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Warning: I'm in a bit of 'ranting' mood right now, as seen below. Though, I must admit, this is the first time my C&C was actually longer than the fic.

Hello, Mr. Garret sir. I humbly submit you some C&C for a fic that just exudes the aura of being accomplished. ^-^ I hope my brand of unnecessarily meandering yet involved critique is of some help to you. :) As always with any C&C, take it with a grain of salt and a healthy amount of disbelief if ever it crosses with any of your fundamental beliefs and notions on Ranma 1/2 canon. Canon is canon, but I admit that canon interpretation is basically fair play in fanfics.

John Garrett wrote:

Ranma 1/2: Aijou & Aitou (Love & Regret)

Chapter 20: Rise and Shine

by John Garrett (aka JohnnyG) johnny.gman@gmail.com

As a general rule, readers prefer the author notes at the end of the fic instead of at the beginning of the fic. Y'know, for easier reading. But since you may have been doing this for twenty chapters or so and you probably don't want to go to the trouble of revising each and every one of the chapters for what is essentially a nitpick, how about putting your little author notes and the end of the fic in the future? After all, the people who usually like the author notes best are the authors, not the readers. 

Most important of all, I would like to thank my wife. Not only has she
supported me in my writing by giving me the time I need to work, but she
is also an excellent pre-reader. Thanks again dear!

Wow, even family is involved in the editing and prereading of this fic. I guess it won't be too much for me to expect Grade-A reading with as little grammar and spelling errors as possible, ne? :) I'm really looking forward to this read.

FYI, this is my first post to this list.

Ah. So my "C&C in the middle of the fic" thing is now valid. I have no recourse but to C&C in the middle of things, since the only chapter you've posted in the FFML so far is the 20th chapter. :)

But to avoid any unnecessary comments from my ignorance of the previous events of the fic, (and here's a first) I've actually bothered to look up the previous chapters. (...okay, so I only read the chapter summary/headers on the site, but it's still extra effort on my part :P) My remarks: You claimed lots of introspection, which is usually good for me. I love using introspective moments in my fics, and I like introspective fics in general. It'll be much to my glee if there will be more of the same here in this chapter, if applied properly.

Also, in general, it occurs to me that the main plot of your fic series suspiciously reads a lot like many, many other fics dealing with a canon look at Ranma and Akane post-manga. I'm getting the feeling that, considering the subject, I've read this before in other fics, only shorter and not so stretched out like in your series. What I find funny is the fact all these fics read alike, it was all AFAIK purely unintentional.
 
It has all the same elements... Ranma and Akane gets to have the biggest fight they have as of yet, the camel's back finally broke with that last straw, Akane cancels the engagement, shit happens with Ryoga and Ranma, the other fiancee's are picked-off one by one, and Kasumi the dutiful daughter takes upon herself the task of joining the two schools of Musabetsu Kakuto Ryu. Oh, and Akane trying to win Ranma back. Oh, and Nabiki does some manipulative fanfic shit that's fanon only. These redundant elements have been done and overdone in fics that, dare I say, have become the typical cliche of fics dealing with a post-manga-explanation of the aftermath of the disastrous R&A nuptials. It's been done, and done well. So what's the point in overdoing it? The _real_ question though is, does it need to be done yet again with just a littlest of differences in circumstance?

Is this any reason to prematurely judge your fic as more of the same of what is fast-becoming yet another trite and hackneyed tradition in Ranmafics? Yes. Heh. Well, no, I'm just kidding... but I'm only halfway kidding. As it is, I'm still wary of these kinds of fic. To be sure, I _have_ read good fiction from these strangely typical plot points, but God forbid that I expect something new, fresh, witty, innovative and events-that's-never-been-used-in-any-other-fics-ever from what I believe is a stereotypical post-manga fic.

In any case, we'll see if your fic reads okay despite of the fact soon enough. I hope so, anyway.

If I did something wrong, 

please let me know.  Thanks.

Since you're only a 'newbie' in posting to the FFML and not a newbie to posting fics in general, I'd say you shouldn't sweat it too much. After all, like I said, opinions are opinions and soapboxes are soapboxes. In any case, everything in the author notes seems honky-dory to me. Hope the fic is too, despite my apprehensions.

Standing

behind him, wearing a modest dress that only slightly enhanced her
figure, was Kasumi.  A light wind caused her dress to flow more closely
against her body, giving more of a hint of what lay beneath.  The breeze
also forced her hair to sway a bit, and the pink and white leaves from
the cherry trees floated gently down around her.  It was, quite simply,
one of the most beautiful images that Ranma had ever seen.

A sleeping girl with cherry blossoms spraying all around her out of nowhere? Gee, this suspiciously reads like the opening of the Marmalade Boy movie.

This fic is one of the most descriptive ones I've ever read. Usually though, overly descriptive prose tends to bog down as 'purple prose' in many fics. The good news is that, though you've so far already broken two of the 'rules' I follow when writing fics, you were able to make them work without any negative consequences. Kudos.

Soon, Kasumi had joined him, and the two were enjoying a fabulous meal
together.  They chatted, the conversation flowing freely, never once
feeling forced.  

Ah. Third nitpick of the day. Though your prose is smooth-flowing here, it does have the tendency to tell more than show. It's as if the prose is desperately convincing the readers that Ranma and Kasumi had a free-flowing conversation that's not forced by just telling the reader such, as opposed to showing the reader. Of course, you did skip 'showing' the actual scene altogether (perhaps so you could get to the juicier parts below), but it's been a pet peeve of mine how narrative prose sounds 'forced' instead of 'free-flowing' when it tells the reader how to react or how to judge whatever the characters are doing. Then again, otherwise, the sentence is okay.

This wouldn't have been too bad, but unfortunately the situation
produced two unfortunate side effects.  One was that he had his arm
draped over her, and Ranma found that his hand was grasping onto
something that it shouldn't be, something quite soft.

Typical Ranma reaction to a typical Ranma situation, from what I've seen so far. It's silly how the boy reacts and panics the exact same way every time in fanfics. Could it be some sort of mania or something? I'm betting that's also some sort of medical condition that the Kinsey Institute would be privy to.

'Oh dear kami!  She's gonna kill me!'  

I'm guessing that previous trauma from Akane led to this erroneous assumption? I find that dubious. After all, Kasumi's not the type. Or is it _Akane_ who he's referring to when he says, "She's gonna kill me!"?

The fact that he was going to die

a happy man was small comfort to Ranma at that moment in time.  Again,
he was about to panic, but there was something about Kasumi's presence,
and the comforting position he was in, that helped soothe him.  'Okay, I
gotta think this through.  If I just jump away, she's gonna wake up and
realize what's goin' on.  

Scenario 1:

Ranma: (moves away from Kasumi quickly, startling Kasumi)

Kasumi: (blinks) Ara ara. I feel hollow inside, as if I lost something of great importance.

Ranma: (brightens up) Great importance?

Kasumi: (thinks) W-ell, it's of average importance, if it's all the same to you.

Ranma: -_-

But if I slowly move away, she won't wake up

and everything should be fine.  Okay,' he thought, psyching himself up,
'that's what I'm gonna do.'

