[FFML] [C&C] [Ranma/Avengers] Avenging Act II Chapter 4: Backstabbers

Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, and to misquote facts and to make
errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at one point can easily be retracted on
the next, depending on how the story progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction
writing... Hell, I see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your fic? You have the
right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you can use and ignore the rest. ^_^

In short... Howdy. Me again. C&C. Grain of salt. Ikuzo.


		
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On 6/15/05, DB Sommer <sommert@connecttime.net> wrote:

strapped to their belts, along with a number of less bloody instruments,
such as truncheons and blackjacks. All were implements of pain, and each


Suggest: "All carried implements of pain", "Everyone carried implements of pain," or simply replace the period after "blackjacks" with a semicolon and change "Everyone" to small caps (everyone).

Kraken walked toward him, moving with fluidity despite the peg leg. �Oh,
a comedian. You must be the new swabbie we hired in Thailand, is that
right?�


"It's all DB Sommer's fault and his penchant for ad-libbing sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek jokes in the middle of an intro!" the sailor blurted out in panic.

The men had started to move with renewed zeal when a voice from perched
above a large stack of crates said, �Well, well well,


Shouldn't the second 'well' have a comma beside him too? He looks left out.

either this is a

really off


(shrug) Might I suggest: a really rotten/awful/etc., since 'off' is something I usually see in the narrative instead of dialogue _unless_ it's a professor/wordy-and-smarmy type of character who's talking.

One of the sailors said, �Commander Kraken�s always talked like that.
It�s not a costume, that�s his everyday clothing. He doesn�t have any
super powers either.�


And the DB Humor Mill strikes again. ^_^ It's like you're practically daring the reviewer to say that Kraken's portrayal is too cliched, knowing that it's futile.

Kraken: Cliche? Cliched my arse, laddie. Do _I_ be making fun of yer way of speakin'? Do I whine about yer landlubber words as too humdrum that you all sound like sheep ta me? That's crazy talk. Live and let live.

^^;; Ah. Logic and reason wins again.

�I prefer to think of myself as a purveyor of rare and exclusive goods.
Besides, you speak of the laws of other countries. The rules of mere
landlubbers hold no dominion over Commander Kraken. My home is the ocean
that covers three-quarters of the world, and there the law be survival
of the fittest. I am a law unto myself. And I say, you be the dead one
here. Get him, swabbies!�


Getting into the head of the good Commander such that his logic and motivations are quite laid out for all to see without at all feeling awkwardness discussing such things is... Well, I have no words, really. ^^; 

Daredevil: Let him whine all he wants, it's no excuse for his crimes.

Kraken: Tis not an excuse nor whinin'. Tis an explanation.

The men rushed as a group toward Daredevil. He leapt in the air, a
fishing net he had picked up thrown from the folds of his sleeves. The
men quickly found themselves caught up in the net, which grew tighter as
they struggled against it.


A Chinese Finger Trap-like Fishing Net? Nifty.

�Trying to shoot someone with a sword that shoots electricity proves
you�re a super-villain!� Daredevil shouted.

�No, it proves I�m sneaky and underhanded, just like a proper pirate
should be.�


^^; They're really going to continue to debate about that, aren't they?

�I can anchor me peg leg to just about anything, sort of turning a
debilitating injury into an advantage, don�t you know,� Commander Kraken


It'd be cool if Kraken had a peg leg/pistol in one, like that assassin in Ripley's Believe it or Not.

�Gar, not the old fire extinguisher to the face trick!� The pirate tried
looking through the white mist surrounding him, but could see nothing.


Daredevil: Welcome to my world.

Daredevil�s radar sense tipped him off to Kraken�s heartbeat and
adrenaline increasing, indicating he was about to attack. With a
backhand swing, Daredevil cut off the peg leg that had just started to
rise up off the ground. A laser flashed for a split second before the
concealed weapon was rendered inoperable.


Kraken: I have something even better than a pistol, laddie.

Daredevil: 'Had'... You _had_ something even better than a pistol.

�Damn� pathological liar,� Daredevil hissed out.


Ah. Cool. It's someone who can lie even when the human lie detector Daredevil is around.

