Subject: [FFML] [c&c] [r.5] [gantz] Gantz 1/2 Prologue and Chapter 1
From: Chester Castaneda
Date: 5/20/2005, 1:47 PM
To: ffml@anifics.com
CC: kinai@mixmail.com

 
 


		
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Y'know you got too much time on your hands when...

Anyway, I'll be replying to both your prologue and your actual fanfic (which, IMO, need not be separated into two messages) in one go. Oh, and fix those smart quotes and special characters littered around your fic. Thank you.

kinai@mixmail.com wrote:


Disclaimers:
- Ranma belongs to Rumiko Takahashi
- Gantz belongs to Oku Hiroya Works.

Hmmm. Never heard of the series. I'm a bit wary. (googles the series up, comes up with several summaries in the Anime News Network) Here's a little cut-and-paste of the series synopsis, pasted here so as to clarify my wary and worrisome before-I-C&C-the-actual-content-of-the-fic comments:

Anime Summary: Kei Kurono is a typical high school student in a selfish world, not caring about anyone other than himself. However when, by chance, he was forced to help out his childhood friend, Katou Masaru, rescue a drunkard who fell into subway tracks, both he and Katou were killed... Or not. After being run over by the train, they were suddenly teleported to an enclosed apartment with others who recently died. And now their lives are controlled by a mysterious black ball inside the apartment called GANTZ, and they are forced to participate in a "game" of unprecedented danger and horror.

Manga Summary: Somewhere in Tokyo, there is a room. In that room is a black sphere. Periodically, people who should otherwise have died are transferred to the room. There, the sphere gives them special suits and weapons, and sends them out on a mission to kill aliens here on Earth. While these missions take place, the rest of the world is largely oblivious to them. These missions are lethal - few participants survive them. The sphere calls the shots, and it's not the slightest bit nice. It's name... Gantz.

...Alrighty then. Now that _that's_ out in the open, here's my two cents on the matter: As a general rule, 90% of anything crossed over with Ranma will generally suck and won't work. It's either the tone of the series crossed over with Ranma is so alien to Ranma that the fic will alienate many of the readers who expected a bit more of Ranma 1/2 action/comedy. Yes, even though fanfiction Ranma has lately been more dramatic, serious, gritty and closer to real life than the canon source, there are just times when crossing fanfiction Ranma with an equally dramatic, serious, gritty and real series won't work. Lots of complications arise. OTOH, lots of people love this type of "The only thing resembling Ranma in this fic are the character names" fic. Now _I'll_ probably not love it, but hey, I'll try to keep it objective. Maybe you'll surprise me and prove me wrong in my initial assessment. I doubt it though, especially with Gantz sort of 'the main character leaves his normal life to join an Alien Killing Organization.' My pet peeve? The 'leaves his normal life' part, of course. The solution? Hopefully Ranma is still very much Ranma in this fic, and not just cliche and angsty anime hero with issues that happens to have martial art techniques from Musabetsu Kakutou Ryu and the Joketsoku.

- This story is made for fun and is meant for the enjoyment of the fans.
- I have to thank Joshuua Richardson for preread the prologue. 

I could be wrong, but shouldn't his name be spelled, "Joshua Richardson"? :)

- Please C&C.

Ask and ye shall receive.

The first time was after Genma left me behind after I was betrothed with 
Ranma.
Then I had to renounce to my feminity.

femininity

The second time was after the ?failed wedding? of Ranma and Akane.
Then I had to renounce to a normal life. 

Like he had a normal life to begin with...
      
----------------------------------------- GANTZ � : Prologue.   

I helped to sabotage the wedding mainly because I had fear of losing 
Ranma. 
A few days later I began to fear that trying not to lose a husband, perhaps 
I had lost a friend. 
The truth was that since the ?wedding? I hadn?t seen to Ranma again . 

Your 'prologue of the prologue' here has some funky, inconsistent formatting. Find a way to fix that, so the formatting will look as good as the paragraphs below. 
   
That day I decided to go out to take a walk after I closed the Uchan?s.

(shrug) Not sure, but should it be, "Ucchan's"?

Was Ranma angry that I obstructed his wedding?

