Another 'short and sweet' ficlet to C&C.
Arthur Hansen wrote:
Ranma Unleashed V
[Late July, 2001 - Tokyo International Airport]
"Flight 1138 from Metropolis is now debarking. Thank you for flying Japan
Airlines!" the female voice sing-songed over the intercom.
In general, singsong (sans hyphen) is a noun and not a verb. So naturally, it doesn't have a past tense form. Therefore, 'sing-songed' or even 'singsonged' is wrong. OTOH, why not? Let's call it artistic license, since I can't think of a better word to substitute for it. It's your call.
Clark glared at the speaker. "I definitely don't like international flights
like this," he said.
I half-expected Supes to go into monologue about international flights, but then I remembered this is the soft-spoken Dean Cain Supes speaking, who surprisingly lacks his comic counterparts tendency to speak to himself.
"They said they'd be happy to deal with the Jane and Mary for a week or so.
(sigh) I'll write this off as alt-verse, or are the twins adopted? 'Coz here's my own little 'nitpick'.
<nitpick> It's been discussed, at great length, about how Supes could never have children with Lois. He, after all, is another species separate from Homo Sapien, so the rough equivalent of Supes mating with Lois is Becky the circus hand fornicating with the circus gorilla. It's, quite literally sodomy. A hole that's wasn't made to be poked at with Supes super rod. D.C. comics themselves can back me up on this... Kryptonians can only mate with Kryptonians. Supes having superbabies with Lois is super-wrong and impossible under normal mating conditions. Obviously DNA-manipulated babies are in order, but that's another nerdy discussion to be opened in another nerdy day. My point is that Superman-Lois babies are a no-no. But who cares, right? This is just a fanfic! Go crazy! Besides, if the TV networks had any say on it, they'd go for the super babies thing. It was just FYI, anyway. </nitpick>
And we should be back by then." The winsome reporter smiled at her husband.
"Besides, they raised you. I think they can handle their grandchildren for a
while."
That's right, Supes. Keep an eye on Hatcher-Lane, lest she becomes a desperate housewife, believe it or not.
"They're perfectly normal kids. I'm sure she'll have them in the play pen
watching TV while she knits or whatever she's got as a project this year."
Lois was finally able to grab her luggage. She made a show of heaving them,
even though for her, they were almost weightless.
Somebody was sitting too close to the lightning rod-like TV antenna while having super-nookie with Superman? I say it's super-nookie, 'coz I don't want to go there with super-sodomy, nopenopenope.
"Nerima. That's one of the areas of the city to the northwest. Used to be
its own city or town, but got swallowed up by the greater Tokyo metropolitan
area."
There was a recent debate about this in the FFML, but as for me? I was more interested in the viability of Supes and Lois procreating, so I ranted about that instead.
"Well, that's why he pay us the big bucks."
"Well, that's why he pays us the big bucks."
"So, Leonard, what information do you have on this mystery girl?" Lex Luthor
asked as he exited a private airplane.
Suggest: his private airplane
He let himself be led towards an
unobtrusive entrance that was not used by the public.
Gretchen followed Lex and Leonard quietly, her mind working overtime. She
listened very attentively. Behind them were two of Lex's body guards from
Mexico.
Lex: It's my new reality show. Leonard was last year's winner, and Gretchen's last seasons. Trump's got nothing on me.
"Another one like those GI Jane and Ultra Woman dames, eh?" he replied.
How old is Leonard? A hundred? Who uses the word 'dames' outside of George Burns and Ol' Blue eyes anyway?
"Well, it seems like this girl is active in just one of the local wards or
boroughs of the city. Place named Nerima. No heavy industries to speak of,
just homes and such out there. Overgrown bedroom community."
It's been said in the debates that no, Nerima isn't a bedroom community where everybody knows your name. I have no idea of the viability of the statement, but it might do you good to look it up just in case. It's for the believability and authenticity of the fanfic, after all.
"My Engrish is good! Questions you ask?" Yuka said in a twitter.
Heh. Amusing.
"Yes, we're reporters-" the tall man said.
