Thanks for your c&c. I am again using all of the corrections and suggestions
unless  otherwise noted below.

On 6/13/05, rgorman@telusplanet.net <rgorman@telusplanet.net> wrote:

Quoting Loki-L <loki.laufeyjarson.ffml@gmail.com>:

Not long after the girl had disappeared in one of the upper story
windows

windows,

with an elegant leap another figure emerged from the castle-gate
beneath.

Shouldn't the comma come after leap? It is the girl afterall that does the
leaping and not the other figure and if I put a comma after windows it
reads a bit misleading to me.

As the person came near it became clear that he too was exactly the
way
Ichiro had described him.

As the person approached, it became clear he too was exactly as
Ichiro had described.

I used approached but kept the rest even if it was a bit wordy.

What if he

tried to
address the prince and insulted him by accident? Better to speak
Japanese
then instead of messing up. And what should he do? Bowing down
would again
be the Japanese way, but Europeans bowed too, didn't they?

Bowing would be a safe choice.

Probably. The scene was mostly just supposed to show how nervous
he was.
 

             Sir Kuno's arrival at the Castle of Maidens


Kodachi was shifting in her seat trying not to be to obvious about
it. It
really would not do to look as embarrassingly uncomfortable as the
Tendou
girl sitting next to her who kept squirming around and flinching
every
time she put some weight on her behind.

Of course all that wiggling around and bouncing sure is bound to be
eyecatching.

I am sure that the 'prince' is apreciating the view.

It was really unbecoming of her. If she could not stand the mild
discomfort in the aftermath Akane simply should not have
participated in
baiting the stuffy nun. She should endure the slight pains and
embrace
them as part of the overall experience which Kodachi knew Akane
had
enjoyed.

The prince who was sitting opposite them would be well aware of
what had
transpired during their session with the nun and he was bound to
judge
them by their reactions.

Kodachi tried to project an aura of dignified attrition while
maintaining
a general air of spirited playfulness.

The prince liked strong-willed girls according to Akane. But on the
other
hand he seemed to enjoy having his servants dress and act very
submissively. This suggested to Kodachi that he liked strong-willed
women
because he enjoyed making them submit.

Based on what she knows, very logical.

This Kodachi has no problem with logic. She can logically build from
flawed assumptions and can take misunderstandings to their ultimate
logical conclusion. Kodachi is a bit crazy, but not really stupid. And this
time it is not even really very much her fault that she ends up at the
wrong conclusions.

Kodachi only knew that she would have to participate far more
actively in
Akane's training sessions in the future if she wanted to keep from
ballooning, congealing or simply dying of heart-failure.

Well, she could always start actually sparring with Akane.  Akane's
decrease in effective strength means Kodachi will be a real challenge
for her.

I might write something along those lines in a future chapter.

Being girls they would not understand that Ranma had only been
motivated
by good intentions.

extensive recap of the whole story to date deleted.  I recommend you
do the same, when you collect all these chapters together.
If people need their memories refreshed they can just go back and read
the chapters.

Yes, I probably will cut the entire recap. It will make the chapter even shorter
than it already is, but perhaps I can add something about Ranma disposing
of Kunou to make up for it.

 

Ranma could not allow himself to use any of his special moves. He
could
use no 'Hiryuu Shouten Ha' or 'Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken' to give
himself
away as somebody trained in secret amazon techniques.

Of course Ranma never uses that kind of stuff on Kuno.  It would be
overkill.  Fanfic authors tend to overdo the use of such things
because it saves them having to write a real fight scene.

Right Ranma does not use his special moves that often and Kunou
might have been an unexpected challenge when Ranma first came
to Nerima, but at the end of the series there was no was that he could
give Ranma pause unless watermelons are involved.

But with all his handicaps it might have been nice to know for Ranma
that he could use them if he really had to.

or
fight with one to recognize his style. Ranma also had to admit that
he was
not nearly as good with weapons as he was unarmed another thing
that would
hopefully help to keep the girls from recognizing him.

Moving slowly and keeping to the ground instead of revealing his
speed and
mastery of aerial combat Ranma advanced on his enemy.

As he held the sword in front of himself he got his first good look
on the

blade he had taken from the wall of the dining room. It had been a
part of
the decoration and on closer inspection turned out to be
completely
blunted. A good thing in a decoration that was just supposed to
lend a bit
of atmosphere to a room, but a distinctive disadvantage in a
weapon.

This was bad.

Nonsense.  Given that Ranma isn't going to want to cut Kunou,
he's no worse off than he'd be with a sharp blade.  Kunou will
treat him equally seriously either way.  On the whole having a blunt
edge is an advantage for Ranma because it means he doesn't have to be
quite so careful.

The point here was mostly that Ranma has accidentally escalated the fight
to a level he did not intend it to go. Kunou might not hold back against
Ranma, but he will treat an unknown enemy with what he thinks is a
lethal weapon differently than he would his nemesis Saotome.

Not that Ranma actually wanted to cut or slash Kunou, but the
kendonist
would think that Ranma had a real blade and fight accordingly. The
Blue
Thunder was an idiot, but he did know a thing or two about
sword-fighting.

Ranma's opponent had stopped sprouting poetry and insults and was
now
concentrating on a fight with what he assumed to be a deadly
opponent.

Could Ranma somehow manage to beat Kunou without getting himself or
his
opponent badly hurt or his identity revealed?

It would be a challenge, and Ranma Saotome never backed down from
a
challenge!

With a cry Tatewaki struck the first blow. Ranma parried only

parried,

realizing
too late his opponents intention. Steel met wood in a splintering
crash
and Kunou twisted his blade in an elaborate gesture. Had Ranma been
using
a real blade at this point it would have stuck in Kunou's wooden
sword and
the twist would have wrenched it out of Ranma's hand disarming him
easily.

Neither of them expected Ranma's sword to bounce of Kunou's
splintered
weapon like that and turn with the added momentum of Kunou's twist
directly towards his head.

                             * **  ***  ** *

From the balcony Akane and Kodachi watched in awe as Kodachi's
brother
passed out after the prince struck a single blow with the flat of
his
blade. It happened very fast -- a crash, a hollow 'THUNK' and
Tatewaki
laid sprawled in the courtyard.

OK, that's got to be worrisome for Akane.  The thing I'd be doing
if I was her is asking "We're going to be fighting bare-handed, right?"

That is a good point. I had not given Akane's reaction much thought, but
this new demonstration of just how good a fighter the prince is should
get some reaction from her even if it is just stuborn denial.

That's a lovely way to defeat Kuno, by the way.  It gives him due
credit for his ability and explains exactly how he could be so easily
defeated, increasing Masque de la Fer's even more.  Perhaps the thing
that impresses me most about your series is how much respect you show
for the characters, considering the nature of the story.  Apart from
that, your spelling seems to be noticeably improving.

Thanks.

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