'Obstructed' sounds a bit much for character thought. It belongs in narrative prose, but not in dialogue/mental monologue. I suggest using a simpler word that people actually use in thought or conversation.

I didn?t think so. It was 
impossible that he really desired to get married. 

Same with 'desired'. Suggest changing it into 'want'. Does Ukyo fancy herself a poet? I think not.

But that wasn?t important, 
was it? The important thing was: Did he really love Akane? It was 
impossible. Right? And was it true about what happened in China? If it 
was, god, if it was, then, then? but it couldn?t be true. Besides it didn?t 
mean anything. Ranchan would have done the same for me, or Shampoo, 
right? 

Joem: (nods sagely) Any one of the fiancees could have been in that life or death situation, and Ranma would have said those words to any one of them.
 

Meanwhile I continued walking down the streets ignoring everything around 
me.
Then I heard the sound of the brakes. When I turned, I saw the car that 
was heading directly towards me.
The impact raised me off the soil. I struck my head on the windshield and I 
heard as my neck cracked.

Er, for someone who currently getting hit by a car, she sure is very particular and clinical in describing to the reader what part of her body was currently getting mangled, as opposed to having repeated thoughts of panic and "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit..."

I lost all sense in the rest of my body for what I 
didn?t feel anything when I landed brutally in the asphalt.
The last thing that I could see was the car running away and a puddle of 
my own blood.

'Well... this sucks,' Ukyo thought.

Then.

The darkness. 

The Darkness: (pulls a man's skeleton from out of the very same man's nostrils)

I suggest dropping the prologue thing altogether and segueing it in the first chapter. As a standalone prologue, it's too short and the only thing that really happened is that Ukyo got hit by a car and then awkward cliffhanger. Then there's you asking for C&C. What will people tell you, exactly? "Uh, so Ukyo died..." then awkward silence punctuated by, "...."? Just combine it to the chapter, separating this 'shock value' prologue suspiciously looks like a plea for extra, separate feedback. If you really want to keep this prologue, how about fleshing it out a bit more?

Now, on to the actual fic...

Have you ever thought that it should happen when you die? Probably you 
belong to those who believe that a hooded skeleton will come with a 
scythe, to taking you to the other life. 

Er, who exactly thinks that? Goths, I suppose?

Goth: Death's a robed skeleton man with a scythe. Wicked.

Personally I would prefer meeting a 
girl dressed in a pretty kimono and sat on a broom.

Botan: (blushies)

Kuchiki: What about a girl in black Sengoku garments and a sword? 

Ichigo: Oh, and a moth.

Kuchiki: It's a black butterfly, you jackass!

What I never imagined is that I was going to appear in a typical room of 
apartment. 

"a typical room of an apartment"

Oh, and it's a good thing Ukyo's the 'chosen one' of the Gantz, instead of the obvious one, Ranma. 

The surprise did that I got up so sharply that I felt lightly sick.

"The surprise did that I got up so sharply that I felt lightly sick" sounds wrong, as if the sentence wasn't complete.

While my head was clearing up, I realized that I had sensibility again in all 
my body and that my neck was perfectly.

Her neck was perfectly what?

Suggest: "As I regained my senses, I realized something shocking. My body and my neck were uninjured."

Again, though Ukyo's the narrator of this fic, her innermost thoughts sound like their trying to impress the reader too much with needlessly complex and pedantic word structures. This compromises a reader's suspension of disbelief. 

Suggest simplifying it, so that Ukyo's 'voice' and personality while talking in first person would still shine through. Because as of now, she simply talks too unintentionally funny and awkwardly for the reader to take her seriously. 

" Have you also been on the verge of dying? "

I turned to discover the one who had done to me so surprising question.

O_o Well, _there's_ a very Dr. Thinker sentence if I ever saw one. No offense if the answer's no, but is English your second language? 

This one turned out to be a man of medium age

'Medium' refers to size in according to mass, not numbers. So I'm guessing you meant 'middle' age.

Suggest: He turned out to be a middle-aged man

with glasses who seemed 

with glasses which seemed (because 'who' refers to people, 'which' refers to things)

to me to be slightly familiar. Also I could observe that we were not alone. 