Scenario 2:

Kasumi: (moaning and groaning as Ranma slowly slid off of her)

Ranma: T_T

The way Ranma saw it he had three objectives.  First, he had to stop
poking Kasumi.

Kasumi: (pout)

Second, he needed to slowly remove his hand from her

chest.  Third, once they were no longer in contact, he needed to slowly
move away.  

For someone who easily agreed to sleep with Kasumi, even though it's just literally sleep... in the first place, he sure is eager to get off of her. Inconsistency, much? It's not as if he's going to be accused of rape by Kasumi anyway. Also, why does he feel so guilty? Is Akane going to be the excuse again? Akane-phobia, to be exact?

'Oh my!  This really isn't proper, even if it does feel nice.'  

Ah, what a line. The funny thing is that hentai videos usually make use of this kind of line. And by 'funny' I mean 'Gee, what a contrived coincidence that detracts from the authenticity of Kasumi's characterization.'

Kasumi

tried to quash that feeling, knowing that he shouldn't have his hand
there, and was about to wake Ranma up, when she paused.  'Well, it's not
like he's doing it on purpose.  Besides, the poor dear must be exhausted

>from all his training.  I should just wait until he moves himself and

then I can get up without waking him.'

Waaaiiit. Hold the phone. So they just _incidentally_ ended up in bed together in Ranma's 'tent'? They just ended up sleeping (as in sleep) together? Haven't I've seen this before in some fic/anime or the other?

For the next ten minutes, Kasumi tried to avoid feeling guilty about the
fact that she was immensely enjoying being held by her fiance in such an
intimate manner.

Nodoka: Guilty? You shouldn't be! In fact, I encourage this manly behavior!

It wasn't as hard as she would have thought, 

Ranma: (pout)

because
she felt so warm... so safe... so... so... cherished.  She couldn't
prescribe a greater description to the feeling; it wasn't love, at least
not yet, but it was easy to see how it might be heading into that
direction.

For someone so mature, Kasumi sure is acting very much like an infatuated teenage girl here. In other words, she's not acting very brightly. Why is that? What brought upon the change? Now, I'm not quite sure if there was previous character development in the earlier chapters since I just breezed through the chapter headers in your site (*shrug* I usually want to try out a fic I see in the FFML first before bothering to read the rest), but the way she's acting out doesn't segue well with the way she is post-manga. If anything, I find it more believable that she'd be more intimate with Ranma in the guise of traditions and 'keeping family honor' than the giggly, "I know it's not right, but I like it anyway' attitude she has now. My disbelief was not allayed at all in this part of the fic.

Thoughts of Ranma's training brought home to her the immensity of
exactly what it was he was doing for her.  'He's going through all of
this to protect me.  He could just marry Shampoo and then I would be
safe, but instead he's going through the hardest training he's ever
done... for me.'

M-well, that's usually where Ranma gets his brownie points with women. He has a hero complex going on. But besides that, Kasumi's so blinded by love and how romantic her fiance is that she can't see the veritable stupidity of Ranma's acts, as opposed to the canonically mature Kasumi who'd never allow such a mess to happen, IMO. Wasn't this the Kasumi who's bored by immature boys? The Kasumi who outright berated Genma's immaturity in the manga after learning about the Jusenkyou thing?

But who knows, right? As far as the average fan knows, Kasumi might just be a tea-server and that's probably all Takahashi ever meant for her to be. She wasn't exactly the best characterized character in Ranma 1/2 canon, after all. So whatever lies beneath the surface of Kasumi might actually be fair game to whatever the fan sees, even if Takahashi herself didn't see said fan's interpretation of 'it'. 

Because AFAIK, Kasumi is meant to be the representation of the traditional Japanese woman (while Nabiki is the embodiment of the modern Japanese woman). While she certainly is not perfect, IMO her core values revolve on being motherly, caring, mature, responsible, and the like. In my opinion, the way she's acting now betrays all of her core values as presented in the source canon. Cooing at Ranma's seemingly infatuation-driven actions is irresponsible and immature of her. Her motherly caring has been replaced by a teenager's blind notions on besotted love. I'd expect something like this from Ranma's other fiancees, but never from Kasumi.

OTOH, (and that's a big on the other hand), it's _not_ impossible for Kasumi to act this way, but it isn't simply justifiable with, "She's only human, and all humans are susceptible to the madness that is love. Her falling for Ranma cannot be dismissed as fanon just because in the beginning of the manga she hinted that Ranma was way too young for her." Personally, I don't believe it for a second. Kasumi isn't as spastic and 'out of it' as most authors would contend. She can be capable of amazing insight at times, so coupling that with her naturally responsible and motherly instincts makes the 'I'm just a traditional domesticated girl, but once Ranma put his charm on me, the heart of just another dumb lovestruck teenage girl in me flourished' more and more unbelievable for me.

It should be justified by, IMO, a more IC way of her falling for Ranma. That's not to detract anything from your fic, but I'll save my judgments for later, after I've read the entirety of this work.

That line of thinking caused Kasumi to consider the relationship she and
Ranma were slowly developing.  

First off... it's supposed to be "she and Ranma was slowly developing" because it's supposed to be the relationship that _was_ slowly developing, not 'she and Ranma'.

Second off... _Slowly_ developing? SLOWLY developing? It has practically developed already, judging from the way Kasumi's acting so different from how she'd normally act. 

Knowing she would still have her work cut out for her, she considered
whether it was worth the effort in the long run.  "Yes," she whispered
to herself without hesitation.  'Despite all his faults, he's still one
of the most honorable and noble people I have ever met.  He's also warm,
caring, and considerate; to me at least.  It also doesn't hurt that he's
incredibly handsome, that it's a lot of fun kissing him, and that it
feels so wonderful when he holds me.  And I know, beyond a shadow of a
doubt, that Ranma will encourage me to pursue whatever dreams I may
have.'

Ah okay. Here's one plot point that can be explored to justify Kasumi slight lobotomy... er, change of personality. The 'dreamer' inside of her or some such. Will the fic makes use of this plot point remains to be seen, though. 

Her contemplation was cut short as she felt her fiance suddenly stiffen
up behind her.  

Ranma: (stiff) O_O

"Uh," was about the only coherent response that Ranma could form.  'She
don't sound angry like Akane or nothin', but she's gotta be pissed.'

Ranma's first thought shouldn't be about whether or not he displeased Kasumi in any way. He should simply regret what he did solely because he did it to Kasumi, regardless of her reaction. AFAIK in fanfiction that's how the Ranma characters usual react whenever they feel that they've 'offended' Kasumi in any way, and it's not because of any 'consequences' they may face from her. Most of them are just nice that way. Akane isn't his _only_ experience in dealing with girls, y'know.

"I'm sorry!  It was an accident, I swear!"

