Chester Albert G Casta�eda wrote:

Hello. I've got some C&C here.

Very much appreciated! Thanks!

A.V. Morgan wrote:

[FanFic][Ranma][Divergence][Rev] Reflections Vol 1 Part 02


Ranma Nibunnoichi - Reflections : Vol. 01 - Stuck in the Middle
With You A V. Morgan avmorgan27@comcast.net


Repost Note: Fixed formatting errors.

That's good to hear, since formatting errors kills more fics than Self 
Insert content.

A very good point. I was very upset when the first post turned into a 
solid chunk of unintelligible text! In the interest of trying to make 
this revision as error free as possible, I have held off from posting 
the next few chapters until I've had a chance to proof it again... 
grammar and spell check both miss to many mistakes.

A general question, and if the answer is in the FAQ, I apologize... I 
understand that submissions are archived, so, when a fic has been 
revised after C&C, is it acceptible to submit the final draft to the 
list, or is there some way to submit those directly to the archive? I 
often wonder if people are interested in seeing a "clean" version of a 
story they've already read in raw form on the list? ::shrugs:: I imagine 
I could at least post a URL to a personal archive site for those who 
were interested, ne?

splashing in the pond,

Ah. The evil, everpresent, post-proof typo!

walking by sucking on the last of a Popsicle,

This sentence reads weird. It suggests that the only Nabiki could walk 
was by sucking on the last of a Popsicle.

Nabiki, walking by and sucking on the last of a Popsicle, just shook her 
head...

...and smiled to herself. Under one arm, she carried a basket
with her bath things crammed inside.

While I'm all for making it clear where the character is and what 
she's doing by minute descriptions of the scene, I think the last 
sentence is extraneous. No need to describe her every last peripheral 
if it adds nothing to the story.

That sentence is a result of the "show, don't tell" sort of advice I've 
been given in the past. In the manga and anime, you often see such 
props--which is the advantage of a visual story telling media. I suppose 
I put the detail in to add a little more realism, indicating that Nabiki 
was headed to or from the furo without simply stating it.

I don't think this sentence is essential, but it is typical of me to be 
more discriptive in the opening paragraphs of a chapter, when I am 
"setting the scene".

"It's probably a violation of some natural law that Akane did
not find you in here first," she grinned, watching them both
start in shock. It did not take much imagination to picture the
explosion accompanying a visit from Akane. Shallow as their
experiences were, the death-trap-in-a-dress with the hair-
trigger temper who was known as Akane had made an impression on
both of them. Since her target of choice was Ranma shaped, it
was not hard to classify her as a threat to their own well
being.

(shrugs) Though your prose is flowing reasonably well in this 
paragraph, all I can say is, "So...?" It's like you're over-explaining 
things. I mean, what else has your detailed narrative told that the 
average Ranma-fic reader doesn't know? It's too bad though, since, as 
was mentioned, the prose in this paragraph was easy to read.

Actually, my own criticism of this paragraph is that it starts from 
Nabiki's POV and shifts to the POV of the copies totally 
inappropriately. I simply failed to make a clear jump from Nabiki to 
them. It does rehash things, but it was intended to show what the copies 
had managed to assimlate by this point. It is just in the wrong place, 
unfortunately. I made this mistake often in the first draft, so it's not 
surprising that it still turns up now and then.

Most importantly, however, their privacy had been
interrupted. Not feeling comfortable continuing their activities
in Nabiki's presence, they tripped over each other to vacate the
bath. Shaking her head, Nabiki shut the door after them and
sighed, "Unbelievable. They're both just like him."

Nabiki: I never thought clones could be so alike. (shock)

This was a running joke in the "Two Ranmas" arc, so this is actually a 
continuation of that.

A short while later, as Nabiki rinsed the soap and shampoo away,
and slipped into the warmth of the furo, Kasumi was trying to
complete her chores for the night.

It's too bad the smooth flow of prose from before had to be 
interrupted by this car wreck narrative. I don't think you need to 
mention Kasumi there. She was in no way segued properly here. Like I 
said, it was a head-on collision of two different trains of thought.

Hmmm. Another unclear transition... I sort of have to mention Kasumi, 
since I am shifting from following Nabiki to following Kasumi. If 
anything, I suppose it would make more sense to not mention Nabiki. That 
was only in there to suggest the elapse of time--the time it took Nabiki 
to wash and rinse off before getting into the furo. I'll think of how to 
present that better...

The panda grunted, his attention unwaveringly focused on the
game with Soun.

"About what, Kasumi?" Ranma asked, rising from his spot at the
table and facing her curiously.

