Subject: [FFML] [C&C] [fanfic][Eva] Legends turn to Myth - Part 2 [draft]
From: Chester Castaneda
Date: 8/8/2005, 1:19 AM
To: loki.laufeyjarson.ffml@gmail.com
CC: ffml@anifics.com


Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, and to misquote facts and to make
errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at one point can easily be retracted on
the next, depending on how the story progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction
writing... Hell, I see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your fic? You have the
right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you can use and ignore the rest. ^_^

Nitpick: The first fragmented chapter (Part 1) looked a lot like a prologue to me. (/nitpick).

"Loki-L" <loki.laufeyjarson.ffml@gmail.com> wrote:

                    Legends turn to Myth

AN: This is the second part of my EVA story. Hopefully it will come out
without formating 

formatting

problems this time. 

That's all well and good... but this time, sad to say, you have avoidable spelling errors to fix. 

He also had forgotten that the weapons blade

Revise: weapon's blade

hands like had often seen soldiers do it.

Revise: Add 'he' in between 'like' and 'had'.

He never noticed that in the process he was cutting through the stone,
part of the floor, a few pieces of rubble, the corpse of a late litter
bearer and almost the very girl he was trying to protect. 

(sweatdrop) I have no idea if you're trying to be funny or otherwise.

Kuzco (The Emperor's New Groove): U-Huh.

Only when he held the sword in front of himself
did he notice that it was a most extraordinary weapon he had taken up in

Suggest: "...that it was the most extraordinary..."

That
his obsession had cost the live of his wife and Shinji's mother, Yui Ikari
was something that Shinji could never forgive him. 

Revise: Get rid of the 'him' word at the end of the above sentence.

And an abomination it surely was. It gleamed evilly 

Really?

Narrative Prose: Really.

Why should I take your word for it?

Narrative Prose: Well, who's telling the story?

Yeah? Who's reading it?

Narrative Prose: The sword is evil, I tell you! EVIL!

U-huh. Tell you what, show me how supposedly malevolent the sword is and then I'll decide for
myself. Then we'll call it a day.

I'm not sure that this is the best way to introduce this development. 

That's an awfully blase way to describe it. (breathes in and tries not to giggle at every mention
of the word 'evil') Just mentioning that the sword was gleaming evilly doesn't convey the feel of
evil to the reader. Try to show, rather than tell, how evil the sword is without telling the
reader emphatically that the sword is evil. Sounds really cheesy, I believe.

in the near dark that
had fallen over the city and Shinji did not dare to imagine what method
of tampering of the metal might have caused the unnatural color of the
blade. The purple stood in stark contrast with the virulently green
inlays and the purulent orange decorations near the hilt. But even more
than its sight it was the feel in his hands that filled him with abject
loathing and horror.

Shinji: The sword is evil because of its color! Everybody knows that virulently green inlays and
purulent orange decorations are symbolic hues of pure wickedness!

His relief that the girl was apparently still alive and unharmed was short
lived as he soon beheld what had become of the body of the dead litter
carrier. Where the sword had cut through the already dead man a disgusting
process had begun. The flesh that had come in contact with the blade had
turned black and rotten and the malignant effect was still expanding and
slowly consuming the entire corpse in front of Shinji's horrified eyes.

Now see, the description above shows far more effectively how scary and horrible the sword is
rather than describing its tacky orange-green decorations or declaring how 'eeeeviiil' it is.
Human interest in stories as opposed to purplish symbolic descriptions wins again!

strikes with his own sword but soon found itself on the retreat anxious

Methinks you need a comma after 'retreat' to make your sentence flow better.

Soon others like it joined the fight descending from the overcast sky,
but Shinji managed to defend himself even against their superior numbers.

As he was beating back monsters that was larger, stronger and no doubt

Revise: Change the 'was' in between 'that' and 'larger' to 'were'. Also, add a comma after
'stronger'. (i.e. "...monsters that were larger, stronger, and no doubt)

It was
rather than him using the sword to fight, the sword which was using him.

The above sentence is a car-wreck. Suggest revision, i.e. "Rather than him using the sword to
fight, it was the sword which was using him."

Not far from where Shinji was fighting Misato Katsuragi, 

Revise: Not far from where Shinji was fighting was Misato Katsuragi,

Her fortified command post was build on

Revise: 'build' to 'built' (i.e. "Her fortified command post was built on...")

top of the walkways connecting the two towers of the great drawbridge that
formed the main crossing over the central waterway of the city. 