Ranma's actions and words are in character. The motivations and faulty logic behind his actions (Akane is a girl. Akane will 'kill' me if ever I accidentally do perverted things to her again. Kasumi is also a girl, so therefore Kasumi will 'kill' me if I accidentally do perverted things to her too!) is not characteristic of how he should be reacting to his compromising position with Kasumi. In fact, the only times I ever come upon this silly notion of Ranma being phobic-of-touching-girls-'that-way' is in fanon, not actual canon. 

He should apologize to Kasumi not because he's afraid Kasumi will do an Akane and get really 'pissed', but because of his actions per se.

I mean, really... IMO, Kasumi = pissed as Akane whenever someone does something allegedly 'perverted' is OOC. She has her own shtick, thankyouverymuch. 

The relief that Ranma felt was palpable, in fact he was sure it was
coming off him in waves.  'Man, if only Akane would've listened to me
like this, who knows what coulda happened?'

That's the kind of thoughts he's been having since Shampoo started glomping onto him in first seasons of Ranma. Tragic, really.

"Why isn't Akane as affectionate as Shampoo?" But still, the comparison just goes to show how deep Ranma affection for Akane really is... instead of longing for the other girl with the characteristic he wished Akane had, he instead wishes that Akane had the characteristic the other girl had. 

"Of course, I think it would be a good idea for you to remove your hand

>from my chest now."

Again the dialogue, at the very least, is believable. If something similar happened to Kasumi in canon, she'd say the same thing. If Takahashi-sensei used word balloons, IMO, Kasumi probably won't think the way you made her thought in the first few paragraphs of this fic. If only Kasumi's motivations behind her reactions were about as believable as her reactions...

"Gah!"  Ranma yanked his hand away as if her torso was made of molten
lava.  Immediately afterwards,

The first 70,000 times I found this type of situation funny, but once I reached those six digits....

he jumped away from her and nearly

knocked the tent down onto both of them.  He prostrated himself on the
ground and began repeating over and over, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm
sorry!"

Genma: (proud) That's the way to do it, son! The Crouching Tiger!

When Kasumi giggled even louder than before, Ranma peeked up from where
his head was bowed to the floor and noticed the radiant smile on her
face.  "I told you it was alright

Fourth Nitpick: Use the more standard, "all right" instead of the non-formal "alright".

"Ack!"  Ranma sat up straight and began making warding motions in front
of him with his hands.  "I didn't mean nothin'," he insisted.  "You
gotta believe me!"  Internally, he couldn't help but berate himself,
even part of him was trying to tell him that it was an honest mistake.
'Jerk!  Pervert!  Akane was right about you.  This is Kasumi for cryin'
out loud!  Yer worse than the old letch.'

_Now_ this sort of reaction should have been Ranma's first thought, and not his afterthought. After all, he has known Kasumi for quite sometime now, so he should know that Kasumi would probably not react the same way as Akane would in such a situation. Instead, he should be the one reacting and prostrating himself because 'This is Kasumi (we're talking about here) for cryin' out loud!'

It's simple. Replace, "Kasumi's going to kill me and get angry in an Akane-like manner," with "Jerk! Pervert! Akane was right about you. This is Kasumi for cryin' out loud! Yer worse than the old letch."

"It's okay Ranma,"

"It's okay, Ranma,"

 he heard Kasumi repeat once again.  To emphasize

this, she reached forward to place her hand on his cheek.
Unfortunately, all of his time at the Tendo's home had conditioned him
too well.  He immediately equated this action with pain, and his
instinct forced him to close his eyes and cringe.

9_9 

Sorry, but I don't buy the "Akane Phobia" conditioning thing either. As I've mentioned in my C&C of "Reflections", I believe the only reason in my mind that would keep Ranma from 'hating' Akane altogether despite her being 'violent and psychotic' is that Ranma can 'shrug off' most of Akane's  outbursts of temper. Probably because of Genma's 'training' all these years.

So says A.V. Morgan, "Ranma can take physical abuse and insults VERY well. They've been his bread and butter for a decade. Some of Akane's insults slip through the cracks in Ranma's armor, created by the curse, and those are harder for Ranma to shrug off. One problem Ranma has with Akane's violence, is that it contradicts his notions of femininity. Akane's outbursts put her in a class with Genma... not a very attractive proposition..."

If Ranma really is _that_ conditioned, then shouldn't he be cringing any time Shampoo glomps onto him? Barring the fact that I find the conditioning thing unbelievable, the only time Ranma would really cringe is if Shampoo glomps onto him and _Akane_ is there (actually, the only real time that Ranma cringes is if Akane is there with a bowl of her wondrous cooking ^_^). Simply put, this is yet another scene in your fic where I have difficulty suspending my disbelief.

"Ranma," she said quietly.  Her voice was low, but it was devoid of her
usual cheerfulness, as well as the anger Ranma would have expected in
this situation.  In fact, it sounded rather exasperated.  "Do you truly
think that I'm going to hit you for this?"

This is _very_ in character... for the _reader_ to say once he/she gets to this part. "Do you really think she's going to hit you for that, Ranma?"

For Kasumi to say it? Forget it. The statement was not even well-segued for her to say. As it is, it just seems that she had a momentary lapse in her already OOC personality to say what she said.

"Do you truly think so little of me?" Kasumi asked.  The hurt that crept
into her voice and was beginning to manifest on her face tore at Ranma's
heart.

~_~ For something which she just deadpanned for earlier, she's now crying for now? Did she accidentally take Akane's fanfic pills for mood swings, 'coz her mood sure is swinging now!

This is just the (checks page number) the eighth page of a (so far) eighteen-pager C&C, and yet it seems that things aren't looking up in character motivations and some such in this fic. Before I C&Ced the actual fic, I expressed my worries that this will become yet another copy of the same old "Ranma and Akane won't work out after the disastrous wedding, so Kasumi takes up the mantle as fiancee" story. My worries were for naught... No, your fic won't end the same way as the other fics where Ranma and Kasumi end up married/engaged, and Akane is left in a desperate hell of disparate whirling emotions. Those fics are well-characterized, well-researched and make use of more drama than cliche to get their points across. This fic is none of those... or if it does endeavor to make use of proper characterization, lots of research and attempts at drama it fails to show any of it in the end product.

This fic doesn't suffer the cliche of its predecessors. It instead suffers from its own 'unique' problems of inappropriate characterizations and unbelievable character motivations. 

Forcing himself to take a deep breath, Ranma evaluated the question.  He
considered the circumstances that led up to this encounter.  'Kasumi
asked ta rest with me.  I was asleep when we ended up like that, so I
didn't do it on purpose or nothin'.'  

Psst... Ranma? The problem Kasumi has is your reaction to your incidentally compromising position. The reader also has a problem over your reaction to the incident, BTW. But not to worry, he also thinks that Kasumi is overreacting as well. Simply put, you're all Out of Character.

He thought about what Kasumi had

said after waking up.  'Even Kasumi said it wasn't my fault.  I just
couldn't help it because I'm so used ta being hit when somethin' like
this happens.  But this is Kasumi.  The only time she ever hit me was
when I nearly killed myself for her.  Because she was... worried...
about me.  Because she really does... care for me.'