Suggest: I also noticed that we weren't alone.

In the room there was at least another five � six persons in addition to a

replace '�' with 'to' or 'or'
 
dog. Nevertheless what more was attracting my attention was a black 
sphere of, approximately, meter and a half of diameter

Suggest: But what really caught my attention was a black sphere that, though I'm no math expert and I'm only guessing, was about a meter and half in diameter.

Yeah, the sentence was basically a re-write, but it serves two purposes: to correct your grammar and to make sound like something Ukyo would think.

"Where am I? " It was the only thing that I managed to say.

There's an extra space between the question mark and the last quotation mark.

"Well the same man answered "we are not sure of it yet."

Suggest: "Well," the same man answered, "we are not sure of it yet."

A man of white hair who was dressing a pyjamas, sighed tiredly.

Suggest: A white-haired man dressed in pyjamas sighed tiredly.

" I have already said it to you. We are dead. "

Extra spaces between the two ends of the sentence and the quotation marks. Suggest fixing that. Also, suggest revising the awkward sounding sentence with:

"I already told you. We're dead."

The man with glasses looked at him as who had heard the same response 
too many times.

Suggest: The bespectacled man looked at him as if he had heard the response for too many times.

But I was breathing and my heart was beating.

(snrk)I'm sorry, but that has to be one of the most unintentionally funny lines I've ever read. In any case, suggest dropping the whole line, because, let's face, she's stating the obvious. I guess what you really intended to show the readers is Ukyo's shock at finding herself still alive after being hit by a car or truck, so I'd instead suggest:

"Hypothesis?! What the hell are they talking about? I nearly died! But look at me now... I'm still breathing, my heart is still beating, it's a miracle. But how...?

...Or something like that. 

Hypothesis! Why were they 
all so calm if they had been on the verge of dying? Why were not they 
trying to go out, to open the doors, to shout, anything?


I went towards the crystal door. But before arraiving, a hand in my shoulder stopped me

Suggest: Change "arraiving" to "arriving". Oh, and it's hand "on" her shoulder, not "in".

I turned towards my speaker, separating violently the hand.

O_o Again with the Dr. Thinker-like sentences.

" And you as you know it? "
" Because we have already tried it. "

I observe him thoroughly.

Suggest: "I observed him thoroughly", since your fic is in past tense.

Higher than the average,

Suggest: Taller than most people,

he was dressing

he was dressed in

a uniform of school

school uniform

...My second question is that if English really is your second language, then was this fic translated from your native language to English by Babel Fish? Because, for good or for ill, that's how it sounds to me.

and was 
taking his long black hair brushed backward. In general he did not seem to 
be much older than me.

Suggest: He didn't seem to be much older than me (get rid of the 'in general')

" And who are you? "
" I am Masaru Kat� "
" And how is it that you are here? " I asked sarcastically.

Suggest: "And how'd you get here?"

" My friend and I were knocked down by a train "

Ukyo: (eyebrow raised) "Knocked down"? I didn't know trains had a tendency to knock people down. 

Masaru: (shrug) Understatement.

" Jackass. This was your fault "

(sigh) It's the return of the catchphrase/characterization substitution.

Also, I'm no Ukyo characterization expert, but I really don't think that she would react that way. Hell, it could be anyone saying that line and I still only reserve that sort of reaction to the most vile, despicable and coldhearted persons on the planet. That, or to people who just underwent Milgram's experiment.

"Wow. You got hit by a train. It's your fault, jackass." A more believable statement from Ukyo would be, "You expect me to believe that you got hit by a train and then come back without a scratch on you? Stop bullshitting, you jackass."

It's simple. Disbelief over Masaru getting hit by train is a far more believable reaction than calling Masaru stupid by getting hit by a train and still surviving.


This was the acid response of the seated young man next to him. Kat�, on 
having heard it, lower his head.

lowered his head.

" You are right Kei. I was glad so much that you were helping me that I did 
not think in any more "

-_- I am not going to make "All your base" jokes. I am not going to make "All your base" jokes...

Suggest: You're right, Kei. I'm so glad that you helped me. (I have no idea what to do with "I did not think in any more" in terms of revising it)

Kei was lower than Kat�.

