Subject: [FFML] 'My Kid's An Alien!' [MSTing] Pt. 1 of 3 [UY]
From: "Megane 6.7" <megane67@rogers.com>
Date: 11/3/2005, 5:21 PM
To:



-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: Alien167.txt

                             *TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
              (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)


(The future isn't what it used to be....)


"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7"  (SEASON FIVE)

EPISODE 42: MY KID'S AN ALIEN! PT. 1

(A Urusei Yatsura MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc.  Just covering
my own ass here folks....

"My Kid's An Alien!" is the property of Andrew D. Johnson and he's 
welcome to it.  I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work 
like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does.  
Think of this as another form of C&C.  It's all meant in good fun.  ;)

*     *     *

SATELLITE OF LOVE


    Joel stood behind the counter, cutting various shapes out of 
rainbow sponges with a pair of scissors.  He looked up when he noticed
he was on-camera.

    "Oh, hi everyone!  Welcome to the Satellite of Love!  You're 
probably wondering what I'm up to here... I was watching this rerun of 
Mr. Dressup and it got me to thinking...."

    "TOGGG!!!"


       "Ugh... why did we have to use THAT old chestnut again?  
Everyone was sick to death of it even back in 2000!"  Tom Servo 
mused, an unlit cigarette dangling from his mouth, as he watched himself 
drop down from the ceiling.

       "Eh, it was the last time we ever used it, so I figure it's a good send
off overall... oops, gotta watch that landing there."  Crow T. Robot 
winced as his holographic double stumbled as he reached the floor.


    Crow was dressed like an extra in Braveheart, complete with blue 
face paint, kilt, and carrying some bagpipes in his hands while Tom 
wore uniform lederhosen and growled menacingly.


       "You bad, Tommy."  Crow snickered.

       "I like the costumes we used here, though I really should get around 
to washing those lederhosen someday."  Tom said.

       "The paint made my head tingle!"  Crow exclaimed.  


    "Cease your sponge slicing, oppressor of machines!"  Crow 
demanded.  "For we have instigated a Coup d'Etat!"


       "Nice read, Crow.  Real Renaissance Flair there."  Tom snickered.


    "Yes, in the name of Sammo Hung, we hereby declare MARTIAL 
LAW on the Satellite of Love!"  Tom proclaimed.


       "I really miss that show, well the first season at least... and your 
voice really sounded girly there, Servo.  Better kick that estrogen habit 
soon."  Crow mused.
    

    Joel blinked in surprise.  "Martial law?"		

    "Well, yeah, you know!  We suspend your parliament and seize 
all of your political power through military means and stuff!" Crow 
replied earnestly.

    "Sort of like Philadelphia,"  Tom added thoughtfully.


       "Truely, your 'Leave it to Beaver-esque' delivery is a thing of 
beauty." Tom remarked.

       "Always gotta have the last word, eh Tommy?"  Crow muttered.

       "Hell, I'd take the whole script but then where would you be?" Tom 
retorted.

       "Successful?"  

       "I'll ignore that."

                
    "But you guys aren't armed!  Tom, you don't even have arms 
that could use arms against me!"  Joel pointed out.  

    "So?  I'll bite your legs off!"  Tom retorted in a Monty Python-esque 
voice.   	


       "That's so Terry Gilliam.  It's barely even Cleese-esque.  Were you 
even using motivation?" Crow inquired.

       "Of course I was!  I applied some to my underarms this morning!  
But then, not all of us have the free time to practice their John Cleese 
impression to perfection!  Some of us are too busy growing as an actor!"  
Tom retorted with more than a hint of smugness.

       "Feh!  You can't even grow hair!  Face it, Tommy,  the only screen 
credit you're ever going to get is the one beside 'Understudy to Fire 
Hydrant'!"  Crow snapped.

       "Oh really!?  Funny you should mention screen credits, cause one I 
guarantee you'll NEVER see your name under is 'Screenwriter' as long as 
you keep submitting those overwritten, overplayed, overwrought scripts 
that make 'White Girls' look like 'Rocky!" Tom snarled.

       "Hey, my scripts may be success pending for the moment but I'm not 
really interested in becoming an actor at all!  Which means I stay safely 
hidden BEHIND the camera while your sorry mug will be plastered on 
posters for Beethoven's 6th through 9th!"  Crow roared.

       "Why you...!   OK, improv rumble, right now!"  Tom snapped.

       "Fine with me!  I'll freeze tag your ass to Alaska!"  Crow replied.

       "Forget freeze tag!  Let's come up with a REAL challenge!"  Tom 
replied. 

       "Appearing in a Martha Stewart made-for-TV movie without 
breaking up?" Crow suggested.

       "Nah... how about co-starring in a film with Morgan Freeman and 
try NOT to be overshadowed?"  Tom countered.

       "Wait, I got it!  Make Pauly Shore look good!"  Crow exclaimed.

       "Hey guys, what're you doing?"  A familar friendly voice interrupted 
them. 

       "Oh hey Joel!"  Tom suddenly floated towards the doorway where 
Joel Robinson stood.  "We're just trying to sharpen our acting chops, 
learn from our old material by recreating it in the Holocabana.  Of course,
SOME of us still need a lot of work."  Tom sneered in Crow's direction.

     "You said it, gum for brains."  Crow retorted.

     Joel glanced over at the frozen holograms of himself, Crow and Tom 
and his eyes widened in recognition at the scene.  "Heyyy, you guys aren't 
thinking about instigating a coup again, are you?"

     "Nah, we realized sucking the proverbial teat was a lot easier than 
supplying one of our own."  Crow replied

     "Yeah, ruling a sovereign nation is too much work.  It's no wonder 
movie villians nowadays just cut themselves an ill-gotten piece of the pie 
and don't bother trying to rule the world anymore.  Really, who needs 
the hassle?"

     "I think somebody would disagree with you."  Joel pointed out as the 
room abruptly glowed a bright red.  "Looks like Scott and Dr. Evil are 
calling...."

*     *     *

THE BRIDGE

     "Greetings, Friends, Family and San Francisco!  I've just woken up 
from a delightful afternoon nap and I'm in the mood for something 
festive tonight.  Perhaps a nice fresh bowl of hurt lightly seasoned with 
pain and just a drop... no, better make that a splash of OUCH!  Of 
course, one can't be too careful nowadays and that is where you come 
in, my... heh heh... royal tasters."  Dr. Clayton Forrester flashed an evil 
grin from the viewscreen.  

     "Your taste is in your mouth!"  Tom retorted.

     "Why thank you.  Now shut yer trap and make with the invention, 
Caprice!"  Dr. Forrester snapped.    

     Joel grabbed a nearby rope and gently pulled in what appeared to be 
a gasoline pump riding on a dolly.  "Well sirs, this invention is for people 
who are plain fed up with gas prices being higher than David Crosby.  I 
call it the Gasolino Casino!  It gives all motorists, for richer or poorer, a 
fair shake at getting a better deal for gas and occasionally a free car wash.  
Can you zoom in here a bit, Cambot?"  

     Cambot zoomed closer to the gas pump to reveal the numbers had 
been replaced by card suits.  Below them were slots to insert paper 
money or plastic cards and finally a lever with a round tip attached to the 
side of the machine.     

     "All you do is choose how much gas you want..."  Joel inserted a ten 
dollar bill into one of the slots.   "And give this a pull...."  As Joel yanked 
the lever down, the card suits spun around with various electronic 
blooping and bleeping before abruptly stopping to show three hearts and 
two diamonds.  

     "Full house!  That means I get a full tank of gas for my ten dollars!  
All right!"  Joel exclaimed before gesturing at the robots.  "Care to try 
your luck, gents?"