This is the twentieth chapter, so I'm guessing this is probably the apex for all your setup in the previous nineteen chapters. But this is Ranma we're talking about. Ranma. The whole setup for the culminating final scene, despite the earlier setup in the previous chapters, is (these words have become as cliched and overused as the word cliche when I C&C most fics) contrived and forced. Not only did Kasumi's little crying stunt come out of nowhere, but Ranma's little realization afterwards just made me feel nauseated. Not only is this little exposition of Ranma is composed of more 'tell, not show', but it is also reeking of OOCnes all throughout. 

The entire concept shocked Ranma to the core.  'When was the last time
someone cared about me?  I think pops did before even the neko-ken
training, but I ain't even sure of that.  And how could my mom care if
she let pops drag me off like that for ten years.  Plus, she wants to
make me commit seppuku if I don't turn out the way she wants.  

O_o Ranma _puts_ Genma above Nodoka in terms of caring? Granted, there's the sword thing, but this is post manga, right? Where Nodoka shows that she misses her son so much that she'll accept he's manly even though half of the time he's a she. Contrast this to Genma, who never really changes from the start of the manga to the finish of the manga. Flat as a cardboard, that character. I'm not going to bash him in this C&C, but to put him above Nodoka in terms of caring is a bit too much, fic.

Mr. Tendo

only cares about me upholding that stupid pledge.  Nabiki only seems to
care about makin' money off me.'  He understood that the last thought
might not be entirely accurate, but he wasn't going to argue with
himself at the moment.

This suspiciously reads like a fic that's remodeling Ranma's belief system at will so that he'd become closer to Kasumi. Why do I say that? Because I haven't come across this sort of line of thought outside of, you guessed it, fanfiction. The tragic thing? The fic doesn't really need to do that, if only it went for believable canon interpretation. Of course, it may be that you hadn't intentionally made Kasumi into a giggly, love-struck fiancee that's not distinguishable to all the other giggly, love-struck fiancees in Ranma's harem. But, as the copy-pasted quote below on Joem's take on characterization shows, the path to hell is paved with good intentions.

"I feel that characterizing characters is like writing a program, with the characterization being the program and the reader being the compiler.

That is, to the compiler, what you meant counts for absolutely nothing. What you meant is worth diddly squat. What you meant is about as important as what you ate for breakfast. What matters is what you wrote. The compiler will interpret what you wrote in the way that it was designed to, and what you wrote is all that influences it. Even if you didn't mean for your code to result in an infinite loop, the compiler doesn't care. The compiler interprets programs, not the intent of the programmer.

The criteria is simple for me. As long as a character could conceivably act in a certain way given the evidence in canon, it's fine. The only way a characterization would be inappropriate is if, given the canon, that characterization would be impossible.

Example:

* Ryoga was in love with Ranma-chan all along - this wouldn't work because Ryoga has had chances to get with Ranma's female half in canon and he has made it abundantly clear that he doesn't like her. Any interpretation along those lines would have to take this fact into account to be IC, and I don't see a logical way to explain it all away. This doesn't mean Ryoga can't fall in love with Ranma in the future. It simply means that he wasn't in love with Ranma all along.

* Daisuke was in love with Ranma-chan all along - this would work because AFAIK Daisuke has never made any opinion on Ranma-chan one way or the other, so any interpretation along those lines would be IC. There is no precedent. It's a blank slate and so just about anything you put in it would fall into the "conceivable" category. You could have him secretly going to fetish clubs with Hiroshi watching schoolgirls get it on with tentacle monsters and it would still be IC."

If you feel that your interpretation is that of the latter instance... Takahashi has never written anything that would, in any way, indicate that your characterization as false... then I must disagree. Takahashi has made it abundantly clear how insightful, kind and level-headed Kasumi is. She does not cry at the drop of the hat. She takes things in stride. She may seem spaced out at times, but that does not justify the kind of motivations you've given her in this fic. Your interpretation is more of the former, because you have instances in canon that contradict your take on things.

His thoughts then turned to the girls who were after him.  'To all of
'em, I ain't nothin' but a piece of property.  Kodachi couldn't care
less about what I want.  Shampoo expects me to honor her stupid laws and
be her trophy husband.  Maybe she does really care, but if she did she
wouldn't treat me the way she does.  

This little tirade of your Ranma sounds more like how several people in fandom feel about each of the fiancees than how Ranma really feels about his little fiancees.

U-Chan is my friend, but she still
always held that agreement over my head, not caring one bit whether or
not I loved her in the same way. 

Now I'm no Ukyo fanboy (Joem could attest to that), but that reason seems very weak. A good suggestion though is to not include Ukyo in his thoughts at all, since Ranma sees him as a friend. If you see a girl as a friend, then you naturally don't include her in your list of prospective mates, right?

And Akane...'  Ranma had the

equivalent of a mental sigh.  'Akane always calls me a jerk and a
pervert and said the engagement wasn't real and that she didn't want me.
But she always blew up when another girl was nice ta me or I was nice ta
another girl.  Again, she didn't care about what I wanted or how I
felt.'

How uncharacteristically sensitive of Ranma. And how one-sided too. Ranma has shown plenty of instances where he too shows jealousy at Akane yet he tries to act as if he doesn't. He also says one thing, and says another. And, as I've mentioned before, name-calling doesn't really faze Ranma much. Seems to me this now sensitive and onion-skinned Ranma is the kettle that calls the pot black. 

Finally, Ranma's thought turned to his latest fiancee.  'Kasumi... she

Suggest: Ranma's thoughts ('coz he has a lotta 'em)

is the most caring and gentle person I know.  She's kind, and sweet, and
beautiful.  She doesn't force herself on me, and she always considers my
feelings.  Plus, she worked it out so that when the engagement was
transferred to her that we had a way out, rather than try and trap me
like the other girls woulda.'  

Trap? TRAP? Ranma Saotome trapped himself, because he never, ever would give those fiancees of his a straight answer. He's been stringing them along for such a long time when the simplest solution to his problem would be to reject any one of them. Save he doesn't, does he? Now he's enamored to a girl who'd actually humor his indecisive ways by making decisions for him? Come on. Then they deserve each other!

Once again, Ranma was struck with what an

incredible person she truly was.  

Yeah, sure... This from a girl who just recently 'developed' feelings and shown interest for him in ways very similar if not outright copied from all his other love-struck fiancees? Puh-lease. Anymore Kasumi character worship, and... well, this'll turn into the improfic ULTRA Kasumi who is God(dess). 

As he looked at her again, where she

sat waiting for him to answer, Ranma couldn't keep his thoughts from
drifting into the inevitable direction.

'I don't deserve her.'

The Church of Ranma and Kasumi rejoices! Ranma now sees Kasumi the way CORK sees her! Hurray! 

--

Kasumi sat there and watched the myriad of emotions play across Ranma's
face.  It was hard to tell what he was thinking, and she was beginning
to feel bad the way she had asked him the question.  'It's not poor
Ranma's fault.  He's just been conditioned to be this way.  We'll have
to work on it.'