"Ah, well�" Kasumi blushed and fidgeted uncharacteristically.

Your ellipses after the word 'well' will probably not translate well 
in ASCII form. FYI, that's yet another formatting error. Well, here's 
a li'l tip if you're using Microsoft Word (if not, might I suggest 
using a plaintext writing program?) Go to the Tools menu, click 
AutoCorrect', then unclick all the options there. That way, your fic 
is sure to become ASCII friendly on all formats.

I do all my writing in Word. It's not the best, but I am familiar with 
the tools and it's what I have. I assumed that saving in plain text 
would remove auto formatting features. ::shakes head:: Sadly, given the 
amount of material already written, fixing things like this requires a 
long list of search and replace corrections--and it's necessary only for 
posting to the FFML. I do everything else in HTML (or try to, anyway!).

Ranma swallowed nervously.

"It's kind of startling. I mean, they are so much like you,
Ranma-kun."

Nabiki: They love each other almost as much as you love yourself. 
Wait, they are you, so it's no surprise.

Ranma: Aw, come on! Like I'd want to make out with me! Though I'd bet 
I'm a good kisser... (considers)

Again, part of the same running joke. With Nabiki, the references are 
sarcastic, but in Kasumi's they are naive. This is an understated 
reference to when the family was spying on Ranma and Akane trying to 
kiss but being too self conscious to actually do it. There are other 
layers to it, but... why spell it all out? Some people will see more, 
some will see less. I wish I could make it perfect, but... there just 
isn't enough time to acheive perfection.

Ranma opened his mouth to protest, but Akane interrupted. "What
have they done this time, Oneechan?"

(shrug) Why not 'Onee-chan' for consistency's sake? (you did, after 
all, made use of 'Ranma-kun' as opposed to 'Ranmakun')

Heh. Probably because I picked it up from an author who did not 
hyphenate it. Or, I am just used to hearing it (from watching anime). 
I'm not very consistant when it comes to using Japanese words or 
phrases. The turn up in my writing through simple assimilation, like 
using "genkan" and "engawa". If I had a proof-reader or was a real 
student of Japanese, I would be more careful, and it's a simple 
correction to make once it's been pointed out. ::grins::

Ranma and Akane found the closet door ajar as they approached.
Looking inside, it was evident that the couple had fled after
being discovered. They looked around the house and dojo for a
while, trying to find them, but had little success.

Scampering around the house like mice in heat, I see.

More or less the situation I was trying to illustrate. ^_^

Frustrated

by the fruitless search, and reminded by his stomach that he had
not finished dinner, Ranma wandered into the kitchen to prepare
a snack. Turning on the lights, he spotted the couple in the
corner, eyes closed and lips a hair away from touching. Ranma
stood there for a moment in a kind of shock. With one eye
twitching, he struggled with a feeling he could not describe.

Heh. Nice visual. Very anime-ish.

Thank you.

shameless couple anywhere in Tokyo, it was the pair right in
front of him. On some obtuse level, Ranma took their inability
to succeed in their endeavor as a personal insult. Finally he

Eyng?

Eyng? Not familiar with that term... ::scratches head:: But, if you are 
simply confused, this is merely an odd side effect of the reflection's 
nature, combined with their mental state, creating a barrier between the 
copies. It's not explained, because it's not understood by any of the 
characters.

could not take it. Oblivious to Akane frozen in outrage and
apprehension behind him, he grabbed the girl and whipped her
around to face him. "What's with you? You didn't have any
problems kissing Ryouga!" he accused. The couple blinked at him
in confusion.

Ah.

"Ranma!" Akane shouted in disbelief, startling her fiance and
causing his duplicates to cringe. The surge of anger washed out
the concern that had gripped her when she caught Ranma staring
at Anma and Anko. "Are you trying to encourage her!?" Akane
demanded righteously, as she pounded Ranma to the floor.

demanded righteously as she pounded Ranma to the floor. (get rid of 
the comma)

No prob. It just felt like a compound sentence to me...

Ranma slowly picked himself up off the kitchen floor, swallowing
the surge of fury inspired by Akane's "conversation stopper" and
looked around. As expected, the lovebirds had flown the coop.

(shrug) At the very least, this is a fanfic that has a point of 
interest to sink my teeth into. I mean, the last two fics I C&Ced had 
me struggling to keep awake... they had me asking, "What's the point?" 
Here, we have something to, er, look forward to. Ah, plot points...

I tripped over this comment the first time I read it. ::grins:: I 
appreciate the compliment, of course, but I could not figure out what 
prompted it.

While he had tried to explain to Akane, who did not listen to a
word, that he had only been confused by odd repulsion he had
detected between the copies, they had gotten away.

