Subject: [FFML] [C&C] Re: [Fanfic][Spamfic] Obscure Crossover Theater 1
From: Aaron Nowack
Date: 11/2/2005, 4:23 PM
To: StudioPC
CC: FFML <ffml@anifics.com>


StudioPC wrote:
Obscure Crossover Theater; Plunging the depths of fandom so you don't
have to, and besides, we're bored.

Righty-ho.

Standard C&C Disclaimer:  All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.

Episode 1

* * * *

For the most part, the American was like all the others that passed
through the customs station. Tall, brown hair and blue eyes.

'More gaijin scum,' the customs official thought as he asked the
questions and examined the papers. 'Stupid foreigners running around
polluting Japan.' However, the Gaijin did have some interesting
jewelry.

I don't think "Gaijin" should be capitalized.

A pair of rings, one on each hand, made of metal with a
strange sheen. They appeared to be a matched set, the tops made with
designs that could interlock together.

"matched set; the tops"

Unfortunately, there was nothing about the gaijn that could be used
to deny him entrance and he was waved through.

"gaijin"

Five blocks away, all hell was breaking loose.

* * * *

Mariko Nawasaki was a recent college graduate. She was athletic, had
a cute voice, and a chest that she wasn't shy about.

"She was athletic, and she had a cute voice and a chest that..."

or

"She was athletic, had a cute voice, and had a chest that..."

Which made it all the more surprising when she turned into a seven
foot tall crystal, metal, and flesh killing machine and headed for
the street, the nearest entrance to which, was seven floors down.

Lose the comma after which.

To stave off boredom and keep in shape, the Sailor Senshi had taken
up crime-fighting. Their powers, intended for fighting the mythical
and superhuman were more then a match for criminals and there were
rumors on the street that several crime lords were banking mech and
battle-suit research.

Should perhaps be "backing" rather than "banking"?


The car
hit her outstretched foot, her back hit the wall, which shattered
under the impact and they both went through.

"foot; her back"


There was a flash of light and Jupiter's jaw dropped. The man had
been replaced by a seven foot . . . well, thing. It had skin made of
bright orange rocks, large, four fingered hands, and surprisingly
human blue eyes. Dark blue pants were on it's legs, and it wore black
boots. "Stand back," it said in a deep, rough voice and backed up to
the other end of the aisle. "It's clobberin time!" The Thing roared
and charged.

*blink* That's sort of odd.

* * * *

Author's note: Way back in the 60's or 70's, there was a short lived
animated series starring The Thing. In the series, Ben Grimm was an
"Aw shucks" sort of teenager who had been given a pair of rings
created by a local scientist. When he slammed his fists together and
spoke the words, he turned into The Thing.

...ah.

With such a fascinating and well developed premise, it's hard to see
why the show didn't last longer. *Cough*

No kidding.

In the event that you revise this story, I recommend adding more with
the Ben Grimm character to it.  Ideally, in this sort of fic, the
punchline should make the reader go "Aha!  That's what all that stuff
was about!" but in this case so far as I can tell the only hint to the
identity of the crossover character is the brief mention of the rings,
and by changing that line and the end it could be about more or less any
character.  I don't know enough about this incarnation of the Thing to
offer more specific advice about what could be done, though.

-- Aaron Nowack "Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis." http://www.mimiru.net/ .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----. | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com | | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com | | Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject | `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'