@_@

Oh, before I forget...

I've said it before in past C&Cs, and now I'll say it again... While it's a joy to make complex
and compound sentences, there are times when they're not necessary. As a general rule of thumb,
please do keep each of your thoughts confined in just one sentence; don't jumble them all into a
sentence using semicolons, ellipses, conjunctions or whatnot. 

Also, most of the sentences in this fic are more or less run-ons, so I'd suggest you watch out for
your tendency for now on. Pinpointing each and every run-on sentence can be a bit taxing (it'll
probably make this C&C double the size of the fic, even), so I'll leave it up to you to decide
which is which. What I will do is point out the ones that can easily be pointed out, but the rest
that I'll inevitably miss is under your jurisdiction to revise or not. As a head's up, I probably
missed several run-on sentences in the beginning of the fic too.

Standing
in moving water as they were the stone towers of the bascule bridge were
one of the most defensible places against the rabid hordes attacking them
at the moment and from high up in her combat center Misato could oversee
the entire battlefield below and with short harsh shouts audible above
the general chaos in the war room she directed her subordinates to sound
horns, raise flags and send runners in rapid succession.

The above sentence is a perfect example of the narrative prose's tendency to run on. My professor
has a name for this sort of sentence. It's the "Too many thoughts in your sentence" type of
sentence. It would do for easier reading to just limit one thought per sentence. For example, that
one sentence was saying:

-Stone towers of the bascule bridge were standing in moving water.
-Stone towers of the bascule bridge were one of the most defensible places against rabid hordes.
-High up the combat center, Misato could see the entire battlefield below.
-With short and harsh shouts audible above the general chaos in the war room, Misato directed her
subordinates to sound horns, raise flags and send runners in rapid succession.

...All at the same time. And readers can get easily tired trying to get your meaning with such a
complicated monster of a sentence. This sentence reads like a paragraph, and it would be better if
it _was_ a paragraph. You have to ask yourself what's the main point of your sentence. I think the
main idea is the last one about Misato calling to her subordinates to do lots of stuff. Let's work
with that first and foremost.

In any case, we can easily cut the sentence into two, maybe three sentences for easier reading.

Suggest: describing the stone towers of the bascule bridge in a separate sentence/ in separate
sentences. If it were up to me, I'd get rid of them altogether because they're extraneous and
don't add very much to the story. Afterwards, segue the 'combat center' sentence to establish
Misato's position. _Then_ put the 'With short and harsh shouts' sentence as the last 'payoff'
sentence. And there you go... a paragraph instead of a run on.

The entire bridge was in a state of permanent change as the colorful
display of pennants and banners along its sides was constantly permutating

I don't think 'permutation' has an '-ing' equivalent. Must be because there's no such verb as
'permutate'. Permutation is simply an alternative noun for variation, and AFAIK does not have any
verb equivalent, despite the presence of 'mutate' in its word structure.

Simply put, suggest: 'varying' or other '-ion' nouns that actually have verb equivalents.

and everchanging 

ever-changing

The sound of a hundred horns and bells
added a musical accompaniment to the visual chaos.

I like the simile-metaphor thing going on in the last sentence. ^_^ I'm a sucker for those things.

Inside several attendants manning the bridge were busy pulling and pushing

Inside, several attendants manning...

They were all doing much better than even the best exercise and drills
would have let Misato hope. 

'would have let Misato hope' sounds weird, considering the implication of the phrase before it.
Suggest revision. 

military unit. The rochade-transformation

Er, what's a rochade? Inquiring minds and all that.

had been successfully
accomplished and with a thousand different changes the complicated
castling process had turned the Third Capital into a nearly impregnable
fortress.

(waxing nostalgic of Brave Starr) New Texas has something very similar to that...

The men and women in the field were reacting with speed and discipline to
the various signals she was sending out so that they almost formed one
giant unit and the weapons and traps placed all over the city artfully
hidden in seemingly normal looking buildings were taking their toll on the
invaders. 

Yet another run-on sentence. Here are its individual thoughts... re-distribute them accordingly if
you want (complete with minor grammar corrections here and there):

-The men and women in the field were reacting with speed and discipline to the various signals
Misato was sending out.
-The men and women almost formed one giant unit.
-The weapons and traps placed all over the city were artfully hidden in seemingly normal-looking
buildings.
-The weapons and traps (which was artfully hidden) were taking their toll on the invaders.

But all that counted for nothing. They were still losing against an
overwhelming force.