I think you meant, "Kei's head went lower than Kato's" or "Kei's bowed his head lower than Kato's."

Tufts of dark hair were falling down to him for 
his face; 

Suggest: "Tufts of dark hair fell on his face" or "Tufts of dark hair fell on his forehead" or "Tufts of dark hair fell on his face, covering his eyes"

he was dressed in a very similar uniform.

Why not just say outright, "Kei was dressed in the same uniform as Kato"?

It was in this moment when the man of glasses approached me.

Suggest: It was at this moment that the bespectacled man approached me.

" Yes. I am Ukyo. and you are...? "

And you are...?

" Masashi Yamada. I am employed as teacher at Nerima and have gone 
sometimes to eat to your restaurant ".

Suggest: "Masashi Yamada. I'm a teacher at Nerima. I sometimes get a bite to eat at your restaurant. Your okonomiyaki are delicious." (I suggest the last sentence to, y'know, add a bit of 'human interest' to your 'man of glasses'. He speaks so robotically, and not in the 'well-characterized, distant and aloof' sort of way.


So that was the reason why I knew it.  Anyhow his aspect was so 
anodyne

"His aspect was anodyne", you say. Hmmm. Deep words, fic. What do they mean?

I turned towards those who were seated around the black sphere.

" Well, boys. I believe that it is a good moment to do the presentations "

Suggest: Replace "introductions" with "presentations". Oh, and suggest revising the sentence into: "Well, boys... and girls. I believe that this is a good moment as any to make our introductions."

The man of white hair rested against the wall.

" I am Gor� Suzuki. I think that you all know me "

Ukyo: Then you have another think coming, 'coz I don't know who the hell you are!

Fic: (whispers) Now say catchphrase!

Ukyo: (rolls eyes) ...jackass.


The truth is that I had not realized till then; but as soon as I heard his name 
I recognized it.
He was a quite important politician who had appeared multiple times in the 
mass media.

*_*

Suggest: "The truth is that I didn't realize it till then that he was right. I did recognize this person's name. From what I remember, he was suppose to be this big time, hot shot politician who has appeared quite a few times on the radio and on T.V. I wonder what's he doing here..."

(Again, the extra sentence at the end is yet just another suggestion of mine to 'spice up' your prose a bit, so people don't get bored/cross-eyed/amused when they're not supposed to be amused/confused when they read your fic).


The young man who was next to him pushed his long fringe.

Ukyo: I've seen longer. 

No way. I'll pass.

Ukyo: Ranma may not have the longest "fringe" in Japan, but he's still number one in my heart! Plus he has a cute butt--I didn't just say out loud what I think I just said out loud, did I?


As if this was a game! Perhaps was this idiot thinking that we were doing 
it for fun?

Suggest: "What does he think this is, a game? Did this idiot honestly think that we were doing this for fun?"

Ukyo: ...Er, what _are_ we doing?

Kato: Pushing fringes.

Ukyo: I don't have no frickin' fringe!


"Has anybody a cigarette?"

Suggest: "Does anybody have a cigarette?"

Without notice him I concentrated on the young man who had remained sat 
in the corner.

...I'm sorry, but I have no suggestions. Or words. I have no idea what you're trying to say here.

"I am Ichir� Nishij� and I fell down for an abyss"

Suggest: "I am Ichiro Nishijo, and I fell down from the abyss."

Ukyo: (smiles a fake smile, then says to herself "Iwannagetoutofhere" without breaking her forced grin)

When our looks crossed I felt an involuntary shiver and turned towards the 
other side of the sphere.

Ukyo: I'm in geek hell. Or maybe it's 'hot babe' hell, while it's geek heaven for these guys. (thinks)

Kei: ...Wait, you're a girl?!

Where there were two mastodons of short hair 
and few words.

Mastodons. Of course. Nothing says "quality fic" like two short-haired mastodons.

"We are Yakuza. End"

What

(shakes head) This has got to be the most surreal fic I've ever read... and to think, I write the dream-filled world of Shonen... (/plug) 

Or is this how weird Gantz really is as a series? This fic makes me want avoid the Gantz anime/manga.