~_~ Now I know what's so familiar about this fic. It's not the usual Ranma-Akane-Kasumi triangle fic, that's for sure... It's more like an Ukyo-Ranma fic where the fanboy devotes whole sections of the fic for Ukyo worship. Now let's replace the instance of 'Ukyo' into 'Kasumi'... then that's what your fic is in essence. Kasumi worship. St. Ukyo has become St. Kuonji or even the Belldandy reincarnate.

I'll probably be more tolerant of the fic had I not seen better, more believable interpretations of Kasumi and Ranma becoming engaged and then eventually married. It's the simple things like Kasumi not acting like a bubblehead when in love, or Ranma being forced into Kasumi's arms by circumstances other than a lobotomy-like, "Gee, Kasumi is soooo perfect! *gush*" Though I would be more tolerant, the Kasumi worship still sticks out like a sore thumb. I like Kasumi like the next guy, but fics compromising plot because of this personal bias aren't very well written fics, IMO.

"I-I'm sorry Kasumi," her fiance said, breaking Kasumi out of her
reverie.  "You... don't deserve ta have people think of you like that.
You deserve someone better than that."  His voice dropped to a near
whisper.  "Someone better than me."

Come on, even Keiichi not that wimpy! You're turning Ranma into a veritable Shinji Ikari!

OTOH, this provides an ingenious way of cutting short Kasumi and Ranma love-love. Again this sounds suspiciously like fandom opinions written down as dialogue for characters (I know at least one person who doesn't see Kasumi-like people as worthy partners because they 'don't deserve her'), but the drama behind 'Someone better than me' is undeniable. Cheesy, melodramatic and Soap Opera like drama, I admit, but drama nonetheless. Will you run with this? Or is this just lip service for Ranma to coyly give 'conflict' to his love for Kasumi before Kasumi gives Ranma literal lip service to quell whatever doubts he has?

The utter conviction in his voice tore at Kasumi's heart.  'He can't
believe that!  He can't!'  Before he had a chance to react, Kasumi
lunged forward and grabbed him in a fierce hug.  "Don't you ever say
that!" she cried.  "Don't even think it.  You are a wonderful person.  I
don't want you to doubt that for a second."

The drama of a person hearing their beloved saying, "I don't deserve you" is also worthy of further exposition. Can you imagine how fucked up those people might feel? It's flattering yes, but how would you react if you found out that the reason you and your beloved can't be together is because you're _too_ wonderful. Again, I hope this isn't one of those fleeting, conflict for the sake of conflict instances. Just don't overdo it, or else enough cheesiness will abound for readers to abandon fic.

"But..." Ranma said, and she could feel him begin to choke up.  "You're
so much better that I-"

"Stop," Kasumi interrupted.  "Please.  I think you're one of the most
wonderful people I've ever had the privilege of knowing.  Are you
suggesting that I'm lying to you about that?"

"N-No.  It's just... I mean..."

"Shh," Kasumi said.  "Please... just believe me.  Okay?"

Ranma: It doesn't matter that I'm one of the most wonderful people you ever met! I mean, it's flattering, but it doesn't change the fact that I don't deserve you! Don't you get it? You're getting the short end of the stick, and you're too wonderful for that! Too beautiful, too nice, and too perfect! You're everything I've ever dreamed, but to me you're just a dream! You are a saint! A goddess! My sweet Venus! My foxy lady! You make me feel like a poet, even though I sound like an idiot! You make poets out of idiots, and idiots out of poets! You... 

Feeling Ranma nod slightly, Kasumi loosened her embrace enough so that
she could look into his eyes.  She saw the disbelief that was still
there, but at least it had lessened somewhat.  

-_-

So much for delving on the drama and conflict so that it won't look cheap and out of the blue...

'Since actions seem to

have such an effect on him, I guess that's the best way to show him how
serious I am.'

Keeping her eyes fixed on his, she slowly moved her face towards him.
She tried to project as much love and acceptance as possible, and even
though she moved slowly, she never hesitated.

Kasumi wants to show, not tell, but the prose does otherwise. Please show, not tell, fic. At least Kasumi's attempting to do such, so you should do your part as well.

After several minutes, Kasumi broke away slightly and adjusted their
position to make them both more comfortable.  She then continued kissing
her fiance.  The amount of time this went on was hard to estimate, but
Kasumi figured they had been at it at least twenty minutes when she
finally pulled away.

Citing numbers to impress the readers, fic? Not working. Why would she count how many minutes it took for them to kiss? Who does that? I thought this was the giddy, love-struck Kasumi... shouldn't she be lost in the moment? If the fic's going have to make a character slightly OOC, at the very least it should be consistent about it.

She sat back a little and looked into Ranma's eyes.  "Now," she said
sweetly, "do you believe me when I say that I think you're a wonderful
person."

Kasumi: Never mind open communication or greater appreciation of a person's worth! Only with the amazing powers of twenty-minute-make-out can cure the unbeliever!

CORK: Yeah! You tell him, girl!

"Yea," Ranma said, with the barest hint of a silly grin on his face.  "I
still don't get why, but I do understand."

Kasumi: I'm glad that's over! That was our biggest obstacle yet!

Reader: ...Obstacle? Wow. You mean the whole three minutes of it, plus the twenty minutes of kissing? It was indeed a lengthy and angst-ridden obstacle indeedy. 

Another tendency of Ukyo/Character Worship fics is the tendency to keep the conflicts as short and as solvable as possible. The actual conflicts between lover/lovee, that is. The conflicts of the villainous fiancees, on the other hand, are fair game... but with the lover/lovee thing going strong, why would the reader have any doubt that they would end up together? It's another case of things going waaaay too easy for the author's favored character, I believe. (sigh) To think, I was such a Kasumi/Belldandy fan too....

"Good.  Whenever you begin to feel differently about yourself, I want
you to remember how I feel.  Can you do that for me?"

"O-Okay," Ranma said.  She thought the matter settled, but then his grin
diminished and he looked down at his lap.

"What's wrong Ranma?"

"Well... It's just... I mean..."

Kasumi watched as he wrung his hands together.  

Who replaced Ranma with Woody Allen?

'Why is he so nervous?'

she wondered.  She thought about prodding him for information, but
decided it would be best if he worked out whatever was bothering him on
his own.  After several minutes of this though, she considered changing
her mind and prompting him, but he finally took a deep breath and spoke.

The Kasumi-Ranma pair up will never have any sort of problem.

Scenario 1:

Ranma: I'm having an affair with your sister, Akane. I'm still in love with her!

Kasumi: (forgives, makes out with Ranma for twenty minutes)

Ranma: ...Who would like that flat-chested, violent tomboy, anyway?

Scenario 2:

Ranma: I'm now permanently a girl... -_-

Kasumi: (thinks for all of two seconds, decides that she'll become a lesbian, makes out with Ranma for twenty minutes) 

Ranma: I'm now permanently a girl! ^_^

Scenario 3:

Ranma: I've grown bald, and I feel like our son isn't manly enough.

Kasumi: Ara ara. Then go to a training trip all around the world for ten years until our son grows up to be manly enough, or else you will both commit seppuku!

Ranma: Okay.

Genma: Hmmm... This scene seems troublingly familiar...

