You captured Lum and her parents and friends and framed the 
American government!"


Joel: <alien> Huh?  Lady, we just wanted Japanese takeout.


"Yes, we might as well be straight with you," answered the gray 
commander in a cold, emotionless voice similar to Oyuki's. "It figures 
you would find out sooner or later." The driver of the Hummer then 
pressed a small red button on the steering wheel. As soon as he did 
this, something radical occurred. 


Tom: The Plot Engager was in the Hummer the whole time?  How 
come we couldn't have pressed it earlier and got a plot?


Like in "Men in Black", the wheels flipped under the vehicle, and the 
various panels on its sides and top flipped around like a Transformers 
toy. It was turning into a spaceship! The speed accelerated even further 
as they zoomed upward at a 45-degree angle.  


Joel: <alien> Centauri's job is a breeze since he started recruiting you 
Asian kids!


The driver of an approaching RV, an elderly man traveling around the 
country with his wife, saw the Grays' ship launch into the sky. He just 
shrugged his shoulders and thought, "It happens."


Crow: <old man> Ethel!  Go pour the liquid Schwartz in our 
dashboard-mounted emergency tank, I'm gonna follow 'em!


As soon as the transformation had been completed, belts of a strong alien 
fiber looped around the gang's bodies and held them firmly in place. "So 
where are you taking us?" asked Mendo.


Tom: <alien> We're taking YOU to OUR leader!  Ha ha!  Chew on that 
a while, human scum!  


"Oh, you'll find out soon enough," answered the Gray commander. "But 
first we have to pick up your friend Ataru Moroboshi." They were 
passing the boundary of space now, and aiming southeast, towards the 
same wormhole which had drawn Ataru and Ten back in time.


Crow: ...just in time to interrupt Ataru's fifth body shot off Betty Boop.


"What are you doing?" shrieked Mendo. "Th-th-that looks like a black 
hole!" Mendo had never been in outer space before, and there was a 
lot for him to be scared of; the infinite blackness, plus the fact that he 
was also afraid of heights, and he had a window seat.


Tom: Wait till he gets the in-flight meal.


"Correction," answered the Gray commander. "It's a wormhole. They're 
smaller and not as dangerous as black holes, and yes, we are going in."


Joel: <Gray> Hope we don't run into any Celestial Prophets... they're 
really hard to clean off the windshield.


The group all started screaming as the suction of gravity pulled them 
toward the space vortex, lined with bluish-white material being drawn 
in. All were screaming except for Cherry.

"Don't you ever get scared?" Sakura asked him.

"When you believe in fate, there is no reason to fear," Cherry mused, 
munching a chocolate bar.


Crow: <Cherry> Plus I always peek at the script.


"And now," continued the alien commander, "for your treatment, heh 
heh. Look into my eyes."

"And what if we don't want to?" asked Mendo sarcastically.

"Oh, you want to. You want to," continued the Gray commander, 
staring at them all. 


Tom: So this is how Jim Bakker started his ministry.


Sure enough, once his gaze had even caught them out of the corner of 
their eyes, it was firmly anchored in his command and there was little 
they could do. Those dark pits.so dark and bottomless.drawing in all 
forms of light with no chance of escape. "Now you are in my power. 
You are powerless to resist."


Joel: <Gray Alien> You will assassinate Chris Carter.


"We are powerless to resist," the humans answered in flat, zombielike 
tones.


Crow: Six more consumers are ready to enter America's marketplace!


"So babe, would you like to dance?" Ataru asked a comely waitress at 
a bar in Roswell, 1947. "I've got a good feeling about us." The lady 
promptly smacked him.


Joel: <Ataru> No no, that was just the tip, I don't pay for it, really!

Crow: <lady> You wanna cop a feel, it's a two drink minimum fella!


"Have you noticed that's like the tenth time you've struck out?" Ten 
asked him, popping up from under the bar. "Just give it a rest already!"


Tom: <Ten> Whose lily white butt do I have to barbecue around here to 
get some umeboshi!?

Joel: I pray that if I ever get stranded in time I'll be calm enough to go bar 
hopping with flying aliens too.


"No, I just know someone right is gonna come along," Ataru answered. 
"I'm staying here till closing time!"

"Yeah, 'cause you don't have anywhere else to go," muttered the alien 
toddler. 


Crow: <Ataru> Maybe I'll try the naugahyde door again... if I only knew 
the password....