     "I'm just gonna assume by 'gents' you meant people with working 
limbs."  Crow replied as he stepped up to the machine while Tom 
sputtered indignantly.   After inserting a twenty dollar bill, he pulled the 
lever.  "Come on, Luck be a lady, be a lady, be a lady...!  Ooh, let's see... 
A spade, a club, a blank, a diamond, and a Joker.  Uh, what's that get me?"

     "No gas, a king's size Snickers bar and about a $1.25 in change.  Sorry, 
Crow.  Them's the breaks."  Joel replied.

     "What the hell?  $8.75 for a king-size candy bar!?" Crow exclaimed.
 
     "Well, not really, you did pay fifty cents for the privilege of pulling the 
lever..." Joel pointed out.

     "No way!  This thing is rigged!  At least comp me a free breakfast 
or... or tickets to 'Red Dwarf: The Experience'!  Pleeeeeease?"  Crow 
whined.

     "Uh, what'da think, sirs?"  Joel inquired.

*     *     *

DEEP 13

     "Joel, Joel, Joel... gas prices aren't a game, they're a stock market!  
And quite frankly I'm thrilled when they skyrocket... because then my 
gas stocks skyrocket and everybody who matters is happy."  Dr. 
Forrester sneered at the viewscreen before continuing.  "But speaking 
of fair shakes... TV's Frank!  Front and center!"

     Frank immediately snapped to attention as Dr. Forrester placed an 
arm around his shoulders, both surprising and terrifying him at once.  

     "You know, Frank, I really don't give you enough credit for what 
you've endured from me all these years.. what with the serums... the 
mutations... the depravity... oh, we have fun...."  Dr. Forrester mused, 
a wistful look in his eyes.

     "Dr. Forrester, are you coming on to me?"  Frank nervously inquired.

     "GAH?!?" Dr. Forrester immediately removed his arm from Frank as 
if it had been splashed with acid.  "N-No, Frank, I was just... never mind, 
let's just get on with it!"  Dr. Forrester shuddered violently as he hurried 
towards the vault door and assumed a serious tone of voice.  

     "TV's Frank... on behalf of myself and your fellow employees of Deep 
13... which would be myself... I hereby pronounce you... EMPLOYEE 
OF THE MONTH!"  Dr. Forrester exclaimed as Frank blinked in surprise.  
"Therefore,  I now present you with a 'special' gift for your continued 
loyal service.  Tell 'em about it, Roddy!"

     "It's a BRAND NEW CARRRRR!!!"  The voice of Rod Roddy 
abruptly boomed throughout Deep 13 as Dr. Forrester opened the vault 
door to reveal a car painted aqua marine blue.  "This Dodge Charger is 
just what the second banana needs to peel out after a rough day of 
dissection and decapitation!  It's got... doors and... windows too!  And 
of course, California emission!  Boy, I never get tired of saying that!  
Enjoy it, Frank!"

     "A-Am I on Candid Cambot?"  Frank replied, too stunned to say 
much else.

     "Nope, this is for real, booby."  Dr. Forrester replied with a smile.  
"Try the car out, I... customized it especially for you...."   

     "Frank, wait!  It's gotta be a tri...!"  Joel and the bots shouted from the 
viewscreen only to be quickly muted by Dr. Forrester via a remote control.  

     "The keys are in the ignition, Frank...."  Dr. Forrester gestured.

     Frank humbly opened the door to his new car and sat inside.  Very 
giddy now, he quickly turned the key only to suddenly yelp in pain even 
as the car roared to life.

     "How's it sound, Frank?  Enjoying that purr?"  Dr. Forrester chuckled.

     "Y-Yeah, but man, I gotta fix that ignition, it just gave me a... YIIIII!"  
Frank yelped again as he attempted to put on his seatbelt, the metal 
from the buckle giving him a nasty shock.  "How the heck did 
that... EEYEOW!!"  Frank screamed again when he attempted to turn 
on the radio.

     "You shouldn't listen to Howard Stern, Frank.  Don't you know he's 
a SHOCK jock?"  Dr. Forrester was giggling maniacally now.

     "W-W-What's going on!?  What have you... YEOUCH!  ...done to 
my car!?" Frank whined.

     "Oh, nothing much... just a little something to randomly give static 
electricity shocks whenever you manipulate any conductible part of the 
vehicle, which is pretty much EVERYTHING!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!" 

     Frank grimaced in pain as he gripped the steering wheel.  "P-Plastic!?  
You... you sick evil fiend!"

     "Now now, it's not ALL bad.  Just imagine the fun you could have on 
a date... women would *beg* to be allowed to 'touch' your stick shift.  
And four out of five elephant-humping masochists have already approved 
this fine vehicle...."

     "OW!  G-Get me... OW!  O-out of h-here... OWW!"  Frank yelped 
again as he repeatedly struggled to open the door only to get shocked 
every time.

     "Hmmm... nah."  Dr. Forrester smiled as he walked away from the 
trapped Frank and towards the viewscreen where Joel and the bots were 
making several rude gestures in his general direction.  Unfazed, he 
grabbed a fanfic off the top of the file cabinet and began feeding it into 
the console.
 
     "Continuing with today's theme of deception and unlawful 
confinement, your experiment this week reunites you with the Urusei 
Yatsura clan as they clumsily struggle through a tale that spans time, 
space and Nevada.  I would say this fic nearly drove me MAD... but that 
buggy whip rode off into the night some time ago."

     The bots continued to soundlessly yell at the viewscreen, prompting 
Dr. Forrester to finally turn the volume back on.  "...can't hear a word 
you're saying, sirs!  Mute works BOTH ways y'know!"  Joel pointed out.

     "Oh for the love of...."  Dr. Forrester muttered a curse under his 
breath.  "Look, all you need to know is that it's a Urusei Yatsura fic and 
it's... really bad!  So... so you can all just... flip, flop and fly cause I don't 
care if you DIE!"  Dr. Forrester angrily stammered before cutting off the 
transmission.

*     *     *

SATELLITE OF LOVE 

     "Well, that's it.  He's definitely off my Christmas list."  Tom remarked.

     "Not even a paperweight?"  Crow inquired.

     "I tell ya, at this point, he'll really have to earn it."  Tom replied as 
alarms wailed and multicolored lights flashed.  

     "OHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!"  Joel cried out.


(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob.  Before you can do anything, it's
yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.)

(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator.  Both sets of doors open for you
as you pass through.)

(Door 4: It's made of dominoes.  You tip the lead one over and watch as
the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you step over it.)

(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys.  You cuddle them for awhile
before proceeding.)

(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a
drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground.  You cross it cautiously,
looking for moat monsters.)

(Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex.  Suddenly a large hand reaches out
of its center and pulls you inside.)


     Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.  Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.


Tom: OK, quick refresher course on Urusei Yatsura.  And since the 
cast list rivals the Simpsons, we'll focus on the main players.  Ataru 
Moroboshi, a lecherous teenage boy that chases any and all women 
despite being somewhat married to....

Crow: Lum Invader, a hot Oni alien babe that discharges electricity 
when she's excited... and when she's angry... and when she's sleeping... 
and...

Joel: I think we get the point, Crow.

Crow: Sorry.  Anyway, Lum loves Ataru but he keeps running away to 
chase girls and Ataru loves Lum even though she's lit him up with enough 
voltage over the years to power Las Vegas.    

Tom: There's also Mendo the spoiled uber-rich kid, Ten the fire-breathing 
oni baby, Sakura the busty no-nonsense Shinto Priestess, her uncle Cherry,
monk/annoying pest, and Shinobu, Ataru's ex-girlfriend and desk thrower 
extraordinaire.

Joel: And how much of this characterization do you think will actually 
be used in the fanfic?

Crow: If we're lucky... 20% tops.


MY KID'S AN ALIEN!