I have no idea what's going on. It's either the fic, a.) sucks; b.) is lost in translation; c.) is following the canon of the Gantz manga/anime, so it's actually Gantz that sucks; d.) the mastodon, yakuza and the 'end' statement is an elaborate secret message that, when deciphered, says, "This is all an elaborate joke, a parody of Dr. Thinker fics. Have nice day!"

...Okay, so I was mostly gunning... hoping against hope, even... for letter D.


Genial

Ah

...Okay, kidding aside, the 'End' word, the 'mastodons' and the out of place 'Genial' word here may all be just 'in progress' sentences, phrases and words that the author forgot to finish/edit before submitting this fic to the FFML. As such, it need not be said that these things should be fixed and fixed pronto. 

Or, on the other hand, it could all be intentional... I couldn't imagine why though. Maybe the author wanted to show how crazy Ichiro is. Or maybe it's the work of that crazy Gantz ball thing. I have no idea. Well, it confused the hell out of me whether or not Ichiro said that he was a man of few words and two short-haired mastodons for pets. Please do something about clarifying that, Mr. Author. 

The dog barked.

The tumbleweed tumbled. The rooster crowed. The mastodons played tug of war with their trunks. All was not well at the McDonald farm.

As if it wanted to take part in the presentations.

Who? The mastodons? Or will a t-rex be making an appearance this time?

Since nobody seemed to want to say anything more,

Their silence must have been unnerving. But I can't really blame them. This is a very valid and called-for reaction for such a traumatizing event.

except the blond one 
who continued asking for a cigarette, 

blond one: Fuck the mastodons and the crazy guy who thinks he's yakuza and the End is near. Fuck being 'genial.' I just want a fucking cigarette.

I sat down in front of the crystal 
door. 

Good idea, Ukyo! Go break that door down and get away from those loons! After going through the weirdness of seeing a so-called Yazuka gang member ride two mastodons at the same time while declaring that it's the 'End', I couldn't blame her.

I put the arms about my legs and supported the chin in the knees.

Ukyo: It's the new wrestling submission move I've just created! The Okonomiyaki Summer! 

I had gone out to go for a walk to think.

(winks) Sure you did, Ukyo. 'go out for a walk', you say.

Ukyo: (once she's out, makes a run for it)

And after being knocked down, I 
was enclosed in an apartment. Was not it genial? At least now I had time to 
think. To think. To think in that? In going out of here? Apparently it was

Oh. So she's replaying the events that happened prior to her waking up in the 'Gantz' room. Well, why didn't you clarify that, fic? Suggest: Making it clear that Ukyo was thinking back to what happened. This scene/mental monologue was not segued properly.

So I suggest replacing the whole paragraph with, "I couldn't remember much about what had happened before I woke up in this room with all these strange people. I remember going out for a walk to think. Then there was this vehicle that hit me. I remember my neck breaking. I remember the blood. I remember being scared. Shouldn't I already be dead? What the hell is going here?"

I also suggest shifting to present tense for Ukyo's first person narrative. It's hard as hell to not sound awkward while using first person past tense narratives, in my opinion.
 
impossible. In my problems? When I didnt even know if I would return to my

When I didn't...
 
"Uhaaa!"

On having raised the head, I discovered that it had originated the scream of 
surprise of Kei.

Suggest: After raising my head, I discovered that the scream came from Kei. He had yelped out in surprise, apparently.

Or: I raised my head and turned it towards the origin of the scream... towards a very surprised Kei.

A feminine body was appearing in front of him.

Kei: What's a girl doing here?! I thought this club was for men only! We're He-man women haters, right, buddy? (nudges Ukyo)

Ukyo: -_-

Three beams originating 
>from the sphere, were constructing it, layer to layer. Which was allowing 
to see all his internal organs.

Suggest: The sphere emitted three beams that, strangely enough, pieced together the female body layer by layer. From the inside out, apparently, as everybody in the room were treated to a view of the body's internal organs. It was kind of gross, truth be told.

...But of course, I have no idea what you're saying in that sentence, so it's really up to you how you're going to revise this. The fact that I can't make heads or tails out of this sentence means that it really does need revising.