"Okay, you can just keep on trying to pick up girls. I'm gonna look for 
a hotel." But as he made his way through the crowded lobby, the 
ominous sound of an air-raid siren filled the town.


Joel: <Ataru> Last call already?

Tom: That's surprising, I thought that Roswell was in the "acceptable 
loss" category.


In those tense days following the advent of the atom bomb and the birth 
of the Cold War, that siren in that crowded bar was like detonating 
dynamite in a beehive. People shrieked like banshees and meshed into a 
confused tangle trying to squeeze out through the door. 


Crow: <Ataru> Opportunity knocks!  Hey babes, you don't want to die 
virgins do you?


Meanwhile, the radio announced, "We interrupt 'Amos 'n Andy' to bring 
you this special report! A farmer from about 3 miles south of Roswell, 
who wishes to remain anonymous, claims that an alien spacecraft has 
crashed on his property! 


Crow: <Ataru, laughing> Yeah, right.  Folks, don't believe this dopey 
radio... it just gave the score of the Brooklyn Dodgers game!


It is currently unknown whether the spaceship had merely crashed on 
Earth by mistake, or if it is in fact part of an impending extraterrestrial 
invasion! This is not another 'War of the Worlds'-style fictional radio 
drama! The staff of station KUKU assures listeners that we are telling 
the truth this time! 


Joel: <announcer> This time KUKU ain't cuckoo!

Tom: Meanwhile, a young Bert I. Gordon gets a film idea.


Please either arm yourselves or calmly make your ways to the nearest 
air-raid shelter! We'd also like to remind people that, if you wish to 
start a happy family, in today's fast-paced times, you need a car! 


Crow: <announcer> Conceive your child in the backseat of our model 
Chevrolet!


And you can find the best deals in all of Southeast New Mexico at 
Honest John Slickley's Packard, located just two miles north of the 
town center on U.S. 285. Or call Klondike 5-1756! Honest John 
Slickley's-if Packard doesn't make it, it ain't at Honest John's!"


Tom: May I point out the amount of FCC fines these dolts would get 
for putting advertising in a civil emergency announcement?

Joel: The best argument against a car... getting a radio that tunes to 
KUKU.


The town was in an uproarious panic. Soldiers were trying in vain to 
console the people, who were insanely trying to make their way to 
anyplace safe. 


Joel: <Soldier> There there, your father's in a better place now.  And 
in his next life he'll think more about giving me a line of fire.


Ataru could barely tell which way he was going. He vainly tried to plow 
his way through the crowd, looking for any form of relief. Finally he 
found it in a small alley between two buildings. 


Crow: Having thusly plowed, he found himself wondering if corn or 
alfalfa seeds would be best.


Watching the insane mob out there, he wondered, not for the last time, 
if he would ever see anyone he knew again. Now even Ten-chan was 
gone, and he still had no way of getting back to his own time. Ataru 
then depressingly sank down and stared at the opposite wall a bit. Ten 
had been right; he should have at least found some place to spend the 
night, maybe even get a job, before going out to nab a woman. 


Joel: Booze mixed with teenagers causes depression?  Who would've 
thought?

Tom: <Ataru> If I can just find an opening for a Jungle Goddess....


Ataru was used by now to being wrong about something, but not too 
many times before had his consequences been this dire.

"Hello, Ataru. We've been looking for you," beckoned a familiar voice. 
Ataru glanced up and saw it was Sakura!

"Sakura!" he happily cheered, running up to her. "But how did you get 
here?" Without knowing what he was doing, he wrapped his arms 
around her slender torso. 


Crow: <Ataru> Jussst call me Bender, baby.


He then braced himself for the imminent beating, but surprisingly nothing 
happened. "Sakura?" he asked, waving his hand right in front of her eyes. 
"Can't you respond to me?" 


Joel: *SLAP!*

Crow: <Ataru> Let me rephrase that....


Suspicious that something fishy was going on here, Ataru puckered up 
and gave her a full-on French kiss. Once again she just stood there 
with an eerily placid face.


Tom: <Mendo> Hallucinating and making out with a Joshua tree... can 
I call 'em or what?


"Come on, Ataru. We have to go find Lum," she told him without any 
of her usual grouchiness. 

"Yes, Ataru," responded Mendo's voice. Sure enough, coming from 
behind a corner was Shutaro himself, but also with an odd vacant look 
in his eyes. Both sounded like they were on Prozac or something.