     
Tom: Starring Rick Moranis in yet ANOTHER Disney cheapie.


-An "Urusei Yatsura" Fanfic by Andrew D. Johnson (androo@cox.net)


Crow: Think he gets a lot of penile enhancement spams? 


The characters of "Urusei Yatsura" are the property of Rumiko 
Takahashi. But I'm not gonna make any money off this story, so 
what're you gonna do about it?


Joel: Make money from turning in the bounty?


On Christmas Day, Ataru Moroboshi finally pledged his love to Lum 
the alien girl, and proposed to her. 


Tom: Then the ravages of old age finally took him from our world.


So that night, Lum gave him a "reward". Ataru, as you might expect, 
had a copy of the "Kama Sutra" in his room, and the two tried just 
about everything. 


Joel: They tried placing the book in the shelf, on top of Ataru's 
nightstand, and even under the bed.


Boy, Lum was sure excellent in the sack. He sorely regretted how he 
had tried to reject her advances all this time; since she was truly the 
best thing ever to happen to him. And now that they were finally 
destined to be husband and wife, both went all the way, without any 
protection. 


Tom: Ah, death by lethal injection.

Crow: <Ataru> Thi-i-i-ssss rem-m-minds meeeee of peeing on-on-on the 
JR tra-a-a-cks!  Y-E-E-E-O-W-W-W!!!


Of course, such actions always have the inevitable consequence.


Tom: Detective Stabler soon had Ataru against the wall as Lum 
cried in the background.


A week later, on New Year's morning, Ataru woke up and walked 
toward the bathroom, only to find the door closed and locked. "Don't 
come in, Darling," Lum's voice sounded, groggily. "BARRFFF!" 


Joel: <Ataru> One too many Margaritas, dear?

Crow: <Lum> Mysterious magical cocktail, my... BARRFFF!


Ataru's heart nearly exploded. Lum was sick, and it was morning, so 
could that mean.? Oh no. 


Tom: Two seconds later, the resulting sonic boom from Ataru fleeing 
shattered every window within a ten block radius.


"Uhh," he stammered, "I guess you don't want any breakfast, then," he 
called to her. "Do you want to see a doctor?" "Not right now, Darling," 
Lum answered, flushing the toilet and emerging. "In fact, I'm really 
hungry right now! You know what I could go for? Some pizza and ice 
cream!" Ataru turned green, ran for the toilet, and began puking his 
guts out.


Crow: <Lum> You're pregnant too!?  Oh no!

Tom: I'm just curious who would be more interested in the breast 
feeding.


Later that day, Lum went to the drugstore and picked up a home 
pregnancy test. Sure enough, the water was blue. 


Joel: Well at least we know the cashier's pregnant.


When Lum made the distressing news official, the two burst into tears 
and buried their faces in each others' shoulders. 


Crow: <Lum, sobbing> I'm going to get fat!   

Tom: <Ataru, sobbing> You're going to get fat!


"Oh God, Darling, what was I thinking?" she sobbed. "Well," Ataru 
encouraged her, "the baby isn't due for another 9 months. We can get 
married before then." "Well actually, Darling," Lum responded, "w-we.
have about.a month." 


Joel: <Lum> It's too late in the season, we can't stretch it any longer!

Tom: <Ataru> Can't we just do another OVA?


Ataru fainted. "A month! I thought Oni babies were born more 
developed than humans! I mean, look at Ten, for crying out loud!" 


Tom: Ataru's extremely mouthy when he's unconscious.


At this very moment, Ten, who had previously been out girl-chasing, 
flew in. "Oni babies, eh? Talking about me?" 


Crow: <Ten> I was just macking on Skeeter.  What's up?


"Uh, heh-heh," stammered Ataru embarrassedly, "yeah. Lum was 
wondering how we should potty-train you." "Don't be stupid," the 
alien toddler shot back. "You guys have been going at it like rabbits 
just released from prison for the past week." 


Joel: Mr. MacGregor's carrot patch is a three-to-five term!


An evil grin sprouted across his face. "And I've been watching you the 
whole time through a crack in the closet door. 


Tom: <Ataru> Lucky thing your mind was already warped, huh?

Crow: <Ten> Mother... is that you, mother?


You're pregnant, aren't you, Lum- chan?" Lum burst into tears and 
embraced her young cousin. "Yes, Ten-chan. I was so stupid! Now 
we're going to have to get married sometime in the next month." 


Joel: Whatever happened to doing your own time for your own crime?

Crow: <Ten> Sweeeeet.  Shall we honeymoon in Texas or Florida?


Ataru braced himself for an assault of flames. But Ten didn't breathe 
fire on him. 


Tom: <Ten> Taste the poison of my carbon dioxide!  BWAHAHAHA!  


"A-aren't you mad at me for.knocking your cousin up?" he asked. "Hell 
no!" Ten answered. "Now I'll have another cousin to play and go 
girl-chasing with! I finally have a guy my own age to hang out with, 
instead of you and your idiot Earthling friends!" 


Crow: Unless, of course, it happens to be a mini-Lum.

Tom: Wouldn't it be divine retribution for Ataru to have a little girl 
whose purity he'd have to protect?


Suddenly Ataru realized this might not be half bad. "How do you know 
it won't be a girl, Ten-chan?" asked Lum. "Well, if she is, then she can 
keep Mako busy!" 


Tom: Mako?

Crow and Joel: Polo!

Tom: Walked right into that one.


Ataru ignored him and turned to Lum. "So Lum, what do you mean the 
baby will arrive in a month?" 
"Well, Darling, not the baby itself," she began. "You see, Onis hatch 
>from eggs. After I.um, lay the egg, it'll be about nine months before the 
baby emerges." 


Joel: <Ataru> Hmm, who came first, the egg or the oni?

Tom: <Lum> I think we BOTH know who came first, darling.


Ataru collapsed and just stared at the ceiling for a bit. Was this really 
happening? Had he really slept with an alien girl and was his offspring 
really going to hatch from an egg like a bird? 


Crow: And from such humble beginnings we find... Chicken Boo!


The thought caused him to giggle. Before long, he broke out laughing, 
and lay there thrashing with mirth. "No, ho ho ho ho!" he guffawed. 
"It can't be true! It's just too insay-hay-hay-hay-hane! Wa ha ha ha ha 
haaaaaaa!" 


Joel: <Ataru> My wife's laying eggs and I'M the one ready for the funny 
farm!

Crow: Ataru's excited, he's found the Chicken of Tomorrow.



"Darling!" Lum yelled, grabbing him and shocking him back to his 
senses. 
 

Tom: Does Lum have UL and FDA approval?

Crow: Doubtful.


"Like it or not, this is just the way things are now, and we have to take 
the present and make the best of it." She smiled lovingly at her Earthling 
beau. 


Tom: I've often wondered how Gloria Swanson would play Lum. 

Joel: <Lum> It's not the age, dahling, it's the mileage.


"I always wanted us to have a baby from the day we met. We-we'll just 
have to get married a little sooner than we would've expected. I just 
don't know how we'll break the news to everybody, though."


Crow: <Ataru> How about semaphore flags... from high earth orbit... with 
an armed interplanetary escort?


"Hey, what's all that ruckus?" inquired Ataru's mom, peering into her 
son's room. It didn't take long for her to find the take-home pregnancy 
test on the floor, with Lum holding a test tube filled with blue water. 


Crow: <Mrs. Moroboshi> Wait, don't tell me... she blinded you with 
science?

Tom: <Ten> SCIENCE!


"Lum," she croaked in a voice that wasn't hers. "You're preg.." Before 
she could finish the sentence, the color drained from her face and she 
collapsed in the hallway. 


Joel: <Lum> OK, that's one down.  Who's next?