(facefault)

Well, so much for the heavy focus on the mostly trivial fighting force.

It meant that the last of the defenders in that area had fled or fallen to
their enemies, but it also meant that the short ranged balistae 

ballistae (unless, God forbid, it's another one of those 'yankee' vs. 'non-yankee' spelling
thingies)

"Signal sector D6 to begin bombardment of C7 and have C6 include it in its
range of fire, but keep all heavy artillery in D7 targeted southward."
Misato ordered.

Gendo: You sunk my battleship, Captain Katsuragi.

Misato: w00t! I win! (does the happy dance, wiggles her bum all over the place).

Fuyutsuki: (takes a look at Gendo's side of battleship) Your battleship never sunk, Ikari.

Gendo: (hands steepled, smirking) With Captain Katsuragi's happy dance, everybody's a winner.

"Captain," a lookout shouted for her attention pointing to something close
by. "Down at the sword plaza!"

Suggest: "...a lookout shouted for her attention, pointing..." or "...a lookout shouted for her
attention while pointing..." or "...a lookout shouted for her attention as he pointed..."

Misato tried to look down the shadows beneath the bridge. The protective
ceiling of the plaza had earlier collapsed burying their last hope beneath

Revise: ...collapsed, burying their last hope beneath...

Make better use of commas. They're your friends.

their task. At least the winged assasin 

assassin

busy in the rubble below would not
harass her light and signal towers like so many of their brethren were
doing. 

Suggest: At least the winged assassin who was busy in the rubble below would not harass her light
and signal towers like so many of his brethren.

She was not concerned about the possibility that they might unearth
the sword. Even these shadow-spawned nightmares had no hope of surviving
against the even greater horror of the sword should they be foolish
enough to release it from its stony prison.

Misato turned away from the scenes to another lieutenat

lieutenant

"Captain Katsuragi, we can't hold the eastern merchants district much
longer," Hyuga informed her breathlessly. "There are too many of them
coming at us from outside."

Hyuga: (moonlighting as an extra in fanfiction after his glory days of being part of the all-star
soccer team of Japan) Once I'm done with this shtick, we _will_ meet again, Captain Tsubasa!

The beast-men would not willingly cross
even the shallowest water but once they the ways across under their

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

I think you're missing a word at the above sentence. I also think that the missing word is in
between 'but once they' and 'the ways'. Oh yeah, and like the grammar rule says... proofread
carefully.

Hyuga hurried of to relay her orders and Misato sighed with regret.

Suggest: replacing the conjunction 'and' with 'as'.

The maneuver would flood the district and turn the appropriately designed
roads and alleys into shallow stream and canals. It would also destroy the
live-hood 

(shrug) I think you meant 'livelihood'

of many families that had their business in the district. But
Misato could not waste any thoughts one them. 

Revise: the word 'one' (in between 'thoughts' and 'them.') to 'on'

Misato couldn't waste _any_ of her thoughts on them? She just did.

"Misato!" An angry blonde women shouted storming past the guards into the

Revise:  "Misato!" an angry blonde woman shouted, storming past the guards...

Or: "Misato!" shouted an angry blonde woman as she stormed past the guards...

Misato was tempted to have her thrown out of the room by the gurads.

guards

Suggest: replacing the word 'her' in between 'have' and 'thrown' with 'the blonde woman' or 'the
woman' for clarity's sake.

But Ritsuko was not just her
friend but also her nominal superior as a fellow employee of Gendo Ikari.

Suggest: But Ritsuko was not just her friend. She was also her nominal superior as well as a
fellow employee of Gendo Ikari.

"With Rei dead and Shinji who knows where we don't have any body left to

The 'and Shinji who knows where' sounds weird. Also, they don't have 'any body' left? There are
plenty of corpses lying around! Granted, some of them may not be fresh and in good working order,
but still...

Revise: "With Rei dead and Shinji missing, we don't have anybody left to..."

wield that damned sword," She explained her reasoning. 

Revise: sword," she explained her reasoning

Suggest: Taking off 'her reasoning'. No need to tag 'her reasoning' at the end 'coz it sounds
awkward.

"If they pull it out of the stone and start cutting themselves on it
perhaps," Misato half joked. 

Suggest: Misato half-joked

"I don't believe you." Ritsuko yelled. 

"I don't believe you," Ritsuko yelled. (speech indicator)

Misato did indeed not know what had gone into making the sword, because
Ritsuko and Gendo were always so secretive about it, but she decide that

but she decided that

Instead she ordered
the mousy lieutenant Ibuki who Misato strongly suspected of having
informed Ritsuko about the sword to have the western tower's searchlight
pointed at the plaza.