�Which he did,� Captain Japan added. �You�ve really got to learn about
this whole group of heroes thing. You cab get a lot more accomplished


Revise: You can get a lot more accomplished

Kraken sneered at the unspoken threat. �Don�t be stupid, you land bound
twit. I know you super heroes don�t go around torturing people for, Agh!�

The flat of the blade met Kraken�s head, a discharge of electrity following.


electricity

Oh, and Kraken? You're speaking to Marvel's closest version of Batman, a guy who had also gone through the grim rewritings of one Frank Miller. He _can_ and _will_ torture you.

placed on the table in front of where the Hard Master had formerly sat,
said its name was Onsokumaru, and announced it had become the new head
of the Hand.


Oh. My. God. You didn't. O_O 

William Shatner: Curse... you, Sommer! CUUURSE... YOOOOOUUUU!!!

(clears throat) Ah, yes. The wtf moment. Or rather, the wtmfs moment. This is definitely a swerve I didn't expect, especially since I was gunning for more dramatic tension promised by what could be a Daredevil-Elektra reunion.

Most of the other lieutenants, like Matsuo, assumed this

was some sort of test, and placidly accepted the situation. However,
this Onsokumaru thing ran things as though it were in charge, and there
was no Hard Master to contradict its whimsical decisions.


Onsokumaru: Nonsense. I am the new HARD MASTER! Wood Man, Hard Man, and Snake Man doesn't have anything on me with my new phallic sounding name!

I'm as curious as they are on how this came to be. 2x2 Shinobuden is something I expect to be used with spamfics, oneshots, joke fics, and a crossover of Azumanga... not Avenging. On the other hand, there's the Chobits chapter....

distract them. The only odd thing about the uniform was the white
headband with the smiley face on it. But even that was appropriate since
the girl called Shinobu seemed perpetually happy.


Shinobu: As same as always, I'm Shinobu. In this wonderful 21st century, how is everybody feeling today? ^-^ <3 <3 <3

Don't forget the fact that the head band acts as a kind of mood ring for Shinobu's feelings. (shakes head in disbelief) This is surreal. A complete 180 from what I anticipated. I'd admittedly love to see how you'll pull this off, though. 

Where Shinobu

was perpetually happy, the taciturn Sasuke was dour and radiated a
healthy amount of anger, which in turn was dwarfed by his barely
retrained sense of power.


I get the feeling that this isn't the same Sasuke in the Shinobuden... not by a long shot. ^^; You've put in a substitute Sasuke to take his place, I suppose? Perhaps from that Naruto series I keep hearing about? :P

�Bless you,� Onsokumaru said.

Shinobu rubbed her nose. �Sorry, I think I sneezed one of my throat
spikes out. Was anyone hit?�

A body fell through the tile and landed on the middle of the table.

�Oh, there it is.� Shinobu removed the poisoned throat dart from body


Revise: throat dart from the body (add 'the' in between 'from body')

This Shinobu of yours is, like, scary. Soujiro-scary. O_o

There was the answer to that question, Matsuo noted silently to himself.
Shinobu was so dangerous that even one of his abilities hadn�t sensed


Suggest: that not even one of his abilities had sensed (sounds better to me)

Onsokumaru slammed a hand (which appeared from his round surface) on to
the table. �Didn�t I order babe recruitment up two hundred percent?�

�It seems most babes want to be models, not assassins,� the man explained.


He _could_ hire one of the rejected Gung Ho Guns... the babe that at least _looked_ the part of an assassin. Granted, she's about as threatening as the Gensomaden Saiyuki gang when it comes to combat, but I digress. It probably won't matter to Onsokumaru anyway, knowing him. ^^

Matsuo answered, �It�s Elektra, Sir. She�s killing the men we keep
sending to kill her.�


Ah. And it's even intertwined to the main story. (blinks) I don't know why it's intertwined with the main story, but it is. This fic is getting an identity crisis on whether it's going to be a drama or a comedy. On the other hand, most people don't know Shinobuden, and it may only be me and my Shinobuden bias at work. ^^;

Shinobu raised her hand and gleefully shouted, �I can kill her,
Onsokumaru-sama!�


O_o

On that note, she has apparently gotten over her pet hawk/Master confusion over Onsokumaru and Onsokumaru + beard.

resisted the urge. No one had expected Youji Kudou, Aya Fujimiya. Ken
Hidaka, or Omi Tsukiono, the so-called �Snakeroot� of the Hand, to show
up at the meeting. They were unquestionably some of the greatest killers
the Hand had ever seen.