To Akane's credit, the truth in this case was stranger than fiction.

So true.

Taking a deep

breath and letting it out in a long sigh, Ranma shook his head.
Why didn't Akane notice something weird was goin' on with those
two? Ranma asked himself.

Had this been an Akane-bashing author *coughoagraesojcough* Ranma 
would have thought, "Why is it that Akane is so dull when it comes to 
ki-sensing? That uncute and clumsy gorilla-strong amateur..."

I don't consider Akane--or anyone, really--to be the villian of this 
story. A number of bad things happen as a result of how certain 
individuals act or react to the situations that evolve. They all have 
their reasons. Some are rather narrow, prejudiced, or self centered. I 
did not always give enough insight into each character to explain their 
actions, and Akane, in particular, comes out looking very bad because of 
that. It's something I am trying to address in this revision.

He had seen then snuggle and kiss

He had seen them snuggle and kiss

Right. Thanks.

But, Ranma knew he would be held responsible, that everyone
would keep on judging him on the basis of what they did.

Unfortunate, that. Like how children have to deal with famous parents.

A good observation.

He was still angry about the things Akane had

said to him before stomping off.

Well, that's new. Usually it's the other way around.

Enough straws will break a camel's back, but before that happens, the 
camel will certainly begin to notice and start complaining. This... is 
foreshadowing. Bwaaaahaaahaaahaaa! Ahem. Excuse me.

The beating he had received was

already forgotten, but her accusations still burned in his mind.

Well, that's certainly another thing about Ranma... the only reason in 
my mind that would keep him from 'hating' Akane altogether despite her 
being 'violent and psychotic'... Ranma can 'shrug off' most of Akane's 
outbursts of temper.

::nod nod:: Ranma can take physical abuse and insults VERY well. They've 
been his bread and butter for a decade. Some of Akane's insults slip 
through the cracks in Ranma's armor, created by the curse, and those are 
harder for Ranma to shrug off. One problem Ranma has with Akane's 
violence, is that it contradicts his notions of femininity. Akane's 
outbursts put her in a class with Genma... not a very attractive 
proposition...

The fact that she refused to hear his explanation gnawed at him
worse. The fact that she still held him responsible, and
despised him, for things that he was not responsible for--for
things that happened to him, rankled the worst.

Really? This is usually what happens between them, really... Akane 
thinking the worst about Ranma in certain situations because of her 
previous 'trauma' with him, I mean. I don't see why he should be 
affected this much over an incident which isn't particularly exclusive 
to many other similar incidents.

If you isolate the arguement with Akane, and the resulting pounding, 
it's business as usual. Sure. But, this is on top of his problems with 
Anma, Anko, and Happosai. This is after a week of dealing with the 
female clone, and after months of dealing with Happosai. Having the same 
old fight with Akane on top of what's already happened that evening, 
Ranma's been pushed right up to the edge. It's enough to make him 
wonder, and once that door is opened, he confronts the huge pile of 
insults, abuse and misunderstanding he's shrugged off--and it's 
something like a mountain.

Why do I care what she thinks anyway? Ranma thought petulantly,
turning around and preparing for a leap to the roof. Before he
could make another move toward his closest sanctuary, Ranma's
mind flashed over a number of moments when a different Akane had
allowed herself to be glimpsed. An Akane that appeared more
frequently before strangers and casual acquaintances, Ranma
noted unhappily.

Ah yes. The nice Akane. That's the main argument of factions 
supporting non-R&A pair-ups... that Akane, more often than not, acts 
nice to almost everyone else except Ranma. She treats Ranma just a 
little better than she treats Kuno.

It is an easy conclusion to reach, especially if you look at it from 
Ranma's perspective. Akane is nice to most people, including Ranma. For 
the most part, she is civil and polite. She's not a saint. She loses her 
temper easily, and in proportion to how threatening or unsettling the 
situation is. She usually returns to being nice to people once she calms 
down again. But, at the moment, it does not matter how nice Akane really 
is. Ranma is in a bad mood, he is looking at the negatives, complaining 
and feeling sorry for himself. Ranma is not being fair minded at this 
moment... which is fine.

The only time Akane had been unconditionally

sweet and kind and understanding with Ranma had been that short
time after they first met, when Akane had believed Ranma was
really a girl.

Many pro-R&A sites could argue, in great detail, otherwise. Of course, 
this could be Ranma's POV on the situation, with him forgetting many 
of the times Akane had been unconditionally sweet and kind. Arguably 
though, Ranma should at least remember several other instances where 
Akane was sweet to him other than the aforementioned 'first time 
meeting.'