(ahem) The above is a run-on sentence. Please revise. Also, remember to make use of commas more
effectively. 

show Ritsuko that it was to late

Revise 'to' into 'too'

Together with Ritsuko Misato peered outside.

You're missing yet another comma after 'Ritsuko' and before 'Misato.'

The darkness that had come with the enemy was getting worse soon their

I believe you can terminate the "...was getting worse" phrase with a period 'coz it looks to me
that it's already a complete sentence, i.e. "The darkness that had come with the enemy was getting
worse. Soon their..."

In the dim light provided by the tower she tried to make out what force
had been disobeying her orders to protect an area already deemed
unholdable. 

(wince) Er, imagine we were playing scrabble. And you formed the word 'unholdable' with your
allotted space. I'm the player who'll say: "Sorry, man... but that's not a word. That ain't in the
dictionary." 

Suggest: replace "already deemed unholdable" with "that cannot be held" or "already deemed
untouchable" or whatnot

Almost all she could see were the dark-winged assasins of the

assassins

Suddenly she was grateful that Ritsuko was with her since the women

woman

was one of the foremost experts on the blade.

She send orders to directed 

Choose: did Misato 'send orders to' or did she instead 'directed'?

gas-lamp spotlights to the illumiantion of the plaza. 

illumination

Within a short time her order was relayed and the battle scence below

scene

illuminated.

Nitpick: Repetition of illuminated. Please avoid redundancy. Suggest alternatives like elucidated
and the like.

"It is Shinji!" Misato triumphantly.

Misato triumphantly... what? 

Grammar Rule #41: In writing, it�s important to remember that dangling sentences.

He had Not only was he wielding the sword, 

Car-wreck sentence. Please revise by reading it aloud, wincing, and thinking of alternatives to
fix said car-wreck... er, sentence.

but he actualy 

actually

"I will have a row of pennants set anyway," Misato decided. "Maybe Rei is
well enough to relay the to him for us."

Yet again, you've broken Grammar Rule #38.

Missing word is (I think) 'message' or 'command' in between 'the' and 'to'.

of archers had reached a nearby highrise and was starting to rain down

high-rise

arrows on the winged ones.

Once the last of his foes had fallen Shinji just stood their cluelessly

Revise: 'their' into 'there'. Also, there's no such word as 'cluelessly. Use another word.

Sinhji 

Tiger Ali Sinhji: Yo. I Muhammad Hassan of yesteryear, but with bad english.

Revise: 'Sinhji' to 'Shinji'

The sword Shinji had decided was dangerous. It was not outright
controlling his actions but merely leading influencing his feelings.

Pick: 'leading' or 'influencing'? Perhaps both (by adding the conjunction 'and' in between the two
words).

 He
had nearly lost himself to the bloodthirst when he had fought the winged

blood thirst 

Shinji to seperate his own desires from the sword's.

separate

He had only know 

known

Shinji paused as he realized that the circle of light had stopped
following him several some time ago and he was about to step into
darkness. He looked up at the light-towers quizzically nearly blinding

Add a comma after 'quizzically'

himself in the process. Then he looked back behind him.

'looked back behind him' sounds redundant. Suggest getting rid of 'back'.

The spotlights had not just stopped moving forward they had moved a bit

Suggest: adding a semicolon after 'forward' and before 'they had moved...'

Shrugging his shoulders he decided to
follow that path instead.

Insert a comma after 'shoulders' for a better flowing read.

Paying more attention to where his illumination wanted him to Shinji made

(wince) First off, I think you need to word things a bit differently... for one thing, you should
just substitute 'illumination' into 'light'. Secondly, add a comma after 'wanted him to' because
'Shinji made...' is a different phrase/thought altogether.

place by ropes leading to the aft and fore of his vessel. He had seen
similar on ferries 

Similar what?

Suggest: filling in the blanks (i.e. He had seen similar _________ on ferries) or simply stating
"He had seen something similar on ferries..."

that were towed by them across streams, but who would
want to use it to tow a raft along a river instead of across.

The above statement is in the form of a question. As such, it should end with a question mark
instead of a period.

Or did had that been a warning not to touch the ropes.

Revise: get rid of 'did' in between 'Or' and 'had'.

There was little
else he could do here but passively wait and the light had pointed to the
side and not the center as waiting should logically be indicated.

Yet another car-wreck sentence. First off, get rid of the parts about the light. 

