"Hey," Akane whispered, shaking her fiancee gently. "Wake up.
Wake up, Ranma."

fiance
(one e for a man; look for this elsewhere)

"You CAN'T!" she insisted, shaking him. "I... I can help you,
Ranma. Not by fighting it. I'll keep my promise. But... I
learned something from Elder Cologne that can give you the
edge. Something to do before you fight it for the last time."

Why am I getting flashbacks to "The Ultimate Moko Takabisha"?
(http://www.fanfic.net/pub/Anime/FanFictions/Ranma/ranma.the-ultimate-moko-takabisha.gz)

The blast of cold water hit her like cannonball.

like a cannonball.

The Reikoku brought her closer.  Curved claws, covered with
chitinous armor and sharper than the edges of broken glass,
reared back to strike.  Heavy ki-energy pulsed from Ryouga-
chan's body as she prepared to unleash the attack that she was
certain would fail.

Then, she heard Ukyou's voice.

"RYOUGA!"

She screamed from the stands, and Ryouga-chan could see
her.  She was bruised and bandaged, her arm was in a sling,
and some of the other women were trying to hold her back, but
she was there.  Kuonji Ukyou was there, crying her name in
desperation, her good arm reaching out as if to touch her.

Actually, this could've been a very bad idea on Ukyo's part. If Ryoga's shishi
hokodan had been a bit further along, it could've blown up in his face. She's
basically doing what Ranma did intentionally to beat Ryoga in the original SSH
story.

One thing you might want to consider is to rewrite it to reveal Ukyo's plan (and
continued existence) a little earlier. I don't think you'd lose any suspense
this way, because her original plan clearly wasn't working, and you get the
added suspense of whether she's going to change her mind and reveal the truth
to him or not. I'm really not sure whether it'd be better this way or not, so
I'll just throw the idea out for consideration.

A single moment seems like nothing - they rush by like a river
every day, these seconds and split-seconds that make up our
lives.  Yet there are times, important times, when time slows
down for us and releases us from its relentless grasp, and we
find ourselves suspended in a perfect space of revelation.

A single moment is all it takes to change everything.

Ryouga-chan saw the despair in her heart with new eyes, seeing
it for what it truly was for the first time.  The misery and
depression that she had lugged through her days and lonely
nights was only a shadow, a shadow cast by the light of
something greater.  The only reason her despair could be so
deep was that her capacity for love was so very, very great.
It was that love that she found now in herself, a burning sun
inside her that she had only glimpsed before, but which now
dazzled her with its infinite radiance.

<This is what's in me?> she thought in wonder.  She reached
for that sun, that endless, brilliant fountain of love, and
drew from its power.

Erhm. I don't know about anyone else, but for me this section laid it on a
little too thick.

"Ryouga!" she called.  "Remember what happened to Pantyhose!"

Several of the temple women looked at her with bewilderment,

PRIESTESS: Poor girl... a time like this, and all she can think about is her
wardrobe....

NATSUME: What happened to Pantyhose?

UKYO: Pantyhose hadda run.

The creature slashed, carving a furrow through the tempered
steel until its mantis-claw came free.  It sliced again,
catching the spatula in the grip and shearing clean through
the shaft.  The mangled head of the weapon tumbled off,
leaving Ryouga-chan only with a short length of steel.

"NO!" Ukyou screamed.

RYOGA: I'm all right! I'll still beat this thing!

UKYO: Who cares about YOU?! My beautiful spatula's wrecked!

"I'm not takin' a train," Ranma cut her off. "I'm not runnin'
from that monster anymore."

Silence greeted this proclamation. He heard the little sounds
of shuffling papers for a few moments. Then: "I'm sorry, I
didn't quite catch that."

NABIKI: EXPURGATED VERSION of OLSEN'S STANDARD BOOK OF BRITISH BIRDS?!?

RANMA: The one witout the Reikoku.

(I assume that line was an in-joke reference. Otherwise it's a heck of a
coincidence that you used it word-for-word.)

"Nothing," Ukyou said, though she knew what Ryouga-chan had
meant.  As the consummate wanderer, Hibiki Ryouga was not the
easiest person to track down at a moment's notice.  Nor should
these priestesses expect punctual check-ins from a person who
could barely find her way out of a broom closet.  They
might've picked up an exceptional fighter with Ryouga-chan as
a Guardian, but the priestesses of the Temple of Three
shouldn't hope for her to be around whenever they wanted.

RYOGA: What if the priestesses want me back at the temple but I can't be found?

KURUMI: Not to worry. There's someone they can summon to track you down.

RYOGA: *cough*

The fact was, Ukyou realized, she just didn't like to lose.
No good fighter did.  Once she'd decided to engage in the
Saotome Ranma challenge as one of his fiancees, her
warrior's heart kept her going every bit as much as the
feelings she bore for Ranma.

She stole a look at Ryouga-chan, and caught the Lost Girl
staring at her.  Ryouga-chan turned away, blushing, but leaned
her shoulder into Ukyou a little more.

<I haven't lost,> she thought, grinning as she felt Ryouga-
chan's warmth through the bandages on her arms.  <Not at all.>

Nice character development scene. It's a sweet moment without going over the
top.

Not much to say here except that I'm looking forward to reading the exciting
conclusion!



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