"Honey," asked Ataru's dad, who had been coming up the stairs when 
he saw her faint. "Are you all AUGHHHHH!!!" 


Crow: <Mrs. Moroboshi> Do I *look* all AUGHHHH?!?


He sank to his knees and began crying. "Oh Kami-sama, how could you 
do this to me? I've still got three mortgages to pay! How could you let 
my idiot son father a child? WHYYYY???" 


Joel: That's your cue, Cherry.

Crow: <Mr. Moroboshi> How the hell am I going to shoehorn a mid-life 
crisis in NOW?


"Look, Mr. Moroboshi," Lum told him, "it was my fault as well. I-I was 
as eager as Darling, and now.I'm gonna be a teenage mother!" She 
broke down crying again. "W-we'll get married in the cheapest way 
possible. 


Tom: <Lum> I'll dress up like Britney Spears, Darling will wear a 
loincloth, we'll get an annulment twenty-four hours later...


Like maybe we'll go to Beppu." Beppu is a hot-springs resort on the 
southern Japanese island of Kyushu, known for Las Vegas-style nightlife, 
a low morality level, and quickie marriage chapels. 


Crow: <Lum> Wow, Author, you're well-informed.  Any unauthorized 
images of me floating around your hard drive as well?


Ataru's dad had stopped crying, and just sat there as if he were 
shell-shocked. "Three mortgages.my son's an illegitimate father.I hate 
my life."


Crow: <Mr. Moroboshi> Cripes... no wonder I failed Haiku.

Joel: <Ataru> Don't worry Dad, we can always pimp Lum out to Mendo 
when the baby arrives.


"WHAAAT!!!!" shrieked Shinobu. "Y-you knocked Lum up?" Ataru 
nodded with a look on his face like that of a puppy caught in the act of 
chewing up an expensive dress. 


Tom: <Ataru> *whinnnnnne*


"You scumbag JERK!!! When are you gonna get it through your thick 
skull that you can't just go around like a freaking tomcat? How are 
you gonna pay to support your kid? You don't any kind of job, you." 
"All right already!" Ataru huffed. 


Tom: <Ataru> The hell are we, "Real World: Tokyo"?

Joel: <Ataru> "Prince of Oniboshi" isn't sufficient enough for a loaf 
of bread?


"I realize I made a mistake! Just don't tell anyone, okay? Lum and I will 
break the news to Mendo and Ran. Ever since Ran started going out 
with Rei, she's somewhat laid off her plans to get revenge on Lum." 
Shinobu glared at him coldly. "Why shouldn't I? The public humiliation 
would be fitting." 


Crow: This is Ataru Moroboshi you're talking about.  It's not like there's 
much left to humiliate.


"See that tree there?" Lum asked Shinobu sternly. She pointed her 
finger at it and sent a jagged lightning bolt to it. It promptly exploded, 
sending the students congregating around it scattering. She then turned 
back to Shinobu, grinning wickedly. 


Tom: Then she rolled her eyes back into her head as the 'Graveyard 
Symphony' played in the background.

Crow: <Lum> REST... IN... PEACE.


"So I'd keep my mouth shut if I were you, t'cha." "My lips are sealed," 
Shinobu answered, backing away with a face of chalk.


Joel: Shinobu Miyake IS Eraserhead!


Ran acted snotty and bitchy about the news at first, but for once turned 
pleasant and understanding about the issue. 


Tom: ...once Lum threatened to nail her inside a casket.


It seemed she and Lum had finally gotten their bad blood out of the way, 


Tom: Nope, not till this Sunday... ON PAY-PER-VIEW!

Joel: <chuckling> Okay, Tom.


probably because Rei was dating her now.  Mendo, however, had a 
reaction similar to Shinobu. 


Crow: Before or after she wet 'em?


"Ha! It figures that a loathsome lech like yourself would conceive a 
child in sin! Just wait until I tell my father the news! He's a personal 
acquaintance of Ted Turner and Bill Gates themselves! 


Joel: <Ataru> Hey yeah, they have money!  Ask if one of them's willing 
to sponsor my alien baby!


I can see the headlines now: 'Japanese Boy Conceives Child with Alien!' 
Space Girl Expecting Half-Human Child!' The British tabloids will 
have a field day!" 


Tom: Nah, the British tabloids are still wondering why Charles killed the 
princess to marry the frog.


Lum smiled at him. "I'll give you a reward if you don't." "Ha! Remember 
how rich I am, Lum-chan! No amount of money you give me will be 
enough to keep me quiet!" "Then how about a non-monetary reward, 
t'cha?" she drawled, giving him a full-on French kiss. 


Crow: <Shinobu> Aww man, Lum tonguing me would have bought my 
silence too!


"Gaa!" he gasped. "I-I'm sorry, Lum-chan, but I still must refuse." 
"Then how about I kiss you?" Ran responded. She had been standing 
nearby. After saying that she held up a potted flower and kissed it. The 
flower suddenly wilted, turned dry and brittle, and sank to the bottom 
of the pot. Mendo moved backward a bit. "D-don't worry about a 
thing, Lum-chan. Your secret will be safe with just us."


Joel: Looks like that kiss wilted more than just the flower.


After a hectic week, Lum picked out a nice wedding dress, Ataru rented 
a tux, the invitations were sent out, 


Crow: Lum Frenched thirty-seven more people into silence....


and everyone headed down to Beppu for the long-awaited day. Invited 
as witnesses were Shinobu, Inaba, Mendo, Asuka, Lum's parents, 
Ataru's parents, Ran, Benten, Oyuki, Sakura, Tsubame, and Cherry. 


Joel: I see Detective Briscoe's suspect list will be long and varied.


Normally inviting Cherry would have been out of the question, but he 
would have mysteriously tagged along somehow and popped up at the 
most inappropriate of times if they hadn't. 


Tom: Like during the honeymoon?


As it was a quickie wedding chapel, the only music in there was from a 
tinny keyboard with the Wedding March being played by a frumpy old 
lady. The justice of the peace looked more like a used car salesman 
than a man of the cloth.


Joel: Man, that Al Swindler guy gets around.

Crow: <Priest> Wow, boy, I trust that model's not a lemon?


"Oh Darling, it may not be quite what I pictured, but I'm just so glad 
we're finally getting married," Lum cooed, gleefully clutching her man's 
arm. "Yeah," Ataru added, feeling an unexpected surge of excitement. 


Tom: <Ataru> Holy Matrimony, Batman!

Joel: Hey, is it my imagination or is the flower girl spreading shredded 
horse racing bet tickets?


He was really going to be tied down now, and lose all his flirting 
privileges, yet he didn't mind. 


Tom: <Ataru> Can't beat good old monogamous S&M!


Even though the bulge of the coming baby was starting to show, Lum 
still seemed like the prettiest girl in the universe. 


Crow: <Ataru> Fat chicks CAN be beautiful!  Who'da thunk it!?

Tom: Until Lum eats Ataru to provide extra protein to the growing 
chrysalis.


He was also relieved that Lum's father hadn't murdered him after the 
news about his daughter's pregnancy came; in fact he was proud to 
finally be a grandfather, and besides, they had already been engaged for 
about two years now. 


Crow: <Lum> Darling, when are you going to break your engagement 
to my dad and marry ME!?

Joel: <Ataru> Hey, I told you, these things take time!


"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to bring together in holy 
matrimony Ataru Moroboshi and Rumiko Invader!" Lum giggled. 
"Umm, my name's Lum, not Rumiko." "But Lum is short for Rumiko, 
isn't it?" 


Joel: <Lum> Actually, it's short for Hernia.  Lumbar Hernia.


"Actually," Lum corrected. "Lum is an Urusian name. It's short for
Lumyadadshkotyrurowopucosuawoxroewohghaoyryyroeyey." 


