Nice story; I approve.  But not a great deal to say, as
it turned out.

Quoting DB Sommer <sommert@connecttime.net>:

Or at least dressed like a girl, since going for
normal was aiming a bit too high.

Heh.

Assuming it was Tomo, Yomi was about to snarl out a
response when identified

"when she identified"

"No, it's Tomo. Tomo Tokino."

"Tomo Takino"

Yukari stared at Tomo. "Asking implies a level of
concern about you on my part that simply doesn't
exist."

Heh.  That's kind of articulate (at least in Japanese)
for Yukari, but it is funny.

Kaorin shook her head sadly as she whispered to
Chihiro, "I think this is proves beyond a shadow

"I think this proves..."

Chihiro was nearly swooning. "I think she's the
cutest girl in the class."

Kaorin made a choking sound. "She is not. Sakaki is
the cutest girl in class."

This discussion reads kind of funny to me, given that
they're using "cutest".  How about "handsomest"?

Toward the front of the class, Sakaki turned a shade
of crimson reserved for ripe tomatoes

...Even if she's THIS red?

Sakaki's reaction would have to change if you used
"handsomest", though.

Tomo's voice bellowed, "Hey there, Buddy, you'd
better be ready for the fight of your life when you
go hitting on another man's woman."

Heh.  Although one wonders what Tomo would have done if
Yuuto had accepted her challenge...

"It happens in the movies all the time."

Yes, both Ranma feature films.

The girls gathered on one side of the track, 
preparing for a hundred meter dash. As Kagura
stretched out on the ground, Tomo walked over to her,
smirking.

No mention of which gym uniform Tomo's wearing?

 you bullshit as much as any guy."

Heh.

...and made fun of the idiot who did it for years."

Sudden enlightenment on who she's talking about...

"---definitely not in any way shape or form Minamo

"way, shape, or form"  (at least I'd write it that way)



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