Generally speaking, Akane hasn't been quite the nicest to Ranma and 
their arguments seemingly outweigh most of the times that they're nice 
to each other.

That's pretty much correct. If Ranma was trying to be fair, he could 
easily remember a number of times when Akane was genuinely nice... or 
cute... or sincere... She's a complex girl, and there's a lot to support 
that. As for the "first meeting" it's a simple case of "first 
impression/strongest impression" a standard pattern of thought in 
nursing a bruised ego.

Even after Akane had accepted the curse, she had

still been quick to call Ranma a pervert or a freak.

Flawed as Akane is, many people in the Ranmavese suffer from this 
shortsightedness. Does it make Akane's shortcomings acceptable? No, 
but shortcomings are shortcomings.

It would be easy to give Ranma the kind of wisdom and insight to see 
this for himself, but... sadly, in this story he has to earn it. 
However, to understand someone else, it is first necessary to understand 
oneself.

Sometimes,

Ranma thought, It's like� I'm not enough of a girl for her.

Eyng? Is that the problem? O_o

Maybe, maybe not. On some levels, Akane would have preferred it if Ranma 
had really been the girl she first met. Again, first impressions. Akane 
adjusted to Ranma turning into a girl far more quickly than she did to 
Ranma remaining himself even in female form. She knows Ranma's not a 
real girl, but she expects Ranma to have a sense of femine modesty, she 
resents it when Ranma exploits his female form to manipulate guys... etc.

"Ha! We know all about that trap, Ranma!" Anko declared, jumping
to her feet with Anma. The clones took up guard positions
against Ranma, waiting for him to make the first move. "You'll
never trick us into it!"

"I've seen you use it, and Anko's told me all about it," Anma
informed Ranma with a smirk.

Well, that's a big boo-boo. Ranma almost never backs out of a 
challenge ever.

::nod::

Ranma bit his lip, cursing himself silently. It would have been
nice if they had just taken his threat as a warning. He was dead
serious, and prepared to carry out his threat. By opposing him,
they forced him to, and being trapped in a confined space with
the warped old master was not a pleasant fate. Clearly, they did
not think he was capable of beating them, looking eager and
ready to meet his challenge,

Chips off the ol' block, one might say.

::nod, nod::

Anma and Anko did not linger. They sprinted in toward Ranma
along the tiled crest, silently coordinating a high-low attack.
Ranma literally climbed out of the way, hopping onto Anko's
striking foot, then bouncing up to spring board off of Anma's
striking fist. He stayed in the air, riding the tide of blows
for a few moments as the two worked through a series of close in
strikes and grappling moves.

"Hold him, Anko!" Anma commanded.

"I'm trying, Anma!" she cried, trying to take advantage of her
superior speed.

Pink and Link: (both sighs in chorus) Amateurs.

Well, they are one week and one day old, respectively...

Anma and Anko redoubled their efforts. They struck quickly and
precisely, hoping to disrupt the rhythm of Ranma's evasions,
wearing grins of concentration and determination the equal of
Ranma's own.

If each precise punch gets precisely blocked, then shouldn't they 
consider making their strikes more random instead of precise? I mean, 
they're using precision where precision isn't needed. A good ol' 
mindless double Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken where you strike everywhere 
would be more effective at this point. But that's just me.

If they only wanted to beat Ranma up, they probably would have. If they 
were willing to destroy the mirror they were trying to snatch, also a 
likely tactic. But, since Ranma has the mirror, he can take them out of 
the fight in one simple move if they are careless. Precision implies 
control and restraint as well as accuracy...

Their close-in grappling disguised their attempts to pat him
down and locate the compact. He put up enough to a defense to

He put up enough of a defense to

Thanks! Amazing how entire words can slip through the cracks.

keep their hands from diving into the folds of his clothing, and
keep them focused on their efforts to snatch the compact he had
carefully palmed and shifted into ki-space.

So it's 'ki-space' now? :/

The fannon is "hammer space"... and it's not uncommon to come across 
"pocket space" but for Ranma, if he managed to pick up on a technique to 
fold space, it's most likey accomplished using his ki. It's what he 
knows. Having picked it up himself, there would be no one to pass on a 
name for it. Isn't it a lot simpler than "Hidden Weapons Technique 
Hiding and Storage Space"? Ranma certainly would not come up with a more 
scientific name... I orignally used the word shadow, but it confused 
first generation readers. ::shrugs::

It was the same

technique Mousse used, on a massive scale, for his hidden
weapons technique. Ranma was still trying to figure out the
version Akane used, which allowed her to occasionally summon an
familiar weapon to hand in moments of righteous anger--

In moments of righteous anger, Akane kicks Ranma to the stratosphere 
more than she mallets him. Also, she's been known to use shinai, 
tables, and other foreign objects. One might say that the mallet thing 
is merely fanfic convention, if not anime canon.