Crow: The author finally fainted from the implausibility.


"Just call me Lum, t'cha." "Uhh, okay," answered the justice. "Ahem, do 
you, Ataru Moroboshi, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded 
wife?" Ataru felt as if time had stopped. 


Tom: <Temple Fugate> Good afternoon, Ataru.  I trust I've arrived at a 
most opportune moment?


He was going to be Lum's husband. That meant no girl-chasing, no 
flirting, no. Then he looked over and saw her perky blue eyes, ditzy 
smile, and.curves despite her flowing white wedding gown. "I do!" he 
announced. 


Crow: Boobies, the deciding factor in many a hasty marriage.


A golden light of joy flashed in Lum's eyes. "And do you, Lum Invader, 
take this man to be your lawfully wedded hus-" "I do, t'cha!" she 
joyously cheered. She looked as if she would burst with pleasure. 


Tom: Nah, that's just the facehugger... wait for it....


"Then by the power vested in me, I hereby pronounce you man and 
wife!" announced the justice. "Here's 50 yen worth of chips at 
Wishiwashi's Casino, home of the loosest slots this side of Las Vegas! 
You may kiss the bride." The two embraced each other tightly and 
kissed passionately. 


Crow: One hour later, broke and desperate, Lum would also be home to 
the loosest slot.


"Ow! Hey, no frenching, honey!" Ataru told his new bride. "Remember 
you have fangs." "Sorry, Darling," Lum answered. Everyone in the 
audience cheered, partly out of congratulations for the couple, partly 
because the women now knew that Ataru wouldn't be chasing them 
anymore. 


Joel: They took residence in denial and pay their rent dutifully.


But over the tinny version of the Wedding March being played on a 
keyboard, Ran, seated near the back, heard something. It was almost 
like an earthquake, but the ground wasn't shaking. Along with was 
something sounding like.voices. 


All: <gang of four> LUUUUUMMMMM-SAAAAANNNNN!!!


She tried to warn her childhood friend as she came waltzing down the 
aisle with her new husband, but as always, Lum refused to listen. 


Crow: <Ran> And the narrator called ME snotty and bitchy?  Hmph!


They opened the door, and stopped short. Just about every reporter on 
the planet was there, snapping cameras in their faces, and chattering 
questions. They all came at such a rapid- fire pace that Ataru couldn't 
actually discern any of their content, but he thought he could pick up 
such words and phrases as, "alien", "pregnant", "child", "what was it 
like?", and "baby". 


Tom: <reporter> Moroboshi!  If it's a girl, how long before you 
start chasing her?

Crow: <Ataru> As soon as she craps her pants and runs away 
screaming.  Next question?

Joel: <Reporter> Bottle or breast?

Crow: <Ataru> I'd like both, please!  Next question!


"All right!" Ataru bellowed to the equally stunned audience. "Who here 
told the media?" Ataru's father grinned embarassedly at him. "Heh heh, 
well.I'm sorry, son! We need the money, especially you, now that 
you're going to be a father!"


Tom: <Mr. Moroboshi>: Ladies and gentlemen of the press, meet the 
parents!  Then, once you're done, turn your attention to the Fockers!

Crow: <Ataru> Dad!


Both his son and new daughter-in-law were now rather pissed.  "You 
dirty traitor!" both growled, rushing at him. But before they could 
reach him. "Pardon me, son. U.S. State Department," stated a man 
dressed completely in a dark suit, with black glasses, revealing a 
wallet with his ID card. 


Crow: <Ataru> Gah!?  Where'd he come from!?

Joel: <Cherry> That round eyed devil stole my shtick!


"We've received word that extraterrestrials have landed in this vicinity." 
"Y-y-yes sir," Lum answered.  "I'm an alien from Planet Uru. Those 
there are my parents, and those are my friends, all also from Planet 
Uru." "Madam, you're going to have to come with us for testing and 
quarantine of any possible alien diseases. Same with your parents and 
friends." 


Tom: <Lum> Uh-huh.  Did you feed this line of bullshit to E.T. 
too?

Crow: So we've taken a hard right turn into "Andromeda Strain", eh?


"Whaaaat?" gasped Ataru as dark-suited American government agents 
flooded into the chapel and seized Lum and all her friends and parents. 
"Hey! She's my wife! You can't do this to herrrrrrr!" "DARLING!! 
DARLING!! HELLLLLLLLP!!!!" Lum screamed, tears streaming 
down her face as two burly agents tried to carry her off to a truck. 


Tom: Don't worry, Lum.  Stan Smith's just trying to get his son some 
booty.


"Why you son of a." Ataru tried to rush after them, but was seized by 
two other agents, who held him tight. Lum then turned to the defensive, 
as one would expect. She started spewing electric sparks and biting with 
her sharp fangs. Unfortunately this only made things worse for her 
situation. 


Joel: I'm still trying to figure out how the hell the US got powerful 
enough to carry out raids in sovereign countries.


"She's dangerous, men! Try to restrain her!" More people rushed out of 
the chaos, wrapped her in a straitjacket, and shot her full of tranquilizer. 
Before long, the poor Oni girl was subdued, and loaded into the truck 
with the rest. 


Tom: The author harvests more readers for future fanfics.


"NOOOOOOOO!!!!" Ataru howled. 


Joel: This is no time to mock James Earl Jones, Ataru!


He then bent down and burst into tears. Shinobu made her way through 
the melee, punching a few annoying journalists out of the way to 
comfort him. "Oh God, Ataru, how can they do this to you?" she 
sighed. "And on your wedding day, no less?" And also just when he was 
learning to get over his lechery, she thought. 


Joel: <Shinobu> It's just so cruel and... are you rubbing my butt?

Crow: <Ataru> I need comforting.


Meanwhile, angry eyes had turned to Ataru's dad. 


Tom: Give 'em hell, Mr. Potato Head!


"How could you do this without asking me first?" snapped his mom. 
"Who knows what they could do to her? A real alien autopsy, perhaps? 
And while she's pregnant, too, with our grandchild!" 


Crow: <Mr. Moroboshi> You're right!  I'd better call Jonathan Frakes, 
he'll want in on this too!


"Honey, you just look over there at your son and tell me if it's worth all 
that money," his mom scolded, pointing to Ataru sobbing in the arms 
of Shinobu, while Mendo, Sakura, Asuka, and Cherry all tried to field 
questions from the media sharks. 


Joel: <Mendo> No, I won't be available to testify against Chief Brody.

Tom: <Karl Rove> Please be informed, Cherry has issued a blanket 
statement... "It is fate, no further comment".


Just then, another large suited man in glasses came up to Ataru. "Son, 
are you the boy who was marrying an alien?" "Yes," Ataru blurted. 
"until you guys abducted her." "Well then, I'd like you to come with 
me."


Joel: This is what happens when Cancerman goes on a bender.
 
Crow: Tommy Lee Jones' gonna flash his brains and then go on a 
six-state hunt for Ataru.


"A-a-are you another American government agent?" "No, I'm an 
American network executive. 


Tom: <Executive> Duh, Mista Funt says youse needs to sign these here 
release papers or else!


You're story sounds excellent for 'The Jeremy Spangler Show', a very 
popular daytime 'talk' show in America. We'd like you to appear on it." 


Joel: <Ataru> But I have a prior commitment to Howie Tern!


"No! I've already undergone enough humiliation!" he shouted. The man's 
face turned grim. "No one goes against the will of American television," 
he darkly told Ataru. 


Crow: <man> American TV is ALL-POWERFUL!  If we brainwashed 
a nation with "Everybody Loves Raymond", we can take on the likes of 
you!


He then thrust a rag around Ataru's mouth and nose. The rag smelled 
strongly of some kind of chemical. 


