Subject: [FFML] [MSTed] "Friends, Family, and San Francisco" [SM] Pt. 2/2
From: "S. 'Zoogz' Jamison" <zoogz22@yahoo.com>
Date: 7/12/2005, 4:16 PM
To: ffml@anifics.com
Reply-to:
ssjamis@yahoo.com


 Part 2 of 2:


 ---Satellite of Love

  "And such began the career after the career... the time following
all the exploits in a sailor suit and tiara," Tom intoned.  "But now
it's time to go... Behind the Fuku."

  Joel appeared in a poofy blondish wig, white smock, and a quarter-
holder strapped to his belt.  "My days were idyllic... providing
change at the arcade and ogling the middle-schoolers.  Of course, I
come from a long line of perverts and... oh, that's not why I'm here?
I'm supposed to talk about the collapse and breakup of the Scouts?"

  "Oh, well, it was rather sudden.  They were all banging away at
that video game in the corner when all of a sudden I heard a loud
wailing and crying.  Using all the eavesdropping skills I've honed
through these lonely years, I found out that one of 'em had a bun
in the oven.  It's too bad, as I was waiting for her to get to the
age of consent..."

  Tom Servo, clad in a suit, reappeared on the Bridge and forcibly
tried to push Joel off.  "Yes, yes, thank you Andrew.  The Scouts
were in a panic.  One of their number would soon become two of
their number.  We went to a curiously absent source in this fanfic
for his opinions of the matter."

  Crow appeared on the Bridge in a tuxedo, top hat, and mask.
Underneath the tuxedo jacket was a grease-stained wife-beater. "That
Irving Harder ass.... I couldn't believe that a night of clumsy
passion was all that it took to break up the Scouts.  Especially
since destiny and Princess Serenity made it PERFECTLY CLEAR to those
wenches that the only promiscuousness allowed in THIS OUTFIT was to
be between myself and Sailor Moon!  NO OTHERS!  The morale in this
platoon was so shot that it was only a matter of time before some of
the Scouts couldn't take their poor widdle grampas dying and went
bye-bye.  WIMP!  You sicken me!!"

  Tom reappeared with a cattle prod, probably borrowed from Dr. F's
collection.  As it was continuously discharging, all he had to do
was put it up against Crow for a good shock to the shammies.  "Yow!
I hadn't been moved like that ever since Sailor Jupiter..." Crow
dazedly mumbled.

  "Yes, ahem," Tom continued.  "Truly, one of the Scouts had a 'bun
in the oven'.  Please stay tuned after these commercials, when we
receive testimonial from the live-in help about the impact that her
Grandfather had to Sailor Mars."

  Mike, wearing a shaggy red wig and dressed as a stoner, shows up
in the Hexfield.  "Like wow, is this thing on?  Andrew said there'd
be babes here... the funeral like blew for chicks though, y'know?"

  Tom frantically moved to the back of the Satellite to see if there
was any way to shut down the Hexfield from the outside.  At the same
time, he said, "That's all next on 'Behind the Fuku'."

  "You mean that open casket and free buffet wasn't supposed to be
combined?  Aww man, I thought those were weird cocktail weenies..."

  The lights flashed and the sirens blared.  "We have MORE FIC
SIGN!" Mike yelled from the Hexfield as he stumbled away...

(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate)
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door.  You open the top and fall over the
  bottom)
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)
(Door #4: it's a garage door.  You have to open it manually)
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well)
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe.  You open the door... but no Narnia)
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps
  you inside)

(Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom.  Tom was placed in the
fourth seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him.  After that
was Joel, and Crow sat in the far right seat.)

               Amy shut off the computer dismally and got up to go to
bed, when the first contraction hit her.

Mike <Amy>: Oh!  Right there... just a bit lower now... ahhhhh.

Meanwhile, back in San Francisco...

Tom: Annie wondered when the man in her dream would arrive with the
 blue crystal.

               "Explain yourself, Rachel," Samuel said slowly.

Mike <Raye> It's a reflexive second-person pronoun used to refer to
 antecedents that have already been named.

               "Raye," Raye grumbled. "You want to know, I was
talking to my friends in Tokyo. Was that so wrong?"

               "Don't you dare talk back to me, young lady! 

Tom: <Raye> Fine, I'll use sign language.  Starting with the middle
 finger.
Joel: I feel as if we should expect Claire Danes sometime soon.

You're in America now and I will not tolerate any ties with Japan."

Tom: <Samuel> Now if you'll excuse me, Iron Chef is on.

               "What's going on here?" Annette asked. "Rachel, you 
should be sleeping. The last thing you need at the Miss San Francisco
pageant is bags under your eyes."

Crow: Silly me, I thought the last thing she needed was a personality.
Mike: Besides, they may blow the location budget if we depart now.

               "I'm not going to that idiotic pageant." Raye growled.
"It's superfluous and stupid."

Joel <Raye>: And the grand prize is only $1.98!!

               "Oh, and I suppose you don't have those type of things
back in demonic land?" Annette retorted.
               "Actually, yes we did have those in Japan," Raye
answered easily. "Just not any I ever participated in."
               "I did see a few girls who looked as though they might
go far, 

Joel: Possibly to the end of the stage!  And then off!

especially in the young girls' competition years ago." Annette said 
thoughtfully. "There was one girl from there who looked like Miss
Globe material about 5 or 6 years ago. 

Crow: Or at least Weekly World News Page 5 material...

Jasmina Mitirowitz, I believe. Quite surprised me, she didn't look or
sound a mite Japanese. I wonder whatever happened to her?"