Suggest: "There was little else he could do but wait." Remember, brevity is wit. Don't bog down a
reader with a witless and needlessly long sentence.

Perhaps it was just the sword filling him with a need to cut things even
if they were inanimate objects, but Shinji raised so that its blade
sparkled in the light. 

Shinji raised what?

Suggest: "...but Shinji raised it so that its blade sparkled in the light."

Strongly suggest: "Perhaps it was just the sword filling him with a need to cut things... even if
they were inanimate objects. Nevertheless, Shinji opted to raise the cursed weapon, its blade
sparkling in the light." 

He held it there for a moment to make his
intentions clear when no further messages seemed to be forthcoming he
let the blade come down and cut through both ropes on the side he was
standing on at once in a mighty strike that he would not have thought
himself to be capable of before he picked up the sword.

(sigh) What a run-on. Penny Gabriev would've been proud.

Suggest: He held it there for a moment to make his intentions clear. When no further messages
came, he let the blade cut through the ropes nearest him with a mighty strike; it was a strike he
would never have thought himself capable of doing.

For a moment nothing happened and then with a lurch the raft started
moving in the other direction. First slowly and then quickly speeding up
he moved along the river.

Suggest: For a moment, nothing happened. Eventually, with an agonizing lurch the raft started
moving in the other direction. It at first coasted along slowly, quickly speeding up as it moved
along the river.

Turning around he saw the source of his motion up ahead. The ropes were
leading to a large drawbridge where presumably through a system of

I can't make heads or tails out of the latter part of this sentence. Please simplify and revise.

pulleyes 

I'd giggle, but the pulleyes are looking at me funny.

Revise: pulleys

>From the way both he and the bridge were speeding up their motion it

Add a comma after 'speeding up'. (i.e. '...speeding up, their motion it...)

Shinji quickly lay down on his raft hugging himself to the deck.

Add a comma after 'raft' (i.e. ... on his raft, hugging himself...)

Another thought occurred to him. What exactly would happen once he ran out
of rope on the other side? Being brought to a sudden full stop from the
speeds they were going did 

'they' were going?

Shinji: It's me, myself, and I! Or maybe the narrative is talking about the raft, the sword, and
me. (hugs the raft some more) He's my bestest buddy in the world! ^_^ The sword's a bitch,
though...

not seem like something that would be healthy
for the boat or for that matter for him.

A raft is not a boat, correct? So describing it as such would be erroneous, am I right? Or was
there a piece of exposition I accidentally snipped?

He needn't have bothered since a cheerfully waving guard manning the
bridge cut him loose when he passed safely underneath the bridge with
several spans of headroom above him.

(facefault) So much for that piece of exposition about Shinji's worries adding _anything_ to the
story...

Now coasting along Shinji 

Add a comma after 'Now coasting along'

Slowing down his craft 

Add a comma after 'Slowing down'.

I never really considered a raft as a 'craft'... perhaps 'vessel' would be more appropriate?

"All pond gates closed," Lieutenant Ibuki added now spying men waving red
flags on all the minor channels and waterways leading to the pond.

That sentence is confusing. The first part of the sentence was focusing on Ibuki while the later
parts were focusing on many different subjects ranging from spying men to the pond. I suggest
putting on just one focus and one thought. If you have any other focuses or thoughts, get rid of
them or put them in separate sentences to avoid making a horrid, unreadable mishmash of a
sentence.

"Launch channel is clear," the artisan added after looking over the model
one last time to make sure that there had been no change of status along
the way since he had last checked.

Suggest: "...the artisan added after looking over the model one last time. His attention to minute
details was very much needed at this point. He had to make sure that there had been no change of
status along the way since he last checked, after all."

"We need Shinji in the battle and we need him there now. This is the
fastest way to get him directly into the heart of the enemy forces. If he
can handle holding the sword he can handle a little rafting," the captain
declared categorically

Suggest: ending the sentence with a period after 'categorically' and then start a new sentence on
the proceeding phrase.

then in a louder voice she ordered. "Open sluice
gate seven and launch EVA!"

I'm merely curious, is all... What in the blue hell is a 'sluice'?

"Opening sluice gate seven," lieutenant Aoba confirmed from his console
where he was relayin that order.

relaying

"EVA-01 launced!" 

launched

The artisan backhanded the purple figure sending it madly carroming down

caroming down

(blinks) Well, whaddyaknow? There's such a word as 'caroming' after all. You learn a new thing
everyday. What does it mean, though...? ?_?