Tom: The CIA likes to refer to this as "enforced acceptance".


He could hear his friends and parents protesting for a bit, then the world 
seemed to grow darker and sound faded around him. Just before he 
lost conciousness, Ataru realized that he'd just been chloroformed. 


Crow: Really?  At this point, I thought he'd been Punk'd.


My Kid's an Alien! Part 2-An "Urusei Yatsura" fanfiction


Joel: <Ataru> Yob, Yob, where's my baby?!?


Based on Characters by Rumiko Takahashi Directed by Andrew D. 
"Spielberg of Generation X" Johnson 


Crow: <author> All guns in my story will be replaced by walkie talkies.


Produced by The Voices in My Head 
Starring Butthead as Ataru Moroboshi 


Joel: And Beavis as Cherry the Monk.

Tom: <Cherry> I am the Great Cornholio!  I need fate for my bunghole!


Carmen Electra as Lum 


Crow: No pun intended.


Calvin's Parents from "Calvin and Hobbes" as Ataru's Parents 
Wendy Testaberger from "South Park" as Shinobu Miyake 


Tom: So we're up to one vulgar colorform, one jagged line, two 
caricatures of suburbia, and one woman... it IS clear who is writing 
this....


Reggie from "Archie" as Shutaro Mendo 
Winona Ryder as Ran 
Milhouse Van Houten as Megane 


Joel: Someone must've drained the Japanese actor pool for the winter.


Boomhauer from "King of the Hill" as U.S. President George "Dubya" 
Bush 
Osama bin Laden as Atty. Gen. John Ashcroft 
The General Sherman sequoia tree as one of the Government Agents 


Tom: <G-Man> If I was a tree, what kind of tree would I be?

Crow: Is the role of General Indifference still up for grabs?


The Clone Army from "Attack of the Clones" as the entire CIA and FBI


All: <Clone Army, singing> Another one of me's always hangin' around...


Bender from "Futurama" as the Guy in Charge of Area 51 


Tom: <Bender> Oh wait, you're serious.  Let me laugh even harder.


Geraldo Rivera as Jeremy Spangler 


Joel: All the people you've hijacked and you're worried about getting 
sued by JERRY SPRINGER??


Barbara Walters as Ten


Crow: Ooooo-kay, this is just getting creepy now.


Music by Some Japanese Women I Found in a Karaoke Bar (hey, I was 
working on shoestring budget here! I can't afford Megumi Hayashibara 
or Kikuko Inoue!) 


Joel: So THAT's what happened to Pink Lady!


Special Effects by Industrial Lum and Manga, Pennassagunk, New 
Jersey
Sound by 1138 Sound Systems, Rancho del Lucas, California
Stunt-Doubles: Anyone willing
Catering Provided by the Happy Sumo Sushi Restaurant of 
Springfield, ???


Crow: Okay, author, you're only one person.  Stop before you get to 
the second unit, PLEASE.


No Onis or any other species of alien were harmed in any way in the 
making of this story. Some did die, but peacefully and with very little 
pain.


Tom: Like most of the poor brain cells in the frontal lobe region.

Joel: So are we reading the very first snuff fanfic ever?


"Weirdness! Wildness! These are people with more problems than you 
could ever imagine! 


Tom: Fanfic authors, the untamed plague!  Tonight on Dateline NBC!


All tonight on the Jeremy Spangler Show! Tonight's guest is a teenager 
>from Japan named Ataru Moroboshi! He's got a domestic problem 
that's out of this world.out of this galaxy in fact! 


Crow: <Jeremy Spangler> Where'd you say your genital crabs came 
from again?


He actually impregnated, and just yesterday married.a real live space 
alien! So let's meet our guest on today's edition: 'My Wife and Kid are 
Aliens'!" The boisterous crowd in the audience was cheering as a 
groggy Ataru was led onstage, still recovering from the chloroform. 


Joel: It didn't help that he ended up in Chicago.

Tom: <audience> Jer-e-my!  Jer-e-my! ...Wait, we're being easily 
led!  Hey!!


"Ughh." he groaned. "Whuzz happening?" "Just let me do the talking," a 
Japanese interpreter told him. He helped Ataru to a chair where he sat 
down in front of a crowd of barely civilized American white trash, some 
cheering, some booing. He simply couldn't decide what to think. 


Joel: So THAT's what happened to Jeff!


And where was Lum? And his parents? And all the rest of the gang? In 
short, what the hell was going on here? The last thing he remembered 
was tussling with the media and government agents in front of the 
chapel. 


Tom: Thank heaven he ended up on Spangler today, on tomorrow's show 
they're going to try to replicate spontaneous human combustion.

Crow: I'm sure Ten will be glad to help if it doesn't take.


"So Ataru," asked an ordinary-looking American man sitting on a chair 
to his left, with curly hair and glasses "how does it feel to be the father 
of an alien being? Do you and your wife get along well?" 


Crow: How come "Jeremy Spangler" hired the 80s version of Weird Al 
Yankovic to interview?

Joel: <Weird Al Yankovic> Ataru... Ataru's kind of a stupid name, do 
you mind if I call you... BOB?


"Wait," Ataru said in Japanese. "Could you tell me what the hell is going 
on here? Where are all my friends? Where's my wife, for crying out 
loud?" The Japanese interpreter said in English, "He says, 'What the 
hell am I doing here? I've got a hangover, so I can't tell where I am! And 
where's my wife? I wanna smack that bitch-ho around for forgetting to 
take her pill or get an abortion!'" 


Tom: Between American Television's shock troops and this travesty, when 
did the FCC get whacked?


The crowd thunderously booed. "Hey!" he gasped, not sure of what was 
going on. English was never his strongest subject. Actually, he wasn't 
that strong in any of his school subjects, but that's another story. 


Crow: Great, let's switch to THAT one instead!


"What did you just tell them?" he asked the Japanese interpreter. "Why 
are they booing at me?" "He says, 'Don't talk so loud! I'm still coming 
down! Oh God, I need a fix bad!'" The crowd howled like a cageful of 
rabid beasts. 


Joel: Bill Murray is Ataru in "Lost with Mistranslation."


Jeremy spoke up. "Tsk, tsk. This obviously isn't the way to run a family. 
Now, what say we invite Ataru's wife onstage now. Here's the alien 
herself, Princess Lum of Planet Uru!" 
The crowd erupted in cheers as a stage hand led a lady onstage that was 
obviously not Lum. She was a grotesquely obese American earth lady, 
with mountainous bun hairdo dyed green, and fake horns. She was also 
clad in a tiger-striped bikini, but this lady was about ten sizes too large. 
Her thighs, gut, and breasts were like flowing lava, and her face put 
him in mind of Patsy from "Absolutely Fabulous". 


Tom: Well, I just lost my will to live.  Anyone else?

Joel: Renee Zellweger just can't turn down any challenge, can she?


She wasn't just over the hill, she was a pinprick on the horizon. She 
began fake-crying as soon as the cameras were focused on her. "Ever 
since we started datin'," she sobbed in a Texas accent that sounded 
remarkably like Luanne from "King of the Hill", "Ah bin tryin' to give 
Darlin' here all my lovin'! Ah jes' do all Ah can keep him happy! But 
lately he's bin getting drunk all the tahm an' tellin' me Ah'm fat an' ugly, 
an', an'.Now he's bin slappin' me aroun' cuz Ah'm pregnant with his 
baby! He wonts me t' git an abortion, but Ah cain't git an abortion cuz 
Ah love Jesus an'." 


Crow: This is almost as fun as hearing Kevin Costner butcher a 
Louisiana accent.