When the process completed the beams disappeared, and the body fell 
down in the arms of Kei; that had remained astonished.
While he reacted, Masashi, the blond one and I approach.

He 'reacted', all right. So how'd he react?

I had to admit that the girl was more attractive than me. 

Ukyo: ...Seeing her insides aside, she's pretty cute.

chestnut-colored 
hair brushed of a way similar to Kei,

brushed in a way similar to Kei,

small nose and mouth;  but her big 
breasts were the most emphasized of her physiognomy.
She was sat with the closed eyes and his left arm rested on the shoulder 
of Kei.

Suggest: She sat closed-eyed while her left arm rested on Kei's shoulder.

This one finally got over to his initial surprise and embraced the naked 
body of the girl.

Suggest: Kei finally...

"Can we know what are you doing?"

Suggest: "What the hell are you doing?"

Kei: Cuddling. I thought girls loved to cuddle.

My question made that he blushed and gave up her.

"Why do you put this face of dickhead?" the blond one asked.

Somebody give the blond a cigarette... Hell, make it a Cuban cigar while we're at it. He doesn't know what he's saying.

"I do not believe that you had made it better" I answered him.

Ukyo: What in the blue hell are you talking about, 'dickhead'?

(ahem) Seriously, I would suggest: "You're not making things any better."

Kat� was the first one in discover that had happened to the girl.

"She has blood in her wrists."

Ukyo: Well, whoop-dee-do. So do I.

Suggest: "She has blood on her wrists" or "Her wrists are bleeding"

The teacher Yamada remained thoughtful.

Ukyo: Well, aren't you going to say something?

Yamada: The vision of mastodons and a girl appearing her one organ at a time has left me mostly speechless, I'm afraid.

"Will the veins have been cut?"

Suggest: "Were the veins cut?" or "Were her wrists slit?"

"Nevertheless she does not have any wound."

Suggest: "She doesn't appear to have any wounds or cuts on her."

In this moment the girl opened the eyes and looked around her. Meanwhile

Suggest: "At that moment, the girl..."
 
she was separating of Kei she asked:

Suggest: "She jumped out of Kei's arms and asked,"

Gee, why didn't Ukyo react the same way as did girl did? 

"Where am I? Who are you?"

And she laid down

I am not sure, but I think it's supposed to be, "She lay down"

 in the floor with the hands crossed over her belly. As if 
she was resting after a great physical effort.

"Are she thinking that is dreaming?" Kei commented.

Suggest: "Does she think that this is all a dream?" or "Does she think that she's dreaming?"


This would explain because she was showing less decency than Ranma 
when he was transforming in girl.

Eyng? Why? Was she naked? If she was, why wasn't this pointed out? For all I now, the beams have given her clothes, since the Gantz apparently has the power to transport things and people. More to the point, didn't Ukyo appear in the room the same way the girl did? So was she also naked? Was she dressed up before she woke up? The story should make this clear on the first go, or else you'll have some very, very confused readers, fic. And this is ignoring the fact that this fic might as well be written in Japanese, 'coz I couldn't understand what it's saying half of the time.


This thought made me smile.

Why?

Ukyo: Well, it's the weirdest thing. My train of thought was like this... It went from "Ranma doesn't have any feminine decency" and "Ranma usually doesn't care whether or not he's topless when he's a she," to "Topless Ranma." Then the smile just came. I couldn't help but smile whenever I think of a topless Ranma. ^_^

In this moment one of the Yakuza separated me aside of a push, seized the 
girl of the arm and forced her to get up.

Suggest: "One of the yakuza pushed me aside, seized the arm of the girl and forced her to get up."

"It will be better if you do not intervene"

Suggest: "Keep out of this", since it sounds more Yakuza-like.

But what is this guy thinking about? What could he carry her by the force?  

Suggest: What the hell was this guy thinking? Is he honestly going to drag her out by force?

I get his arm and oblige him to turn around.  

Suggest: I grabbed his arm and forced him to turn around.

"What are you going to do with her?"

Suggest: "What do you think you're doing to her?"

"Move away. If you won't be sorry about it."