Shinji was screaming loudly and holding on for dear life as he was riding

as he rode

his raft down a series of narrow channels. He had stuck his sword into the
raft to create a handhold when he had first realized that the lake he had
been on was emptying itself and was now clinging to it as if his life
depended on it.

Uh, Shinji? It's not 'as if' your life depended on clinging to the sword. Your life depends on it
period.

But for all his terror he also felt an odd

But for all his terror, he also felt an odd

sense of security and being watched over 

As a general rule: items being enumerated must be similar in some ways, i.e. cabbages and
pickles... apples and oranges... sense and sensibility... 

...Because if the items _aren't_ similar, it just sounds wrong, i.e. We need speed and cars... You
need to type quickly and with no mistakes... a sense of security and being watched over...

Suggest: revising either of the items so that they'd become similar (i.e. 'a sense of security and
safety' or 'a sense of being protected and watched over')

as he was holding tightly onto
the unholy artefact to keep from falling overboard.

artifact

The city was whisking by left and right at speeds not normally associated
with horizontal movement and several times he almost thought he would die
when his path took a sharp turn to the side.

I realize that your style of prose naturally flows in a way that's a bit too... formal. Your
wordplay sounds a little too... ceremonial. It reads like an academic paper. In so saying, it's
like I'm reading a technical report or a conference journal when I read your fic. It doesn't feel
like I'm being told a story; it feels like I'm being taught a class. Think of it this way: would
you expect "speeds not normally associated with horizontal movement" to come from the mouth of a
friend or a prof? So basically I'm just letting you know the perceived con I see when reading this
style of prose... It doesn't read like you're telling a story. It's up to you if you prefer a more
conversational style for the sake of the reader or the style that flows naturally from you, but
this point is still of some note.

This is also of some note: smarmy and formal writing <> a great read or a great fic. 

Finally the stream he was riding left the city proper and emptied itself
into a meadow outside the city walls momentarily flooding it in the
process.

Gah. Run-on alert. Run-on alert.

Suggest: Finally, the stream he rode on left the city proper and emptied itself into a meadow just
outside the city walls, momentarily flooding it.

And a good thing that was too, for the meadow had up until then been a
staging area for the hydrophobic attackers. The water forced them back

Add a comma after 'back'.

These enemies were different from the ones he had fought before. While
some of the winged nightmares were present, the bulk of the enemy's forces
were made up out of earthbound creatures that were half men and half
beasts. The creatures came in several distinct forms, but no matter if
they had beaks or snouts, were shaped in grotesque parodies of wolves,
bears or rams they all had in common the inhuman feel of savage malice
about them. 

Gah. Run-on alert. Run-on alert.

You know what to do. Remember, one thought per sentence.

He was slightly concerned that he could not see any other human defenders
anywhere nearby.

(wince) Pick: anywhere or nearby? No, please don't use both; it'd sound iffy.

In fact all the usual battle noises seemed to be coming

In fact, all the usual 

Where was everyone else? Shinji wondered as the monsters again closed in
around him, encircling him from all side. 

all sides.

When he saw that he was surround

surrounded

by hundreds if not thousands of the

by hundreds, if not thousands of the

allowed the bloodthirst of the sword to take control.

'blood thirst' or perhaps replacing 'the bloodthirst of the sword' with 'the sword's thirst for
blood'

Captain Ktsuragi 

Katsuragi

seemed less sure, but she said nothing and turned to
direct other parts of the battle raging in her city.

'her' city? Since when did she own a frickin' city?

but it was almost to dark to make out

...almost too dark to make out

anything more than vague shapes. Suddenly movement came into the crowd of

Suddenly, movement came into the crowd of

monsters where Shinji had disappeared. The chaotic motions soon resolved
into a large circle that was cleared leaving nothing behind but wreckage
and the dead bodies of a few attackers. 

And another run-on sentence here. You know what to do.

like a physical armor." Ritsuko said 

like a physical armor," Ritsuko said 

in awe even if it was clear from her
quick analysis that she had been expecting something like this.

Um, you're journalizing a fact that should be inferred by the reader himself. Show, not tell.

"Is he fighting now?" Captain Katsuragi asked rejoining them again at the
window. "He frightening them!"

(winces)

Revise the above sentence. Suggest: "Is he fighting now?" Captain Katsuragi asked, rejoining her
crew again at the window. "He's... scaring them!"

At that moment several of the half-men concentrating their efforts on the

Revise: 'concentrating' to 'concentrated'.