Joel: <Mendo> I've discovered the joy of saliva.

Crow: <Ataru> Surely this will cure Sakura's love of cinemas!


"Yes, duty calls," continued Shinobu, who appeared behind him, also 
staring straight at Ataru with those spooky blank eyes.

"Your parents need you," echoed Ataru's parents, following the others.

"Fate commands that you come with us," drawled Cherry, bringing up 
the rear.


Tom: <Sakura> BRAAAAAINNNNNNS.... oops, that just slipped 
out... come with us!


"Gaaaa!" Ataru screamed. "This isn't right! You're zombies or something! 
Get away from me!" But he soon saw that he was caught between a rock 
and a hard place. At one end of the alley were the alien-crazed 
cattle-people, forming an impenetrable wall of humanity. At the other 
were his friends and parents, albeit with unsettling, emotionless faces. 
Frozen in place with fear, Ataru let their hands close in on him. 


Joel: Suddenly Jill Valentine burst through a nearby door and screamed 
for Ataru to get down.

Crow: <Ataru> Nice pair of boots you got there.


Shinobu and Sakura were always very physically strong, but now their 
grips felt superhuman, like iron. Something definitely was screwy here. 
"Hellllllllp!" Ataru called out to the people. "The aliens have got me!!!! 
The aliens have got me!!! Tell the people!!!"


Joel: <people> The aliens have Ataru.  Pass it on.

Tom: To think that this alley will be marked by a Starbucks in only 
fifty years... as well as the crash site, the radio station, the bar...


"Now keep quiet, son," Cherry said, holding a disturbing-looking metal 
rod up to Ataru' head. "We don't want anyone to find out about this, 
now." Ataru tried to scream but Sakura's iron hand completely muffled 
any sound that would have come from him. 


Joel: They're gonna tap him like a keg!

Crow: <Cherry> *thunk*  Damn straw won't go in!  *thunk*  Kid's worse 
than a freaking Capri Sun! *thunk*


He braced himself for the inevitable pain that would come when Cherry 
knocked him out with the rod, but instead the deranged old monk just 
held it up to the side of Ataru's head. A humming noise eminated from 
it, and once again the unlucky teenage boy felt his mind begin to dull.


Tom: Thankfully the tickle ray was almost out of juice.


Without any more resistance, he let himself succumb to its powers, and 
drifted into sleep. 


Crow: <Ataru> Ahh, the life of a Viking beckons.

Joel: As does the leftover tuna.  Anybody want a sandwich?

Tom: I do!  Me me me!

Joel: Crow?

Crow: I'll take a Big Boy Burger with a Birch Beer, Bob!

Joel: Uh, would you settle for peanut butter on rye?

Crow: Whatever.

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)

*     *     *

DEEP 13

     "HE DID IT AGAIN, THAT SON OF A BITCH!"  

     Dr. Forrester paused in the hallway, startled.  He had never heard 
Frank's voice filled with such loathing and hatred before, not even during
the Unhappy Meal incident.  

     "I guess I was a little harsh on him... still, the employee handbook 
frowns on badmouthing a superior... at least I think it does.  I should 
really read that thing one of these days...."  Dr. Forrester mused as he 
walked into the lab and stood before his assistant, removing his glasses 
and rubbing his eyes before speaking.  

     "Frank... just because I've crushed your spirit again by trapping you 
in a cramped prison cruelly resembling a heartfelt reward for all you've 
endured that electroshocks you if you touch anything..."  Dr. Forrester 
took a deep breath before continuing.  "...doesn't give you carte blanche 
to insult me... even if the insult is true in many... many ways."  Dr. 
Forrester admitted with a sigh. 

     "No, don't go back with him... he'll just do it again... please... 
d-don't..."  Frank whispered sadly, his lower lip trembling.

     "Huh?  What on earth are you blathering about?"  Dr. Forrester 
snapped as he replaced his glasses and was surprised to see Frank 
hunched over like a vulture, completely focused on something Dr. 
Forrester couldn't see and oblivious to all else.

     "D-Damn you, Moose!  You big jerk!"  Frank hissed, his teeth 
clenched as he continued to read the Archie Comic Digest he had found 
tucked underneath the seat of his new car.  Several tries and several 
thousand volts later, he had finally gotten the darn thing and took 
comfort in the fact that he wouldn't have a use for hairy knuckles in the 
future. 