Mike: She married Orthodox, moved to Wroclaw and had five kids.
Tom: Ut azoy.

               "Mina outgrew the pageants and stopped competing,"

Joel: The only way you could "outgrow" the pageants is by not growing
 out enough.

Raye asked, knowing she would win this round.

Mike: She had Bald Bull's rush timed perfectly now.

               "You knew her?" Annette asked skeptically.

               "Oh yeah, one of my best friends."

               "I thought you said the people who competed in the
pageants were all stupid and air-headed." Samuel smirked.

Joel: O-ho!  Logic, my good man!  But if some widgets are NOT doodads,
 then are all fizzbins doohickeys?
Crow: <Raye> What, you don't have a friend that's stupid and air-
 headed?  Oh that's right, you have a wife.

               "Mina wasn't competing anymore by the time I met
her," Raye answered triumphantly. "She got sick and tired of all the
pressure and quit."

               "And her parents allowed her?"

Crow: Free will's a bitch, eh?

               "Of course. Her parents were getting a bit tired of it
all and were glad for the extra time just to spend relaxing with Aaron
and Mina."

Crow: And Mina just wanted a couple rounds of "kick the baby".

               "Aaron?"

               "Her older brother."

Mike: And her younger brothers Solomon, Levi, and Isaac.

               "What about her personal trainer and agent?"

Tom <Raye>: He overdosed on Fancy Feast and needed eight weeks to get
 clean.

               "According to Mina, they were slightly disappointed,
but were glad she decided to stop, because she was getting too much
pressure from media and scouts for such a young age. And Aaron was
beginning to hate her because it took all their parent's time."

Mike: Because all teenaged boys HATE unsupervised time and would
 rather have their parents looking over their shoulder constantly.

               "And the public?"

Joel <Raye>: Well, Mina faked her death pretty convincingly... she's
 now a plumber named Murray living in Queens.

               "Ah, it's amazing how you can move to a new city and
not be pestered constantly about why you stopped competing." 

Tom: Until VH-1 does another "We Love the 80s" show.

               "Silly girl," Annette sighed. "She could've been
great... but she chose to be just a common girl instead. Poor
misguided soul..."

Joel: And so ends another scene of thinly-veiled contempt as well as
 the complete deconstruction of upper-middle-class American life. 
Crow: Well, this is what you get when Canadians start getting things
 like opinions.

Christmas Eve, San Francisco Airport

Mike: The answer, my friend, is blow it out your ass.

               "Well, where should we start?" Serena asked, staring
around at the bustling crowds. 

Crow <Serena>: I haven't had a good meaningless frag-fest in ages!

"San Francisco is a big city."

               "Well, clues, Serena, clues." Mina responded
sarcastically, grabbing her duffel bag as it went past. 

Tom: And for that, she needs her handy-dandy...
All: NOTEBOOK!

"Raye said the house and school were in a region called Rivers, which
slices it down to a smaller area. And we have her address and school
name. So that narrows it down to two places she could possibly be."

Mike <Serena> So, either Haight-Ashbury or the Chuck E. Cheese?

               "So do we try the school or house first?" Serena
wondered.

               "Serena, it's Saturday." Mina said slowly. "Where do
you think she'll be?"

Crow <Serena>: Brought up on patricide charges by now... but Sam
 must've slipped her a Prozac or four.

               "Hehehe." Serena laughed weakly. "So what was the
address again?"

               "Number 1955, Jessica Drive." Mina answered, sneaking
a quick peek at the small piece of paper clutched in her fist. "Now
how are we going to get there?"

Tom: Cut to montage: John Candy with two giggling Japanese schoolgirls.

Meanwhile, back at 1955 Jessica Drive

Joel <Doc Brown>: Marty... we've got to send you BACK!  TO THE FUTURE!!

               "Rachel, I don't believe this." Samuel said angrily.
"Fighting?"

Mike: <Raye> But Mr. Eastwood said I have real potential!

               "It's Raye, and I wasn't fighting!" Raye protested. "I
was defending myself!"

               Briarcliffe had a funny schedule of a six-day school
week, 

Crow: Which ran from Thwensday to Saint Swiven's Day.

Monday to Saturday, and kept going to school until Christmas Eve and
then took a one week break. 

Joel: School administrators finally wised up and realized that parents
 really wanted a daycare that did some teaching.

Today, Raye had been sent home with a note that she had been fighting
on school grounds. She sported a black eye, a sprained wrist, twisted
ankle and a whole lot of scrapes and bruises. 

Tom: Which strangely enough matched the injuries she received last
 night after dinner.

She was still fuming over the comments that had started the whole
thing:

Mike: <student> Isn't Beyblade the greatest anime ever?

               "Hey, you!" a taunting voice came. "Go back to where
you came from, Jap!"

Joel <student>: And once you're done, Meathead, get me a beer.

Raye turned around to find five big guys, all older than her, sporting
baseball bats and various small weapons such as brass knuckles and
penknifes, advancing threateningly towards her. Immediately, Raye's
instincts told her to run or transform, but she did neither.

Tom: We have replaced the instinctual nodes in Raye's brain with
 lukewarm beef gravy.  Let's see if she can tell the difference!
Crow: We certainly can.

               Instead, she readied herself for the beating that was
certainly coming, and hoped these were just pranksters, looking to
scare her.

Mike: If they bring the penknives, you know they're really serious.
Tom: Boy, remember the days when there'd be five more burn ward
 victims?

               "You will go to your room and remain there until I
give you permission to come out." Samuel snapped. "I can't believe a
daughter of mine would-"

               "Oh, shut up." Raye snarled.