CORK: Thy will of Kasu... er, Kami-sama be done.

"While we've been out here," Ranma said, finally raising his head to
look at her again, "I've been thinkin' a lot about our engagement."
When he paused, Kasumi smiled at him and nodded her head, and he
continued.  "I'm really glad ya worked in those deals with our dads, but
I'm real worried about how ya said it, and knowing those two jerks,
they're gonna hold ya too it."

Ranma's inconsistency in using 'ya' and 'you' troubles me somewhat. I have a feeling that Ranma doesn't really need his New Yorker speech after all.

Cocking her head to one side, Kasumi gave him a questioning expression.
"I don't follow you Ranma."

"Well, ya told 'em that if I decided I wanted ta marry you, that I would
hafta.  But you never said anything 'bout you."

Slow down there, Alfalfa.

"Kasumi," he said softly, and reached forward to take her hands in his.
"Ya only said that I had ta wanna marry you, and not the other way
around."

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Kenshin (fanfic): Oro? Sessha wa de gozaru.

Chou: Yeehaw! I have an geeenuine 'Oh-sakan' accent, translated directly from Japanese! Thanks, Accents(tm)! Holla back, y'hear? See ya'll! What's up, girlfriend? Now don't be square now! Peace 'n love, brotha!

The eldest Tendo daughter found herself simply glowing at his words.
'It's amazing how he can force himself around that foot in mouth disease
to come out with something truly as heartwarming as that.'

In general: Referring to Ranma's little problem as 'foot in mouth disease' in C&Cs/conversations in email/Ranma 1/2 discussion boards/Anime Review sites/etc. is okay. Referring Ranma's little problem as 'foot in mouth disease' in fanfic?  Sounds like the fourth wall has been breached yet again,
putting fanfic opinions and fanon terms into fanfic dialogue.

"But, here's my problem," he continued.  "Ya say all these nice things
about me right now, and you might even believe 'em when I graduate, but
that don't mean you'll wanna marry me then.  And there's no way I'm
gonna let you force yourself into that; agreement be damned."  He held
up one hand to forestall her from saying anything.  "Now, I know what
you said about honor and all, and I believe you one-hundred percent, but
my honor will not allow you ta marry someone you don't love.  So what
I'm sayin' is this... If, when I graduate, you don't wanna marry me, I'm
gonna tell our pops that I don't wanna marry you.  Yes, it'll probably
be a lie on my part, but there is no way in hell I could live with
myself if that happened."

Oh, I'm getting type-2 diabetes just reading this. "I'll lie about not wanting to marry you, because I really do." (shakes head) Well, Kasumi's lucky to have chanced upon joy boy as a boyfriend. There isn't a dishonest bone in his wholesome, Disneyfied body, apparently. Sadly, he ain't Ranma either, New York accent be damned. Ranma _committing_ to something is enough to raise my bullshit detector, but Ranma, the Ranma who had to see Akane get nearly killed before he could say I love you, would never say anything so gay and so mushy as he has above. OOC? If he gets any more OOC, maybe we'll get lucky and he'll go full circle, becoming IC again.

'It's just like I told Nabiki,' she thought again.  'I knew he would
never force me into anything.  He's much too honorable and noble.  It
feels so wonderful to have someone care about me so much again, it's
been a long time.'  

A vision of her clasping her hands and looking at the sky while sparkles surrounded her is filling me with utter... what's the word?... cloying.

Kasumi: (singing) ~The sun will come out... tomorrow...~

The warmhearted feelings seized her, and she found
herself starting to cry.

-_-

Kasumi: (hears what she wants to hear) Oh, Ranma is sooo sincere!

"Ack!" Ranma cried.

"Ack!" indeed.

Several bullshit lines from Ranma and she folds. She'll be the perfect victim for 'playas' everywhere, which has me disappointed. It doesn't matter that Ranma's sincere, Kasumi's proven her gullibility here and now. I tagged Kasumi as someone who's beyond the immaturity and bullshit of teenage boys and so-called players.

"I'm sorry!  I didn't mean whatever it is that I

said that made ya cry."

Ranma: But, y'know? It sure beats not knowing whatever it is I said that made  me airborne!

'Poor Ranma,' Kasumi couldn't help but think while he squirmed.  'We
really need to work on how he interprets other people's emotions.'  She
let out a giggle amidst the tears.

How about we make things easier and make your _reactions_ more believable, ne? Your characterization scares me, fic. Usually it's only Akane that's emotionally unbalanced in Ranma fanfic... this time, the whole bunch of them is emotionally unbalanced! Well, not much will probably change in Kodachi's portrayal in terms of being unbalanced, but I digress...

"I do," Kasumi said and then giggled some more.  "In fact, I'll do more
than tell you how much I appreciate it."

Without waiting for a response, Kasumi dove forward and tackled him on
the floor of the tent.  She then proceeded to give him the most
passionate kissing session the two had to date.

Kasumi: Twenty minutes? A breeze. Let's go for the Guinness Book Record!

--

In a place far removed from all romantic intentions, one Kodachi Kuno
sat on the small bed of her cell and contemplated her revenge. 

Speaking of the character that's most probably in-character of the bunch for the simple reason that exaggeration and over-the-top characterization _is_ canon interpretation of her personality.... By cliche's standards, she should be the one scheming the vile plot to separate his darling Ranma from the treacherous Tendo witches. And to think her seiyuu was Shinobu of Urusei Yatsura fame, the first Akane-like creature Takashi wrote about. Tsk, tsk... how the 'innocent but violent tomboy' has fallen.

'Fools,' she thought, 'don't they understand that they are only
prolonging their stay here?'  It's true that when she was first brought
here several days ago, she acted in much the same way.  'How could it be
helped though?  They told me that I cannot see my beloved Ranma and that
I must spend my time in this kami-forsaken place.'

(wince) Kami-forsaken place, huh? Boy, do English terms and Japanese don't mesh.

Settling for a wide grin instead of a laugh, Kodachi laid back in her
bed and was soon asleep; dreaming dreams of her beloved and the happy
life they would lead together.

(shrug) Kodachi's Kodachi, I guess... so no complaints here about her. But applying her exaggerated and warped world view in reverse to Kasumi and Ranma where Ranma becomes Disneyfied and Kasumi cries on cue whenever something waffy is discussed? That's a different matter.

--

Ukyo sat in her bedroom, which was situated above her okonomiyaki
restaurant, not even bothering to restrict the tears that were poring

'pouring', unless you meant that she was crying facial cleanser fluid.

As far as Shampoo goes, I have been training non-stop with Mousse and
Ryoga.  

Ranma: Will you train me to beat Shampoo up, even though I'll probably end up doing actual bodily harm on her and you probably should be angry about the fact that I'm attempting to lay a hand on your darling Shampoo?

Mousse: (thinks) Okay.