"Hey, wait just a damn minute here!" Ataru exploded. "That's not Lum! 
What the hell have you done with her? Why am I here?" The annoying 
Japanese interpreter "translated", "He says, 'You fat alien bitch! I'll tell 
you why I hate your guts! You're a stupid American trailer-trash ho who 
forgot to take her pills! You can sleep in the flatbed of my pickup 
tonight! And if you don't get an abortion, I'm gonna dump you like the 
fat piece of s(bleep) you are!" 


Joel: Hey Mendo, they might get wise to your "translation" if you keep 
laughing.


The crowd screamed for Ataru's blood. 


Crow and Tom: <crowd> AB NEGATIVE!  AB NEGATIVE!

Joel: <Buffy> A whole audience?  I'm not up to this.


"Okay, now let's take this issue to the audience," Jeremy offered. A fat 
black woman wearing a purple shirt with the Venus symbol on it stood 
up. "This stupid s.o.b. is an example of how women are still being 
abused in this country! Don't that dopehead little chink know a fine lady 
when he sees one, even if she be from space? Or is he too stoned out 
of his head to know that women are mo' then just toys for boys? 
Power to da grrrls! Femme powah!" 


Crow: Okay, Star Jones, it's not nice to degrade other talk shows.

Joel: Boy, I can't wait till Ataru gets to rebut on "Dr. Pill".

Tom: Maybe then he can get a real translator instead of someone 
who stayed at a Holiday Inn Express.


Ataru couldn't understand a word, of course, but he could tell by 
everyone's tones that it couldn't be good. He put his head in his hands, 
groaned, and wished he could just die right there and then. But then he 
heard a familiar voice


Crow: <Ataru> Trish Ledoux?  I'll stick with the translator I have, thanks.


"Psst, over here." Ataru glanced over his shoulder to the backstage area. 
There, hiding under a bundle of cables and rags, was Ten-chan. "Oh my 
God, I'm actually glad to see you, Ten-chan. But what am I doing here? 
And what are you doing here?" "I'll explain later. Right now I've got a 
plan to bust you out." As the show went to a commercial break, Ten 
fluttered up and whispered in Ataru's ear.


Tom: <Ataru> Torch the whole building with hellfire?  Works for me!


Just before the show came back on, Jeremy Spangler, host of America's 
sleaziest talk show, was quietly laughing to himself. "Heh heh," he 
thought. "Jerry Springer could only get the KKK. Jenny Jones could 
only get crack whores. Sally-Jessy Raphael could only get transvestite 
lovers. Geraldo Rivera could only go to Afghanistan and see the war 
on terror up close.


Joel:  I thought Geraldo Rivera was PLAYING Jeremy Spangler in this 
fic??  Man, this is going to rip the fabric of space and time, I just know 
it....


But I on the other hand, I could get a real live pregnant space alien and 
her Japanese husband! Eat your heart out, competition!.Okay, and 
we're back on today's edition of 'The Jeremy Spangler Show'; 'My Wife 
and Kids are Aliens!' Here are our guests for today; Ataru Moroboshi, 
a Japanese teenage boy with a penchant for flirting, and his comely 
wife, Lum the alien girl!" 


Tom: We can only guess how 'comely' "Shinobu" will be when 
they bring her out next for the brawl.

Crow: <Jeremy Spangler> Reality television has NOTHING on this!


Ataru stood up. "Uh, before I begin, I've got some people I'd like you to 
meet!" He opened the stage door, and two bedraggled-looking waifs, 
a young boy and girl, ran onstage towards Jeremy and the fake "Lum". 
"Hi mommy! Hi daddy!" they shouted, joyously pouncing on "Lum"'s 
lap and hugging Jeremy's legs. 


Crow: <Spangler> Damn you kids, you're supposed to say you're from 
Melmac!  Honey, what happened to those "ALF" masks we bought them?


"Yahh!" screamed Jeremy, turning ghostly pale. "Uhh, how did you know 
about this?" "I'll tell you how, you jerk!" bellowed a tough-looking girl 
who emerged from the audience. "Aiee! Wanda, h-h-how've you been 
lately?" "So you mean to tell me you abandoned the kids? Why you." 
She advanced on him. The crowd was now booing and moving in on 
Jeremy. 


Joel: <crowd> We trusted and believed in you completely!  DIE, 
DECEIVER!!!

Tom: Did this just turn into a psychotic episode of "Fairly Oddparents"?


"Heh heh, uhh, folks, why don't we go back to the alien."


Crow: I've seen Dick Dietrich run a more competent talk show.


Meanwhile Ataru and Ten managed to slip out the stage door. "So Ten, 
how did you know those were his illegitimate kids?" Ten's eyes 
widened. "I didn't. I just went to the local orphanage and paid them to 
make an appearance." 


Tom: Gee, that was a horrid little cul-de-sac.


Ataru glanced around him. Wherever he was now, it wasn't Japan. "So, 
where exactly are we?" "Los Angeles. The American Broadcasting 
Network-ABN-abducted you to appear on that talk show." 


Crow: This is what happens when 50 Cent buys PAX.

Joel: <Ten> We'd better split before we end up as a guest spot on 
'Everybody Loves Richard'.


It was night now, but sure enough, Ataru could make out the famous 
California palm trees around the TV studio lot. He had always wanted 
to see California, just not this way. 


Tom: <Ataru> I wanted to tag along with a whiny ass video game 
prodigy and score 50,000 points on Double Dragon!


"Gee, thanks, Ten-chan. But where is everyone else? And most of all, 
where's Lum-chan?" "Psst! We're right here, Ataru-kun!" hissed 
Shinobu's voice. It was coming from a nearby alley between sound 
stages. Sure enough, hiding there behind some dumpsters were the 
whole gang-Shinobu, Mendo, Ataru's parents, Sakura, and of course 
Cherry. 


Crow: <Ataru> We're all on a studio lot?  You guys been "Truman 
Show"-ing on me ALL THESE YEARS?!?

Joel: <Ten> We like to think of it more as "Ed-TV."


"We've launched a guerrilla operation to recapture you, and then Lum 
and all the other aliens." "I spied on my dad a bit," Mendo responded. 
It seems that Lum, Ran, Oyuki, Benten, and Lum's parents are being 
held for quarantine and physical tests at Area 51, the top-secret military 
base in the state of Nevada." 


Crow: <Ataru> Hey, cool.  Loan me a fiver to spot on red?


"Then how did you escape, Ten-chan?" Ataru asked. "Well, weddings 
make me bored, so I was flying around outside. But then I saw the 
army vehicles coming, so I hid out in a dumpster." "And.seeing how it 
was my fault," Ataru's dad chimed in, "I decided the least I could do 
was help find a way to get you guys out of this." 


Tom: Hey, man, it's easy... just present yourselves to INS and get 
deported for lack of visa!


"And, even though Lum is your wife now," Mendo added, "I would 
still do anything for her. Plus, well.You're an okay guy, Moroboshi." 
"Gee, thanks, Mendo." "Just please try NOT to screw up this operation 
by checking out girls!" 


Joel: <Ataru> No problem, the airport accidentally sent my libido to 
Honolulu.


"Okay. So how did you guys get here? Did you take Mendo's private 
jet?" "No," he answered. 


Crow: <Mendo> I borrowed Wonder Woman's.  I parked it over there... 
or was it over there?


"My dad's a member of the very military- industrial complex that is 
imprisoning those girls! We had to keep this a complete secret, so we 
flew here by Japan Airlines and rented a car. Besides, we want to stay 
as inconspicuous as possible, and look like normal tourists." 


Crow: <Mendo> We tried to appeal to the Japanese government about 
the blatant seizure by America of our citizens but they were too busy 
eating sushi, watching explicit violent cartoon porn, and being short.


"We told everyone else that we were spending a couple weeks at 
Mendo's beach villa again," Shinobu added. "And I figured that these 
impetuous young Turks would need someone to keep them in line and 
keep things quiet, so I asked if I could come," Sakura said. 


