Responses to Jon Rosebaugh and Lurker within...


From: "Jon Rosebaugh" <fanfic@inklesspen.com>

Steven Scott wrote:

 "Yeh, eru'oy ekawa!" he said, but Sakura didn't understand him.
It sounded like English, and she didn't know much of that.  He 
stepped
into the room, and said something else.  "Driew emutsoc.  Era uoy a
Repus?"

It wasn't until the end of the chapter that I figured out you were 
just spelling things backwards. I understand that you want to 
represent foreignness, but that's hardly the way to go about it, 
because what Dash is saying here _doesn't_ sound like English. Try 
instead spelling it out phonetically... "Hay, uuure awek!" or some 
such. That will present some foreignness, without being just plain 
weird.

I like the idea of spelling phonetically, though I'm tempted to just put 
his speech in normal English now. (phonetic speech may make him sound 
drunk or something, and a drunk kid running at a high velocity is a 
recipe for instant disaster, so I'd have to test it out) I had thought 
the backwards writing was perfectly readable... but I'll get back to 
that later.




From: "The Eternal Lost Lurker" <lurkerdrome@sbcglobal.net>

 She'd tried to use the Firey card.  Firey's flames might have
been enough to get rid of the water, but the card had refused to
respond.

Something I didn't notice before--the logic here is a little twisted. 
A
little thing called "elemental affinity mismatch" ring any bells?

I think that's what she does in the real episode. (and yeah, it is a 
little off. Everyone knows it's Bolt against Water, Fire is for Ice. 
Even if it means electrocuting Tomoyo)

 She'd tried to get rid
of them, but her first hunch - the Shadow card

This also doesn't make sense. Using Shadow to defeat Shadow? Sakura's
generally smarter than that.

Help, I'm not as smart as a ten year old.
It never even occurred to me before that Sakura would probably 
immediately reach for The Light or something.
Guess I was thinking she might use The Shadow to try to control or 
dispel them, but The Light would be a better first hunch.

Woh gnibrutsid.

Continuing what I was saying to Jon, I never realised how annoying that 
is to read when *you're not the author and you don't already know what 
it says.*
I'll change them. That is a bitch to read.

I am REALLY glad I didn't go for anagrams like I originally considered. 
That would have just been Dumb.

 She looked like she was in her early teens, thirteen or so.  Her
hair was pink and tied up into a pair of odangos that were covered in

Odango. (No 's' to pluralise Japanese words, please)

Gotcha

Well, thanks for reading. C&C and reviews are always appreciated,
especially since this part was something of a grind. This is exactly 
the
kind of non-actiony drama that I don't usually write.

You did rather well, though. Splendid. ^_^

Well that's a relief.

Dash Parr (The Incredibles): Youngest child of a superhero family, 
Dash

Nitpick...he's not the YOUNGEST. You forgot about the baby. :P

Come on! The baby wasn't there for nine tenths of the movie! ;)

Anita King (Read or Die: The TV): As the eldest of the children at 
the

Actually, it's just R.O.D, not Read or Die. :P

Yeah, I got the first DVD today, and realised the mistake.
Drake's from R.O.D. the TV too, for all the difference that makes.

Since the "Hsilgne" text is quite common in this chapter, I'll probably 
repost the fic to the FFML later. Thanks for comments.

"I'm cold, and there are wolves after me."
GKScotty - steven@imdanet.com
Visit the Groening Fanworks Central at http://www.simpworks.com 



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