     But the joy had been short-lived as Frank found himself growing more 
and more furious with every panel he scanned over.  "Why doesn't Mr. 
Weatherbee throw his ass in jail!?  Reggie's half dead for God's sake!  
And Midge was TOTALLY leading him on, though who could blame 
her, really!?"

     "FRANK!!!"  A loud angry voice temporarily snapped him out of his 
own world but not out of his foul mood.  Dr. Forrester was taken aback 
as Frank leaned his head out the passenger window, glass shattering 
everywhere. 

     "It's BOGUS, man!  Totally BOGUS!  Moose treats Midge like 
property so she dates Reggie then Reggie get creamed, thus proving 
Midge's point but she ALWAYS forgives him until the next time!  Don't 
they realize it's an unending cycle!?"  Frank ranted, an unhealthy look in 
his eyes.

     "Uh, Frank...?"  Dr. Forrester pointed at the glass on the floor but 
Frank was oblivious as he shoved the Archie comic in Dr. Forrester's 
face.

     "Just look at this!"  Frank jabbed his thumb at a panel in the comic.  
"Moose glued an ostrich egg to his head so people would call him an 
EGGHEAD!  Dyslexic, my ass!  He's always been an IDIOT!"

     "Ooooo-kay... I think I may have underestimated the dangers of 
your confinement... maybe I'd better...."  Dr. Forrester began slowly.

     "No!  Don't you see!?"  Frank pushed his way out of the car's window 
like a snake and slowly slithered towards an increasingly creeped out Dr. 
Forrester.  "You did me a favor!  I never would have discovered this 
grave injustice had I not run out of bottles of beer to sing about!  And the 
Moose/Midge/Reggie triangle is just the tip of the iceberg!"

     "F-Frank...."  Dr. Forrester was terrified now as Frank pulled him 
nose-to-nose, his left eye twitching violently.  Dr. Forrester could have 
sworn he heard the sound of bell chimes gently moving in the wind as 
Frank whispered to him.

     "I've uncovered a conspiracy, Steve... one that is far larger than anyone 
could guess.  Archie has been screwing with our minds for decades... but 
there's so much ground to cover... one man can't do it alone, that's why 
we have to focus on a single task... that's why... Moose Mason must die."

     "Uh, do you two want to be alone or something?"  A voice called out 
from behind the shaking scientist.   

     "H-HELP!!!  FRANK'S GONE NUTS!!!"  Dr. Forrester screamed as 
he finally found his voice and made a break for it down the hall and into 
his room, slamming the door behind him.  Meanwhile, Frank turned to 
face the viewscreen where Joel and the bots watched him with trepidation.

     "It's probably telling that someone needs to be electroshocked to care 
THAT MUCH about Archie Comics."  Tom wryly observed. 

     "Frank?  You OK, buddy?"  Joel asked, concerned.

     "Joel... Joel, my little space friend... you'll help me kill Moose, won't 
you?  Won't you?"  Frank smiled.

     "Um... okay, but you have to take responsibility for it."  Joel 
cautioned as he walked over to the umbiliport and dropped something 
inside before yanking the cord beside it.

     Frank eagerly ran over to the lab's umbiliport and retrieved the item 
before rushing back over to the viewscreen.  Placing the comic flat on 
the console,  he then opened the container of liquid paper Joel had sent 
him.

     "Die, my little bully... feel the wrath of Frank."  he whispered as he 
lovingly and repeatedly stroked the comic with the liquid paper brush.

     "Remember, you tell anybody where you got that...."  Joel warned.

     "I don't rat on my friends, Joel... ahh, he's almost gone."  Frank replied 
with a contented sigh.  Meanwhile Tom and Crow, who had remained 
silent during the whole ordeal, looked up at Joel.

     "Joel, are you sure that was a good idea?  What if he tries to whack 
Weatherbee next?"  Tom inquired.

     "Nah, I've got Weatherbee covered.  Frank was only partly right though, 
the conspiracy is vast all right but only linked to certain individuals in the 
Archie Uni... hey, where are you going?"  Crow asked as Joel and Tom 
slowly backed away from the confused robot.  


TO BE CONTINUED IN 'MY KID'S AN ALIEN!' PT. 3....


Hiya!  I hope you're enjoying this MSTing so far!  As with my other
mutiple part MSTings, there's lots more fun and weirdness to come,
so don't skip it or you'll only be missing out on some great riffing and
skits.  ;)


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