"a familiar weapon" sort of covers the gamut of foreign objects... If I 
meant Mallet-Sama, I would have just said Mallet-Sama. In the manga and 
anima, it is not uncommon for anyone to pick an object out of thin air, 
and it is generally used for comedic effect. In this instance, I'm 
giving a nod to Akane having some interesting hidden talents. I don't 
have any issues using any idea that has both comedic and practical 
value... I say, sure. Let's give Akane the fannon hammer... cuz it just 
might turn out to have an interesting use.

but since

she could not do it consciously at will, and she typically used
it when Ranma was distracted, he had not yet solved the mystery.

(snort) Yeah, sure. Right. Distracted. I guess that's the only logical 
explanation authors can come up with on the inconsistency of Ranma's 
prowess during actions scenes and during comedy scenes.

Not just an assumption. A lot of the hits Akane gets in come while Ranma 
IS distracted. Often he is gloating, has his back turned, is engaged 
with another character. Akane blindsides Ranma a lot. Ranma deliberately 
leaves himself open to this in a lot of cases. Ranma manages to avoid 
outright ambushes on a regular basis. So, one way or another, Ranma lets 
Akane through his guard. His guard is not perfect, however. There are 
others who managed to get through it, in and out of combat.

"I can't let you two�" Ranma could not complete the sentence. He
still could not really deal with their mutual affection. His
mind flashed back to the sight of them pawing at each other, and
he experienced a sudden queasiness as it crossed threads with
the feel of their hands darting all over his body, trying to
slip inside his shirt and pant's waist.

Ranma: I mean, yuck! I don't even touch myself, and them touching 
themselves is like me touching myself, and... and... it's just soooo 
wrong in so many levels, dammit!

This actually gets dealt with in greater detail later.

"If you'd just keep your hands to yourselves," Ranma pled
angrily, blocking and deflecting their probes more forcefully,

Anko and Anma: THAT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO!

roflol...

"It's much more fun putting my hands all over you!" Anko
taunted, allowing one of her probes to turn into a caress.

Ranma: I don't want ANY caressing 'probes' near me!

Is 'probes' really the right word here, fic?

It is a legitimate tactical maneuver. The word has a long history as a 
verb.

Ranma stared at her in wide-eyed alarm, grabbing Anma and
thrusting him forward as Anko lunged forward in a patented glomp
attack.

Ah, the infamous 'glomp'... Catering to the fandom, I see.

It is an Amazon trademark. ::shrugs:: Also, I did know before hand that 
this story was probably going to be enjoyed by a certain, specific, 
online community. Most of them starving authors and artists. Why not 
throw them a bone. Er. Wait... That might not have come out right.

"What are they fighting about now?" Nabiki inquired laconically.

"See, Tendo? I told you my son would deal with those two," Genma
announced proudly, towling

toweling

Donkey shins. I mean, Thanks.

As everyone commented or complained, their heads bobbed and
turned following the action. Nabiki, in particular, focused in

You don't need the "in" word.

The first "in" or the second "in"? I'll take a look at it tho'...

"That must be where he's hiding it!" Anko cried
enthusiastically, making a move to dive right at Ranma's crotch.
"He sure has something there worth hiding!"

"Well, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!" Anma declared,
grabbing Ranma by the belt and preparing to thrust a hand in.

^^;

Anma's just following Anko's lead. It is Anything Goes, right? Hehehe.

Ranma twisted free and jumped across the yard to escape,
clutching one hand over his heart while the other was clamped
securely over the cloth belt holding his pants up. "Whatta ya
think you're doin'? You're a guy, damn it!" he cried out in
disbelief.

Heh.

::smug grin::

He had thrown away a chance to catch one of them in

the mirror, but he had not been willing to risk being dragged in
along with them. The new tactics Anko was employing were making
Ranma more desperate to end this fight than any other in his
life.

Yeah, since those are Shampoo's tactics she's employing.

::nod, nod::

"Give it up. You're nothing next to Happosai," Ranma snorted,
conjuring up the mental and emotional defenses that allowed him
to prevail in combat against the master molestor himself. Taking
a stance, he urged them to come at him.

His Heart of Ice training is kicking in, I suppose? 

I think it's Soul of Ice, and that's more or less where it started. 
Ranma's first true lingerie photo shoot. Ah. It brings tears to my eyes...

Unfortunately, Akane had been stuck on the sidelines for too
long. Having watched Ranma strugging against two to one odds,

struggling

Thank you.