"Report? My Engrish report got B+!" she enthused right back. She was
obviously falling into the normal pastime of any semi-competent English
speaker in Japan, practicing her English on some hapless Americans.
LOL. Though it would be nice if this went both ways...
Clark, in perfect Japanese, asked in shock, "He threw a martial arts attack
that blasted some kid right through a wall?"
Curiously, even though this is Super-freakin' Superman, I have to ask... Where the hell did Clark learn Japanese? Can this be backed up by some random issue? Or did you make it up? Ultimately, it's just curiosity getting the best of me, but generally speaking making a person conveniently know a foreign language for no good reason except "It's because he's Super-freakin' Superman!" is a copout and bad writing.
"So I understand. You've had a very exciting week, I take it?" Clark asked
as he scribbled a note on his notepad.
"Very!"
Ranma slipped off at that point. Those Americans seemed like they were going
to be some trouble, he thought as he started to hop from roof to roof on his
way back to the Tendo Dojo. He might have to do something to protect his
'secret' identity. Maybe a helmet or mask. That Ultrawoman wore a mask, so
that may work.
A spandex suit and a cape without a mask can work wonders in concealing your identity in the DC world... as opposed to making you stand out like a sore thumb and still be recognized at the crazy spandex-and-cape-wearing kid who incidentally can fly.
Clark blinked in surprise as he saw a young man hopping across the rooftops
on his way somewhere with some groceries. Something looked odd with his
jumps, he thought. He wasn't damaging the roofs with his thirty-foot jumps.
It was oddly a bit like that ninja he had fought years ago.
Nice. There we go. Mr. Kent fought a ninja. So did he become suddenly interested in Japanese culture during this time or has he been going to many more Japan trips that I couldn't remember in the original Lois and Clark series? Perhaps this is fanfic retroactive continuity in the author's part? Inquiring minds must know.
Lois said goodbye to Yuka and then turned to her distracted husband. "Seeing
something interesting?"
Suggest: "Saw something interesting?"
Yeah, even though your version may be technically 'more' correct (Clark is currently seeing something of interest), the sentence, IMO, just sounds wrong. Suggest revising.
Lois blinked at that. "Better? Didn't that guy cut Superman?"
"Well, I think that was a magic knife or something, but yeah."
Ah, yes. The _other_ Superman weakness... magic. Theoretically, Eternal Sailormoon has the capabilities to lay the smackdown on Supes.
"Lex Corp. would be interested in possibly paying for any information you
might have about her. Say where she lived, how to get a hold of her. Who her
friends are. That sort of thing. We might even be able to reimburse you for
a significant amount of the fee you payed for your, um, training you
paid
Also, the Ultra Soldier thing works basically the same as the Marvel Super Soldier Serum?
Also, I have to say congratulations. The pacing of the fic is decent and the narrative prose doesn't compel me to tear my eyeballs out. The bit of realism with Yuka, Sayuri, Lois and Clark on language barriers was a nice touch.
It was finally Saturday and Ranma was going to be leaving in just a few
hours for a military base where he would get flown to the United States. But
for now, Ranma and Akane were just walking home silently. An uncomfortable
silence had grown between them.
Akane finally broke the quiet. "I wish I could go with you."
Ranma grimaced. "I don't. I'm not a big fan of doctors. Most of 'em are
quacks."
She smiled wistfully at him. "But it's a grand adventure. I've never been
further than the beach or the mountains on vacation. And you've been to
China and you're going to the U.S."
Hmmm. So is this an alternate, Ranma-is-nice-to-Akane-and-vice-versa thing going on? I guess it's possible, and I'll probably have to do some re-reading on the earlier chapters to find out how that came to be. Generally speaking, though, without Takahashi's little stunt on Akane and Ranma, Akane _can_ be very congenial to Ranma. Still, I'd expect Akane to be a bit peeved about Ranma's arrogance if anything else. He is quite the blowhard. On the other hand, your Ranma might be nicer than canon Ranma, which is okay just as long as you don't let it tread avatarish waters.