I must note that, aside from the Ucchan-Ranchan similarities of your Kasumi-worship fic, it has the cliche of "Everybody, for some strange reason, is helping Ranma out despite the fact that they normally won't." Sure, the Nerima Wrecking Crew has from time to time worked together to defeat some foe who has kidnapped Akane or something, but the NWC working against themselves? That presents some prime opportunity for drama, but otherwise what justification would you have to make them go against each other?  Why would Ranma's mortal enemies help him without any gain? Shouldn't Ryoga be still mad at Ranma for breaking Akane's heart. Clarification please.

Things have been going well, but I'm still worried about what

the old ghoul might do.  I have developed one new special technique and
will be focusing on a few more before we come back from our trip.  

Ranma: It's called Saotome Anything-Goes School of Bullshitting. Worked so far on everyone except Nabiki. Uh... and you, of course. Y'know I'm always honest with you, Ucchan.

Again, she wanted to be so angry with Ranma, or even Kasumi, but in
either case, she was having difficulty mustering what it took.  'How the
hell can I be angry at Kasumi?

-_-

Gee, you were plenty angry at Shampoo for wanting Ranma, even though otherwise you both could care less about each other. Then there's Akane, and
Kodachi... From what I can see, it really didn't matter what kind of personality the girl has, you'll still be angry, petty and competitive against a girl if they're after Ranma. 

And even though he's a jackass, Ranma

did tell me constantly that I was just a friend.  Of course, that
doesn't help when I'm going to have to deal with my family.'

You're chopped liver, Ukyo. Chopped liver.

With that in mind, Ukyo folded up the letter and set it next to her
futon.  After crawling under the covers, she stared at the ceiling and
let out a long sigh.  Before finally managing to fall asleep, she
muttered something under her breath that she wouldn't likely remember
the next day.

Well, Takahashi was far nicer than this fic is when it comes to Ukyo, though not as 'nice' as the Ukyo fanboys. After all, Takahashi did leave Ukyo Konatsu (and if that didn't work out, then there's Tsubasa... Ukyo's version of the 'Kodachi/Kuno-type' of unwanted suitor)

"Ranma, you jackass."

Cliche catchphrase... Check.

--

Akane laid in her bed, contemplating the rather interesting pattern on
the ceiling of her room, in an effort to ignore the maelstrom of
emotions that she was feeling.

Shinji Ikari: (nods sagely)

This immediately led her into the other predominant emotion she was
undergoing; extreme sadness.  Contrived situations of what was happening
at a certain campsite kept surfacing to torment her.

Gee, the prose is doing my job for me. Good call on the contrived situations!

"Argh!" she grunted.  'There's no way Kasumi would let that pervert do
that.'  It didn't take long for Akane to remember that, with Nabiki's
help, she had already determined that Ranma was not, in fact, a pervert.

Masaka...!

'Old habits die hard,' she thought with a sigh.  This led her back to
the conversation she had with her father not too long ago in which she
agreed to treat Ranma better if they became engaged again.  'Can I
really do it?  Can I stop hitting first and asking questions later?

The problem goes both ways, so even if Akane stops hitting but Ranma doesn't stop teasing, the relationship won't go anywhere. Same thing if Ranma stopped teasing but Akane doesn't stop mistrusting. A relationship is a two-way road, after all.

Can

I give him the benefit of the doubt?'

If Nabiki really did prove her point on Ranma, then Akane wouldn't really do such things. After all, Akane and Ranma had plenty of time (in all versions of Ranma save fanfics) to just sit down and not hit each other. It only happens during those really critical moments when the two won't fess up about their feelings. The 'lover's quarrel' is their comfort zone, after all. The main factor of Akane's insecurities and flaring temper is Ranma not showing any overt indication that he loves and cares about her. Also, Ranma is the anti-Tofu, so his being childish and unkind to Akane is also a factor to their constant bickering.

Once that cleared up, then... well, Akane will probably hit Ranma for the uncouth word or two and nag him about his childishness at times, but the two will be mostly okay. After all, despite appearances, Akane's the closest friend Ranma ever had.

In other words, once Ranma relieves Akane's insecurities and stops his obnoxiousness, then things are practically (not totally, not with those two anyway) resolved. But seeing that Ranma has accepted his role as Kasumi's fiancee, then it really would be best if Akane avoided getting engaged to Ranma again. She did so with Tofu, and she'll do so with Ranma. Actually, it'd be better if she pined for Tofu again, now that he's free from Kasumi.

These questions were not easy for her to answer.  A small consolation
was that Ranma wouldn't have Ukyo or Shampoo hanging all over him
anymore.  

Really, fic. It's not that one-sided. Ranma wasn't exactly a saint when he's around Akane. It's not as simple as "Akane holding her mallet and temper in check for Ranma's sake." The whole Ranma-Akane dynamic involves large amounts of sad, sad irony. Akane gets angry at Ranma for teasing her, but Ranma teases Akane whenever he's put in a spot about her feelings for Akane, while Akane continually wants to know whether or not Ranma has feelings for her. It's a self-perpetuating and complicated situation, admittedly, but the problem isn't certainly solved by just fixing one part of the equation.

This train of thought managed to leave him quite depressed, not enough
for a Perfect Shi Shi Hokodan, but still enough to be very impressive.

Riiiight. A special attack's large size in relation to Ryoga's emotion is the perfect way to analyze how depressed he is, as opposed to just showing how depressed he is. Sounds geeky to me. 

'Dammit, it's all Ranma's fault that I became P-Chan in the first place.
If that hadn't happened, I... that is...'  

Well, it's nice to see that Ryoga's character development in this fic is non-existent to the point that his personality probably regressed. And by nice I mean, 'Oh, not this again.'

It was no use though.  The

verbal tongue lashing that Kasumi had given him several days before
still haunted him.

Kasumi: That wasn't nice at all, Mr. Ryoga. Not. At. All. (wags her finger)

Ryoga: (wanders aimlessly crying)

'Even if she's wrong and it wasn't my fault for

following Ranma, I still didn't have to be Akane's pet.  I also could've
told her myself instead of waiting for it to come out like it did.'

So it was Kasumi who did it. Well now, I'm back to familiar ground when C&Cing fics. Back to the cliched, hackneyed and trite world of author avatars. What other miracles can Kami-Kasumi-sama do for us today?

The words from Kasumi, as well as those from Akane and Mousse, and Ranma

I'm guessing Akane's words should have had more impact on him than that of Kasumi. I mean, Kasumi doesn't even usually involve herself into these things, and Akane's the one who should be most affected. She does have a way with angry, hurt and betrayed words to wrench Ryoga's heart. But Kasumi? What does Ryoga care about and see in Kasumi other than 'future sister-in-law' in his dreams?

It was difficult for Ryoga to understand, but he did his best to apply
his meager intellect to the problem.

Wow, fic. I was wondering where the character bash was! A cliche fic isn't complete without the character bash! Hush now, let's hear what gems from the depths of his 'meager intellect' will Ryoga share to us.

A small noise from the fire drew her to her second task.  Amongst the
troves of lore that her tribe possessed was a formula for a potion that
would allow someone to remain awake for an indefinite period of time.

How about, oh I dunno, Dragon Blood for a Blood Spell?

'Well,' the old crone thought to herself.  'I can make that one the
first things that Shampoo and Ranma do together after their married.  It
will make an excellent honeymoon.'  She let out another shrill sounding
laugh at that.