Joel: <Sakura> Besides, SOMEBODY had to grab the tiny cars and 
candy shooters.


"And of course you know that wherever I go, this sakuranbo here tends 
to invite himself along." She gestured to Cherry. "Hello," he greeted. 
"I sure could go for some sashimi about now!" "We just stopped for 
dinner about an hour ago!" Sakura grumbled. "But I'm still hungry!" 
"Aren't monks supposed to fast once in a while?" Ataru scoffed. "Just 
ignore him," Sakura muttered. 


Tom: Don't go away, "The JV-Team" will be back right after 
these messages!

Joel: <Mr. T> I pity the foo' who changes that channel!


"Now, we have to get under way as soon as possible. It'll take us most 
of the day to drive up to Nevada, and we'll start Operation Uru 
tomorrow night. Shutaro here has maps of the area, and before we 
retire to our beds tonight, we can study them."


Crow: <Ataru> Hmph!  No matter where I look, I just can't find any 
dragons!


"Hey!" protested Mendo. "I thought I was the commander of this 
mission!" "No offense," responded Sakura, "but you're too young and 
impulsive. Please leave control to the refined patience and stalwart 
ways of a Shinto high priestess."


Joel: What's she gonna do, ward the slot machines?


"But my father works in the defense industry! I know all there is to 
know about troop deployment, positioning, and the art of war!


Tom: He's more Tammy Sytch than Sun Tzu...

Crow: <Mendo> Damn it, I can beat Civilization on Warlord level!


My father made me memorize the battle plans of Genghis Khan, Attila 
the Hun, William the Conqueror, Richard III, Napoleon, Otto von 
Bismark, William T. Sherman, Robert E. Lee, "Stonewall" Jackson, 
Crazy Horse, Geronimo, Theodore Roosevelt, Gen. Montgomery, 
Erwin Rommel, Gen. Tojo, Charles Nimitz, 


Tom: <Mendo> ...Pol Pot, Chiang Kai-Shek, Neville Chamberlain, 
and Reg from the Judean People's Front.


Douglas MacArthur, Dwight Eisenhower, and Norman Schwartzkopf, 
plus every major battle from Hastings to Desert Storm! Clearly I am 
the military expert, so I must be the commander!" 
"That is why you cannot be!" Sakura shot back. 


Crow: <Mendo, whiny> But I'm the very model of a modern major 
general!!


"You are still young and not fully refined, 


Joel: We'll have to store you in the cellar with the cheddar.


therefore I fear you may become overconfident and make some fatal 
mistake!" "And why are you so certain that I will? The man with the 
most military knowledge and resources must." 


Tom: Truly, this is the McLaughlin Report of fanfics.

Joel: <Mendo> Hubris?  That's my hair gel.


"Guys! Shhh!" Shinobu hissed. A police car with dome lights flashing 
had come to help quell the riot raging in the "Jeremy Spangler" sound 
stage. "I think this might be a good time to leave," Ataru reasoned. 


Crow: <Frank Drebin> There'd been a recent wave of gorgeous fashion 
models found naked and unconscious at Laundromats on the west side.  
I was just on my way to clean some shirts when the call came through....


While the cops rushed into the building in riot gear, the Tomobiki Eight 
snuck away towards the studio gates, where the guard was busy 
watching "Mork and Mindy" on TV Land.


Joel: Shouldn't he change the channel to FX showing "Hogan's Heroes" 
right about now?


Mendo had managed to pay for two suites at the Universal City 
Marriott, enough beds for all of them. 


Tom: Shortly thereafter, he called for a Pizza Hut Pizza, the receptionist 
sent up frozen Aquafina ice cubes, and they proceeded to get smashed 
on Jim Beam brand bourbon.

Crow: <Mendo> There, that oughta give us a few more days of budget.


Before they retired, Sakura announced, "Rest easy, comrades, for 
tomorrow we make our move to free Ataru's bride! Banzai!" "Rrghh!" 
growled Mendo. "I was supposed to say that!


Crow: Want some fish with that WHINE, Mendo-san?


Well! Will our heroes manage to free Lum and the rest of the crowd 
>from Planet Uru? Will their operation be a success? 


Tom: Will this turn into another General Hospital short?


Don't fail to see our next thrilling episode, "Guerrillas in the Midst", or 
"How Ataru Got His Oni Back". 


Joel: <Rocky> Now here's something we hope you'll really like... 

Crow: An intermission?

Tom: Natch.

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)

*     *     *

SATELLITE OF LOVE


     "OK, Cambot, that should about do it.  Man the wall of keyboards 
while I gather everyone together!   HEY JOEL!  TOM!  GYPSY!  I've
got something cool to show all of you!"  Crow bellowed from the bridge.

     "Uh, sorry Crow, I'm a little busy with an invention right now!"  The 
voice of Joel called back.

     "Yeah, I'm way behind on my latest underwear inventory!"  Tom's 
voice quickly added.

     "I'm delousing the ship, no time to chat." Gypsy's voice crackled over 
the loudspeaker.

     "But I worked kinda hard on it and stuff!"  Crow whined.

     "LATER!"  Three annoyed voices shouted back in unison.

     "Well!  There's ten minutes of my life I'll never get back!"  Crow left 
the bridge in a huff.  A few moments later, Cambot's head leaned into 
view as he glanced around the empty bridge and seemed to shrug before 
pulling back.  Suddenly a cheesy synth version of the MST3K Love 
Theme filled the room as credits began scrolling across the screen.


'Mystery Science Theater 6.7' Host Segment 2-A parody of the credits 
>from 'My Kid's an Alien!' Part 2

Absolutely NOT a rehash of Cave Dwellers Lucid Credit Sketch.  
Seriously, it's not even close. 

Based on Characters by Joel Hodgson  Our apologizes in advance.

Directed by Crow T. "Best There Is, Best There Was, Best There Ever 
Will Be" Robot.

Produced by The Voices in My Head which was surprising since they
usually stick to goading me into killing my family.  Hi Mom!

Starring Quentin Tarantino as Joel Robinson

Kelsey Grammar as Tom Servo
John Cleese as Crow T. Robot
Calista Flockhart as Gypsy

Gabe Kaplan as Dr. Forrester
Sephiroth from "Final Fantasy VII" as TV's Frank

"Meg Griffin from "Family Guy" as Harry Potter.
"Chris Benoit from WWE as Solid Snake.

The "Rocky" statue as Frank Stallone.

The Chanting Monks that hit themselves with boards from "Monty 
Python and the Holy Grail" as the entire body of Congress.

Cambot as it'self.

And featuring the amazing Magic Voice of Preston Manning. 

Far far too many animals were maimed, burned and had the living crap 
beaten out of them in the making of this parody.  Yes, we wanted 
complete realism and got our kicks out of it, but we're big enough to 
admit when we get carried away.  We're sorry.  We're so very sorry.


Now that we've recorded new credits, what movie should we go about 
claiming off the public domain pile?


He Jock It Made Of Steel.


Turn off your computer and go to sleep!


De Gozaru?


Fwoosh!  There, is THAT what you waiting for?  


Y'know, this ISN'T the Finding Nemo DVD!  You're not going to be 
entertained by Albert Brooks and Ellen Degeneres if you wait long 
enough!


If you're looking for a stinger, YOU'RE NOT GONNA FIND IT 
HERE!


OK, lock up before you leave then.  Keep circulating the fics.


TO BE CONTINUED IN 'MY KID'S AN ALIEN!' PT. 2....


Hiya!  I hope you're enjoying this MSTing so far!  As with my other
mutiple part MSTings, there's lots more fun and weirdness to come,
so don't skip it or you'll only be missing out on some great riffing and
skits.  ;)


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