"Akane! This is my fight! Get out of the way or you'll get
hurt!" Ranma warned at once.

"Don't be an idiot, Ranma! It's two against one!" Akane retorted
angrily.

-_-

Still on target.

Akane dodged frantically, straining to evade the lightning kicks
and punches Anko was delivering. The diminutive redhead pressed
on, deliberately pushing Akane to her very limits, but carefully
not exceeding them.

(sighs) Akane's entrance had me frustrated. Good work, fic. You got 
reader reaction so early on in the fic, which I believe is a sign of 
good writing. That, or my biased frustration over Akane's so-called 
shortcomings.

Domo arigato.

"Akane! Get outta there before you get hurt!" Anma paused to
shout.

"I can handle myself! Just hurry up and use the compact!" Akane
returned between wild punches. She could not understand her
failure to connect with Anko, but her temper was rising, and the
mallet that never let her down was itching to come into play.

Funny thing I should note is that, other than in fanfics, Akane never 
really uses that mallet in 'real' fights, really. Obviously, it could 
only mean that the mallet 'convention' was only meant for comedic 
scenes and some such.

And I am more than happy to exploit that assumption.

Anko was hefting the mallet, in position for a devastating down
swing when Ranma was forced to return his attention to Anma's
next offensive. The two exchanged a violent series of blows, one
of them desperate to end things quickly, the other determined to
stretch the fight out. While there was one rebellious thought in
Ranma's head about Akane finally learning what it was like to be
on the receiving end of that infameous hammer, genuine fear for

infamous

That got past the spell checker? Unglaublich! Unauspreklichen Kulten! 
Indecipheraberlin mumbleravingin kindergarten garbleblathering!

Ranma could not take the suspense anymore. Trying to end the
fight before Akane got seriously hurt, or distracted him enough
for Anma to get the upper hand, Ranma took the first opening his
clone offered and tried to end it. Producing the mirror and
flipping it open lightening fast to catch the wide-eyed gaze of
his opponant, Ranma thought his victory was assured. Anma,

opponent

Tank ewe.

prepared for this maneuver since the start of the fight, moved
his hand just an instant before Ranma brought the compact in
line, and caught him by the wrist. In a deft motion, he twisted
Ranma's wrist and broke his hold on the mirror. Catching the
mirror in the same movement, he flipped it around in Ranma's
face.

"Oh, man!" Ranma barely got out, before being sucked into the
mirror.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Damn, that was a good ending of the fight. Seems that 
the Delilah factor was ultimately Anma's advantage against Ranma.

I'm glad you liked it.

-----

It was not uncommon for Ranma's mind to rapidly rehash events,
whenever an opponent managed to out maneuver him. It pulled up

outmaneuver 

kk...

The next blink of thought was devoted to the situation his
current set back was thrusting him into. Being captured in the

setback

kk...

The sudden spash of water as a cold waterballoon burst on the

splash... water balloon

kk... these are mostly typing glitches, breaking up (or not breaking up) 
words by habit. Although, if I have a break in water balloon, then I 
have to do: cold, water balloon

It's two adjectives...

The battle between Akane and Anko had stopped abruptly when
Ranma was suddenly whisked into the mirror. The exchanged
glances and then focused on the Ranma that had emerged
victorious. The same question was on eveyone's mind, but rather

everyone's

kk...

"Besides," Nabiki put in thoughtfully, "if he IS the wrong
Ranma, we'd have to let Happosai out to get the real one back."

Tsk, tsk. (smirks) Iiiinteresting.

::grin::

"I dunno," Anma debated, carefully shying away from the fountain
of tears. "Can't let them starve in there. Guess I haveta let

"have ta" or "have to"

Wait... there are actual rules for how to write BAD grammar? ::shudders::

"If there was room to run in there, I might not be worried�"
Akane commented uneasily.

"He was a boy when he went in," Nabiki assured her sister.
"Happosai might drive poor Ranma crazy, but he certainly can't
molest him. He will be huddled up in his collection, staying as
far away from the boy as possible. Probably."

So where'd the water balloon come from anyway?

Happosai's arsenel... previously used in Part One. You did read that, 
right? They were posted at the same time...

Jumpstarted into consciousness, the girl sat up like a bolt and
stared out the window. A second ball of light shot at her from
the window, and her hand rose unconsciously to catch it. It
dissipated on contact as if were a ball she had summoned and

"as if were a ball" sounds weird. Please revise.

...as if it was formed from her own chi and...

Oddly, phrasing it that way it seems to lose something...

...as if she had conjured it from her own chi and...