Suggest: "Move away, or you'll be sorry." or "Move the fuck away or you'll be sorry" to keep with the Yakuza tone.

"It will be better than you free her."

Suggest: "You better let her go" or "It will be better if you released her" or something.

"No lil kid gives me orders."

"No li'l kid gives me orders."


I smiled to him.  

Ukyo: ^_^ Topless Ranma.

Suggest: I smiled at him.

"Always there is a first time"

Yoda: "There is always a first time."

Obi Wan: Master Yoda, what happened to your speech pattern?

Yoda: Reading it the way that I would read it I am only.

The mastodon gave up to the girl and attempt to punch me. 

Ukyo: ...But I reminded the mastodon that it was an extinct creature, which saddened it so much that it decided to commit suicide. End

Suggest: The "mastodon" released the girl and attempted to punch me.

But he was 
slow, too slow. I avoided him, simultaneously I kicked his stomach;throwing 
him to the floor.

Ukyo: Okonomiyaki Summer!

Suggest: But he was slow. Too slow. I avoided him, simultaneously kicking his stomach while throwing him to the floor.

Or: But he was slow. Too slow. I avoided him, kicked him on the stomach and threw him on the floor (because though Ukyo is a competent martial artist, only Ranma could really simultaneously throw and kick a person)

He got up and he rushed against me.

Suggest: "He got up and rushed towards me" or "He got up and rammed his body against me."

It was very simple to take advantage 
of his impulse to throw him against the floor.

Suggest: It was easy to take advantage of his impulsiveness by throwing him on the floor again.

Nevertheless this time, when he got up, didn't attack me again. Instead he 
extracted a gun of his jacket and aimed at me with it.

Suggest: Getting rid of the "nevertheless" and revising the sentence to, "When he got up, he didn't bother attacking me again. Instead, he pulled a gun underneath his jacket and aimed it at me."

Okay, so far the grammar leaves much to be desired, but I nonetheless found it cool that the guy (despite being a 'mastodon') had enough sense in him to pull a gun at Ukyo. It's usually too much to ask for thugs/yakuza in fics to have that much common sense when faced with a superior foe.

He was too much far away in order that I could take the gun from him. And 

Suggest: "He was too far away from me for me to take his gun from him." 

I had no great confidence in being able to avoid the bullets. Anyhow if he 
started shooting surely someone would be hurt. The situation was 
complicated.

Suggest: "I not all that confident that I'm fast enough to avoid bullets. I'm fairly sure that getting a gunshot _anywhere_ does hurt, even though I have never been shot my entire life. Things were getting really... complicated."


Without previous notice Kat� rushed on him, pushing him against the wall. 
The Yakuza, which was not waiting the attack, left to fall the gun.

Kato: (a la Bruce Lee) Waaaaaaaiiiieeeee...~

Suggest: "Without warning, Kato rushed towards the yakuza, pushing him against the wall. Because of the unexpected attack, the yakuza accidentally relinquished his hold on the gun."


And then the black sphere started singing.

Gantz: ~The sun will come out, tomorrow...~

Okay, so obviously grammar is not the strong point of this fic. I _would_ suggest reading up a bit on English grammar rules and some such, but then it occurred to me that you might not be all that serious about writing fanfics. Maybe you wanted to write fanfics to improve and practice what you know about written English. In that case, go for it. But still, it would _greatly_ help that you still read up about English, because what is the point of publishing an English fic on the net if you can't communicate in English properly. What could have been a great plot is wasted on a fic that can't effectively communicate to the reader. Most of the time I was left confused, guessing what you meant by this sentence or that statement. Other times the fic was tragically humorous when it wasn't supposed to be humorous. Unintentional humor, if you will. It's not "A guy walks up on stage, cracks jokes, audience laughs" kind of funny, it's "A guys walks up on stage wearing a Mariah Carey t-shirt, audience laughs" kind of funny. It's a meaner, more tragic kind of humor that leaves your fic as the butt of the joke. 

But I don't know where you're coming from with this fic. For all I know this is the ultimate 'original' fanfic that was written in Japanese but transliterated by Babel Fish. I cannot lie, to be quite frank your English sucks. Well, _my_ English sucks, but I think your English sucks more and it's the very thing that's bogging your fic down. It's your jurisdiction whether or not to do something about this, but I would suggest that you _do_ do something about it.