"What is he doing?" The Captain demanded outraged. 

"What is he doing?" the captain demanded, outraged. ('captain' shouldn't be capitalized, and add a
comma after 'demanded).

"He does not know that either," Mistress Akagi sighed regretfully. "Unlike
Rei or the second child he never received any training. It is a miracle
that he has been doing as good as he has so far."

Suggest: replacing 'good' in between 'doing as' and 'as he has' with 'well'.

"We somehow have to point him out the enemies he has to engage," Captain

Get rid of 'him' in between 'point' and 'out'.

awfully large and dim. Impractical to point out anything smaller then a

Replace: 'then' in between 'smaller' and 'a' with 'than'.

"Maya," She said unprecedentedly 

(wince)

Suggest: without precedent, because there's no such word as 'unprecedentedly' the same way as
there's no such word as 'irregardless'. Also, don't capitalize 'she', since 'said' is a speech
indicator to the "Maya," dialogue.

"She is a great fan of your work," Misato explained as an asside to

Asuka: Riiiight. Asside, eh? How... asinine.

Revise: replace 'asside' with 'aside'.

mistress Akagi.

Capitalize 'mistress' to 'Mistress' since it's being used to address Ritsuko's station.

"A large convex lens might focus a spotlight enough to reach over the
distance," mistress Akagi 

Capitalize 'mistress' to 'Mistress' since it's being used to address Ritsuko's station.

mused thankfully concentrating

mused, thankfully concentrating

on the first part
of the information that captain Katsuragi had provided. 

Capitalize 'captain' to 'Captian' since it's being used to address Misato's station.

"But it would
require some caluculations 

calculations

"I have the necessary equipment already prepared here at the bridges own

bridge's own

spotlight. The target I was planing 

planning

for was about the same distance as
Shinji is now," Maya admitted.

"How contrived, er, convenient, isn't it?" Maya mused.

"Well that is perfect!"

Add a comma after 'Well'.

Suggest: "Well, that's perfect!"

"I don't feel so good about going out there in this weather." Maya
confided in her fellow bridge officer.

Replace: the period after 'weather' into a comma. (speech indicator)

i.e., "I don't feel so good about going out there in this weather," Maya confided in her fellow
bridge officer.


"What's a bit of lighting and bat-winged terrors against the chance of
really impressing you Ritsuko." he teased.

your Ritsuko," he teased (speech indicator, and revise 'you' into 'your')

Back on the bridge Misato assured her friend "Maya really is a smart one.

Revise: add a comma after 'Back on the bridge' and get rid of the quotation mark before 'Maya'.
Also, change 'is' to 'was'.

i.e., Back on the bridge, Misato assured her friend Maya really was a smart one.

Or if you meant something else with the sentence, I'd suggest:

Back on the bridge, Misato assured her friend Ritsuko that Maya really was a smart one.

Or:

Back on the bridge, Misato assured her friend Ritsuko, "Maya really was a smart one, isn't she?"

She could need an assistant, she mused, she would have to ask around a bit

Revise the above sentence. Its structure is of suspect.

Suggest: terminating the sentence with a period placed after 'she mused' and starting a new
sentence with 'she would have to ask...'

about this Maya once the battle was over. Her problem of course was that
anybody intelligent enough to be of real assistance in her work would also
be smart

Asuka: Well, ain't that statin' the obvious. 9_9

Ritsuko would need someone who was both competent and capable
of working alone and unsupervised on complicated problems but also so
trusting and loyal that they would not question her or investigate where
she forbid them to go. 

revise: 'she' to 'she'd' (add a 'would' before 'she' and contract it to 'she'd)

That's Maya, all right.

And ultimately of course they would have to be
expandable.

Asuka: (giggles) Expandable? Like a balloon?

Revise: expandable --> expendable

Risuko 

Ritsuko

directly, but far above the sword he was holding up with both hands the
lighting seemed to split up and branch. From all Ritsuko had been taught
it should have travel 

traveled

straight down through the sword and the boy into the
ground, but it was almost as if the lightning itself was repulsed by the
Aura of Absolute Terror 

(tm)

that was surrounding Shinji. The lighting branched
instead and hit in a dozen different places around the boy incidentally
striking down a small number of his enemies.

boy, incidentally striking down...

The scary thing was that if you had just enough imagination you could
almost think that you saw a great horned demon in the pattern of the
purple afterimage of the lighting.

Gee, thanks Mr. Prose... To hell with show, not tell.