"Ano! That was Ranma! I am sure of it!" he screeched to a halt.

Nitpick... 'Ano' can be roughly translated as, 'Uuummm...' or 
'Errr...' So ending 'Ano' with an exclamation mark would give us the 
rough equivalent of 'Um!' or 'Er!' which just sounds stupid, IMO.

That's just acquired usage. I've heard it used in an exclamitory way in 
anime... I suppose I could use "Oro!" but I have no problem replacing it 
with "Ano..." since that has a nice feel to it too. It's only in there 
because I could hear it as I was writing... ::shrugs::

"I wonder what he's doing in Kyoto?" He puzzled that
imponderable for a moment before grinning, "This is my chance to

I think you're using 'imponderable' wrong, AFAIK. It's not suppose to 
be used as a noun.

I have a philosopy background. Transpositions of abstracts and objects, 
actions and manifests simply reflects my own unique way of thinking. 
Most people would consider "imponderable" to be an adjective, but it is 
not uncommon for adjectives to be used as nouns... call it creative 
license.

pay him back without anyone around to interfere!" Thinking back
to the horrifying and humiliating scene he had endured a few
days earlier, a sickly green and purple aura pulsed around him.
There he had been, sitting on a bench awaiting his date with
Akari, when that perverted transsexual had jumped on him and

Transsexual? I guess that's technically correct, though fandom has 
come up with an even more apt term for Ranma... aquatranssexual.

As long as it's technically correct... Ranma does trans the sex and all. 
I am familiar with the fannon term. There are also various translations 
of the manga in which the term is used to insult Ranma... I believe it 
was Taro... I do not consider it beyond Ryouga to pick up such an insult 
and add it to his internal dialogue. As a cuse victim, "aquatransexual" 
touches too closely on something they have in common. It also invites 
retorts of "aquatransporker" or the like...

Unfortunately, his quarry was not exactly in sight. Ryouga tried
to compose himself as he slipped carefully up the wall. He did
not dare attack until he had Ranma in his sights. As he cleared
the top of the wall, he remembered the lame excuse Ranma had
come up with to explain his actions. The very notion of a cursed
mirror that spat out perverted copies of who ever looked into it

The word 'whoever' doesn't need to be separated into its component 
words, since it's (whoever) a word.

kk...
"Bad fingers! You stop spacing out or so help me...!"

was ludicrous. If that was true, he criticized, peering down from the 
top of the wall, why had Ryouga not seen Ranma and this

alleged duplicate together, like he was seeing now? Even if such
nonsense were true, knowing Ranma, he would have been hiding
behind the bushes molesting his female half like the two Ranma's
before him. No chance that pervert would let such a cute girl
have a chance at Ryouga!

Heh. Yep, that sounds about right. Ryoga-logic at its worst.

::nod, nod::

This actually stopped Ryouga for a second. Gaping in sheer
disbelief he roared, "What is this!? Have you been playing with

disbelief, he roared,

kk...

"I was talkin' to him!" Ryouga roared.

"Who are you calling a girl!" Anma lashed out with a series of
lightening kicks and punches. The first barrage slipped through
the lost boy's guard, forcing him back a step. "Man, you're
tough!" Anma noted in surprise. Even Ranma would have tried to
evade those blows, but the stranger just blocked them cold.

I was kind of wary of these twins being annoying. I mean, they are 
annoying, but in a good way. The complications that arise from them 
being themselves are great and fun to read. ^-^

Thanks!

"RAAANMAAAAA! I can't BELIEVE you!" Akane was pissed. At last,
Ranma had shown his true stripes, getting rid of the male copy
and molesting the female copy himself!

-_-

Akane is really frustrating me here, but it's not as if it's out of 
character for her to think this way. Gah. The upside to this is the 
fact that Anma's getting the brunt of Akane's obvious misunderstanding 
instead of Ranma. You have some great writing here, fic.

::bows::

"You can't run away, Ranma!" she raced after the couple,
determined to help Ryouga fulfill his oft-repeated pledge.
Ryouga, peeling himself out of the wall, took one look at the
oncoming traffic and bolted down the side yard. As he barreled
forward, he spotted the moon reflected in the koi-pond and
skidded to a halt. Akane was right behind him. There was no way
he could safely pass that water in a combat situation. Turning
around, he raced into the teeth of the clones' combined attacks.
The couple was so surprised at his sudden charge that they
barely managed to dodge his lunging thrust.

Ryoga: (blinks) Well, I'm glad that worked.

Heh.

Akane stood there in horror, helpless as she envisioned the last
few hours of Ranma trapped alone with Happosai. "Wh� where did
he get cold water in there?" she asked in shocked disbelief.