Joel: She has no instincts AND no ability to learn.
Mike: He's just itching to send her to Girls' Town, isn't he?

               "Don't you dare talk back to me like that," Samuel
growled, and grabbed Raye fiercely by the arm.

Later

Crow: Samuel lay in the hospital, wrapped up like Bubba Ho-Tep.
Tom: Groovy.

               Alexander and Jeremy were at home alone when the
doorbell rang. 

Tom: Stop me if I'm wrong, but I think I've heard this setup before.

Samuel and Annette had left for some dinner reception and given
explicit instructions not to open the door.

Crow <Sam>: NOT EVEN IN CASE OF FIRE!!

               Jeremy either hadn't heard those instructions or
decided not to listen, because he answered the door. "Yeah?" he asked
suspiciously, as he regarded the two blonde girls on the doorstep.

Mike: That merger between Victoria's Secret and the Girl Scouts was a
 lucrative one!

               "Is Raye here?" one asked.

               "No," Jeremy answered unconcernedly. "She left a while
ago."

               "Do you know where she went?" the other asked.

Joel <Jeremy>: What am I, a random bystander on "Carmen Sandiego"?

               "Probably down to the temple."

               "Where is it?"

Mike <Jeremy>: Hang a left at the coliseum, a right at Adam Smith's
 Trading Post, another left at the Apollo Project; you can't miss it.

               "Here, I can-"

               "Jeremy, Mom and Dad told you not to answer the-"
Alexander said exasperatedly. "Who are you?"

Crow, Joel <girls>: Paris Hilton and Anna Nicole Smith for Jehovah's
 Witnesses!

               "We're friends of Raye's," they answered.

               "You came all the way from Japan to see her?"
Alexander asked dubiously.

Tom: She couldn't even make a friend in San Francisco?  Not even one?
Mike: So we're up to instincts, ability to learn, social skills...

               "Yes, now somebody please tell us where the temple
is?"

               "Like we should know where it is?" Alexander asked. 

Crow: In Canada, a random citizen would've taken you there by now!
Joel: With a stop at Tim Horton's on the way!

"Neither of us have ever gone near it. She goes there a lot,
especially after she and Dad and Mother have a spectacular row, but
otherwise, nobody here ever goes around there."

              "I've been there." Jeremy whispered, watching his feet.

Joel: Two blonde girls on the doorstep asking for directions and this
 putz would rather look at his own feet.

               "Excuse me?" Alexander asked incredulously. "When have
you ever gone there?"

Mike <Jeremy>: Every time you and Dad fight about you being a warrior!

               Jeremy shifted on his feet uncomfortably, wishing he'd
kept his mouth shut. "Just once. Back in September."

Mike <Jeremy>: I couldn't remember when trick-or-treating starts!

*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*-

Crow: Anybody got a minesweeper?

A/N: thank you! My lock-down's over, the chapter's FINALLY done and I
can upload the overabundance of "Things to be uploaded"! Review!!!

Tom: Reviewing seems prudent... here we have a story starring the
 Sailor Senshi, but they don't even become the Sailor Senshi!  Even
 when threatened!!
Mike: Maybe it's the year 4200 and we don't know it yet.

Friends, Family and San Francisco

A/N: gosh, I thought I'd NEVER finish Chapter 2! It was like a
deranged Energizer bunny: it just kept going and going and going and
going... 

Tom <singing>: This is the 'fic that never ends/ It just goes on and on
 my friends...
Crow: <singing>: Some author started writing it not knowing where it
 goes...

until finally I just cut it off and told it "No. You are ending here
and that's that." *yawn* Gosh, I'm tired. And I don't even have a
legitimate reason why. *yawwwwwwwwwn* 

Crow: Couldn't you at least cover your keyboard when you yawn?  You
 look like the Grand Canyon.

And I'm sorry, any San Franciscans, if I kind of blacken your city's
fair name. 

Joel: Between this story and the Twinkie Defense, San Francisco may
 never be the same.

Raye's going to be kind of OOC this chapter, because of course, I felt
like it. 

Mike <grumbling>: Why should this chapter be any different?

And for whoever said that you didn't think Raye would take that b.s.
>from her dad and stepmom, and that she would've found her way back to
Japan already, all will be revealed in good time.

Tom: However we have ruled out arson, bonfires, and smoke signals.

DISCLAIMER: Don't own anything in here. But you already knew that,
didn't you?

Crow [to Tom]: Told you Michael Jackson owned Ringo. 

Chapter 3:: Rescue

Joel: Starring Bernard and Bianca.

               Once Jeremy had directed the two girls to the temple
and they had left, he looked wistfully after the departing figures

Tom <Jeremy>: Amway has never looked so good.

while his brother berated him for actually going near that place of
demonic power.

Mike: Alexander still has issues over the loss of his virtual pet.

               Serena and Mina reached the temple within half an
hour, and stepped inside the gate and were ambushed by an old lady,
screeching at them to leave.

Crow: It's sad to see old Mrs. Mitchell every time she gets into the
 turpentine.

               "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Serena yelped. "We were just
looking for Raye!"

Tom <woman>: Well... long as you ain't one o' them Travolta stalkers.

               "Oh, I'm sure," the lady scoffed. "Two little blonde
girls come into MY temple grounds, something's up... did you say you
were looking for Raye?"

Joel <woman>: Kinda goofy looking stout dude, almost like Dan Aykroyd?
Tom: Look, lady, you're in freaking California.  If they're not blonde
 now, Clairol'll get 'em.

               "Uh... yeah." Mina answered.

               "Who are you?" the old lady snapped, suddenly wary.
"Where do you heed from?"