Asuka: Hey. It rhymed.

Ritsuko shivered not wanting to think about that too much.

Ritsuko shivered, not wanting to

Finally, after an indetermininate 

indeterminate

Please, Mr. Prose... relax! Don't stutter! :P

time that had seemed to her like a small
eternity, but was still amazingly short for Maya to get her machine to
work, 

-_-

Please, cut down on the run-ons. You don't need to journalize the fact that the indeterminate time
was 'amazingly short for Maya to get her machine to work' while at the same time stating that it
also 'seemed like a small eternity for Ritsuko'. Pick one thought or the other and stick with it.
Afterwards, let the reader judge for themselves the idea you're trying to convey.

Ritsuko waved Misato back over to the window.

I have no idea what you're trying to say with that sentence, but let me be the first person to
tell you that the said sentence is wrong. Please revise. Suggest:

Ritsuko waved at Misato back over...

Or:

Ritsuko waved off Misato back over...

Or:

Ritsuko waved at Misato. (get rid of 'back over to the window')

"So Maya has actually gotten her gotten her gas-light pointer to work,"
she commented. "I told you she was a smart one."

Ritsuko: Because of the grammatical errors of this fic, you technically did not. Or you did, but
the prose didn't make it clear that it was _me_ you were talking to.


The red dot sought out one of the riders marking him for Shinji.

The red dot sought out one of the riders, marking him for Shinji.

The fight when he finally reached him
was little more involved.

Awkward sentence structure. Suggest revision

Suggest: When he finally reached him, the fight became a little more involved.

After the third target Shinji had

After the third target, Shinji had

 obviously recognized the 
pattern and was now independently seeking out the human looking 

human-looking (Compound phrases used as descriptors should be hyphenated)

Shinji might made it look so easy, 

Shinji might have made it look so easy,

but Ritsuko knew the true strength of
a pale rider. No human should have been able to deal with one of them this
easily even aided by the sharpest sword in the world. 

easily, even aided by the sharpest sword in the world. 

Monster was fighting monsters 

Suggest: The monster was fighting monsters

There was still fighting going on and it would be for some time, but
Ritsuko sensed that the battle was already won. As she gave one last look
in the direction where Shinji was fighting, she could not help but ask
herself at what price.

                                                             )  )" <
                                                            tsu zu ku

Heh. I just can't get enough to that ASCII "To be Continued" sign. Aw. How Japanesey. Almost as
Japanesey as Megatokyo, except less fanboyism is involved. 

Sadly, that's about the only thing I enjoyed about your fic. The content is something I've seen
before and the presentation, without mincing words, is atrocious.

The same problems you had in the first part is present again in the second part... In fact, it
even became worse. From what I can see, your fic is riddled with typical novice errors. Let's
review. I said in my previous C&C:

"I'll try to be brief. Fix your sentences and grammar. Learn to punctuate better. Remember to keep
it 'one thought per sentence.' Read more fics... hell, reading actual books would even be better.
And don't just read for the sake of entertainment, read them and take note of how they would
construct sentences. Aside from that, from what I can see your fic is properly spellchecked and
some such. What it _lacks_ is better prose flow, better punctuation, and better sentence
structure."

Let's be a bit more specific and qualify the things that are oh-so-very wrong with your fic:

Commas: Learn to use 'em at the right place and time.

Sentence structure: Read a bit more to find out what's acceptable sentence structure in prose.

Dangling sentences: You can avoid these by proofreading or by getting prereaders to proofread for
you. I highly suggest the former, though. The best editor should always be the author himself.

Spell Check: This is important, but an even better suggestion is for you to read your fic aloud to
see if you yourself have made an awkward phrase or two.

Capitalization: As Lurker wrote in his sig once upon a time, capitalization is the difference
between "I helped my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Making up words: Don't do that. Yet again, there's no such word as 'unprecendentally."

Run-on sentences: This is your biggest grammatical sin, followed by...

Smarminess: Don't be so academic with your descriptions when you don't have to be academic and
formal.

I could list more, but this will do for now. In any case, ignore my caustic comments if you'd
like. I'm only "keeping it real" and telling you straight out what I found wrong in the fic. If
you want to keep your fic as is, good. If you found my comments helpful in some level, even
better. The best advice I could give you that you needn't take with a grain of salt is to keep on
writing... It's the best solution to generally avoidable grammar and punctuation mistakes and the
'been there, read that' feel of your story: actual experience of what a better story constitutes.
That's my two cents. Abdiel out.


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