Yes, Akane. At least for this one time, feel the guilt.

Wow. Are you okay? Would you like to sit down? ::giggle::

Ranma-chan, rising up from where she had cowered behind him,

Suggest: Replacing 'him' with 'Anma', just to be clear.

kk... good idea.

thumped him on the head. "I have seen hell because of you!"

"Oh please! Don't start. I've already heard it!" Anma rolled his
eyes.

"But you haven't heard the end of it!" Ranma promised darkly.

"You will hear me whine till the end of time!" Ranma threatened.

"Oooh. Scary. Whatever," Anma and the reader chorused.

Interesting reaction.

In a sense, it was an apology, and remained unexpected. Akane
gave them all a funny look, shook her head, and went back into
the house. The trio stood baffled, wondering what she had been
about to say. Shrugging, the couple turned to Ranma- chan as

Ranma-chan

Grrr.... Bloody fingers! ::hands start trembling in fear::

"I can't let you two cause any more problems for me," Ranma
insisted half apologetically.

Since I C&Ced this fic in the middle of things, I'm as confused as 
Anma and Anko on why Ranma thinks of them being together as a problem. 
What's the big deal with them getting nookie anyways?

Wait until you find out! Okay, you can't have read the original version 
of Reflections. Don't worry, this question will be addressed later. Or 
sooner, if you cheat and read the original...

If you

ask me, it don't seem like you've really found someone ELSE to
love. It's just� wrong." With that, she slipped inside in a
cloud of dejection.

The couple stared after her, disturbed by her parting comments.

Ranma has something against narcissism.

Ranma: Like I said, wrong in many levels. 

Maybe. Maybe not. He certainly has a problem with people holding 
whatever the copies do against him.

So, in each chapter there will be a degree of

expansion, new content filling in details that were previously
only hinted at in a paragraph or two or merging of smaller
chapters with new chapters to fill in the space.

(shrugs) Whatever works, author-san.

I wrote the story in someting of a rush two years ago. In a way, it 
wrote itself, and ideas came out too fast and too confusing for many 
readers. I've been wanting to fix a lot of things I messed up by giving 
in to the impulses that hit me. The note is mostly for readers familiar 
with the original version.

That should

hopefully allow the faster, clustered events of the later
chapters to be spread out a little bit as well. Also, the
original title of the second chapter was transferred to serve as
the title of this first volume. I have experimented with a way
to provide a degree of formatting for posting at Fanfiction Net,

My suggestion is go full-tilt and format it html, complete with 
bold/italic characters and html line breaks. In other words, have a 
text copy for FFML, and an HTML copy for Fanfiction.net. Worked for me.

I've been thinking of that. I don't particularly care for the formatting 
limits in HTML, and I don't like the code Word generates if you save a 
.doc as .htm. I don't really know .css so that's not an option either. 
Still working on a solution that does not complicate other areas of 
writing.

and if it helps make this chapter more readable I will reformat
the first chapter and use it throughout. If you don't see a
difference, then that means all of it was picked out by the
weird system they've instituted. You would think that a story
archive site would allow for simple things like tabs and section
breaks�

Not to mention ellipses formatted by MS Word, which do not translate 
well in ASCII and should instead be replaced by three periods. :P

In terms of plot, I'm a bit divided. On one hand, this fic had its 
moments, especially with the special breed of chaos Anma and Anko 
brings into Ranma's world. Akane's shortcomings were highlighted here, 
but not in an Akane-basher kind of way. Akane was presented that way 
because that's Akane's tendency, and I'm cool with that. That kind of 
writing style, IMO, is indicative of good, un-biased writing. The plot 
is superb, solid and believable as an episode of Ranma had it been 
more slapstick and comedic. As a fanfic drama piece, it succeeds. It's 
really good plot that supports the average way it was presented. On 
the other hand... the writing leaves much to be desired. In terms of 
grammar quality, the writing was inconsistent with the IMO superb plot.
There were parts of the story where the narrative was trying too hard 
to sound important, when it doesn't have to. All it has to do is 
present the plot. No need to 'flower' up the language to show off how 
one should construct compound and complex sentences. You're telling an 
already great and well-plotted story, so no need to make car-wreck 
narratives, ambitious run-on and multiple-thought sentences. No need 
for fanfic cliches, especially. Simplify it so your great story shines 
through.

Still, it's not the worst fic that I've read in terms of spelling and 
sentence construction. That's my two cents. Keep on writing. Abdiel out.

Thanks for the feedback. I've taken note of the structural comments 
you've made. I really appreciate you taking the time.

A.V. Morgan ffml



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