Subject: [FFML] Re: [FFML][Ranma/DC/IY][Semi-dark] Fires of Vengence - Chapter 1
From: "The Eternal Lost Lurker" <lurkerdrome@sbcglobal.net>
Date: 7/25/2005, 1:31 PM
To: "Phillip Sabin" <prsabin@yahoo.com>, <ffml@anifics.com>



*snip*

Song lyrics at the beginning of a fanfic are kinda...pointless. Especially
if it's not a songfic (a genre of fanfiction I grow increasingly irritated
with over time).

  It was a crispy Saturday morning, in the middle of

Crisp, not crispy. When referring to climate, 'crisp' by itself is used.
'crispy' refers to food texture. :P

Also, lose that comma. It's unnecessary.

summer. There was
hardly any noise at the moment, for not many people

'at the moment' is an extraneous clause. Remove it, or if you must have it,
change 'the' to 'that'.

were up and walking
around at 5 am. This was the reason no one noticed the
sudden shimmering of
a light in an alley was. Nor was there anyone around

alley *way*, maybe?

to see what looked like
a gate or a portal open up, spilling three weary
travelers out and shutting
behind after them.

As opposed to shutting in front of before them? (Hint: redundancy is bad.)

up, gathered the
belonging they had brought with them, and set off at a

They only brought one belonging? They didn't bring numerous belongings?

bandage that was soaked with blood. The 22-year-old

This is a rather awkward way of describing the age of your character.

hair that went down past his waist. What made him
different, though, was the
fact that he had dog's ears on the top of his head,

'dog ears', 'dog-like ears', or 'the ears of a dog', if you please.

            The door slammed open and Ms. Higurashi

Mrs., maybe? Unless you're implying Kagome and Souta were born out of
wedlock?

  When Ranma and Akane had first met, Kasumi hoped the
red-haired girl would
be able to become a much-needed friend for Akane,
since it'd looked like they
very well couldn't complete their fathers' arraigned
marriage.

Arraigned? On what charges? And I didn't know you could even criminally
charge a marriage. Huh. Only in Japan, I guess...

(Hint: the word you want is ARRANGED.)

  "Not good, I'm afraid. I think this maybe the last

may be

No offence, but none of your cooking is anything like
Kagome's Ramen,"

'ramen' need not be capitalised.

of his dreams. As they both treaded down the stairs,
they could pleasant

could *smell* maybe? And why not add a dash of 'the' while we're at it?

aroma from Ran's cooking and it speed up their waking

sped (or speeded, but that's kinda bad).

  "Alright, I'm Kudo Shinichi, 22 years old. Meitantei
of the West."

Uh...Kudo is the Meitantei of the EAST. Hattori is the Meitantei of the
West.

  "Hello, Ranma. How'd it go?"

  "/We've got problems./" Came the reply.

  "What are they, and how bad?"

  "/I'm dead./"

That could be a problem alright.

==============================
If you meet a scary man, protect your
wallet and your asshole no matter what.
==============================
The Eternal Lost Lurker
(Bloody click the link.)
www.lurkerdrome.com



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