Tom <Serena>: I heed from the left in Japan, but the oncoming traffic's
 different here.

               "We're friends of Raye's," Mina said in confusion.

               "From where?" the old lady persisted.

               "Japan," Serena answered.

               "You're not Japanese," the old lady said suspiciously.

Mike <Serena>: I know.  It's these goofy names!  I swear we're just
 trying them on, not to keep!

               "Gods, yes we are!" Mina howled suddenly. 

Tom: <Serena> Watch it or you'll get an eyeful of ceremonial salt!
Crow: Gods they are, yet talk like little green Muppets they do!

"I am really getting tired of being told I'm not Japanese, you know?
Just because my hair is blonde, it doesn't make me any less Japanese!"

               The old lady looked taken aback, then smiled. "Fine,
then, let me test you. 

Mike <woman>: Tea Ceremony, best three out of five!

I get enough vandals in this no-good city without admitting two into
my grounds, because they claim to be Japanese. Where do you come from
in Japan?"

Crow: <Serena> Uh... Hirojiro... yuma... zuna... taki?
Tom: <Mina> Fort Wayne.

               "Tokyo," both girls responded in unison.

               "Where did she go to school?" She, of course, meaning
Raye, the girls knew that. Serena answered "Harmony Academy."

Mike: Where kids are arranged in perfect thirds and everyone's a minor!

               "Well, I have no way of proving that, she's never said
where she went to school in Japan," the lady mused. 

Mike: Wha...?
Joel <woman>: Okay, another question!  What is Avogadro's Number?
Tom <Serena>: I don't know!
Joel <woman>: Raye never told me that either... But A-HA!  GET OUT!!

"Well, I can't think of a good question that would confirm it, so I
suggest you go wait at her father's house until she-"

Crow: Amazingly, this woman's real career is federal interrogation.

               "Serena?" came a soft voice. "Mina?"

               "Raye!" both girls exclaimed, as the raven-haired girl
stepped out from the shade of a tree, where the shadows had been
hiding her, and still hid most of her face. 

Tom: Well it's not an asparagus patch, but it'll do.

The two girls ran towards their long-lost friend and the two started
talking over each other at the same time, until Serena finally
withdrew and demanded indignantly "What have they done to you?"

              "Raye, do you know them?" The woman asked sharply.

Crow <woman>: Holy crap!  The sky... the sky... it's BLUE?!

              "Yes, Shino, don't worry." Raye answered quietly.

              "All right," Shino muttered and walked back into the
temple, shaking her head.

Tom: <Shino> Jive girls ain't got no brains anyhow!
Joel: Cameo appearance by Jessica Simpson!  Let's give her a hand!

              "Raye, what happened to you?" Mina asked fretfully.
"You look terrible."

              "Gee, thanks for the compliment," Raye said, still in a
subdued tone that Serena and Mina had never heard in Raye.

Mike <Raye>: Look, I'm down to 500 food and there's still fifteen
 Level 3 ghosts chasing me.  Think you could be "IT" for a few seconds?

              "What. Happened." Serena and Mina both said slowly.

              "Long story, unhappy ending." Raye replied softly,
avoiding eye contact.

Joel: That's the most blatant foreshadowing I've ever seen.
Crow: How come we can't get warnings like this BEFORE the 'fic starts?

              "Oh, you come with us," Serena and Mina both gushed and
each took an arm. 

Tom: <Serena> We are going to give you SUCH a makeover!  You're gonna
 dazzle the sparkle, babe!

Serena noted a slight jump of what could almost be fear, and filed it
away for pondering later.

Mike: And after that comes processing, collating, and compiling.

               "Wha-?" Raye asked in confusion.

              "You didn't really think we'd leave you stranded here
in America at Christmas, did you?" Serena asked scornfully. 

Crow <Serena>: We're here to save you from incessant Old Navy
 shilling and the Canadian Tire Scrooge ads.

"You're coming back to Japan with us tonight. We'll stop back at your
dad's place to get some clothes or something and we'll be in Japan by
Christmas morning."

Mike <Mina>: Let's go see that new holiday movie, "The Passion of the
 Santa!" 

Tokyo

               "Hey, Amy!" Lita greeted as she entered the apartment.
"How are you doing?"

Tom: <Amy> I'm HORRIBLE!  And FAT!!  And... I'm so sorry I yelled, I
 hope you're not mad... you're looking great, Lita, just l-like I
 used... to... WAAAAHHH!!

               "Tiiiiiiiiiired," Amy groaned as she collapsed on the
couch.

######################################################################

Joel: Meanwhile, Darien is running a numbers racket...

A/N: I know it's kinda short but I have some serious writer's block.

Crow: Psychosomatic damage finally works in our favor!  Yesss!!

Friends, Family, and San Francisco

A/N: sorry for the long wait. Stupid ff.n decided to be mean and tell
me I didn't exist. 

Crow: [bitterly] So much for our hopes.
Mike <author>: They stole my identity, my life, my future...

I deleted all my files and now I had to go retrieve them from off ff.n
because my friend told me that I do exist. Yay!

Joel: The lesson, folks?  If you're not on fanfiction.net, you don't
 exist.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anybody but those who aren't in the series.
(Duh. A moron could figure that out! XP)

Crow: The author wasn't kidding about using those racial slurs...

LYRICS: Home Tonight, Chris Rice.

Tom: Alter ego of Garth Agar. 

Chapter 4:: Broken

Joel: Figures.  I'll go grab the duct-tape.  I'm the frigging Bob Vila
 of theaters.