Because, really, what's the point in writing an English fic if you can't write in English? 

If I were you, I wouldn't want that. On the other hand, if I were you, I wouldn't write a German translation of my fanfic and post it on a German website for everyone's perusal. So... there. I have no idea why you just wrote what you wrote, or what exactly is what you wrote, but since you asked for C&C, I won't mince words. It's either you improve on your English outside of writing fanfics or you improve on your English by writing fanfics and, as an end result, write more unintentionally funny fanfics. 

But like an old Atari game during the 1980's amidst the newer-fangled NES games, I'm not going to judge your fic by the grammar of English-speaking authors the same way a video game reviewer should not judge an Atari game in comparison to NES-quality games. That'd be needlessly unfair. I'll instead judge it by how good it is as a story. The idea has potential. The idea is a good one. It's not a great idea, and it's certainly very weird at parts, but nonetheless a good idea. Unfortunately, the language barrier is pretty solid and slightly impenetrable when it comes to preventing the story to work. Aside from being lost in translation, very little went on in your fanfic. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is what I've gleaned from your little story:

-Ukyo dies, goes into the Gantz center, and then meets everyone from the Gantz anime series.

-There's this weird Yakuza guy, a bespectacled man and a guy who's in need of cigarettes. Then there's Kei and Kato. 

-Ukyo doesn't seem too surprised that she 'died,' but why should she? It's pretty unbelievable.

-For some reason, a girl appears in the room starting from the inside out, which is just gross.

-Yakuza guy tries to get the girl, Ukyo tries to save the girl, Yakuza guy tries to shoot the girl, and then Kei comes to the rescue.

-Gantz sings.

Y'know, this fic shouldn't have been as long as it was. Not much really happened, like the 'shocker' prologue.

The hilarity, the innuendo, and everything else fun and good about the fic did not come from the plot, and that's just tragic.

But you're new at this and I'm asking you to build a castle when you're only attempting to build a house. As it is, your house is nothing special, and it's a squatter's hut filled with corrugated tin roofs built in the middle of a big city to boot. But as you go along fixing it here and there it could work. Not by much unless you destroy the squatter's hut and build a house of bricks instead, but that's all you can afford for now, so you can just work with what you have until you can 'afford' better building materials, I guess.

It's standard disclaimer time.

I'd like to clarify that this isn't a simple "bash the fic" thing I'm doing here. This is a critique. Please don't go mentally simplifying my comments (incorrectly) as "He just didn't like my fic so anything he says can't be taken seriously." It's your jurisdiction to ignore the comments, yes, and to take them with a grain of salt, yes, but please do at least consider that this isn't just bias talking when I say, "This fic would have been better if it was not translated from Kazektachuan to English by Babel Fish," or "I do hope the author improves in the language department as he continues ficcing." Most people would probably not even bother with your fic simply because it'd be either too confusing for them to read or correcting you would seem too mean, like bashing handicapped people from being handicapped. Well, I don't think you're handicapped, and I've already clarified the potential of this fic. But let's be realistic here... it's not the plot, but the language that's the barrier. Fix that first and foremost before writing and posting your fic. If you want to improve your English by writing this fic, then I must say here and now that you have more balls than I'd ever hope to have. Kudos to you, and good luck. On the other hand, if this is just a hobby and you have no intention to improve your English for writing fiction about Japanese cartoons, then I'll say here and now that, all things considered, your fic is no worse than Dr. Thinker's fics.

In any case, ignore my vinegar-laced comments if you'd like. I'm only "keeping it real" and telling you straight out what I found wrong in the fic. If you want to keep your fic as is, good. If you found my comments helpful in some level, even better. The best advice I could give you that you needn't take with a grain of salt is to keep on writing if you have the balls and improve your English and grammar first if you have the common sense. ;) Actual experience on the English language is what constitutes for better English stories, I believe (damn, do I even need to mention that?). I would also suggest to read more fics, or to just read more books (both literary books and instructional books); it really helps. That's my two cents. Abdiel out. 



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