Cologne: Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble...

'With those bonbori, the new special techniques I've taught her, and all
of the training she's doing, son-in-law won't know what hit him.'

Hmmm. Okay. I was wondering as to what happened to Shampoo. It's an okay plot point and cliffhanger, though at this point I'm too underwhelmed to care.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read. I'd like to hear what you
think. If you can, please take a moment to leave a review, or send me an
email. Remember, negative feedback is welcome as long as it's
constructive. Thanks again.

My comments weren't exactly 'constructive'. If anything, they were very 'deconstructive'. Here's a summary of my pet peeves:

-Kasumi's motivations behind her actions is akin to that of the typical niggling and annoying infatuated teenage girl, to which she is not. She's also getting things way too easy, as if the fic was specifically designed to take good care of Kasumi so that no plot point would leave her too hurt. And when she is 'hurt', she only comes off as annoying. She cries at the mushiest lines that it leaves me wondering why she suddenly had sudden emotional imbalance. Perhaps it's hereditary, as seen with Soun and Akane?

-Ranma uses a New Yorker Accent to substitute for characterization. He also says in this fic what he would probably never say anywhere else except in a similarly-themed OOC fic. He was mushy, he was waffy, he could start a boy band. Yes, Ranma is honorable... but subtle. He doesn't hit the reader on the head with his honor, and he doesn't make long speeches about just how honorable he is. He just is.

-Ranma overreacting in the first bit about touching Kasumi's boobies. Make Akane a psychosis for Ranma, why doncha, fic? Ranma seemed perfectly fine riling up Akane in the manga and anime. In fact, several times he kept on asking for it (in the literal sense). There was this one time in the manga where he teased Akane just to check is she's all right. If he really is that affected by Akane bashing his skull in, then he would do _everything_ in his power to avoid her wrath in any way possible. Secondly, why would he overreact like that to Kasumi, of all people? "She's going to hit me! OMG! All women are like Akane! AHHH!!!" isn't the right thoughts for Ranma at the time... It instead should be, "OMG! I touched Kasumi! This is wrong! WRONG!"

-The fic is cloying. Far more cloying than Marmalade Boy or Sailor Moon could ever hope to be, especially in those middle scenes with Ranma and Kasumi telling each other how much they love each other (too much, Ranma says... I'm inclined to agree).

-Ryoga had a little bit of character bashing (a thankfully it's just a little bit), but it is indicative of how 'biased' the narrative prose is here. One of the setbacks of 'tell, not show' is that it leaves only one point of view in the story... the author's view. With jaundiced accounts on how "Ranma and Kasumi's conversation isn't forced" or how "Ryoga is depressed enough to make really big ki-balls" or how "Akane is the one at fault why her relationship with Ranma never worked," it eases the reader from the trouble of thinking and judging for themselves how the characters act or if their actions are justified.

-The fic has substituted Ukyo with a catchphrase. That's right, all one needs to know about her is that she says, "Ranma, you jackass" a lot. Well, "jackass" is certainly a better translation to "aho" than "moron", but at the very least "jackass" wasn't repeated nine times straight.

-Everything was solved in the span of 20 chapters. Now, I have no problems with problems getting solved in Ranma 1/2 fics, it's just that the way they were solved seems slightly centered towards one character and one character alone... Kasumi. Even Ryoga was more shocked at Kasumi's words than he was with Akane's words (doesn't make a lick of sense to me). This Kasumi-worship fic is nearing Author Avatarish territory. Besides, it sounds rather iffy to me how all the fiancees were dealt with, how Akane's taking things, and how Kasumi was behind most of this rather contrived instances. 

-Mousse helping Ranma beat up Shampoo. I say it's still wrong, and one of the reasons it never happened in the manga is because Mousse will never help Ranma beat up his beloved Shampoo.

-The laughably sinister Cologne. She's more 'laughably' than 'sinister'.

The good news:

-Your grammar was all right. Impeccable, even. There were li'l corrections here and there, but nothing big that a rewrite is needed. Sure, I probably didn't notice the grammar corrections because I wasn't that concentrated on them, but at the very least it was very, very readable. You can write descriptive prose without letting it become purplish, you can tell not show things well enough to give the reader an idea of what's going on in the scene, and obviously you're a very accomplished author to have written 20 chapters of this and possibly other fics I don't know about. Kudos to you on that regard, your writing doesn't make me want to gauge my eyes out.

-Kodachi's characterization, though it was the only characterization you got right IMO, you nailed dead on. But of course this is Kodachi, the creepy li'l bitch of the Ranma crew, so no one really cares if you show people her good-natured and luxurious side or her cackling, alligator-feeding, sabotage-slanted, demented side. Still, you got her right, so that's good.

-The narrative prose, though 'tell-y' not 'showy', flowed well. I read it through and not once did I find stick-out-like-sore-thumbs thesaurus words and wtf?! sentences. You didn't over-punctuate either, which is a good thing. Your prereaders and your wife are doing great. To sum it all up? This fic is very, very well written, no doubt about that. It was only the content that I had problems with. It sounded a bit too much like a CORK propaganda piece, if CORK was a political party. 

Soooo that's nine negative points against three positive points, for a total score of negative six points. I'm truly sorry, but there's just no way I could actually see this fic as in character, believable or readable. I was expecting a good, though already-read-before piece. Not... this. I've already said what I can say about this fic from the above C&C. Nevertheless, these are all only my opinions and shouldn't be taken in at face value. My standard disclaimer is:

I'd like to clarify that this isn't a simple "bash the fic" thing I'm doing here. This is a critique. Please don't go mentally simplifying my comments (incorrectly) as "He just didn't like my fic so anything he says can't be taken seriously." It's your jurisdiction to ignore the comments, yes, and to take them with a grain of salt, yes, but please do at least consider that this isn't just bias talking when I say, "This fanfic is suspiciously partial to Kasumi."

OTOH, if the MAIN point of your story is to be _exactly_ like I described it to be... Kasumi worship + OOCness + cliche et al... then fine by me. If you can justify the way Kasumi and Ranma acted as 'not at all OOC, but completely believable', then by all means, I want to hear it. If you think that the label 'Character Worship bordering Author Avatar fanfic' is misappropriated here and a bit much when describing what I see as your fic's faults, then I'll love it if you'd explain why, if you want to. Or not. It's still cool. Even if I disagree with your explanation, opinions are only opinions. They just are. (shrug) I've already given my two cents and my take on your fic, it's up to you whether you find them of some use or not. 

In any case, ignore my vinegar-laced comments if you'd like. I'm only "keeping it real" and telling you straight out what I found wrong in the fic. If you want to keep your fic as is, good. If you found my comments helpful in some level, even better. The best advice I could give you that you needn't take with a grain of salt is to keep on writing... It's the best solution to character bashing, a godly Kasumi, an overreacting and mushy Ranma, and presumptuous notions: actual experience of what a better story constitutes. I would also suggest to read more fics, or to just read more books; it really helps. That's my two cents. Abdiel out. 



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