I've come to my senses

Tom <singing>: Abandon their defenses...

How did I get so far from home

               "I just had an accident."

               "I knocked into a door."

Crow: Oh!  My line... "Who's there?"

               "I didn't dodge the balls fast enough in gym class."

               "I fell off the curb while out walking."

Joel: I mistook Starlight peppermints for Tabasco sauce.
Tom: I taped my jeans to a sperm whale while I was still in them.
Mike: I tried to use a can opener as a speculum.
Crow: I ratted out the Gambinos. 

The lies dissipating

Revealing I'm so alone

Crow: But it proves a lucrative future in politics! 

               I'd almost forgotten what being accepted and being
loved felt like. It's been so long since I've had anybody hug me, or
tell me they missed me. I don't care what technology says, e-mail is
no substitute for talking face to face.

Mike: Especially when the Sailor Mars porn spams started showing up.

And I remember now

How strong love can be

Tom: Or at least legal custodianship.

               Obviously, life didn't stop for the others here. Not
that I expected it to. They're all discussing some new guy in their
class that is apparently a "hunka hunka burnin' love". 

Mike <Raye> Apparently, his porkchop sideburns are going grey.

Description courtesy of Lita.

Joel: Caption copyright AP News.

               It feels like it's been years and years since I sat at
this table in this restaurant with these girls, eagerly discussing the
future. 

Tom <Raye>: Of course, the restaurant was trashed a couple times by
 monsters, and we transformed into the, uhh... navy people, I think...

Funny, when I remember it now, it's fuzzy, and coloured with bright
dreams and love for life.
And I wonder how did I ever leave

Mike: Grampa bought it.  I swear, you'd forget your name if it wasn't
 pounded into your skull over and over...
 
               Sometimes, I wonder why I didn't try to run for Japan
earlier. 

Crow: Could it be because of the wet and sinking feeling?

I'd like to think it was because there was no way for me to return,
but that's not true. The truth of the matter was that I was a
hopeless, gullible, weak kid. Yes, the great and strong Sailor Mars,
Raye Yakira, fell for it. 

Joel: The flower squirted water!  How could I be so blind??

I really did believe that he wanted his daughter back. Honest and
truly, I just wanted to know that my father loved me and wanted me.
Was that so wrong, to want the love and attention of your own father?

Crow: <Sam> Neglect... abuse... how much more can a father give?!

Burn the fire on the altar

Leave a candle on the porch

Mike: Heck, torch your couch, I don't care! 

               I look at Amy now and I see how my mother must've
looked when I was born. Tired, burdened, but happy still the same.

Joel <Ami> Finally, pickles are a condiment!  Not a main course and
 NOT a dessert!!
 
Granted, my mother was also two years younger than Amy when I was born
and she didn't have twins or great aspirations.

Joel: Or dental floss, or kleptomania, or a bitchin' stereo...
Mike: I imagine having that baby gave her great perspirations.

               I don't really remember all that much of my mother.
She killed herself when I was three. If there's one thing I know, it's
that I sincerely hope Amy is stronger than her. 

Tom: My mother had the same fetish for dead lifting refrigerators...

She's got wonderful dreams and I know that someday she will reach
them. This is just a minor setback that she'll overcome like she
always has.

Joel <Raye>: She's currently writing a manuscript about Perry Hotter!
 
I'm still too far away to see it

Tom: My favorite way to read these 'fics.

But I'm aching for its warmth

Mike: As well as the stench of singed upholstery.

               Not like me, of course. Well, I guess I used to have
great wonderful, Technicolour dreams, but not anymore. 

Joel: <Raye> Now I'm a View-Master without a cardboard reel.

It's like I'm a prisoner who at one time had been out in the warm sun,
but has been locked away in the dark and grey prison for so long that
I've forgotten true freedom is like.

Crow: Raye Ya-whatever stars in 'The Shawshank Redemption 2: It's Got
 Morgan Freeman Talking'.

And now that I'm released from my prison cell (for a week or two at
least), all the colours and light and freedom has come back in such a
dizzying rush that I can't take it all in. I've built up such a
powerful shield between myself and the world that nothing at all can
penetrate it. Not even my friends.

Tom: Phasers have no effect, torpedos are useless... anybody got a
 tachyon pulse lying around?

And I'm so tired and dark and lonesome

Still I hear your song inside

Mike: <Raye> And it's not working, Elton John!

So sing it louder if you want me home tonight

Sing it loud now, 'cause I'm comin' home tonight

Tom: Too bad the country roads are all closed due to snow. 

               The day has passed by in such a blur that I don't 
really remember what I did today.

Tom: <Harrison Ford> I don't like fast women!

               Aunt Nori and Aunt Aiko were quite reluctant to let me
out of their sight when Mina and Serena brought me to the temple
earlier this morning. Aiko was all over me like a fish in water and
Nori wasn't that much more refined. 

Mike: Lemme guess, Nori was on her like seaweed paper on sushi?

At least Yukio had the sense to pull his wife back before they
suffocated me.

This isn't the first time I've wandered away from home before

Joel: Wandering, fifteen-hour flight to freedom, same difference.

So you'd have every reason to slam and deadbolt the door

But I remember now how strong your love can be

And I wonder how you might welcome me

Crow: Let's take bets... open palm or closed fist?

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Joel: The above is a picture of your beard.  And now, graphic
 representation of the Mach 3 from Gillette!

A/N: yes, short chapter, but I am attempting to finish the next
chapter of every story I have in progress to make for lost time in
exams and writers block. 

Tom: Do you get the feeling that someone in Deep Thirteen is chuckling?