"Adventure is way over rated,"
overrated
Ranma heard the sound of a van door being slid open, even as it screamed
danger to him. He started to crouch when a man in an all black commando type
outfit blurred through the smoke at them. The crackle of his tazer was
covered by the cracks and pops of firecrackers. The martial artist was hardy
and tough, but the jolt through the tazer was designed to stop large men,
not slight young ones.
I'm a bit divided on this one, but since Ranma's been known to get knocked down when blindsided and sucker punched, why not? So he gets it via a tazer. So much for him being a cause of concern for Supes, who'd sooner develop electricity-based powers from the tazer than be K.O.ed by the device.
With no effort, the commando-garbed man tossed the two, stunned, young
adults into the van with casual super-strength.
"Drive, Leonard. We got what we came for," Sancho said as he started to tie
the two martial artists up with quick ties from the American Police. The
high tech kevlar and plastic zipps
I can't make a grammar correction on words I'm not familiar with, so what the hell is a 'zipp'?
Hiroshi nodded. "Yeah. It was pretty good. Much better than the science club
Nitpick, suggest: Science Club
"Pretty melted," Lois noted. "I think that's a Mitsu-Lex trigger. You said
some kids made this?" she asked Diasuke.
Daisuke
"Nope. No one's claimed they did it. Which is odd, as usually it's bragging
rights to do something this big. There was so much smoke and flashes you
couldn't even see ten feet in front of you!" Diasuke frowned as he thought
Daisuke frowned...
"Work, of course." Lois turned to Clark. "That ties in with the rumors that
some of Lex's bully boys were noising around-"
I think what you meant was 'nosying' but unfortunately 'nosying' isn't a word. As it is, though, it sounds like Lex's bully boys were making lots of noise.
Rising Sun almost couldn't hear them over the interference. A sensor on her
helmet was signaling a large increase in heat, even as she realized that the
very air was burning out of her way. The plasma storm subsided subsided as
Repetition of the word 'subsided'
he left the atmosphere.
"Repeat, Rising Sun, can you hear me?" Jade Garden called again.
"Yes, I can hear you. I need a link to OZ now. I believe to people have been
I believe two people...
kidnapped due to an Ultra situation."
"Roger that! You rattled a lot of windows in Nerima taking off like that.
You even managed to break your speed record too. MACH 4.34 with that stunt
in the atmosphere. Now you are leveling off at 800 gravities in outer
space," the operator said. "Connecting you to OZ."
Aw, no special code words? :) "Yellow brick road online. Oz, come in Oz... this is Kansas speaking, over. Code Orange: There's no place like home. I repeat... Code Orange: There's no place like home. Over."
"One second, General. Rising Sun, you need to slow down. You are going to
too
fast to reenter the atmosphere safely. I repeat, slow down for reentry," the
radar operator called out loudly.
"Roger!" Rising Sun confirmed. She hated to slow down, but even as powerful
as she was, she would not survive that.
Survive what?
Suggest: replacing 'that' with 'reentry at incredible speeds' or something of the sort.
"She's doing better after her latest chemotherapy. The doctor have high
doctor has
hopes that her Leukemia will finally go into remission."
"I just hope that the treatment that Luthor Medical Industries pioneered
doesn't keep getting bogged down in paperwork. Too many other people need
the help that your daughter is getting," Lex said with convincing sincerity.
Yeah, sounds about right. Very Lex Luthor.
"Like babies. They won't wake up until we are on the The Retreat. Then we
Unnecessary repeat of the word 'the'. Just get rid of the uncapitalized 'the'.
"I'm going to live forever. I think my conscious can handle a few qualms."
conscience
Overall? For something so short, it's quite well-written, save for the little spelling errors here and there. It's not a general rule to make a chapter longer than this, but as it is the balance of pacing and content fits with the amount of kilobytes this fic has. Kudos to you on that department. I have not much to say on the plot department. Instead of a bitchy nitpicking editor, you've instead lured the reader in me outside, letting him hang on every word your fic spews out. Simply put, I'm now just a reader waiting for the next installments of this fic. Very good story, and very good presentation of your story. Though this isn't one of the best stories in the FFML at present, this is certianly one of the better ones that shouldn't be overlooked by those Superman comic fans in general. Please do keep on writing... Abdiel out.
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