Well, whaddyaknow. You're really getting the cameos into this fic wholesale. The White Cross guys.

the weight of the skeleton chipping some of the table surface. �We
couldn�t remove the head. Did you know his entire skeleton is made of
adamantium? Stuff�s fused together, too.�


Awwww. So Wolvie's out of the Avenging picture, becoming canon fodder for the fangirl foursome? For bishonen that you'd love to bash (AFAIK), you sure gave them such a dubious 'honor'.

The youngest, Omi, added, �That Yukio girl that was with him is dead,
too. I found out she was my third cousin, twice removed. Another member
of my family is dead. Soon there won�t be any of them left.� He sighed.


Heh. I was wondering what sort of gimmick he'd be having in your fic.

Youji scoffed. �Nah, I tried it. They start whining and bitching about
size, tempo, and want to be held afterwards, like it�s all about them.
When I sleep with a girl, it�s all about me and my pleasure, not them.
Doing it when they�re dead makes it easier for both of us.


Shiunji (Sexy Losers): You tell 'em like it is, bro!

�It doesn�t?� Aya asked.

�No! It just means I like sleeping with guys! I don�t even like fags.�


It figures that the one who's arguably the 'straightest' of the four would become like this in yer fic. 
 
Ken: (looks at me weirdly) I'm the straightest one of us four and I still am. I only sleep with straight men.

(gets a headache)

�Not really,� Onsokumaru said. �We assumed you�d die like the two
hundred and thirty-five other members of the Hand he�s killed before
you. We only sent you on that mission in the hopes that you�d meet the
same fate as the others. You are insane, after all.�


That actually made sense.

Aya said, �He had just fought and killed two men, one called Creed and
the other called Cyber.


Well, Creed, yeah... but who the hell's Cyber?

The Snakeroot looked warily at one another. Youji said, �I�m not sure I
want to go on any more missions if you�re just sending us to die.�

�I said we were hoping you would die, not that actually dying is part of
the mission. If you don�t want to die, then don�t.�


Onsokumaru: I'm a pimp daddy in this fic, and everybody else is my bitch.

Aya shrugged. �Why not?�


Awwww. And here I was expecting Aya to be on the range of Heero Yuy on comedic styles as his running gag.

�Ohh, you are well informed. How did you know I have a fetish for
urine?� She grasped his groin even tighter.

Atsushi laughed. It appeared it was going to be a good night after all.


Eeeeewww.

(blinks) For good or for ill, this has got to be the most perverted fic of yours that I've ever read, and I've even read Sextacular and Gestalt. From seeing the type of sardonically humorous theme this chapter has set up, this is also the most deprived Avenging chapter yet. Imagine, necrophilia and a urine fetish... What next, scat fetish? (shudders)

...No, this isn't a criticism in part of the fic, just a reaction for my distaste for such things.

Stick thought it was simply difficulty in dealing with a team, but of


Suggest: Adding 'because of' in between 'simply difficulty'

Stick shook her head sadly. �Listen to me, boy, any relationship with
someone named Elektra is bound to end in tragedy. It�s fate. Keep your
distance from her.�


Random thought... Just who will Target--er, I mean Bullseye be? That's an episode worth waitin' for.

almost no walls slowly falling into ruin. A scarecrow of concrete and
steel in a field of urban decay.


Ah. How poetic. Nice to see you mixing up your readable prose with Milton-like stylized prose from time to time.

the structure in a way mere eyes never could. Except for what color it
was, of course.


(closed fist smacks palm) Sou desu ka. So _that's_ why your first ever costume featured yellow sleeves and pants on a one-piece-bikini-like red spandex.

�You�re in rare form,� Elektra congratulated. �I�m going to need those
extra senses of yours.�

�Tell me about Shampoo.�


Aaaaand of course, unless it's raining (if, AFAIK, Movie 'canon' is to be believed), he couldn't really tell if the person he's talking to is Shampoo. OTOH, the only Shampoo he remembers is the six-year-old one...

Irony: (winks and points)

Daredevil wanted to argue, but she was right. For someone with no
super-powers, she handled herself far too well. �What do you want?�


Suggest: superpowers (surprisingly, it doesn't need a hyphen to be correct)

Elektra made no effort to hide her disdain. �Spare me your useless
morality. If it�s any consolation to you these four are killers a
hundred times over, and unlike me, they�re psychotics that enjoy it.