Grrrr... 6 down, 3 to go, not including the 2 sequels I started for my
unfinished YGO fics. *sigh* I'm pathetic. 

Mike: Stewart Smalley would be horrified.
Crow: Especially if he read this far.

What fic to work on next tonight... Project Phoneix: Aidan Rachel, Any
Dream Will Do or I Dreamed A Dream? *sigh* Review, will ya? Bring some
light into this loony li'l dark world of unfinished fics and imminent
Spanish classes?

Crow <author>: My 'fics have moved me from Canada to Guatemala and
 they're beating me up!  I miss my friends!

Friends, Family and San Francisco

A/N: Sorry about the wait. But here's chapter 5! Thank you, Tori, for
the e-mail!! ^-^ My mother said she could see my head swelling from
pride at all the WONDERFUL reviews people left!! ( ^-^ ) � big head

Mike: First it starts at the head... then it moves to the hands...
Tom: Mike, give it up.  It's over.
Crow: Poor Timmy.
Joel: <singing> Who's that guy with the big...!
Crow: Joel... no.

Probably won't be too much longer. And probably not a happy-happy-joy-
joy ending, either. 

Mike: More like a Muddy Mudskipper ending.

A mysterious, leave-you-gnawing-at-your-nails ending, or tearing-at-
the-eyes ending. Yep.

Joel: Ahh, the author decided to emulate The Girl in Lover's Lane.

DISCLAIMER: I own only Brady, Faith, William, etc.

Chapter 5:: William

Mike: Oh no, Mr. Bill!  Run away while you still can!

               Aiko had to go to work that morning. She left Raye at
her apartment alone, promising to be back in a few hours.
               Raye sat at the kitchen table, head spinning in
confusion. She couldn't process all this emotion. 

Crow: She's a Teddy Ruxpin with only three C's.

She had survived the past half year by locking out emotion. Her family
was a joke, 

Joel: Namely, "here's your sign".

her friends had gone on with life, forgetting all about her, her life
was in shambles. It was all just too much...

               The phone's irritable jangling brought Raye back from
her morbid musings. "Hello?" she said hopefully.

Crow: NOW... greatNEWfares... to... CAL-i-FOR-ni-a... at PRICELINE!
Tom: <Raye> Shut the hell UP, Shatner!

               "Hello?" a tentative male voice asked. "Is this Raye?"

               "Yes," Raye answered. "Who is this?"

               "This is William Cassidy from school. 

Mike: <William> I was chosen to insult you by proxy, Big Poopy Head.

I know you probably think I'm stupid or something because you've been
there since the beginning of the year and all and I've never even
talked to you and all but I didn't have any guts and I thought you'd
think I was high and mighty because my dad 

Joel: Who had "Charles da Great" sewn on the back of all his suits...

and I go back and forth a lot, but when I saw you the other day here
in Tokyo, I finally thought that I could probably have a chance with
you and... Iwaswonderingifyouwouldliketogooutsometime."

Joel: <William> And I... I... *gasp*.... I....
Crow: <Raye> Breathe, stupid, breathe!
Tom: Only by the third date will she realize that "William" is an alias
 for Irving Harder.

               Well. Once Raye had deciphered the rambling message
and recalled exactly who William Cassidy was: 

Joel: Hopalong!

some boy who came and went, most of the other students thought he was
snobbish because his dad owned companies all over the world and
traveled a lot. They didn't like him: he must be okay. "Sure."

Mike: For the love of God, man, be sure to bring condoms!

               "Really?" William asked, sounding incredulous.
"Well... when did you want to go? Where do you want to go?"

Crow: <William> And where do you want to get off?

               "Do you know where the Caf� Damask is?" Raye asked,
naming of the most popular affordable little caf�s in Tokyo.

               "Yes, actually." William admitted. "My apartment isn't
far."

Crow: He really lives under one of the tables.
Mike: <William> We can split a packet of Sweet-N-Low and a half a cup
 of cream!

               "Neither is my aunt's." Raye agreed. "How about there,
tomorrow?"

               "Sounds good. How about we meet there at 3:30?"

Tom: <William> Bring two forms of ID, the way this story's going.

               "Sure. See you then."

               "Okay. Bye."

               16-year-old Liam Cassidy whooped in exhilaration as he
hung up. "Yes! I did it!!" 

Joel: <Liam> First, the cafe, then the weenie roast and... dare I
 suggest it... THE RUMMAGE SALE!  WOO HOO!

Grinning widely, Liam continued to hop up and down.

Joel: You can barely tell that he's straight out of the annals of
 Western history.

               Liam's 5-year-old sister Oriana dashed into the
kitchen, took one look at her older brother and backed out. Liam
caught her and swung her up and down before setting her on the
countertop.

Tom: <Liam> We're having tuna surprise tonight.  See if you can puke
 all over it.

               Why are you so excited? Oriana signed quizzically.

               Liam sighed. Because big brother's going on a date!

Crow: <Liam> Hey!  I wanted to tell her!  Butt out, author!

               A date? With who? Liam's dad signed as he entered the
kitchen.

Mike: With his family!

               A girl from school.

               Did you call long-distance?!

Joel: <father> No reaching out and touching someone WITHOUT parental
 supervision, mister!

               No, no. She's visiting some family in Tokyo. She goes
to Briarcliffe with me. Liam assured his father quickly.

               When are you going out on this date? Liam's dad 
demanded.

               Tomorrow afternoon. Don't worry about it, Dad. We're
just going to the Caf� Damask.

Tom: Right across the street from Central Perk, next to the Peach Pit. 

               "A date?" Lita asked. "With who?"

