Since I spammed in an offshoot thread for this fic, I had better comment on the
story.

I still think that whatsisname could be improved as a new character. We've seen
some of his background, which is good. But what's missing is his own
feelings about the whole thing. We don't get into his head to see what drives
him. His motivations for picking a fight with Ranma come off as paper-thin,
because we really don't know what motivates him in general.

As an example of what I'm talking about, perhaps this guy secretly feels that
he's unworthy to inherit the mantle of his school. Thus he would be constantly
trying to prove himself and probably lash out at anyone who suggests that he
isn't able to meet any given challenge. Alternatively, maybe he doesn't want to
succeed his school at all; maybe he really yearns for a quiet, everyday
existence, but stays with his school because he's afraid to burn his bridges
behind him.

These are just a couple of examples. What's important is that we get some idea
of what this guy really wants, and why, and especially of his emotional
vulnerabilities. What could someone say or do that would really deep down get
to him?

As to his sister, make sure she has a reason for being there. If she's just
there to move the plot, to give him a reason for kidnapping Genma-panda, that's
okay, but it's much better if she reveals something about this guy's character,
either through their interactions or just by contrast.

A few other random suggestions:

1) One really distracting mistake I noticed throughout the chapter: You should
add 's (apostrophe-s) to a word only when it is either a possessive ("These are
Akane's cookies...") or a contraction with "is" or something similar ("...but
Akane's not a very good cook.") Never use an apostrophe if all you want is more
than one of something. ("The casts of KOR and Maho Tsukai Tsai just showed up,
so that makes two more Akanes to deal with.")

2) "Face-fault" is a tired old cliche; I suggest not using it unless you can do
something really fresh or clever with it. Try to come up with an at least
seim-original description of what these faces looked like.

3) Likewise, try not to throw in Terry Pratchett-style witticisms (like putting
a trademark mark after something familiar) unless they really fit. It's fine if
your writing in this kind of style consistently, or if you're narrating from the
viewpoint of a character who fits the style (e.g. a Spider-man-type smart-ass).
But neither of these seem to be the case in your story.

4) Akane learning the truth about P-chan as you've shown it comes off to me as
very contrived. In thirty-eight volumes of original series, events conspired to
*keep* her from finding out. Why the sudden change now? It seems to be just
because you as the author wanted it that way.

Again, good luck with your story. Keep working to become better and better, and
I'm sure you'll succeed.


-Gary



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