So why not use 'Schwartz' instead of the White Cross if it's psychotics you want?

Omi: And skip the "my family's going extinct because of me and my out-of-place angst" jokes? Don't be such a spoilsport.

her, Elektra remained crouched behind the wall, her sais drawn and at
the ready.


Nitpick: Has the word 'sai' been adopted in the English language such that 'sais' would be its correct plural form (Japanese words don't have plural forms, after all)? Or is this another case of what writers call as 'creative license'?

�Why did you do that?� Daredevil snapped.

�So you�d have no choice but to help me. Now it�s kill or be killed.
Besides, I�d rather know when and where they�re going to try to kill me.
It makes a confrontation easier.�


Sneaky, but of course she is a professional.

Daredevil felt Ken�s heartbeat triple, well beyond how excited he had
been during the fight. �Did you just imply I�m a fag?� He pushed harder
on the claws, making Daredevil cry out in pain.

�He was just swearing at you, not impugning your sexuality,� Aya said in
a tired voice.


Tom Cruise: He was sooo not! The blind guy was sooo questioning his masculinity! I know... I've been there. THRUST ON HIM DEEPER, KEN!

Ken: ~_O

 From above, Omi shouted, �Wait, ask him if he�s related to anyone named
Omi Tsukiono.�


Isn't it supposed to be, "Mamoru Taketori" (his real name) instead of "Omi Tsukiono" (his adopted name)?

�No way! You�ll try and kill him, and he�s mine to kill for calling me gay!�

�He didn�t say you were gay,� Aya repeated in a tired voice.


Ah, so Aya's the straight man of the four.

Ken: NO! _I'm_ the straight man of us four! Besides, Aya's a girl's name. (preens, sticks his tongue out at Aya)

Aya: =_=

went flying to the side. Or more correctly, half of it, as he saw, to
his horror, that someone had unscrewed the cue, making it two missiles.
Having thrown them so closely together and perfectly in line, Aya had
mistaken it for only one.


Aoshi Shinimori: I cry foul. That's copyright infringement over special techniques.

Elektra smirked. �There is nothing I didn�t know about her. We might as
well have been one with how close we were. Tell me something. Do you
feel personal guilt when an earthquake hits, or a ship sinks, or how
people due from starving in Bangladesh?�


people die due from starving in Bangladesh?"

�Of course not.�


Elektra: Listen carefully, then. There's a lesson to be learned here.

But instead you wander aimlessly about on a Quixotic quest, wasting
everything she had wished for you to have. And you say I�m heartless?


To hear such poetry of words from Shampoo is surreal.

Elektra nodded. The crone was good, and the assassin had the terrible
feeling that under these conditions, she was outclassed even more badly
than she had been against th4e Snakeroot.


the Snakeroot

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[End fic]

Just how surreal is this fic? It's Salvador Dali on prose, man.

Hokay, some people have called you (in not so many words), one sick puppy, and I am to concur with them not because of this chapter's use of the themes of necrophilia, homophobia, or the family-killing-philia, or the 'I never had the chance to have a gimmick, so I became the straight man"-philia, or the urine fetish...

...It's because of the 2x2 Shinobuden crossover and the fact that Onsokumaru has been unleashed into one of your fics. Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick! (OTOH, I'm glad he wasn't unleashed into Sextacular)

I was expecting dramatic content, and I got it. I wasn't expecting craziness aside from the usual tongue-in-cheek humor your fics intrinsically has, but the craziness was there anyway. I'm not really sure if the dramatic parts and Onsoku-freakin'-maru meshed well, but I neither do I care. Bottom line? If this chapter were untagged and the author and title parts were stripped from it, I'd still be able to tell that this, without a doubt, is a DB Sommer fic (the same way I'd take one look at an anime and tell whether it's a 'Gainax' or not). And I'll leave it at that. :P Is the comment in any way good or bad? Hah! You decide.

(shakes head) In any case, not too many spelling and grammar errors this time. I couldn't tell how the prose flowed, I was too concentrated on the content. As such, blah blah blah, I'll be looking forward/dreading future installments of Avenging from now on. ;P Abdiel out.