               "Where?" Mina added.

               "When?"

Tom: NNNnnnoooooo-body expects the Senshi Inquisition!
Mike: I'm not even expecting the Senshi anymore...

               "What are you doing?"

               "Guys!" Raye finally yelped. "Let me talk, will you?
First of all, his name is William. Secondly, we're just going to Caf�
Damask. Tomorrow. Does that answer your questions?"

Crow: All but, "Who's gonna pay for it?"

               "Where did you meet this William guy, any way? What's
his last name?" Amy asked, turning back around to face her friends as
she finished twisting the cap back on a bottle before throwing it in
the microwave. "Do we know him?"

Joel: According to the pediatrician, Mr. Pibb should be administered
 at 130 degrees.

               "Probably not." Raye admitted, twisting a lock of
raven hair around her index finger. A small smile was lighting her
features, lessening the fading bruises on her face. 

Mike: Huh, that never worked for Mike Tyson.

"Considering he lives in San Francisco. His father runs some big,
fancy company all over the world, so he travels around a lot.

Tom <Raye> Colombia, Venezuela, the States... then back to Mexico, then
 Cuba, and then the States again... 

His last name's Cassidy. I met him at school. I don't know, he seems
like a decent guy."

Crow: Especially when he keeps talking about a song that he's singin'.

               "Irving seemed like a decent guy to me, too." Amy
pointed out, shifting Faith to the other arm; Brady was sleeping in
his crib.

Joel <announcer> And now, the second half of "Days of our Scouts",
 after these words from Summer's Eve and Pampers.

               "My theory is nobody else there likes him. He must be
okay."

Crow: This is the same thought process behind Keanu Reeves movies.

               "I don't know, Raye." Amy said doubtfully. Brady woke
and let out a screeching howl that made Amy groan: her hands were full
with just Faith. 

Mike: She didn't have twins... she had a litter!
Joel: Another two weeks before their coats comes in...

Crossing over the room quickly, Raye was the one who lifted the
squalling infant and calmed him down. She smiled grimly at the
dumbfounded looks on her friends' faces. 

Tom: <Raye> It just takes four tablespoons of Nyquil!  Remember this
 rhyme: "All you need is four... then you'll hear a snore!"

"My cousins are 12 and 14 years younger than me. I baby-sat a lot."

Joel: <Raye> And I would've kept going to the club meetings, but I had
 to move and Dawn took my spot...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Crow: Whoops!  Looks like Faith just burped up.

A/N: There we go!! And whoever asked for Raye to find just one decent
guy in San Fran, there you go. William is her decent guy.

Mike: Until Raye finds out that his REAL last name is Bonin.

Friends, Family and San Francisco

A/N: Sorry about the long wait. This is the last chapter. Then I might
do a sequel. You'll have to ask for it though...

Mike: ...stay.... extremely..... still.....
Tom: Shh!

DISCLAIMER: I own only Faith, Brady and Liam.

Chapter 6:: Return

Crow: And the follow-up, "Line Break!"

               Amazingly enough, Raye hadn't stood him up! Liam was
on top of the world. 

Mike: How often do rich kids get stood up anyway?

He was out with a girl he'd had a crush on since forever, and she
actually seemed interested in him. Even if it was just as a friend...

Joel: <Raye> You'll protect me, right!?  You've got bodyguards with
 guns, RIGHT!?

               He was an interesting guy, this Liam, Raye mused as
she walked back from Caf� Damask after a few hours. She had had fun,
she'd admit it right there. Maybe not all American guys were jerks...

Crow: As Liam speed dialed his plastic surgeon to get Raye scheduled
 for collagen injection and breast implants. 
Tom <Liam>: Double-F should be sufficient...

               She returned to the apartment smiling. Aiko had left a
note on the kitchen table:

Mike: Bread, milk, AAAAHHHHH!!
Crow: <Raye> Ah, I could go for a drink with jam and bread. 

               Raye, come over to the temple as soon as you get home.

Joel: Grampa's back and demanding BRAIIIINS! 

               Funny message, but okay, Raye pondered as she walked
back over to the temple, her grin quickly fading.

               Standing in the courtyard was two men, apparently
arguing at the top of their lungs and her two aunts trying to break it
up.

Mike: <Roddy Piper> FORK!
Crow: <Paul Orndorff> Spoon!

               "What are you doing here?!" Raye asked, entering the
courtyard.

               "I was about to ask you the same question, Rachel!"
Samuel snapped.

Tom <Raye> I asked first!!

               All the happiness and joy she had gotten back this
afternoon dissipated in face of dread and, surprisingly enough, anger.
"It's Raye!"

Crow: It's nice to see them getting back to their former one-
 dimensional selves. 

               Liam was just cleaning up from dinner: his father had
gone on to a dinner for business and Oriana had bolted off to her
room. 

Tom <Oriana>: I never heard you ask for help with the dishes!
Crow: Ordinarily, this would set up the big fight finale, but...

The lights in the house started flickering just then and Liam dashed
for the phone. "Hello?"

Mike: This is your landlord.  I hear that you have been holding an
 illegal crossover and sublet on your rental property.

               "Liam?" Raye's tearful voice said from the other end
of the line.

Joel <Raye>: Never never NEVER sing "Champagne Supernova" ever again.

               "Raye, what's wrong?" Liam demanded, hearing the
distraught tone in her voice. "Raye?"

               Raye sniffled. "He found me."

Mike: Sergeant Preston of the Yukon?  Well, they always get their man. 

*Raye's POV*

Mike: <Raye> I trained four weeks to box him and the author cuts away! 
 Where's the justice?!?

               All right, so maybe he found me. 

Tom: <Raye> I've got contacts in Arkham, I'll get out.

Maybe I can't come back to Japan while I'm still under 18. That's only
two more years. With Liam, I can handle it.

Crow: Surely Samuel can't afford to bribe child services for longer
 than that, right?  Right??

               He may have won this time. But I will be back.

               Back where I belong.

Joel: With many apologies to MacArthur, the Governator, and all readers
 who've read this far.

---Satellite of Love

  Michael J. Nelson was wearing a three-piece suit instead of his
typical jumpsuit.  He was standing next to Tom Servo, who had on
a girls' school uniform consisting of sailor suit and skirt.  The
spotlights illuminated both visages as music began to fill the SOL.

[Singing to the tune of America the Beautiful:]
[Music can be found at http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/am.mid]
A-mer-i-ca,
for hide-a-beds,
for daughters who o-bey!
Through pageant shows
and pri-vate school, 
you'll do just as I say!

America!  America,
You'll lis-ten to me well,
Do what I say and things my way,
Or I will ring your bell!

  Tom wheeled to the right to face Mike and said, "Bah!  Your sung
entreaties have no effect on me!  For I have my OWN song, locked in
mortal combat!"

[Singing to the tune of O Canada:]
[Music can be found at http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/cn.mid]
O, bite me now... 
you're arr-o-gant-ly snide...
You brought me here... 
despite how hard I cried!
With tear-y face and wound-ed heart 
I curse God's cru-el trick,
I'd transform into Sai-lor Mars
if I could find my stick! 

You changed my name... to "Winslow" as well?!?
Oh, Sam-u-el, I'll see you rot... in... hell,
Oh, Sam-u-el I'll see you rot... in... hell!!

  "Oh, you're asking for it, pal..." Mike insisted.

["America the Beautiful":]

You're not allowed
To leave this place
or chat to ov-er-seas...
A-mer-i-ca
Is your home now
And I'm who you should please!

A-mer-i-ca, A-mer-i-ca,
Up high should be your nose!
Forsake your roots and raise your snoots
'Cause ev-ry-where else blows!

  "I can't believe you'd do such a thing!!" Tom sobbed...

["O Canada":]

I'll run a-way...
to where my friends will be.
Let's see you stop
that plane on which is ME!
With burst-ing pride I'll flip you off
>From twenty-thousand feet!
Oh Sam-u-el, I won't be back
No pageants will I meet!

  "Oh... oh yeah, Raye?!" Mike said.  "You're coming back with ME!"

  "If I must..." Tom whimpered.

[still to "O Canada":]
<sobbing> Please bind my wounds... kiss my boo-boo here.
I hope Li-am... will want to elope next year.
MayyyyBE Li-am... will want to elope next YEAR!!

  "I knew it!  I AM the winner!  Bow to the king!" Mike crowed.

  "Just a second, Mike.  Joel and Crow are doing the dance-off
in another five minutes.  If Crow wins, then it's still a tie."

  "D'oh!  Oh wait, Evander Holyfield and Joey McIntyre are up..."

 ---Deep Thirteen

  "But Steve, I've already brought up as many of these Velvet Elvis
paintings as you have.  We're practically out of Nostalgia and we
still have my extensive collection of Bud Light cans to sell!"

  "Come on, Frank, we have to find willing buyers for these!  I
can't believe how much Nostalgia it takes to get this velvet crap
through the door... especially after my "dogs playing poker" print
needed half-a-bottle.  Think we need to mix up some more?" Dr. F
responded.

  Frank panted.  "But Dr. F... you know that the active ingredient
is a huge helping of onions and we're also out of mothballs!
Besides, liquefied suspension of disbelief doesn't come without a
large helping of Milk of Magnesia..."

  "Get hopping, Frank, there's still boxes and boxes of Osmonds and
Jackson 5 records downstairs."

  "Okay, Dr. F.  Three gallons per record, coming up."

  Dr. F chuckled, "And get the button while you're up, eh?"

  --POOF!-- 

  o/~ "Na na na-a-ah, na na, na NA na..." 

  All comments and criticism about this MST will be gratefully
appreciated and accepted at: zoogz@yahoo.com 

  I enjoyed MSTing this 'fic and certainly hope that you, my reader,
enjoyed reading the final efforts.  This 'fic struck me as a Sailor
Moon version of those angsty MST3k episodes such as "I Accuse My
Parents" and "High School Big Shot", and MSTing the 'fic gave me many
memories of both them and my old high school days.

  There's still a slew of projects on tap for me to edit.  They'll be
out soon!

  Special thanks to the author Laura-Grace whom I tried to contact
but never received a reply.  I hope you know that this was all in
good fun and enjoyed all the jokes!

  Thanks go to the group who MSTed "Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double
Blitzkrieg Dilemma" for borrowing a concept or two.

  I would like to offer special thanks to Megane 6.7 for riff
suggestions, editing assistance and general support.  His works and
mine can be found at:

  http://www.nabiki.com/mst

  He is currently working on another MSTing, of an Urusei Yatsura 'fic.
Coming soon!

  Also, check out Everything What Is Crap, formerly Shuuichi's Vault of
Anime MSTings.  Not only do they feature the same MSTings as before,
there's also reviews and other neat stuff to check out!  The webpage
is:

  http://svamcentral.org/ewic

  Special Thanks:
  Teachers of America
  The Authors of the First Amendment
  American Cancer Society

               "Oh, and I suppose you don't have those type of things
back in demonic land?" Annette retorted.

  Keep Circulating the Fanfics...


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